The last straw with my sister

[pumpkinspice29]

For what seems to be like a very long time coming now, my sister and I have fallen out and I think I am ready to cut her out of my life.

There are many reasons as to why I feel like this. She is a very selfish person and manipulates people to her own advantage. She doesn’t have a kind word to say about anybody and for years, I have said to myself “if she wasn’t my sister, I wouldn’t have her as a friend”.

My partner and I have helped her out recently and she has constantly taken the mickey. You give her an inch, she’ll take a mile, situation.

Last night, was the last straw for me. We had a heated discussion and that was it, she had blocked me on everything.

This type of thing has happened many times before, she is very unkind, not thoughtful in the slightest and is just generally a very selfish person. We have always managed to solve the problem - I say solve, lightly. She never apologises and we just somehow, go back to normal.

However, I’m fed up of it and I think I am ready to leave her behind and move on without her in my life. My children don’t need her as she isn’t a very stable auntie, she’s here when she needs something and will use them to fill the time… then gone when she’s bored and has something better (which is often!).

She’s never been a great sister to me and I think I’m done.

Has anyone else had a similar situation to this please and if so, how do you go on about it with family events etc?

Thank you in advance.

I'm sorry to hear this, I haven't had a similar situation but hope someone will be able to provide some support or share their experiences! Given she has blocked you on everything perhaps she has made it easy for you to "leave her to it" and not engage in the usual "making up" pattern. She sounds like a very difficult person to have as a sister.

You can't pick your family. I'd block her on everything too.

She's your sister. It's up to you what you do. What I've chosen to do is limit contact but respond if contacted. It makes it easier for me but doesn't stop the relationship.

By 'helped her out' do you mean money? Are you angry she's not more grateful?

I think you could stop short of breaking your relationship with her completely, just find a way to be in touch that doesn't feel like you're giving more than you're getting.

So meet for a drink now and then or exchange the odd 'how are you' message rather than trying to get her involved in your family life.

It sounds to me that you have a stable family and partner and are financially fairly comfortable. And that she's single with no kids and dodgy finances? Is that right? If so, she might blow hot and cold because she doesn't know how she fits in, feels inadequate or overwhelmed by the solidity of a family compared to her lifestyle of being less tied down.

If you take some time to think how you related growing up, who was the responsible or silly one etc - I bet there are patterns that repeat and you're both projecting some of that ancient stuff here.

I don't think you have to always keep up a connection with a family member but it's worth thinking through how things might be from her perspective and whether you could see each other in a way that's less about pulling her into your world, more about meeting her as two individuals.

I had this experience with my half sisters and stepmother. Once Dad died, the knives really came out and I realised that my life would be easier without having to deal with their backstabbing, passive aggressive behaviour. So I blocked them. Completely. Sometimes I feel like I miss them but then I remember what they did to me for so many years and then what happened after Dad had passed away.

Yes I am struggling with similar and have been for a couple of years. My sister reached a point where she seems to have rewritten the narrative of her life and framed family as the enemy, cutting us all out in turn for reasons nobody can quite understand. She's also the type to block and flounce and has been incredibly cruel.

I always assumed one day we would clear the air and get back on track but after her last horrible lashing out it was as if a line was crossed. I realised I didn't want to put up with it anymore. I know the utter heartbreak and emotional abuse she's caused people. She ignores her nephews and has missed them growing up. So regrettably, if she wants NC she's got it. It just kind of reached a point of no return.

I don’t have contact with my family due to abuse in childhood. I would say NC is very difficult and it affects everything but for me it was absolutely essential for my mental health and I have no regrets about choosing it. I recommend that you think though how you will handle future family events funerals weddings etc with the bad blood between you. It is a very lose/lose situation when you can’t tolerate the behaviours any longer but I know all to well that feeling of being at the end of your tether with family.

My sister used to be very volatile and fell out with EVERYONE all the damn time. It was awful and I had a few threads on here looking for support about her. Anyway, I didn't cut contact entirely but maintained a more distant relationship with firm boundaries. Recently she has completely changed and we have a great relationship. I love seeing her and we are good friends.

I don't know what the change was to do with but she had a pretty dodgy boyfriend and think he didn't help. We also lost our mum quite young (well she was in hwr fifties, so not young young but not an age when youd expect her to pass away as it was sudden and she was healthy as far as we knew) and i think grief made my sister very angry and she lashed out at everyone.

