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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Texts with his friend…

9 replies

FranG65 · 02/07/2023 13:27

I’ve been with my partner almost 6 years. He’s had a female friend for the best part of that time after they met at work. They’re pretty close, although don’t see each other much now as they no longer work together, but they speak most days. He openly talks positively of her about how good of a friend she is to him. She’s in a long term relationship with a woman now but previously was going out with a man.

A few nights ago I had a dream that he cheated on me with her, I didn’t really think anything of it but then when he left his phone downstairs while he was showering, I had the urge to look at his messages to her. A lot of their messages were normal, I scrolled maybe a day or two worth, but some of the messages (I can’t think of the exact context) were “you always calm me” (referring to his mental health) and “you’ll have to look after me” (I can’t remember exactly what context this was in).

Then I saw a messages where they were talking about cannabis, she was surprised that he’d never tried it and said they would have to smoke it together sometime. She then said something along the lines of it makes her sex drive crazy. He then said he’s “like than anyway”. Again I can’t remember exactly the chain of messages and what was said, but he then sent something like “fuck that there’d be cum all over haha”. There wasn’t anything hinting about having sex with each other but I mean?? He then came down and I scrambled to but his phone back so it was all a bit rushed and I didn’t get the chance to check the messages again.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting a bit or if it definitely sounds dodgy? I’ve been quite low in self esteem in general at the moment so I’m not sure how rational I’m being! What would you do?

OP posts:
growgrowinggrown · 02/07/2023 13:35

Only you can decide if your happy about your partner openly speaking in a sexual way to another woman.

Personally, Id think it was a massive red flag and shows they are too comfortable with each other if nothing else.

1980to1989 · 02/07/2023 13:57

I wouldn't like this either, OP. And would your partner be happy with you speaking in such a (sexual) way with a bloke? I very much doubt it.

No doubt men and women can be purely platonic friends with no desire for more, but there are some red flags here. I don't know whether the advice would be the 'watch and wait' or talk to him now.

However, as you're feeling at a low ebb anyway, this situation will chip away at you and that makes me think it's probably best to have a conversation with him sooner rather than later and gauge his reaction, and what he says and how he says it, rather than wait and have it drive you mad?

Have a think about what sort of man you want to be in a relationship with. There's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about being involved with a man who speaks like this with another woman - you don't have to be with someone who does this, so don't be gaslit into thinking otherwise. You set your boundaries, no one else.

TedMullins · 02/07/2023 14:01

I’m very pro opposite sex friendships and think a lot of the jealousy and possessiveness on here is batshit, but even I think this is dodgy.

supercali77 · 02/07/2023 16:34

I have plenty of male freinds and I cannot even imagine myself discussing cumming and sex drive etc. It would feel fucking weird and disrespectful to my DP. If my DP did it with someone i'd not be happy.

Susieb2023 · 02/07/2023 17:10

Ewww nasty. This crosses a line for me. IMHO It’s not normal opposite sex friendship conversation. But question is, does it cross a line for you? If it does you have to work out how to proceed.

Dery · 02/07/2023 19:03

“I have plenty of male freinds and I cannot even imagine myself discussing cumming and sex drive etc. It would feel fucking weird and disrespectful to my DP. If my DP did it with someone i'd not be happy.”

This.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/07/2023 21:08

Well, I wouldn’t like that.

Pablothepalm · 02/07/2023 22:39

supercali77 · 02/07/2023 16:34

I have plenty of male freinds and I cannot even imagine myself discussing cumming and sex drive etc. It would feel fucking weird and disrespectful to my DP. If my DP did it with someone i'd not be happy.

This 💯

SunflowerTed · 03/07/2023 12:02

Seems a bit off. Also, you obviously aren’t comfortable with this as you are checking his phone!!!!!

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