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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Smug affair

59 replies

Theonlywayisupagain · 02/07/2023 22:52

name Change for this.
partner of 20 years left to be with another woman, though at the time was adamant there was no-one else. Few months after split it became apparent to he was seeing someone, has been on numerous holidays with her and is now living with her. We have been split 4 months and have 2 children under 10. Over the past week all arrows point to this having started before we split although they are both adamant there was no crossover. I believe neither of them. The thing I am struggling with is how smug they have both become. They are so blatant and obvious with each other and the kids, acting as though they are a happy family, going on days out and asking for sleepovers. I am not at all comfortable with any of this as the kids only found out we were split up 4 weeks ago. I can not see how it can be good for the kids to have him and her acting like this when they’re and my life has been turned upside down. Me and the kids are the ones having to move out of the family home and she is moving in. How do I emotionally cope with her literally stepping into my life in every aspect but mainly with the kids. What if they would rather live with them as a “family” than with me on my own? I am very worried and upset about it all and every time I think I’ve got a handle on it something new comes up.

OP posts:
EatsYummySprouts · 02/07/2023 22:56

Really sorry that this has happened to you. Don’t forget that YOU are their mum, and they love x

EatsYummySprouts · 02/07/2023 22:58

Someone will come along to give you good advice soon I am sure. Sending you strength x

Hawkins0001 · 02/07/2023 23:00

Not sure what to say, other than all the best and positivity op

Gowlett · 02/07/2023 23:04

This happened to my cousin. It was all matching Christmas onesies etc, with her two kids & the new woman. Until they had a baby together. Not so rosy in the garden now. Once the shine wears off, things will change. It’s hard, but by just being there fur your kids, they will rely on you to cope with the split: No matter the “happy family” schtick.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2023 23:05

What utter cunts. Your head must be spinning.

Why do you have to move out? Do you know where you’re going? Have you got a contact pattern for the kids agreed? Have as little to do with him as possible, restrict communication to essentials about kids and house, block them on socials and lean on people you can trust.

NewNameNigel · 02/07/2023 23:07

Have you had legal advice about moving out of the family home and him getting to live there? It doesn't sound like you want this and in your position I think it would be sensible to ensure that you are getting all that you are entitled to. Your ex doesn't sound trustworthy please don't just go along with what he says about the house without proper legal advice.

The children will always know that you are their mum, no amount of nice days out and sleepovers could ever change that.
It is better for them that their dad and the OW/ new partner want to see them and do nice things with them although it's painful for you.

Do you have a good support network in place? You need to be surrounded by friends and family to help you through this difficult time. It will get easier.

Backstreets · 02/07/2023 23:07

Four weeks, and he wants everybody to pretend like nothing! What an utterly selfish man.

Zerrin13 · 02/07/2023 23:08

Hell would freeze over before any woman moved into my house

dotdotdotdash · 02/07/2023 23:11

Why are you moving out? Hope you’re okay. Sounds like he’s been very selfish and deceitful

Sittwritt · 02/07/2023 23:17

Wtf? Why you leaving your house. Tell them both to fuck off. No one would ever move into my house or be spending time with my kids just like that. No one.

Sittwritt · 02/07/2023 23:17

Don’t be a helpless little pumpkin, get some fire and action into yr life. You are not an observer. They are dickheads the pair of them.

BibbleandSqwauk · 02/07/2023 23:24

Christ almighty lovely, this is appalling. On the practical side: Why have you moved out? You are married yes? So you own the house jointly with him. Get some legal advice asap and sort out residency/ contact/ maintenance .
On the issue of his conduct with her and the kids...beyond shitty of him to try and slot her in and hope noone will notice. Very typical "script" ..they want the rest of the world to just warp to accommodate the new status quo and forget that you were ever a thing ..as long as you exist you are exhibit A that he is cheating arsehole. However, it is extremely unlikely that the kids will prefer it / them but it is important you get a regular routine sorted so everyone knows where they stand. I repeat....legal advice ASAP.
Look after yourself, don't be ashamed to get real life support and take one hour at a time. It gets easier x

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/07/2023 23:28

OP referred to her partner of twenty years, not her husband. If the house is only in his name, she may well have no rights to stay.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2023 23:28

You refer to him as 'partner' so I assume you aren't married. I'm also assuming that the reason you 'have' to move out is because the house is in his name.

Before you move, please see a solicitor. I know in the normal way of things you'd have no rights to 'his' home. But you have children together, perhaps they have rights regarding the house.

Only a solicitor can give you the correct information and paying for a one time visit may end up being worth its weight in gold.

Original poster
Theonlywayisupagain · 03/07/2023 06:13

Thank you all for your support. We own the home jointly but I can not afford to buy him out or to live there by myself. He can afford to buy me out and is, I am in the process of buying somewhere smaller and cheaper. Thankfully although they are nervous the kids are excited at the idea of a new home and have been choosing things for their bedrooms. I do have a lot of real life support but it is still very painful to hear about the fun they have all had. I agree they are both being utterly vile and I never thought that he would behave like this. Thank you all again I think I just needed a bit of a handholding

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 03/07/2023 06:21

Remember you get half of everything in the divorce. Pension etc. You might not be as poor as you think and he might not be quite as comfortable as he thinks.

tewneams · 03/07/2023 06:25

@Wallywobbles not necessarily. It's a starting position and it may remain at 50/50, or be more or less depending on other factors. OP needs legal advice

Wallywobbles · 03/07/2023 06:34

@tewneams yes of course you are right. Posted in haste. Knew I’d be picked up on it.

BibbleandSqwauk · 03/07/2023 06:36

Apologies, yes it does change things legally if you're not married. He does however have to pay maintenance and the CMS amount is the legal minimum. Assuming you know his earnings you can use the calculation online as a starting point. You don't have to actually use the service unless he's reluctant to pay but please do look into it and start getting things on an "official" footing. The children need to know where they are at so they have stability. Again, good luck.

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 06:42

They are complete cunts.

Epidote · 03/07/2023 06:56

Sleepovers? If he wants to do 50/50 with children that it's something you can put in an agreement.
Sleepovers? Sleepovers my arse. (sorry, don't mean to be rude). Regardless when their relationship started they can play happy families with a pet.

Your kids are little humans that not need adults messing and playing around them pretending that nothing happened.

Clear and concise childcare agreement and gain control of the situation. Do it for you and do it for them.

Such a pair of w...ers!

Epidote · 03/07/2023 07:02

I think she is keeping him happy because he choose her. Won't last, keep yourself and your kids a top priority.

WonderingWanda · 03/07/2023 07:04

What a pair of wankers. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Have you had some legal advice about the house? If you both own it and it's your childrens home then you might be able to stay until they are 18. Don't just move out and make it easy for them.

Summerhillsquare · 03/07/2023 07:07

Epidote · 03/07/2023 07:02

I think she is keeping him happy because he choose her. Won't last, keep yourself and your kids a top priority.

This is a good point. You will always be their mum.

VDisappointing · 03/07/2023 07:27

Hopefully someone with experience will come on and give you advice - but I would think you should not move out of the family home? Especially if you are the children's main carer?

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