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Original poster

How soon is too soon?

59 replies

Annie35 · 02/07/2023 12:07

Looking for some opinions here. Was out with friends last night and one of my friends has just had the “where do you see this going?” chat with her boyfriend of 1 year. She said they agreed to wait at least 5 years before getting engaged, as anything below that was too soon. Most of my friends seemed to agree which is what’s confusing

For background: I met DH in December 2018. We were dating by March 2019, and living together by April 2020. We got engaged in February 2021, and were married in November 2021. All in all, we were together for 2 years, 10 months before we married.

According to my friends, they all thought it was too soon, which I laughed off, but this morning it seems to be hanging over me. Did I get married too soon? DH doesn’t think so.

We’re all in our early to mid 30s

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 02/07/2023 12:10

What are the consequences of marrying your husband too soon, so far?

Original poster
Annie35 · 02/07/2023 12:14

Nothing at all. He’s amazing, and from day dot, he was just everything I had been looking for. Just before we got together, I’d had a horrific day (family member ill) and he drove to my house, cooked dinner and just held me while I cried. No attempts at funny business, he was just there as my friend.

4 years on and it’s the same - except now with funny business 😂😂😂

OP posts:
WunWun · 02/07/2023 12:15

How old are they?

Nugg · 02/07/2023 12:17

I think 5 years is excessive. We're all different.

I met and moved in with my DH after knowing him for 8 months. Married 12 months later. We were both 30 and just "knew".

Original poster
Annie35 · 02/07/2023 12:18

Friend is youngest of the group, she’s 31. Rest of us are 33-37. I’m 35.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 02/07/2023 12:19

Is it that they've made you wonder about your marriage, or is it that they all thought it was too soon but didn't tell you? Do you feel like 'the last to know'?

CurlewKate · 02/07/2023 12:20

The think I find bizarre is "waiting to get engaged". If you intend to get engaged surely you ARE engaged.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2023 12:25

I don’t see why anyone else’s opinion matters more than yours and your husband’s. What’s it to them?

if you want kids and to be married first then waiting 5 years in your 30s is optimistic.

Original poster
Annie35 · 02/07/2023 12:25

Watchkeys · 02/07/2023 12:19

Is it that they've made you wonder about your marriage, or is it that they all thought it was too soon but didn't tell you? Do you feel like 'the last to know'?

A little bit yeah. My friends have always been very outspoken so if they felt I was marrying DH too soon, why wouldn’t they say something?

one of my other friends piped in with “we couldn’t believe it when you got married after 3 years, it was so bizarre” and my response was “when you know, you know” but now I feel I should have pushed back on that a bit more

OP posts:
ChristmasJumpers · 02/07/2023 12:25

I met DH in 2012, engaged 18 months later and while still in uni. Married in late 2016 after just over 4 years together. Sometimes you just know. We now have our first baby after 10.5 years together - would have been sooner if not for fertility issues.

I suppose everyone is different, but discussing when to get engaged seems very much like agreeing to get engaged to me. It's a bit of a confusing way to do things!

Ragwort · 02/07/2023 12:26

I agree with Curlew ..
the whole planning to get engaged is just bizarre .. the sort of thing 14 year olds might do. But I am unsentimental about things like that .. it's like people planning a wedding two or three years away .. they see 'the wedding' as more important than the marriage.
My now DH & I met and dated long distance for a year (in our early 30s) .. we then agreed we wanted to get married ... it took about eight months to relocate jobs, sell our own homes and buy a place together ... we then got married (very small register office wedding with five guests). That was 35 years ago ... it's worked out OK Grin.

TheShellBeach · 02/07/2023 12:28

I'm really surprised that they have an arbitrary figure of five years in their heads.

I think you're right - when you know, you know.

DH and I moved in together a year after we met and we were married less than a year after that. We've been together for 24 years now.

It was right for us, and it sounds like what you and your DH decided was right for you. Everybody is different.

Original poster
Annie35 · 02/07/2023 12:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2023 12:25

I don’t see why anyone else’s opinion matters more than yours and your husband’s. What’s it to them?

if you want kids and to be married first then waiting 5 years in your 30s is optimistic.

Husband and I are currently trying for our first and we both have had the “maybe we should have started sooner” talk. However wanting kids didn’t make us rush into anything because we also had that talk before we married.

