The last straw with my sister

[pumpkinspice29]

For what seems to be like a very long time coming now, my sister and I have fallen out and I think I am ready to cut her out of my life.

There are many reasons as to why I feel like this. She is a very selfish person and manipulates people to her own advantage. She doesn’t have a kind word to say about anybody and for years, I have said to myself “if she wasn’t my sister, I wouldn’t have her as a friend”.

My partner and I have helped her out recently and she has constantly taken the mickey. You give her an inch, she’ll take a mile, situation.

Last night, was the last straw for me. We had a heated discussion and that was it, she had blocked me on everything.

This type of thing has happened many times before, she is very unkind, not thoughtful in the slightest and is just generally a very selfish person. We have always managed to solve the problem - I say solve, lightly. She never apologises and we just somehow, go back to normal.

However, I’m fed up of it and I think I am ready to leave her behind and move on without her in my life. My children don’t need her as she isn’t a very stable auntie, she’s here when she needs something and will use them to fill the time… then gone when she’s bored and has something better (which is often!).

She’s never been a great sister to me and I think I’m done.

Has anyone else had a similar situation to this please and if so, how do you go on about it with family events etc?

Thank you in advance.

Update :

She came over to my parents this evening to collect belongings etc (we are staying here during their travels away for a few weeks).

She said hello to my partner and my child infront of me and ignored the fact I was even there.

Her partner ignored my partner when they turned up and left - so she has clearly fed him a load of rubbish (as per usual… she does this with all of her boyfriends and paints the whole family to look bad).

And so she’s gone! My parents arrive home in a weeks time so I’m sure there will be more to come.

'She said hello to my partner and my child infront of me and ignored the fact I was even there.'

My brother does this - greets everyone else but acts like I'm just a hologram and won't even look in my direction. It's so horrible and disrespectful.

@pumpkinspice29 I have same situation but I have gone LC instead of NC. I have advised her she needs to see a psychiatrist and get help with her alcoholism and she will do neither, I refuse to get embroiled in any unreasonable discussions and say just that. I do not want to discuss it.

Works OK so far

Sad I don't have a sisterly relationship with her but it's not to be and in order to look after my own mental health, it was necessary to go LC.

I wouldn't choose to be NC because she is mentally unwell and is an alcoholic which is a disease so I know she is not fully in control of her behaviour. But I cannot take more

Your update sounds so familiar pumpkin. How my sister describes people and what they are really like are often two different things. And the drama follows everywhere.

Someone once suggested I read up on histrionic personality disorder, and it is her to a T.

I totally feel for you. Your sister is the drama queen of the family + I'm afraid it won't change. The world revolves around her, just like it does with my brother. Sadly in the eyes of your parents her dramatics will likely overshadow anything that happens in your life. They see you as resilient, you have support + will cope. They don't have faith she will. And in your eyes she will always take advantage of your parents, because she takes far more than she give to others.
With my brother, he let me down time after time. I realised I kept hoping he would change, grow up + value his family. I had to give up that hope. I didn't cut him out of my life, I just let him drift away by no longer putting in effort or going out of my way for him. I avoid the drama + don't feed his need for attention. With my parents, I will crack a joke about the ridiculous of what they do for him but avoid judging them. That bit is hard but I think about how I'd do anything for my own kids + swallow it down. If required, I give as much effort or time towards him as I am willing to give + give it freely. I do it for my parents + don't expect anything back, no thanks or effort. For example, I plan he will turn up late for family meals; we pre-eat + I pack picnics for the kids to break out when they need to eat so my parents don't have to choose.
I encourage my family's relationship with my parents to be much more normal + reliable.
I read an interesting article in the Metro on the Glass child, i.e. see through.
https://metro.co.uk/2023/05/03/the-glass-child-the-reality-of-being-the-sibling-who-was-fine-18677572/?dicbo=v2-E2ZrOag&ico=outbrain_footer

It really is! It’s sad so many people go through something like this too.

I also think it’s toxic for children who notice it. My son who was there at the time looked at me as if to say, why didn’t she say hello to you?

Well, she won’t be seeing him again after that if I can help it. I’m totally sticking by my guns with this one.

This is really interesting to read and I haven’t ever fully looked at it that way. So thank you for that.

I do feel resentment towards my parents for being like this & for treating us so different to one another.

Especially when they have also come from families where siblings have been treated so different too and they have spoken about this and made comments on how it has made them feel & they’re much older now!

Thank you again.

