Anyone started again from nothing with nothing.

[BLTpastasalad]

Has anybody left a DV relationship with absolutely nothing, no money, no job, no home, kids and made a decent life for themselves? Not necessarily just financially but feel they have a decent quality of life? I’m at the lowest point in my life right now. I know my circumstances will eventually change but I feel so behind everyone in terms of having to start from absolutely nothing in my late 30s.
positive stories or words much appreciated please.

You've a million times more on your own than with him. You are safe. You have the rest of your life ahead of you.

Good luck

Yes I have.
I’m sorry you’re in this position.
I left my lovely home with my daughter and 2 binbags of our things. He kept the lot.
We stayed in my parent’s spare room for a few months until we were very luckily given a housing association property to move in to.
while it was a very depressing and horrible situation I will say the first night we were in that flat, we had nothing apart from literally a mattress, a borrowed tv and a microwave but it felt like we were in a palace.
I didn’t have to hear his car pull up or his keys in the door, it was bliss.
it took a while but we made it, we were happy and my daughter thrived, I got a job that wasn’t great pay but I was happy and slowly added furniture to our home as and when I could.
I promise it gets better and makes you realise stuff is just ‘stuff’,
You can’t put a price on being free from an abuser x

Yes, at the age of 50 after 28 years. I got made redundant and got a 3k payout that was enough for me to go. Took my car and a few essentials. After trying many letting agents finally found one willing to let to me if I paid up front. Found a job quickly and started again. I had literally nothing. My local St Giles charity shop was amazing. The manager gave me massive discounts off bits of furniture when I told her my situation. I also bought bits to start me off like crockery etc from there. Four years on I've just bought my own home, had carpets fitted today! Slowly getting there. It was hard. I've cried a lot. When I was right in the midst of the abuse I told myself 'one day when your free, it will never be this bad again, you will never feel this frightened again, you will take back control'. It's true. At the end of the day I embrace my freedom and have found an inner strength I never knew I had, it was there but suppressed for years. I promise you, if I can do it, anyone can. Good luck, be strong. It's a tough journey but what you are surviving now is far tougher.

You don’t have nothing …. You have your whole self 🥰

Thanks so much. I’m in exactly the same position. Sometimes I feel there’s no hope of having a fulfilling, independent life.
Unfortunately, I live in an overpopulated area where council housing is in huge demand.
I can’t wait for the day I’m able to have my very own space, just me and the children. I know it will feel like heaven!!

Yes, literally ran for my life with the clothes on my back and my 2yo. I was 19.
Best thing I ever did, it was hard, for many years to be honest, but being free was worth it, and back then I wouldn’t have dreamt that I could have the life I have now. Looking back it’s like it happened to different person.

Just do it. People say life is short, but actually, it’s the longest thing you’ll ever do. Imagine spending it all as you are now. It’s summer, the weathers lovely, imagine waking up on a lovely Saturday morning, packing a few sandwiches and heading off to the beach/park/lake with the kids, then going home without worrying what’s waiting for you. Do it.!

I left my abusive ex 20 years ago and made a life for myself and my daughter many miles away. We are now very happy. Please do this and don't look back. Wishing you the best for your life ahead.

@freeandfierce Well done! It’s so reassuring to hear success stories like yours.
I’ve been told by my Women’s Aid worker that I’m in the “eye of the storm” at the moment. Abusers usually use all weaponry in their arsenal when the partner leaves.
Im using the imagery of me being happy, having my own space, work and independence to spur myself on so knowing it is within reach helps a lot. Especially in the dark times.

Yes. I left with some clothes and belongings. 40k of debt he left me with. A leased car I was liable for at £600 a month. I lost my dogs. Hadn’t worked for 5 years as I was his full time carer. I was 31. Had to move in with family.

it’s been two years now and still dealing with the financial consequences. But I studied for a Law degree whilst I was with him, thankfully. I got a 1:1 a month after I left. I managed to get myself in a position to study the Bar, got a distinction in that. A distinction in my masters.

it’s been up and down and feels like I have lost everything over and over but it is still hands down the best thing I have ever done.

it’s like jumping off a cliff. The biggest test of faith, but I promise it will be worth it.

It was me, three primary aged kids and what I could put in the boot of the car in the 30 min gap he was out of the house. We were in a Women’s Aid Refuge for six months.
Today, I have a lovely 3 bed house in the countryside, great relationships with my (now older) kids, our dog, good job. I feel peaceful every day.
Oh, and my best friend is a woman I met in refuge.
Life is too short my lovely, you can do this.

Thank you for your responses and stories.
The freedom of doing anything on my own feels scary as I’ve had every area of my life controlled by him for so long. I’m still going through the court process so moving away isn’t an option as he has 50/50 custody at the moment.
Also getting a job is difficult working around my week on/ week off schedule.
I’m still in limbo at my parents house at the moment but I’m keeping the end in sight!

