Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Smug affair

59 replies

Theonlywayisupagain · 02/07/2023 22:52

name Change for this.
partner of 20 years left to be with another woman, though at the time was adamant there was no-one else. Few months after split it became apparent to he was seeing someone, has been on numerous holidays with her and is now living with her. We have been split 4 months and have 2 children under 10. Over the past week all arrows point to this having started before we split although they are both adamant there was no crossover. I believe neither of them. The thing I am struggling with is how smug they have both become. They are so blatant and obvious with each other and the kids, acting as though they are a happy family, going on days out and asking for sleepovers. I am not at all comfortable with any of this as the kids only found out we were split up 4 weeks ago. I can not see how it can be good for the kids to have him and her acting like this when they’re and my life has been turned upside down. Me and the kids are the ones having to move out of the family home and she is moving in. How do I emotionally cope with her literally stepping into my life in every aspect but mainly with the kids. What if they would rather live with them as a “family” than with me on my own? I am very worried and upset about it all and every time I think I’ve got a handle on it something new comes up.

OP posts:
Daffodilsandtuplips · 03/07/2023 07:27

I hope you’ve put in a claim for child maintenance with the CMS. Don’t let them railroad you into anything you don’t want.
“You want them to sleepover?.. no, not yet, it’s too soon, 4 weeks? , maybe in six months time when the relationship is more established and you’re not going to do to her what you did to me and spring another woman on them”.

BackT · 03/07/2023 07:32

I've been there on this one. I worried that the DC would want to be with them full time etc. as the house was bigger, the fun was non stop etc. It didn't happen. They are trying to impress each other at the moment. That wears off.

Kids rarely care about the size of a house or the type of kitchen etc.

Wallywobbles · 03/07/2023 07:36

We live in the DSC ex-marital home. ExW moved out 12 years ago. Despite 50/50 home is still with their Mum.

Mumtothreegirlies · 03/07/2023 08:10

You say NO WAY!!
what an absolute bunch of vile scummy c*nts.

SunflowerTed · 03/07/2023 08:18

It’s Looking rosy for them now but relationships based on deceit and cruelty rarely last! move away from a cheating knob and build your new life. Time moves on and you will meet someone and be happy again. Block them on social media and don’t buy into all the bragging etc etc half of it is probably fake ( like them) xxx good luck

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 03/07/2023 09:54

Aw OP, your story is identical to mine.

Nothing you can do...it's shit, really, really shit.

You need to step back and be the strong and consistent mum. Smile (through gritted teeth if need be) Nod in all the right places. If the children tell you stories of their "fabulous" time with dad answer with "that's nice", "really", "lucky you", "OK"

Your kids love YOU. You are mum and always will be. YOU will be the constant, the one they want when poorly, when things need organising.
YOU will be the dependable one ❤

It didn't end well for my ex (and his 22 years younger OW). It didn't end well at all.
Bide your time.
I actually have a little chuckle now, my life is 100X better. I have a happy, relaxed home and so will you. X

Chickpea17 · 03/07/2023 10:02

Wallywobbles · 03/07/2023 06:21

Remember you get half of everything in the divorce. Pension etc. You might not be as poor as you think and he might not be quite as comfortable as he thinks.

I don't think they're married

HappyHippoBirthay · 03/07/2023 10:50

I just want to say they are both a pair of shits.
YOU are their mum no matter what happens.

doingthehokeykokey · 03/07/2023 10:58

OP I wouldn’t get caught up in whether they cheated. Fundamentally it changes nothing. You are where you are.

You are your kids mum, that will never change. Good luck

Original poster
Theonlywayisupagain · 03/07/2023 11:25

Thank you, deep down I know that I will be happier when all of this mess is sorted it’s just really hard when your right in the middle of it and I admire all of you strong wonderful women who have come out the other side. He is a completely different person and why she remotely thinks what she is doing with the kids is ok I will never know. I have tried talking to them both about slowing down but neither seem to respect my opinion at all. I have limited the kids time with them as much as I can for now bcos they are just staying on someone’s sofa so don’t have anywhere really to have the kids.
I do have a question about ring door bells, I have taped over the one in our joint house as I don’t have access to turn it off and don’t want him to know when I’m there or not but every time he picks the kids up he takes the tape off even when I have asked him not to. Do I have the right to tape it up/disconnect it?

OP posts:
Sagaris · 03/07/2023 11:42

Can't you accidentally bash the vacuum cleaner into the wire in the hallway (if yours is wired the same as ours?) That might damage the wire enough so it doesn't work any more.......otherwise just carry on with the tape. Cheeky bastard he is!

Sittwritt · 03/07/2023 11:45

Put fricking superglue on the camera and it will be good for shit. Wanker wanker argggh just can not believe his and her entitlement.

Niceseasidetown · 03/07/2023 11:49

Oh no OP. This isn't on. How selfish, hurtful and confusing for your children.

Daffodil18 · 03/07/2023 11:55

Ring door bells require Wi-Fi so change your Wi-Fi password and then it won’t work. Stay strong because I’ve realised most men are shits now I’ve had my rose tinted glasses ripped from face too!

