DH problems

[Mama678]

been together a long time. I’ve expressed to him that I'm just not happy anymore and want to split up.

another weekend spent watching him drink. Yesterday he had a few drinks and burnt dinner. He was in a bad mood. Burnt dinner no doubt as he was too preoccupied with drinking. His mate popped round so they were sat outside for a bit. Anyway, theres a constant elephant in the room situation which is splitting up. He doesnt want to and cant get his head around that i do. Why dont i want to continue to watch him drink near enough daily, do all the parenting because he cba, pay for more stuff because hes skint apparently?! Anyway, ive said about splitting up. This is not a rash decision on my side as ive been considering this around 2 years. Hes been aware for 2 years. Mainly around his drinking, if anything i think he drinks more now but im wondering if that’s because he’s depressed/wont face the issue. He seems in complete denial about the amount hes drinking and its not good for the kids to see. He’s arguing he wont stop drinking and basically its his right to do what he wants as he works all week and he loves a drink on a weekend. I get that absolutely. Ive stopped drinking because someone needs to be in control and up early on weekends for driving to clubs. He holds my non drinking against me saying because i dont drink i think everyone is an alcoholic who drinks. Not true.

yesterday we were already discussing the alcohol issues, he then pulled a black dinner out the oven and then proceeded to tell me to fuck off, fuck this, fuck that etc etc. our youngest came down the stairs. I asked him to stop but he carried on talking to me in that way. He was on his 7th can by this point. He says he drinks no more than anyone else. Hes not going to give up drinking etc. im wrong for calling out his drinking and he doesnt agree to splitting up and wont move on

i cant go on like this

He’s an alcoholic OP.
if he wasn’t he wouldn’t feel the need to hide his drinking.
Hell only get worse and it will affect not just your dc if you stay but your dgc too.
My dgf died when I was 2, he was an alcoholic and my dm’s parenting was definitely affected by her childhood which affected me and my siblings too.

Exactly this

@Mama678 check out Al Anon for families and loved ones of alcoholic. They have advice that covers the signs.

He’s hiding it from you. If it isn’t a problem why hide it?

Does he drive first thing Monday morning op? A call to the police with concerns? I reported my dh to the police for drink driving.. He lost his licence and I filed for divorce.. A week end of binge drinking would imo see him still over the legal limit early Monday...

yeah he does drive early morning. I never thought of that

Stop arguing with him. Just stop. Trying to get an alcoholic in active addiction to admit they have a problem is like trying to persuade water to flow uphill. It's not going to happen.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. Your husband's behaviours around drinking are those of an alcoholic. Hiding, denying, minimising, gaslighting. He may well be drinking far more than you know about - he may be "topping up" throughout the day at work or in the morning.

There is no human power that can stop him drinking. He has to be miserable enough to seek help of his own accord. He has to reach his personal rock bottom - and that may be a lot lower than you imagine.

I know many men and women who "should" have had a light bulb moment way in advance of when it actually happened. Waking up in hospital, losing their licenses, losing jobs, losing their home, losing their marriages, their children being removed from their care - they still continued drinking until they were finally in enough pain to reach out for help.

Instead of making the conversations about his drinking, stick to personal statements that he cannot refute. Just repeat "I'm not happy and we're going to split up." He cannot stop you from leaving. You've wasted enough of your energy on him. Your children will thank you for removing them from this sick situation.

Please do as Atilla suggested and check out Al-Anon, for families of alcoholics. There are lots of online meetings available if you cannot get to a face to face meeting. Just being with other people who have experienced the same things will strengthen you.

He is an addict or an alcoholic. That’s the same thing.

You’re renting. So just move out. Find something else, let him know and take yourself out of the rental agreement. Then up to him to decide if he wants to stay there or not.

Youre not going to make him understand. He doesn’t acknowledge he us an alcoholic. He refuses to see the issue and accepting to get divorced is accepting he is drinking too much. He won’t. He can’t - his whole world and narrative he built to convince himself it’s ok won’t cope with that.