I will cut contact as much as possible tbh.
She has blocked you, don't call or contact her.
If she contact you, reply firmly and politely and going grey stone. In the order of: I'm afraid that is not possible. Do not reply I would like to but or I wish I could but. You don't own her an explanation about anything.

Have you ever had therapy about this?

From what you've said, I think going nc with your sister is a reasonable thing to do.

BUT it's probably going to upset your parents and I think your real hurt lies with them. You might want to explore it all with a therapist before taking steps to distance yourself from your sister. It all seems volatile.

Your sister's behaviour sounds unpleasant but it also sounds like she's not a happy person.

Agree with this.

Take time to listen to and understand your feelings.

Then decide what boundaries need adjusting to emotionally protect yourself.

Such as

• avoiding, closing down or refusing to be drawn on certain subjects.

• limiting contact - frequency, duration and method

• putting in emotion distance by detaching in your head

• being clear that actions have consequences - that you will quietly with dignity up and leave if she raises her voice or insults you.

If you shift gears she will have to.

There is nothing wrong with evolving a relationship one way or another.

I agree that NC is v tough and painful - though sometimes necessary.

"I think your real hurt lies with them. You might want to explore it all with a therapist before taking steps to distance yourself from your sister. It all seems volatile."

I agree with this.

Your DP have seemingly let you down and thrown you under the bus but you are still protecting them.

It's messy.

I also think your loss and new pregnancy is hugely emotionally complex and I wish you well in coming to terms with it all.

Take care of you, your baby and your little family. Gently reverse out of this drama triangle that your parents facilitate. Divert all your emotional headspace and energy for the new generation - your sister and parents will continue to behave dysfunctionally and drain you if you let them.

Thank you ladies.

I will let my feelings settle as the last event only happened 48 hours ago now.

I will speak to my parents when they are back from their holiday and I will make my feelings clear to both them & my sister.

But sadly, I do think the end of the road is near and I feel positive in the fact that no contact is best for my family and me.

It truly has gone on for far too long and I do feel like for years now, her behaviour and the constant excuses for it … generally consumes me and my life.

If I have no contact and no knowledge of her and the drama that she brings to the family, I truly believe I will be a much happier person and more content within myself. I want that for myself and for my family too.

I want my children to be brought up by a happy mummy and not a mummy who constantly feels like she’s fighting a losing battle 24/7 - because, it’s gone on for over 15 years now.

After witnessing both my parents not have relationships with their siblings and seeing the knock on effect that had to their lives and how much more content they are within themselves, I feel like I am just ready to take that leap.

If that upsets them, then that’s on them. Not me… they need to question why they don’t have relationships with their own siblings as that will answer all of their questions in regards to my situation.

^^ I know that may sound very selfish - but for so long, I have tried so hard and never prioritised myself - I think it’s about time I was a little selfish for my own happiness.

I haven't spoken to my sister for 7 years officially, this is when our mother died. Before that I only saw her once or twice a year at family events.
She was never nice to me growing up, our mother favoured her. Any arguments were my fault regardless if who actually was to blame.
I spent 30 years trying and even asked her what I had done to deserve her attitude.
Needless to say, when our mother wished for me to try to get closer to her because it would only be us left, I said nope.
I no longer self harm, she was one if my biggest triggers, I no longer have to worry about her visits and my ds is no longer used to keep my nephew calmer.
Just because your sister is blood doesn't mean you have to continue to put yourself through hell.

^^ I know that may sound very selfish - but for so long, I have tried so hard and never prioritised myself - I think it’s about time I was a little selfish for my own happiness.

Being selfish can also mean self care.
Put yourself near the top of your pyramid when it comes to your needs and priorities.
Go NC, live a more peaceful and enjoyable life.

Ah, good luck to you pumpkin.

For me the awful thing is me and my sister were always best friends. But as I said in an earlier post things just reached a point of no return, and that's the best way I can describe it... rather than doubting my own judgement or pitying her situation, I just knew enough was enough.

I reached a similar point last year. When I realised the "difficult sister" was actually an adult who was verbally abusing me and manipulating me and someone I didn't want in my life. You need to speak to your parents and say you are considering cutting all contact and go from there. My parents agreed not to offload to me about her and I am only civil when I see her and that was enough for me to regain control. I don't instigate any conversation or engage in drama but I can be in the same room as her and be polite.

Im sorry for what you are going through OP.

I do wonder though why you are going to let your parents know in a formal kind of way. I don't know if I am right or wrong here but I'd be cautious about letting it turn into a conversation where you are almost asking for their permission. Because you have clearly found it hard to come to this decision, and its causing you heartache. It would be hard if they end up persuading you not to do it. And putting the guilt on you.

