How soon is too soon?

[Annie35]

Looking for some opinions here. Was out with friends last night and one of my friends has just had the “where do you see this going?” chat with her boyfriend of 1 year. She said they agreed to wait at least 5 years before getting engaged, as anything below that was too soon. Most of my friends seemed to agree which is what’s confusing

For background: I met DH in December 2018. We were dating by March 2019, and living together by April 2020. We got engaged in February 2021, and were married in November 2021. All in all, we were together for 2 years, 10 months before we married.

According to my friends, they all thought it was too soon, which I laughed off, but this morning it seems to be hanging over me. Did I get married too soon? DH doesn’t think so.

We’re all in our early to mid 30s

Married DH nine months after we started dating, 30 years ago next month. When you know...

I did it all the ‘wrong way’ around and was lucky it worked out. Had a child with my then DP after 3.5 years together when I was 27 (we moved in together when I was pregnant), married after 5 years together when DC1 was 2 yrs old and had another baby a year later. Still together and very happy after 23 years.

I’m all for being sensible and planning for the future (God knows I didn’t!) but there is something odd about some of today’s young adults. Plotting out engagements and weddings five years ahead of time is excessive. Doing it in your early thirties is bonkers if you want children. There is a sort of fairytale believing immaturity about it. Wanting the hog photo opportunity or postal, engagement with ring, big wedding, show home house and then babies. In reality, most people don’t get this fairytale and it’s best to be realistic and prioritise. At 30+ and in a committed relationship, I would be wanting to seriously think about marriage and kids after 2 years.

So many typos!

big photo opportunity engagenent

If someone is ‘planning to get engaged’ on a certain date in the future, imo they are engaged the moment that decision was made 🤣

Seems bizarre to me. I'm 48 and was married once for 4 years. It shouldn't have happened and I knew I didn't want to when he asked, the day we married and every day before and since! I've never wanted to get married. Never met anyone I had hopes of marrying.

My current partner? I'd have agreed to marry him within weeks of us getting together if he'd asked. I'm still not fussed about marriage - if he wants to ask me, I'll say yes, but I'll never be found posting on here wondering if I should suggest a time frame or give an ultimatum.

We've been together for 19 months and in the process of moving in together. I've never wanted to live with anyone before either.

I agree, when you know, you know.

And that is more likely once you reach your mid 30s. I've always known.

We met late Jan ‘03, got together mid Feb ‘03, got married March ‘04. Still happily married. We were 18 and 21 when we got married if that makes a difference.

Pffft I really don't think there's a one-size-fits-all model (although your friends clearly do). I met my husband and moved him in within 6 months, in which time we also got engaged. Had it not been for COVID, we'd have been married within 18 months.

If your relationship works for you, that's all that matters - their opinions certainly don't.

Call me Dr Cynical, but if a 31 year old’s partner wants to wait 5 years to get engaged and a further 2 years to marry, I’d bet good money he’s trying to run down her biological clock so he won’t have to have children.

I think if someone is not already planning the wedding or seriously thinking about marriage by 2 years together, they need to consider if the relationship is right. My opinion obviously, I’m not saying everyone should agree!

Your time frame obviously worked for you. Perhaps to your friends it seemed fast because maybe they hadn't really met your DH due to Covid and lockdown - time sort of stopped.

For your friend, is it "5 years till we get engaged" or "5 years till we think about getting engaged"? The latter sounds to me like somebody (probably him) is not seeing this as a committed lifelong relationship yet. I wonder if the friends saying great planning are just trying to be supportive.

In the space of 6.5 years I'd met married and had 2 kids with DH. I was just turning 31 when we met.

Things generally move a bit quicker in your 30s as you're old enough and experienced enough to know what you want (and the biological clock starts ticking that little bit louder).

I really wouldn't question yourself.
If you're genuinely content and happy, then your timeframe worked best for you.

Their opinions are different, it doesn't mean they've got it right.

The timeframe is different for different people.
It could be they want to make sure they're with someone long enough that the bad stuff shows if there is any.
5 is cautious.

But if you really know then that's wonderful and amazing to have.

Don't give it more thought tbh.
It won't bring happiness and it's opinions based off guesses that will make no difference to life.

I find the whole conversation utterly bizarre! Why does everything have to have timescales?!!!!

Different strokes for different folks! I met my husband on this day 21 years ago, two weeks later, he put a ring on it and flew back to the UK, a further two weeks and I flew to th UK to live with him.we returned to our country in June the following year to get married and I got pregnant on my honeymoon so by the time we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary we had a three month old. As I said, that was 21 years ago, and we are still going strong. Love, communication,honesty, loyalty and lots of laughter is my recipe!

I don't think sheer time from getting together til engagement is the most important thing. More important is ticking off a bunch of important things and experiences that might indicate you are a good match ie

• can you take a trip to ikea and not fall out?
• can you tolerate your potential in-laws?
• do you have mutual friends who would support your marriage?
• cats or dogs?
• do you have interests you share that could endure into old age?
• do you prioritise the same things in life?
• do you think you can share finances?

If you think you're compatible on things like these and hsve been through a few stressful life events and hsve come out the other side stronger, then it indicates a good potential marriage... Why wait?

I met, got engaged and married within a year and had a child nine months later. We were late 30s/early 40s though so maybe thought time was not in our side family wise.
I wouldn't wait five years unless I met them at 20 or something.

I can’t see the point of waiting five years to marry. Especially if you are in your 30s and want children.

I’d say a year, two at the most, would be long enough for most people to get past the ‘madly in love’ phase and know if your feelings have put down roots for the long term.

DH and I knew each other slightly through friends, so that gave us a head start. We got engaged six months after our first date; we were in our 40s and were very certain. We married a year later, which would have allowed plenty of time for any rose-tinted illusions to wear off!

Still just as happy 20+ years later.

Waiting to get engaged is a ridiculous thing to say. Waiting to move in together, or to get married is entirely sensible, but only the individuals can say what the right time is.

Well I married my husband after 8 months. Your friends are batshit. There is no appropriate "time limit".

Met mine in the December , became serious by the March , moved in together in the May , still together 25 years later .

I think you did need time to get to know someone before you marry them - so I would say minimum 2-3 years beforehand.

I met DH in December 2019, covid made us move in together April 2020, he proposed July 2020, we got married December 2020 and we are two beautiful kids and very much in love now.

I don't think there is a time stamp on how you feel

I think you know someone enough are two years or so, with a year of living together. If you don't know by then, then a few more years won't make a difference.

Plenty of relationships that were fine 5 or 10 years in, fall apart after 15 or 20 years, so it's not like anyone can say "well, we've been together 5/10 years, so therefore I can now commit confidently to marriage!"

I just think those people who wait years and years are either commitment-phobes whose love for their partner is questionable, and who are therefore keeping their options open until they feel so entwined that they feel they might as well marry.

That's the experience of the few couples I've known who've taken a very long time to get engaged and marry. When they do eventually get engaged, rather than getting excited for them, people tend to shrug and think "finally! I'd forgotten they weren't actually married they've been together so long!"

one of my other friends piped in with “we couldn’t believe it when you got married after 3 years, it was so bizarre” and my response was “when you know, you know” but now I feel I should have pushed back on that a bit more

I'd have been tempted to respond "it's bizarre you don't know your partner enough after 3 years. Why do you think you'll find out things about him in years 4,5 and 6 that will make the difference, and things in years 7 and beyond (when you're married ) that won't!

My husband and I started as penpals, as I was in the military stationed overseas. We spent less than 7 weeks physically in each others' presence before our wedding day. We are now in our fourth decade of married life and still very happy.

Every couple is different and there are no rules.