Yes it would be easier for him to move out. But I think you’ll have to accept it’s not going to happen. Don’t let that stop you from moving on and protecting yourself and your dcs.

If it’s rolling monthly rental now look
to find somewhere else just you and the kids.

then he either stays there himself or
leaves And goes to family

Write an honest list of his behaviour when drunk op. My ex worked in a bar (second job so had access to drink)
Most Sunday nights he woke up and pissed in my wardrobe.. Then had no memory of doing it. Breaking stuff in a drunken rage was normal. Never engaged with the dc... Too skint and scared to leave. Nightly rape was also normal. Again no recollection..

He is an addict, and he is in deep - secret drinking is a bad, bad sign. It's time for you to let him go now and put yourself and your DC first. He isn't in a relationship with any of you, his first love is alcohol.

Please seek help for yourself from Al-Anon or a similar organisation - the AdFam website has good links to organisations that can help you. Life with an addict is hard, you need and deserve support.

You can't help him. You can help yourself.

Hey, thanks all for your advice. This is so lonely being in this situation at times but youre all really supportive!

ive been in contact with a solicitors for an initial free chat. We’re fairly straightforward so we need to apply and only really need a solicitor for the financial agreement (hopefully we can sort this ourselves so it can be done painlessly!) and childcare agreement (again as above)! I feel happy about this and ready to make a start on that.

i joined an online Al Anon call but, its a bit odd. I imagine it was like an AA meeting where everyone gets to talk about their issues but they seemed to have a topic? I dont know. I just didn’t get it and im not sure its for me. It almost learning to live alongside the alcoholic vs get out out/make changes?? I might have got it wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

renting, my goodness how much rentals are at the moment! Thats more than half of my monthly wage!!! Id definitely prefer to stay in the house im in for the time being. Our rent is still high but i could afford it. No wonder people dont leave when theyre faced with paying extortionate rent! Its just not possible on one wage!

i bumped into DH family member who he sees but ive not for a while. Nice chat but i just blurted out that we’re splitting up. Well i thought hes not going to so why should i keep up the pretence. They were shocked but i just felt that it needed to be out there as DH is hiding his head in the sand at the moment. Whilst i was on a roll, i went to see parents too and told them (equally i didnt want them to find out second hand). Obviously they were upset. But i feel better now thats done. Also asked if he can stay there and they said yes.

i just need to tell DH that they know and persuade him to move out

Not all support groups are the same. The one I run isn't Al-Anon affiliated and we flex to people's needs. Sometimes we have topics, but if someone signals they are in crisis, we focus the session on what they need in the moment. We don't encourage people to leave, but we support their decision to do so once they have taken it.

Well done telling people. Your husband will hate it, but it needs to be done.

You are doing the right thing. He doesn't have to agree in order to split. You can decide you've had enough and file for divorce. His opinion is irrelevant, especially as it's his vile behaviour that has led to this.

Of course he wants to stay together - he gets your income, your houseworking and parenting, the comfort of being in a relationship. But he doesn't want to have to make any effort to keep his family together. The drink is much more important. He's either an addict or - possibly worse! - he doesn't have an addiction but CBA to stop drinking. I expect it's the former. Either way you need out, for your sake and especially your DC's.

Telling his parents and relatives is a strong move op, well done. He has to admit it, and you are separated now. If he won’t leave you can apply to have him removed. (Is his name on the house- you’d have to take it off first)
take some photos daily of the alcohol, the empty cans in the bin.

Keeping in touch with how its going…

told dh that id told people we were splitting. He was angry and upset but ive kept to the same narrative and said we are splitting. He still doesnt agree/doesnt want to.

i saw the family members i told, they tried to deflect his drinking by saying well i know of lots of people who drink daily, 1-8 drinks. It’s fairly normal everyone does it. they also asked what if dh stopped drinking/cut down. They just dont get it. They dont realise ive been in this circle of events for years. Been there got the tshirt. No more.

im planning to go away with the kids next week. Dh is asking if he can come and im torn whether to say - “no you can pack your stuff whilst were away” or say “ok but no drinking all week but things between us remain as they are and were still splitting up”

Go without him. Take a taste of life without him. It will strengthen your resolve.

