Anyone started again from nothing with nothing.

[BLTpastasalad]

Has anybody left a DV relationship with absolutely nothing, no money, no job, no home, kids and made a decent life for themselves? Not necessarily just financially but feel they have a decent quality of life? I’m at the lowest point in my life right now. I know my circumstances will eventually change but I feel so behind everyone in terms of having to start from absolutely nothing in my late 30s.
positive stories or words much appreciated please.

Yep. The one thing my life I've never regretted.

Where did you go if you didn’t have family to go to?

My parents live within walking distance, we park our car on their drive. They have room and so does my nan. But I really wouldn’t want to bring trouble to their door, it would make things 100 times worse.

Not a DV situation, though ex-h was later arrested for stalking and DV (towards me. It's a long story and I won't go into it), but he lost his temper one night and locked me out of the house. I was passed a hold-all and my laptop through a window. I spent two months living with family before finally finding a rental property.

Friends were very supportive and I managed to furnish my new house largely with donations from them.

I've had some financial issues since as a result of a sudden change in circumstance, but I now have a lovely house still furnished with freebies, but at least it's my safe haven.

Late 40s when it happened.

I can replace the stuff, but what I can't replace are the years with my children who he poisoned against me, but funnily enough now a new woman is on the scene he isn't the slightest bit interested in them....

Hi OP yes, I left, 15 years ago. With three very young children, due to DV. It was horrific, and I lost every single sense of who I was. I moved in with my father, and younger brother, and shared a single room with my three children for almost a year. My ex found us, and the first few months were horrendous, resulting in a panic alarm being fitted in the house and subsequently a Restraining order. The guilt for what I brought to my family's door, as well as all the other emotions almost killed me at times.
But things did settle, I got a part time job working in a bar, and my Dad had the children for me in the evenings after he had finished work. I did the Freedom Programme which was sold to me as a fairly new method of learning how to adjust. And it worked, in time.
Fast forward to now, I have a degree, a good job, my own home. I am immensely proud of the children..he never got contact with them, and, I heard he passed away 3 years ago. I can honestly say, it was only then, I felt truly free, but didn't realise that until I heard that news. There is life after, a good, amazing life. But you have to sink to the very bottom sometimes to be able to rise again. What's important is that you remember that, and you keep fighting, those first few months after leaving were almost worse than had I stayed. But we fight. We fight and we win.

Yes.. my ex father of my children was horribly mentally and emotionally abusive and at times physically hurt me.
Leaving him was letting myself free
I thrived without him to clip my wings.. it hasn't been an easy life, but it has been the better life.
Wish you well OP
I wish I had been told
Not to jump into another toxic relationship
Take time to know me and like me (ignore the words I heard before)
Focus on personal development and achievements, these are the things that will stand by you.
Learn to live alone, without a partner, you will be so much stronger and in control. When the time comes, remember why you left and don't let it happen again in a different guise.
The next phase is so important, you will be vulnerable and people take advantage of this.
Be strong, commit to yourself
It took me 15 years but I'm so happy now.

Good things take time OP, this is just a temporary stage, a stepping stone towards a much better way of life for you all. Never compare yourself with anyone else. I know a woman who looks from the outside that she had it all, yet her husband is a monster and in her own words has broken her, no strength to leave.
You've done the hardest bit, it takes so much courage to do what you've done, hold your head up high, it will all work out. It's normal to feel fearful, these are big changes, uncertainty will make you feel anxious but never look back. Keep moving forward, you can't put a price on a safe peaceful calm life.

Yes I have.

My life now is night and day. I'm incredibly happy. You will be okay, things will get better.

Thanks everyone for the kind words.
As some of you have suggested, life post separation has at best been grim and at worst unbearable. The abuse has ramped up to a level of malice I couldn’t even have imagined.
Im terrified of attending the family court as I’ve read so many horror stories of parents who’s abusive ex has been granted full custody of their children through lies and deceit which my ex is a pro at.
It feels like a never ending uphill struggle at the moment but I’m pushing and slowly moving.
The analogy of the escaping prison and having to weather the storm has helped me emensely and I just hope with my whole being that there’s a safe and happy place at the end of this for me. It’s felt like I’m living in hell to the point that I’ve thought I must deserve it.

Sort of. Few years ago I was homeless, just discharged from a 6 month hospital stay, had moved location so was completely alone, had lost my job/home just been assaulted and suffered a miscarriage, my cousin has just committed suicide and my Nan died on New Year's Day... utter hell 😅

But fast forward.. I am on track, lovely partner, baby, beautiful home, getting back to work in a new job. An unrecognisable life.. I too am completely different. (I find pain and trauma changed my personality I describe it as a cornered puppy, completely out of character when feeling so threatened and scared)

Family court is unpredictable meaning don't panic if you feel your losing or no one on your side. Judges don't give any hints and things completely do a u-turn sometimes. So try and remain calm till the final hearing. I find family court very surprising

The family court makes some odd decisions. I can't lie. I wish I had known just how bad it was.

