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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH problems

75 replies

Mama678 · 03/07/2023 07:25

been together a long time. I’ve expressed to him that I'm just not happy anymore and want to split up.

another weekend spent watching him drink. Yesterday he had a few drinks and burnt dinner. He was in a bad mood. Burnt dinner no doubt as he was too preoccupied with drinking. His mate popped round so they were sat outside for a bit. Anyway, theres a constant elephant in the room situation which is splitting up. He doesnt want to and cant get his head around that i do. Why dont i want to continue to watch him drink near enough daily, do all the parenting because he cba, pay for more stuff because hes skint apparently?! Anyway, ive said about splitting up. This is not a rash decision on my side as ive been considering this around 2 years. Hes been aware for 2 years. Mainly around his drinking, if anything i think he drinks more now but im wondering if that’s because he’s depressed/wont face the issue. He seems in complete denial about the amount hes drinking and its not good for the kids to see. He’s arguing he wont stop drinking and basically its his right to do what he wants as he works all week and he loves a drink on a weekend. I get that absolutely. Ive stopped drinking because someone needs to be in control and up early on weekends for driving to clubs. He holds my non drinking against me saying because i dont drink i think everyone is an alcoholic who drinks. Not true.

yesterday we were already discussing the alcohol issues, he then pulled a black dinner out the oven and then proceeded to tell me to fuck off, fuck this, fuck that etc etc. our youngest came down the stairs. I asked him to stop but he carried on talking to me in that way. He was on his 7th can by this point. He says he drinks no more than anyone else. Hes not going to give up drinking etc. im wrong for calling out his drinking and he doesnt agree to splitting up and wont move on

i cant go on like this

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 03/07/2023 07:33

Just end it.

It sounds miserable and I wouldn't want him around my children either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2023 07:34

Indeed you cannot go on like this. I would seek legal advice asap and start divorce proceedings. Show him that you are serious.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not even begun yet and will not until you're out of this dysfunctional marriage entirely. Talking to an alcoholic about his drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. You've also played out the usual roles such spouses play when it comes to alcoholism too; those of codependent partner, enabler and provoker. Its also doing your DC no favours whatsoever to keep on seeing this dysfunction in their lives; this does affect them too and markedly so.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism; he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.
He is an alcoholic in denial and is showing you clearly by both word and deed that his primary relationship is with drink, not you. You cannot save him but you can and should save your own self along with your children from further misery and pain. You have a choice when it comes to him, they do not.

Seek legal advice asap and get support for your own self too from Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another person's drinking.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2023 07:40

Alcohol acts as a depressant and he is likely to be self medicating with alcohol. What is the longest period of time, to your direct knowledge, he has gone without alcohol?. He's likely to be always on a comedown from it rather than stone cold sober. Over the years also he has developed a greater tolerance to alcohol. I would also think his employers will notice at some point, even if they have not already done so.

The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Original poster
Mama678 · 03/07/2023 07:57

In all fairness i am trying to end it! He wont get the message. He turns it all back on me saying, im a psycho watching how much hes drinking etc. yesterday he said hes cut right back and not drank in the week. The mid week beers he brings in that he hides under the table say otherwise! Whose are they and who is drinking them 🤔 i cannot leave. I have no where to go. Literally no one has space for me and kids plus i cannot save any money for a new rental as all my money goes on the house/kids. He cry’s poverty but walks in with a box of beer constantly

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama678 · 03/07/2023 07:57

He could move in with his family. They have space

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 03/07/2023 08:10

Do you currently rent? Or mortgage.

speak to womens advice charities, GPs.. anywhere that can help and refer you.

him not accepting the split doesn’t stop it from happening or you from getting all your ducks in a row.

good luck.

Original poster
Mama678 · 03/07/2023 08:32

Were rented

@AttilaTheMeerkat i do think he is self medicating. I do think hes making it worse for himself by not accepting it. Hes prolonging the misery instead of moving out and starting to grieve the end of the relationship and moving on

OP posts:
Iamblossom · 03/07/2023 08:36

He will not accept it, or be able to discuss it, because he is drinking.

You need to decide what is to happen for you and your kids and remove him from the equation.

If he then decides to address his own issues you can then restart discussions but until then, make your own plans. Do not consult or ask permission.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2023 08:44

He indeed won’t accept this or move out readily if at all . You’re also playing a part in his alcoholism by being there to prop him up.

You’re going to have to remove him from the equation as Iamblossom writes. You only need to give your own self permission to leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2023 08:46

Seek legal advice too before further thinking to yourself that you can’t leave because you have nowhere to go.