Ignore the people defending him, they're speaking from a shared point of alcohol dependency.

So, if it's a joint tenancy, and as now a rolling contract, if you give notice yourself it will bring the tenancy to an end - it doesn't also need his permission. You could then apply for sole tenancy for your home. A bit risky in case they say no, but if he won't go, it's probably worth it, as your only other option is to move out yourself anyway. Once he is no longer a legal tenant he can be removed if need be.

Did this myself last year, slightly different as he'd already left, but landlord was ok with it as long as I could pass the income requirement alone.

OP how old are your children? Please don't think for one moment that your husband's behaviour and attitude towards alcohol isn't having an impact on them. Do you want them to grow up thinking that having several drinks every day is normal? If your husband is low-level intoxicated all the time (and he will be, if he's just topping up the alcohol each day) then he's incapacitated in many ways and this WILL be impacting on your children. I say this as someone who grew up with a father who's drinking habits sound like your DH's. It never went unnoticed and my childhood was stressful and unhappy. Get out as soon as you can. You will all feel the better for it.

I'd go for no its a good chance for you to pack in peace

Definitely don't go on holiday with him! You're separating, you need space. If he's already not on board with the idea then him holidaying with you is going to add further confusion.

I am leaning more towards No he cant come. Otherwise i think its giving him mixed messages.

hes making jt hard as hes putting on the sad face and putting ideas into my childs head about - well if i come we can do this, that and the other. Mum doesn’t do those things with you usually eg rock pools. I said i don’t usually but im going to this time. Push myself out of my comfort zone. So hes now made the child his ally and both of them as asking if he can come. Dh is also playing on my fears of car breaking down etc. im going to get breakdown cover. Its not nice what hes doing. Is that manipulation?

sometimes im doubting myself, am i putting myself through all this when others we know drink considerably more than dh and their relationship seems to be ok etc. i keep re reading this thread for strength.

He's started the parental alienation already - prepare gor more of this. Focus on giving yourself and the kids the best time possible and yes, that will mean stepping out of your comfort zone. This is a good thing because you will learn how capable you really are. Breezing tell your kids that yes, you're looking forward to rock pooling with them and learning about all the sea creatures from them. Tell them things will be fine with the car because you're arranging breakdown insurance. Whatever he throws at you about things you can't do without him, cheerfully counter them with a positive attitude about how you're going to get good at them because they're not that hard and you will enjoy learning them.

I think you need to be a bit more assertive in your language. Don’t tell him that you want to split up and tell people that you are in the process of splitting up. Make it happen and put it in the past tense. “Husband I am splitting up with you, we are no longer a couple” “PIL I have split up with your son, our relationship has ended”. It makes it very clear to him that this is happening. Do not go on holiday with him, it will give him false sense of hope.
I would speak to your Landlord ASAP. Let them know that you have split up and that you Ex has a problem with alcohol. Let them know that you can afford the rent on your own and would really like to continue the tenancy on your own. I would get in there first before ExH tries to do the same. I am a Landlord and I would rather keep a tenant in place if they can afford it, than have the expense of relisting and possibly decorating costs etc. If you were my tenant and I had been considering putting the rent up in the near future……. I wouldn’t if I knew your circumstances.

He only cares about himself.

He doesn't care what danage he does to your children.

He is a disgusting selfish loser.

Tell him no to the holiday and to get packing to move to his parents home.

Only alcoholics would think 8 cans a night is normal.

Stay strong.

Since ive said no he cant come on holiday, hes been stomping around the house in a grump, kicking off at the smallest of things. Last night, he drank. Although i didnt see a drink i heard him opening a bottle of beer. Hes saying “good luck with the holiday on your own” “im not allowed to come” “ your splitting up the family and pushing me out”.😩 I think hes hoping ill just say, yeah sure come with us. He needs to pack up and move out now 😤