I would urge you to report him for all incidents to the police ASAP and get help from Women's Aid. They can help you get a solicitor.

I wish I had done this so please get that evidence.

And yes, I've started over again a few times in my life for one reason or another. It's hard, but it's very much doable. Keeping your sanity is worth more than any amount of money or possessions.

Yep, I was 32 and walked away with nothing but my daughter and my 13yo banger, i thought i was finished. Things didnt really get better for 2/3yrs and i had suicidal thoughts. Now 5yrs on its all changed - lovely supportive partner, own a beautiful period house, own shares, building a pension, daughter has the pony she wanted.

I'm glad the analogy helped. It really is a storm, and you are strong enough to have realised this is wrong and need to change and that means you will survive the storm. You rebuild, you start from scratch. It hurts, it's hard, it's painful and physically, emotionally and financially difficult, but so, so much better than the alternative. You have this in you, you have to do it for yourself but also for your children, and you are doing it. You should be very proud of that. Going home each day to a place that feels safe has a value that cannot be measured and is much more important than material things, as others have said. Don't ever give somebody the keys to lock you in a prison again.

All of the women on this thread rock! So do you Op, but it will take time.

This!
When you get your new front door, that door will be your draw bridge. Never ever compromise yourself again with a man.
Keep the drawbridge up for as long as you can. Peace perfect peace awaits you and the kids. It’ll come. Keep the faith, be patient. It’ll come, you’ll see.

Yes. I waited until my partner had gone to work (a rare occurance). I saw that he got picked up in a car and I saw my opportunity. No drama. I left everything behind. I left the house in a summer dress wearing flip flops and a little carrier bag with a few bits in it, and I had £60 on me. That was in summer 1997. I didn't know where to go so headed straight for the railway station and got on the first train north. I stopped at a nice looking town (York) and had a job and a place to stay by that night. But, that was a far more trusting, happy time, when everyone wanted to get to know you, and I had no children in tow. I had three years completely man free but the best time of my life. Many years later I'm now married and happy.

Yes! I lost almost everything.

I had a tiny flat then got a social housing place a year or so later. I love having a pretty home and had a perfect cottagey place with him with wood burning stove and gorgeous kitchen but I don’t miss it. Some people say wistfully how lovely it was but it was a gilded cage.

I don’t own my social housing place, but it feels like mine. I have ptsd so don’t do the job I am qualified for and do something a lot simpler, so money can be tight, but every wall I have papered and every piece of furniture I have bought makes me happy.

As a poster up thread said, it isn’t things that matter anyway.

I can hear my daughter singing in her bedroom as I write this and it makes me feel warm inside. There’s something magical about our life now. We go on lovely day trips together and hear the owls hoot at night.

Being free will be hard work but you can do it. You will lose some things. Some people may judge and not understand, but what you gain will be worth it. You deserve to be free!

It’s felt like I’m living in hell to the point that I’ve thought I must deserve it

Also @BLTpastasalad this is the abuse, the effect of it. That you become convinced it's your fault, you must deserve it, even that you have to be in this situation because you're too weak to be alone.

It's not your fault, you don't deserve it, and you're not weak because you're leaving it, which is a huge show of strength.

You will be so much happier if you just hold on. Many times I was clinging on by my fingernails but don't give up. It will get SO much better. You will be free again and start to remember who you were before.

If you didn’t have family to go to where did you go?
I have 3 kids (16, 11 and 9) I really want to leave but don’t know where to go.

My advice to any woman in a relationship where you are living together, married or not, is to always have some money put by for emergencies. No-one ever thinks domestic violence will happen to them until it does. The hardest thing is having no safety net. I learned that one the hard way. Many years later and now married to a lovely man, I still don't have a joint bank account with my husband and wouldn't with anyone, ever. You need running away money put aside. This is a very old idea, but it's true.

Yes i have op.
I left my ex with 1 bag of clothing, my daughters clothing and toys. I left 4 years worth of stuff behind.

I had to sofa surf for 3 months and do a ridiculous journey from where I was staying to my daughters nursery 5 times a week to be able to work. Fortunately it was during Covid times so was wfh. I saved every penny I had and I was able to put a deposit down on a rental.

We moved in and my daughter had a second hand travel cot for several months and I had a mattress on the floor.. it took almost 18 months to get back on my feet. I remember one day having not one single penny in my account and having to ask universal credit for an advance. It was awful. My lowest point.

Nearly 4 years on I'm in a job where I earn enough to provide everything for my daughter. She's about to start school and is the happiest I've ever seen her.

We have a network of friends around us in the area we moved to and I've been a relationship for nearly 18 months where we live separately and he hasn't met my daughter. Its all on my terms this time.

There is hope OP. It takes time and guts, but there's hope.

I'd do it all again in a heartbeat if I had to. You can't put a price on yours and your kids safety