BlastedPimples · 03/07/2023 12:02

What a pair of shits.

People really don't care about causing pain and havoc, so they? Couldn't care less because, oh, they are in love! It's so fucking teenage.

So, this honeymoon period won't last. Real life will force its way in very soon.

Do not give them anything about you to unite them - they will be enjoying their togetherness and bitching about you.

Meanwhile for your sanity, look at Chump Lady. She's very good at clarifying this kind of bullshit.

All power to you. Remember that they are utter arseholes and no sprinkling of love dust can hide that they are turds.

42wordsfordrizzle · 03/07/2023 12:12

So sorry, what a total shit this is man is.

As PPs have said, get legal advice ASAP- don't move out now unless you actually want to, wait till a judge moves you out if necessary.

Disconnect the ring doorbell, but not till you have evidence that he is removing the tape after you asked him not to - so you can prove that he is trying to controll you by keeping tabs on who is in your home, when you're in and out etc. And this is your home - he's moved out, use that to your advantage.

You need to get the very best settlement for your kids and for you, not whatever offered by your bastard husband - and his awful affair partner. What a prize she has won for herself.

Your kids know she'll never take your place, they will work out that she and your ex broke up your family, they are not going to love her more. You are their mother and they love you.

He is a total shit.

Epidote · 03/07/2023 12:58

For the door bell. If the house is still of both of you you have the same right as him. Tell him that you do not consent to be recorded unless he gives you a copy of the records. You are doing nothing wrong, is still your house. If you fancy sleep there you are more than allowed. Other thing is that you rather to see him as little as possible and moved somewhere else but that doesn't mean that you renounce to your part and your rights. His new partner can't live there until you are bought out if you don't want. Don't let them take the piss.
He wants to annoy you. Don't let him.

And please remember that he is not your friend, be wary of any help he offers you at this stage of the separation.

Clementineorsatsuma · 03/07/2023 14:09

Theonlywayisupagain · 03/07/2023 06:13

Thank you all for your support. We own the home jointly but I can not afford to buy him out or to live there by myself. He can afford to buy me out and is, I am in the process of buying somewhere smaller and cheaper. Thankfully although they are nervous the kids are excited at the idea of a new home and have been choosing things for their bedrooms. I do have a lot of real life support but it is still very painful to hear about the fun they have all had. I agree they are both being utterly vile and I never thought that he would behave like this. Thank you all again I think I just needed a bit of a handholding

My exh did all of this. He ran off with my (wealthy) friend and showered the children with the good life whilst I was poor as a church mouse. They tried to convince the children to live with them and begrudges every penny of the paltry maintenance they ever paid.

My grown up kids always chose to stay with me. Their best ever holiday memory is a seaside caravan, but Florida, because their Dad stressed and was bad tempered all the time and I wasn't.

They love him but they know who he is and what he did.

Build your life the way you want it OP, and ignore them.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 03/07/2023 14:21

Re the ring doorbell, just take it off. Legally who gives a shit, no court or police would give it the time of day.

massiveclamps · 03/07/2023 14:21

Wallywobbles · 03/07/2023 06:21

Remember you get half of everything in the divorce. Pension etc. You might not be as poor as you think and he might not be quite as comfortable as he thinks.

Yes, this. Get yourself a shit-hot solicitor.

DibiaEZE · 03/07/2023 14:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FarTooHotForMe · 03/07/2023 14:25

He is a shit of a man, you are well rid and things will get better for you. Try thinking ahead to when your and the DC are settled in your new place.

ThatSunCreamSmell · 03/07/2023 14:29

How horrible. Sorry OP.

Can you just take the ring doorbell off or take the battery out if it has one? Alternatively black nail varnish over the camera bit?

AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2023 14:29

I agree with changing the wifi password for the Ring, but you should change the wifi password any way. He has no need to log into the house wifi whilst he's no longer living there. If you don't have the wifi password and he won't give it to you, you can always get a new router (and create a new password) and disconnect the old one.

You need to tell (not ask) him to give you the Ring acct log in details. Then change that password, too. I wouldn't do any permanent damage to it, though. That may come back to bite you. If yours is battery powered, you could always remove the battery but of course that would disable the doorbell itself. Maybe paint it over with fingernail polish? That would be harder to remove, but I don't know if polish remover would do damage to the lens. Personally, I'd probably just keep sticking tape over it. A pain, but no damage and easy enough to do.

I'm sorry you'll have to leave your home, but not much to be done if you can't afford to buy him out. I still think you should see a solicitor to see there may be other ways for you to keep the house until the youngest turns 18, to have them calculate the correct amount he should be paying you, and to draw up a legal agreement for that amount. I know for my cousin it wasn't simply half the equity, it was half the actual value of the house.

Imafirework · 03/07/2023 14:34

So sorry OP.
Once a cheater always a cheater.
He will do it to her too when the novelty wears off.
Your kids love you and even though they love him too they are seeing what he is doing to you.

You're doing the right thing limiting the contact and starting again with a lovely new home for you and your kids.
As for the ring doorbell - disconnect it. How fucking dare he!!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread