Creepy ex - I need a restraining order but don’t know how

[Firsttimemother2022]

Me and my ex broke up in March but we have a son together so it’s not as easy as ‘cutting him off.’ I have however maintained that contact with our son is to be through his mother or my sister.
Anyways, since breaking up he has not respected that boundary and has turned up at my house and left notes through the door. He never signs his name so proof that is him.
I’ve just ignored it in hopes that he will get bored and leave me alone.
But the other night I woke up and it must’ve been about 4/5am since it was still dark outside, and I opened my eyes to see him sat on my bed watching me.
The crazy thing is I just went back to sleep 😮 and when I woke up in the morning he was gone. My doors are always locked so I’m guessing he climbed through the windows since they were open at night due to the heat.
Long story short he is a weirdo and I’m now paranoid to even have my windows open. I have looked online about getting a restraining order in place but it says I need evidence. Does anyone know how ‘strong’ the evidence needs to be? I have no records of phone calls etc from him as I’ve changed my number. I literally have no proof that he is harassing me. Will the courts just believe me? As it’s my word over his?

jesus fucking Christ that’s horrifying

I can’t help on the legal side, but surely it’s police to start with? And the first things first I’d get cameras up. Ring / arlo/ Yale. Even the cheap £20 ones on Amazon would be a start

OMG So you didn't call the police?

You need to report it to the police preferably when he is there or just leaving.

You also should have kept all the messages and recorded the dates.

Next time make a noise e.g. shout fire so your neighbours can hear you.

Get CCTV installed asap if you can.
report to police, neighbours might have cameras, and even if not evidence it’s then logged.
log everything both past and from now on.
also reach out to all services you can, others will be on soon who can signpost you.

So sorry this must be really unnerving and it seems like he’s escalating - you’re not over reacting to report to police and start the process of a restraining order

Report to police. It's a non molestation order you need. Restraining orders are only where a criminal conviction has taken place.

I don't want to be that twat, but are you sure you weren't dreaming? It's the way you just went back to sleep as if he wasn't there - I've had incredibly vivid dreams like this before which felt intensely real but I've realised after simply didn't happen.

That aside, his behaviour is unacceptable and I'd suggest seeking legal advice and/or speaking to Womens Aid.

Would it be too late to report now since he’s not actually here?
I understand I should’ve woken up and called them there and then when he was sat on my bed but if I do it now won’t it just be an allegation with no evidence? Or will it actually help me with getting a restraining order?

Not necessarily.

I know of restraining orders being given to people when there is no criminal conviction. Unfortunately it takes lots of events like the OP has had or fights between the parties e.g. about 30 before they are applied for.

And lol no I defo wasn’t dreaming but I can understand how you might think that.

Obviously you go to the police.

However, are you confident it actually happened and wasn't a dream? I often have very vivid realistic nightmares of the thing I'm stressed about actually happening - and I'm a bit confused how you managed to wake up in the dead of night, see your ex (who has been harassing you) sat on tour bed and just fall back to sleep again with no altercation?

If you're confident, police 100%!! And lock everything/get cctv etc.

Yes, sorry you are right - it can only be granted in criminal proceedings though, but doesn't actually require a conviction. Non molestation is a civil application.

The Suzy Lamplugh trust advises on stalking - https://www.suzylamplugh.org/

You should also may have a local domestic abuse/violence group which may be able to give you advice.

@EnterFunnyNameHere I understand it may not sound believable and police could think I’m wasting their time.
But back story is I’m a single mum to a toddler who doesn’t sleep too good. I’m also working and I’m exhausted 24/7. When I saw him I didn’t have the energy to speak or get up. I just wanted to sleep 😩 I know it sounds mad.

Will look into ring door bells. Thanks for that suggestion and the others.

Get a Ring doorbell.

And maybe a monitor in your room that records when it detects motion?

wansview 2K Baby Monitor Camera, Pet Dog Camera Indoor WiFi Home Security Camera with Real-time Alert, 2-Way Audio&Night Vision, Works with Alexa K5 amzn.eu/d/1nEjblN

As your child is a toddler make sure your indoor cameras say they are baby monitors.

When you put up the ring door bell make sure you put the little sticker up on the front door or in the front window that you are recording people. It needs to be visible.

Only because if you need to use the evidence in Court you can easily prove that he like everyone else who visits you knows they are being recorded, and as you have a toddler it is reasonable that you still have baby monitors around your home.

@Reugny thanks for this info, it’s really helpful to know.

How did he get in? Are you sleeping on the ground floor? If yes, you need bars or a mosquito net asap, along with the security equipment others suggested.
I hope against hope you just had a nightmare... otherwise this is horrid and defo a criminal matter.

Restraining orders are granted on conviction. Whether you will report or not, you can get the ball rolling on a non molestation order, which is a civil order similar to an RO. There are charities that will help you with that. NCDV is one such charity if you're in the UK.

@Rec0veringAcademic through my living room windows I think. I have outdoor seating so it would have been pretty easy for him to climb on it to get in and yes I’m ground floor.
I only left the top one open but when I woke up my left one was open too.

@Milamight thankyou I will look at that charity. Are the penalties higher for breaking a restraining order as opposed to a non mole station? I’m not really bothered which one I can get, so long as he leaves me alone.

Its the same- breaching both come with power of arrest, it is an offence to breach. Good luck x

That has chilled me to my core.

Work with a domestic abuse charity, they can help support you with a non-molestation order and occupation orders and support you going to court, they will be able to come into court with you for your hearing and sit with you.
They can also help with target hardening, this is where they come and assess your home and put up window alarms and possibly cameras at no charge to you.
You will receive lots of support and advice for keeping you safe in your home and how to stay safe when out and about. They will also liaise with the police and social workers on your behalf.
If refuge is needed to keep you safe they will support you with this, there are also child domestic support workers, they support children who have been impacted by abuse in the home.
If needed use the silent call to the police. Dial 999 to call then dial 55 the police will know you are in danger and can't talk but they will listen in and locate you.
You could also send an emoji of your choice to a family member or friend to let them know you are in danger and they need to call the police.
Try to keep your mobile charged and on you at all times.
Have a safe room in your house where you can run too if needed.

A bathroom where you can lock the door or if you can't lock a door, get a door wedge and put this under a room in house to buy you some time while you call the police.
Keep a diary of any incidents, texts, pictures etc. This helps builds up information of abuse you are experiencing and how often.
Turn off location settings on phone so you can't be traced.
Block on social media if you can.
Have a designated email address for the perpetrator if you need to have contact for children or financial information for divorce settlement etc. You can then read these and reply only when you are ready.
Change your routes for the school run and stay on public paths, be visible. Pick up times at school can be changed, teachers will work with you on this.
Inform neighbours of your situation if you can, they will look out for you.
Never feel you are wasting police time, it may save your life.

Hope I have helped.

@Firsttimemother2022 this is very worrying.

I urge you to call 101 tonight and report. He is escalating his behaviour and finding him in your room is very concerning and high risk.

Please please ring 101. You won’t be judged for not reporting earlier. In domestic abuse cases fear often means victims don’t report immediately. However it does need reporting. Without scaring you this type of behaviour on is the homicide timeline (J Monckton Smith) shows the next step by him could be further escalation.

It may be that fleeing needs to be considered. Get professional help with your safety planning.

Please also Pre register your phone for 999 text in case you ever can’t call.

https://www.relayuk.bt.com/how-to-use-relay-uk/contact-999-using-relay-uk.html?s_cid=relay_furls_emergencysms