Also she was very focused on starting a family and she got quite ott about it, but didn't have a partner, then had the shitty bf who led her on a bit and was a general asshole to her. I had dcs years ago and think there were times that was hard for her to be around as she really wanted to start her own family but it didn't work out that way. She has started to see that her life is pretty great without kids now so she is taking a much more "if it happens it happens" approach.

Tldr: I wouldn't write her off entirely necessarily but depends on circumstances and personalities

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I have a similar situation with my sister at the moment. Shes always been incredibly selfish and I feel like I get next to nothing from her in our relationship. She has recently either muted my messages or is just flat out ignoring them. I'm fuming and very hurt

'What I've chosen to do is limit contact but respond if contacted. It makes it easier for me but doesn't stop the relationship.'

I think this is good advice. It means lowering expectations even further than you have already (sadly), but not closing the door completely. It's not easy - I absolutely hate the feeling of being picked up and put down at her convenience - but I guess it hurts less than trying to keep a relationship going single handedly. I'm sorry you're in this position x

Oh, re family events, I'm pretty much fully estranged from my brother but we manage to be civil if we're in the same room. Keep the conversation light - 'been on holiday?', 'hows work?', that sort of thing. And keep it brief. It might help to imagine you're talking to a stranger you've been sat next to at a wedding - you're being polite, but it's fine if you're not massively interested in what they say

I had similar problems with my older sister. She also bullied me as a child.

She did many many things continuing into adult adulthood. I once lent her £200 about 30 years ago. I remember after a year politely asking when she would pay it back. She told me she would pay it back when she thought I needed it. (Ie if I was very, very broke). She never paid it back.

I stopped communicating with her. I kept I touch with her children through my mother. Obviously this was before mobile phones and the internet.

I still went to family events, but I just quietly avoided her. If I couldn’t then I would just grin and bear it and make small talk if I had to.

I didn’t go if the event was at her house, but it rarely was.

Im afraid I didn’t even go and visit her in hospital before she died.

Difficult. My sister and I are currently not speaking because she's angry about something I said when I was angry about something she did/said. It sounds ridiculous when typed out, but feelings in the moment are always valid I think, and it's important to take time to process them. With my sis, I am pissed off about her reaction now and she is pissed off about my reaction then. We are pretty close otherwise and can probably both reflect on a long history of ups and downs in sibling relationships, but I love her and even during times when I've felt she's been very unjust towards me, I would never ever wish her any sadness and I would do anything to help her. I would like to think she feels the same.

If you don't love your sister (no judgement, some people don't) or can't overlook her character, then it's probably best to do what you're planning and you won't miss each other. I know I would miss my sister for the rest of my life if she didn't speak to me again.

just go very low contact
look up grey rock and use it

No contact is impossible if you are both connected to family and creates a lot of drama

'but feelings in the moment are always valid I think, and it's important to take time to process them'

Very much agree. Those feelings are there for a reason. You don't have to act on them, but it's important to sit with them for a while and work out what they are telling you

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your kind replies and advice.

To give a little bit more background. I am the eldest of 3 and she is the middle.

Growing up, excuses were always made for her behaviour. She has had many boyfriends and has always brought them home with a bag load of drama. (When I say home, I mean to my parents house). Drama being, drugs, fights and arguments.

With a boyfriend, they bought a dog whilst living at my parents house. They broke up shortly after and she then moved on to many other boyfriends. It’s been around 2.5 years now since she broke up with the boyfriend she had the dog with. Therefore, my parents have looked after the dog… the dog, is a very anxious dog that cannot be left at home on his own & has to have somebody sleep with him. Ridiculous & pathetic, I know. She then met her boyfriend who she is with now and has moved in with him… without her dog. She doesn’t have a penny to scratch her bum with and every boyfriend has to have LOTS of money. Lots of promises made to get his dog & her dog together so they can move in with each other permanently. He’s 30+ and she’s 23 and there was no proper plan that went ahead - I have to say, my parents are absolute push overs when it comes to her, so I blame them too as it’s gone on for over a year now.

(I will add here - I don’t live with my parents and have children of my own and we live in our own home. But my parents constantly offload about this situation to me which can be infuriating and difficult to listen too).

My parents are on a trip in the states for a few weeks and we have been asked to stay at my parents for the time being. My sister has had to therefore, come home & stay with her dog… yes, sleep with it in the bed. We refuse too!

Anyway, cut this story short - she took the mickey and didn’t come home which meant we had him for 4 days & 3 nights. This weekend, she attempted to lie to us saying she was sick, in order for her to stay at her partners. I snapped and demanded she came home. She came home, collected her belongings & the dog and left.