Is the property jointly rented?. Can you remove his name from the tenancy agreement?

Gettingbysomehow · 03/07/2023 08:50

You need to get going with the divorce. Get the ball rolling. You don't need his permission.

Original poster
Mama678 · 03/07/2023 09:32

Yes it is jointly rented. We have rented for a long time so its just a rolling monthly agreement vs being locked in. It could end anytime in theory. I could afford it and all bills myself (just). His parents have a spare room and i imagine would take him in

OP posts:
Iamblossom · 03/07/2023 10:43

it sounds like he won't take you seriously or believe you until you take action - that will be harsh and hard but do you have any choice?

Original poster
Mama678 · 03/07/2023 13:54

All i want is initally for him to move out and give us some space to see if it’s salvageable. I dont think it is because of his attitude to drinking but some space will give us both time to see the wood for the trees. Ive suggested this and he said no way!

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 03/07/2023 13:57

If he won't leave you're going to have to. Speak to women's aid, housing charities, put your name on the social housing register.
Can anyone lend you the deposit for a separate flat for you and the kids? (Doesn't have to be big, just somewhere you're free)

YukoandHiro · 03/07/2023 13:58

Also find out what benefits you'd be entitled to as a single mum

LifeExperience · 03/07/2023 14:08

You've made it so easy for him--a free roof over his head, free food, etc. so he has plenty of money to drink. He's got the perfect setup. He's not going to move out on his own and all the pleading, arguments, and discussions in the world aren't going to make him move out, so you will have to force the issue. Find a new rental for yourself and the children and move out. Don't listen to his whinging, complaining and self-pity. Just locate a new place you can afford, tell the landlord you're moving and then inform him of the date you're leaving. He will be forced to make his own plans.

pikkumyy77 · 03/07/2023 14:14

Go to Al Anon (for relatives of drinkers.) this guy is avoidant! That is his main characteristic so he will avoid understanding, accepting, or acting as you wish. He simply WONT no matter how you beg and plead.

Go to a divorce lawyer, figure out next steps, and just move apartments yourself. Just move yourself and the kids out.

pikkumyy77 · 03/07/2023 14:15

Also: its not salvageable.

Jennalong · 03/07/2023 14:32

If you don't own the house and on a rolling month rental then tell him you are looking for a place for you and the kids and when you find one leave.
I realise you might have struggles re deposit , but could you borrow from a Family member of even squirrel a little away from food bills / living expenses .
Yes it could take months but at least you will be doing something pro active to achieve your goal.
Even sell jewellery , save the money you used to spend on alcohol etc.

Original poster
Mama678 · 04/07/2023 23:12

He swore blind he doesn’t drink mid week when we talked about his drinking at the weekend. Went on and on like i was completely in the wrong and insane! I did start to question myself.

Earlier, i pulled something out of the pantry. There behind the item was a half drunk bottle of wine! Thats now been drank tonight and hes on the beers. I can hear him downstairs whilst im in bed. He opens a can very quietly, then quietly opens the back door and puts the can straight into the bin, so i wont know (so he thinks). If i went downstairs, he would hide his glass behind a cushion 😂 odd behaviour isnt it

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 04/07/2023 23:32

It’s the behaviour of an addict.

Original poster
Mama678 · 05/07/2023 07:29

this whole situation is so frustrating! Im using up so much headspace fretting about him and drinking. Things have to change. Its not normal

im going to look into what i need for a divorce today/solicitor. I cant see him fighting it as hes a cba kind of person. Ill be left to sort it all out 🤨

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama678 · 05/07/2023 12:55

TheCatterall · 04/07/2023 23:32

It’s the behaviour of an addict.

Serious question, do you think hes an addict. I might sound stupid asking this but i think because hes been doing this for so long its just normal. He drinks mostly wine/beers. Never spirits?

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 05/07/2023 13:18

He doesn't have to agree - you want to separate so you separate. Initially you can look for somewhere to rent solo and then give notice on your current house and move without him. You probably also want to divorce so that you legally separate finances. He doesn't have to agree to any of this, he doesn't have to like it. You just move forward.

If you have made your choice that you want to be single you need to sit him down and tell him it is over. You tell him that you are going to start looking for somewhere for you and the kids to move to and you suggest he makes arrangements for himself. You let him know that once you have found a new rental you will be removing yourself from the lease on this place and he'll either need to pay the rent solo or give notice and move elsewhere.

Then make a solicitor appointment and get the divorce ball moving. It will take 6 - 12 months to get your Decree Absolute depending on how quickly you and he complete paperwork.