Many years ago now I went into a refuge with 2 young DC and just the clothes on our backs. It was tough at times but knowing we were safe was the most important thing.

We built up a good life and seeing my DC grow up happy and confident was the best thing. You will get there. You’ve done the hardest part which was leaving in the first place. You have so many good things to come 💐

Not DV so apologies if this isn't appropriate to respond, but I was in an abusive relationship for over a decade, my ex-wife controlled everything, my finances, my relationships with other people, what I could eat and drink etc. I grew up in an abusive home and met my ex-wife when I was 15 so I really didn't know any better.

Anyway when I eventually broke free, I had nothing, not many clothes no family or friends to go to (we'd just moved countries) and I was a bit lost. I had a good paying job at least, but that was it.

I would say starting over feels weird when someone has been telling you what to do or controlling you for an extended period of time. It felt weird making my own decisions and one thing that took time to adjust to was the abundant freedom. I ended up gaining weight and drinking a bit too much because I suddenly could do anything I wanted.

But anyway 4 years later, and things are pretty good now. I've gotten back in shape, I love my job and all is well. There is light at the end of the tunnel that's all I'm saying. And you have your whole life ahead of you! Take it one day at a time.

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time OP.
I left my exH some years ago now in a DV situation with nothing except my DS.
I went to uni and got an NHS degree and then after a few years and promotion I managed to buy us a home.
Now I'm helping DS buy his first home.
My ex refused to pay maintenance and so I was on my own, he was banned by the courts from seeing DS either.
I think we did ok, after the first few tough years, with a bit of hard work and determination.
i hope you do too. The only block to get over really was psychological.

I'm surprised men like this are given 50/50 custody tbh they always abuse it.

I have, but in a different way, as a homeless 16 year old thrown out of an abusive home. I had nothing and got no help from social services or benefits etc. It was a long road but I have a completely different life now.

Don't compare yourself to other people. They have not walked your path. Surviving this and having the strength to leave and start again is huge and you will find a much happier life. Be kind to yourself.

Sorry just seen from your later posts you have children which obviously makes it much harder. I had understood the opposite from your original post somehow. It is disgraceful that abusive men are given access.

JK Rowling has.

one of my sisters

loads of women, all doing great, and you will too.

So you've already left?

TW- SA

Yes I’ve left and am now living with my mother and my children 50/50. The abuse was mainly sexual, coercive control and financial abuse.
The abuse is ongoing through various indirect methods of harassment and stalking. We live In The same town. I refuse to move as it’s where my support system, children’s schools etc is and he is from out of the area.
Im still going through court process for custody.
Im struggling because I have nothing of my very own. Not just possessions but no safe space of my own, no job etc. Makes me feel like a total failure even though the rational side of my brain knows I’m doing what’s best.
Sometimes I feel empowered that I’ve left and hopeful for the future but I also still have very dark and difficult times when facing the prospect of rebuilding my whole life from scratch.

It does seem overwhelming, starting totally from scratch. But this will be a new life that nobody can screw up for you or wreck. That freedom is worth a lot more than material possessions and is what will bring you peace and contentment, once the storm has passed.

It makes me furious that contact etc is still allowed. Can you get a restraining order at least so he can't come near your house? The law does so little to protect women and children.

You will find a job, and build a new home and life. You'll finally be able to do all of those things and have more friends etc because you are free of him. You've unlocked the cell door, escaped, and are now out in the desert trying to find a hospitable place to live and need to use your survival skills when already exhausted to build a shelter etc. BUT you have done the hardest part - escaping! And you will survive, and be much, much happier. And before long, you keep adding to the shelter and it will become a palace that is all yours. You've done it, the escape from Alcatraz, and you should be very proud of that.

And whatever you do, never, EVER, give up that freedom to a man again. No keys to the palace. No marriage, no cohabiting, so you can always say "bye, don't ever contact me again" whenever a relationship is not making you happy. No financial entanglements or risk to your home if you break up, and then you can always be totally free to make sure that you are never treated in this way again.

Yes I did.
I had to move 300 miles away with just a few bags of clothes with my children.
So much better off in every which way.
Be kind to yourself, take each day as it comes, there is light at the end of the tunnel x

I ended up self employed cleaning op. Still doing it 10 years later and love it. Remarried and have another dc too!
Stay strong op.

I left with a suitcase and my dog .

I stayed with family for 3 months to get a deposit for a rental , and started again from scratch.

I've built a good life , but I did keep my
Job tho I had months off sick .

I'm so much happier . I was from the day I got my rental keys . I slept on a blow up bed on the floor but i made a house a home , made new friends , new hobbies , and slowly for my life back .
It can be done . And I'm so much happier .