What your sister did was a classic. Didn't want, for selfish reasons, to come and look after her own dog, thought she'd just dump it on you. When you said quite reasonably no I will not do it, Her immediate reaction was to give you the cold shoulder.

I suspect this is her go to way of controlling everyone and making them do what she wants. The fear of the cold shoulder. I suspect she uses this on your parents a lot.
You've stood your ground and she has immediately, without further discussion, blocked you from contacting her. The irony is that now she's done this. She can't get any further reactions from you, which will drive her mad.

So you shouldn't feel any guilt about your decision, since you didn't make it, she did. You have called her bluff.

I hope when she comes to collect her stuff - another high drama moment for her to display her cold shouldering with even the BF joining in - that you won't be there, so that you don't have to put up with this mean behaviour.

I have a sister who is incredibly toxic , causes problems then acts completely innocent . Never says sorry for anything . I had been feeling like I wanted to go nc for a long time and one day she shouted at me for no reason and I thought I’m done so I didn’t text her at all . Then two weeks later on what would have been my dads birthday she messaged me and I had really bad anxiety as I wanted to tell her to piss off and ignore her and just not have a relationship with her . I thought about it a lot and I know if I cut her out completely I would have worse problems , lots of drama turning up at my house etc .. so I decided to do low contact , I won’t see her at my mums home I make sure she isn’t visiting when I am and if she turns up when I’m there then Il leave . Look up the grey rock technique it just helps to cope , so if she texts just give really brief answers if she says how r u just say yeah fine don’t ask how she is , don’t give her any information , just be completely boring . If I do have to go to any events I either don’t go or if I see her I’m just polite like hi how r u how’s things that’s it . Protect your energy/mental health at all costs

If your parents bring this up to you I think you need to remind them about their family histories. They need to remember how they felt and you need to tell them that you are feeling that way.

I’ve cut off my awful brother who was violent and made my childhood a misery. The rest of the family dance attendance around him and his low self esteem and nebulous issues. I found that using one simple example about their bad behaviour has been unbelievably effective in shutting down family pressure to “be the bigger person”.

Mine is “x spat in my face when I was 21. I don’t have relationships with people who spit in my face.”

”oh but surely that was 25 years ago. Can’t you forgive and forget?”

”No. He spat in my face and I don’t forgive people who spit in my face”.

”Oh he had issues and life has been hard for him”

”He will need to find support from other people because I don’t support people who spit in my face”

etc etc rinse and repeat. My parents know that this is what I will say. They have only tried to ambush me with the make up with your brother shit when surrounded by other relatives only once. I used my line and they have never tried that again. My brother did many awful things to me but using the one line has given me so much power to deflect the bullshit.

I wouldn't speak with your parents. Just leave the relationship with your sister dirf. Your parents may take her side and as PP have said it will look like you ask them for permission.
Do it in stages, don't engage any conversation about her. If they ask you once they know her version of what happened. Tell them something like I have to ask her to take the dog because it was to much for me and at the end of the day she knows better how to take care of him, kind of answer. Grey rock her, she will get bored of you.

Forgot to say. You don't have to justify your actions nor explain them. It is her dog, you couldn't take care of him so the best solution was to tell her to do it.

Focus on the dog, this time. Don't open the pandora box. One thing at the time.

'I do wonder though why you are going to let your parents know in a formal kind of way. I don't know if I am right or wrong here but I'd be cautious about letting it turn into a conversation where you are almost asking for their permission'

I agree with this. You and your sister are adults - your relationship is for the two of you to manage. I wouldn't discuss it with your parents at all - you know they have a history of always making excuses for her behaviour, and they are unlikely to be able to see your side here. Don't set yourself up to have to plead your case and justify your decision

There's nothing wrong with being 'selfish' by preparing your own needs when selling no one else is.

Think it though though - you go nc with your sister. Parents upset, sister upset. (Or maybe they're not - would that feel worse?)

Parents might seem to 'side' with her. You thought you were cutting her out but you end up feeling cut off from them too. That amplifies what happened to you as children.

I'm not saying don't cut off your sister, I'm saying maybe take time to think (possibly with a therapist) to minimize the pain you experience and ensure what happens is actually what you want.

The timing of this during a pregnancy is also a worry - you don't want to feel distanced from your parents around the birth, presumably.

Good luck op!

I'm talking from experience in my own family btw op!