Now this may seem trivial to you all - but it’s been horrible for years for many different reasons.

During late pregnancy with my first child she went to physically attack me and would have if my Mum didn’t get in the middle of us. I sadly lost my second child mid pregnancy, due to differences found upon a scan, and the day we found out she sat across the room from me and said “at least you don’t have herpes” (she did… shock horror!) - after I just found out I would have to end my pregnancy as my son wouldn’t make it. Amongst, many other comments about me and my family, and people in general. She just does not have one nice thing to say about anybody - related or not.

My parents stupidly paid for a boob job for her on the basis that she would pay them back. Turns out she had a botch job & had to go to a different surgeon to have the work re-done… they paid. £10K later… she looks up during our stay here and says “I’m not paying them back, it’s coming out of the will when they die”.

I don’t just feel angry due to a way she treats me, my family and my children, but the way she treats my parents and gets away with it.

She has beaten me black and blue before (during my late teens) and my parents yet, again made excuses for her.

I feel like all my life I have done my best by people, to please them and to constantly be there for them - and I never get it back in return even when in desperate need. Even from my parents - they overlooked my still birth and were more bothered about my sisters boob jobs as it came around at the same time.

In regards to family events, I would just not go / I would time it correctly to totally avoid her.

I don’t want my children around her one bit (not that we see her much anyway!) so they wouldn’t even notice.

Sorry for the long message - but I felt a bit of history would help.

I would go into so much more detail but there is so much of it - it would probably bore you if this hasn’t already!

Hi Pumpkin, that all sounds completely horrendous. Sounds like your sister is the golden child and can do no wrong in your parents' eyes. You just can't compete against that kind of highly dysfunctional dynamic. They're all getting what they need from the situation and you are an afterthought.

It's so horrible and so hurtful but you really do need to stand up for yourself and protect yourself against these people

My thoughts exactly.

There has been so much that’s happened. But the fact that she has blocked me from the simple situation that happened recently just got me thinking “she really does not care”.

And that alone, is enough for me to just cut her off. Family to me has always been everything - but I am tired. I am just so damn tired of feeling this way.

My family will guilt trip me into allowing this behaviour & treatment - but sadly, this is a common thing that happens in our extended family, so it wouldn’t be a massive shock to the system. But there we have it!

She is supposed to be coming back today to collect more belongings and our Nan’s birthday present which is now long gone… so we will see how that goes.

She sounds awful and like you said, if she wasn't your sister, she wouldn't be your friend.
I'd back off and leave her to her dramas. With regards to family gatherings, you'd maybe just have to ignore her as much as possible I suppose.

@pumpkinspice29 That is absolutely horrendous. In your shoes I would say go either full on emotionally NC or full on NC with her. She is horrendous. Xx

'My family will guilt trip me into allowing this behaviour & treatment'

Well it's much more convenient for them if you smile and nod and don't rock the boat. But what about YOU?! Sounds like your family don't consider your feelings at all. You don't exist just to be a support human to your sister

Dealing with this kind of stuff is bloody exhausting. I don't blame you at all for feeling done with it

Firstly, I wouldn’t let her near my kids. Secondly, don’t mind her damn dog ever again. Even if that means saying no to your parents. I’m guessing you have been compared to her all your life. You’re the people pleaser and can’t understand why your parents keep going back for more when she treats them so badly and minimizing and excusing terrible behaviour. They made this. It’s not your job to fix it.

You truly wouldn’t believe the rest if I even tried to tell you, but my Mum has done a good job and has totally erased that from her memory.

Thank you for all of your messages - I feel much better in the pure fact that it isn’t ‘just me being silly and overthinking’ and it is factual that she is a sad excuse of a person.

I am also expecting a baby after the loss of my son - to which, I truly stand by the fact she doesn’t deserve to see my baby when she arrives this autumn after the way she continues to behave.

I’ll update you all on the situation later - if she even turns up to collect the remaining belongings etc!

If she has blocked you I would enjoy the break tbh. I wouldn't block her back as it just adds to the drama. If your parents try to suck you in to fixing things for her again tell them 'She is an adult and won't appreciate my involvement or interference'.

'I am also expecting a baby after the loss of my son - to which, I truly stand by the fact she doesn’t deserve to see my baby when she arrives this autumn after the way she continues to behave.'

Wishing you every happiness with this, and you are spot on about keeping her away from you and your family

Reply if she contacts you, do not help her again, send birthday , Christmas cards etc and chat to her as you would do at family events but give her no info about your life other than, Yes all fine, busy etc.