Friend who made the initial comment is 31, would be around 36 when hypothetically engaged, and is adamant at waiting to have kids until she’s married. She wants a 2 year engagement too, so she’d be 38 when married. Another friend did bring this up before, and her response was “age won’t affect me”.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/07/2023 12:31

Another friend did bring this up before, and her response was “age won’t affect me”.

That seems very foolish to me. Women's fertility declines as they age.
My friend has been TTC for three years now. She has had a miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy and is now having investigations for secondary infertility. She is almost 40.

MissTrip82 · 02/07/2023 12:33

That’s weird, I’ve found people with that kind of timeframe are usually younger. When you’re in your thirties you’ve got enough life experience to weed people out a bit earlier, and if you want children then at mid-thirties you certainly can’t give it five years before you even get engaged.

Original poster
Annie35 · 02/07/2023 12:33

Ragwort · 02/07/2023 12:26

I agree with Curlew ..
the whole planning to get engaged is just bizarre .. the sort of thing 14 year olds might do. But I am unsentimental about things like that .. it's like people planning a wedding two or three years away .. they see 'the wedding' as more important than the marriage.
My now DH & I met and dated long distance for a year (in our early 30s) .. we then agreed we wanted to get married ... it took about eight months to relocate jobs, sell our own homes and buy a place together ... we then got married (very small register office wedding with five guests). That was 35 years ago ... it's worked out OK Grin.

Aww love that! I agree, I’m not sentimental enough for essentially “promise rings”. My DH proposed at home while we were in our pjs and I had been on the floor playing with the dog, and our wedding was held in a small hotel 20 mins away with just family and family friends. Very small, intimate but everything I’d ever wanted as I was never comfortable in the spotlight and hate the idea of a huge party in “my” honor.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annie35 · 02/07/2023 12:42

By the way, DH’s response was “would have married you when I met you but I was pretty sure you loved my dog more than me back then.”

Cue my response: “I still love your dog more than you.”

(Obviously I was joking, for anyone who takes that seriously. Just wanting to point out this whole thing doesn’t affect my relationship)

OP posts:
Neverinamonthofsundays · 02/07/2023 12:44

I maried my husband after 20 months. It lasted 5 months before I realised what a collosal twat he was. Been with DP for over a decade and still no plans to marry. Marry in haste and repent at leisure rang true for me but different people and different ideals etc. I dont think it matters what people do or how it takes once they are happy.

Mammyloveswine · 02/07/2023 12:51

Got engaged two years after meeting DH and got married two years after then...another year after that had DS1!

jigglytip · 02/07/2023 12:58

met at 17 married at 19 been 37 years now😁

Original poster
Annie35 · 02/07/2023 13:23

Spoke about this with my sister who herself got married 2 months off from her 5th anniversary (moved in together after 1.5 years, engaged at 3.5 years, married just shy of 5 years) and her attitude mirrored everyone here.

4 years, 10 months felt right for her and her husband.
3 years felt right for me and mine.

Both of us are quite happy with our husbands, and while my friend feels her plan is right for her (which is fine), she’s got her head in the clouds for thinking her way is the right way

OP posts:
Dery · 02/07/2023 13:42

I can understand waiting 5 years if you’re in your early 20s but if you’re in your late 20s/early 30s, then you would usually have a better idea of what works for you, what doesn’t and whether the relationship is right for you. The time period you describe sounds fine to me.

Verite1 · 02/07/2023 13:45

Admittedly I knew DH as a friend before we got together, but we moved in together about 2 months after starting dating. Engaged after a year, married 10 months later. And still married 16 years later. So no, I wouldn’t say “too soon”!

ProfessorXtra · 02/07/2023 13:47

Personally, for me and my life your marriage was far too quick. Especially since most of the time you lived to get her was during a pandemic when life was odd (to say the least).

But does it matter? You won’t know if it’s too soon or just right for 20 years.

It doesn’t really matter if they think it’s too soon. Doesn’t even matter if they were judging you. You sound happy. That’s all that matters

Leo227 · 02/07/2023 13:56

I've had a few 4 year relationships so for me I'd agree that 5 years was when I that this one was the keeper and different. but hopefully you're just lucky.