Is there any coming back from partner calling me a fat c***?

[Worrisome54]

Around a month ago partner (9 years together, 1 young DC) repeatedly called me a “fat c*” when he was drunk after I had complained about how loud he was being (putting music on, early hours of morning, DC was at grandmas). I’ve struggled with my weight for a while but especially after having DC who is 1. Partner has apologised many times since but I can’t forgot.

I feel embarrassed that I’ve accepted/taken this and feel I’ve lost my dignity somehow. I’ve not told any friends as again too embarrassed for them to know that the person who is meant to love me would say such a thing to me. I don’t want to break up the family for DCs sake but really struggling to move past this mentally. Wwyd?

OP, you know.

He called you 'fat'. Even if you are fat, you don't expect your partner to use that to insult you. Ever.

He called you a 'cunt'. He was trying to be really insulting. Not only are you a woman's private part, you're a fat one. It's not that 'cunt' in itself is offensive (to me, anyway), it's his intention in using that word that is so hurtful.

You don't have to 'come back' or 'find a way back' from this. The man in your life has no respect for you whatsoever. Alcohol is no excuse - it only frees him up to say what he really means.

So, start marshalling those ducks...

You mention not wanting to leave for the child's sake...but would you want her to grow up thinking it's OK to be spoken to like that?

Better she has a single, confident mother who takes no shit as a role model. Than grows up in a home where her mother is insulted, downtrodden and miserable.

Also, side note... she's young enough that leaving now shouldn't cause too much strife. Good thing you found out what he is like now rather than a year or two down the line really. As much as it sucks.

Also, there's no shame in having taken time to process something. Especially something so shocking.

'I've sat with it and I'm afraid there's just no coming back from what you said that night. There's no excusing it and for me, there's no making up for it either. So it's time to call it a day. I hope we can remain cordial for our child's sake but the relationship is over'.

Make sure you've consulted a solicitor first if you share assets though. Get your ducks in a row first. Maybe put your important documents like your passport and kids passport somewhere safe first. Eg: leave them with family. If you gave a joint bank account, make sure you move your share of the money to your own account ect... so he can't spitefully empty it. And get proof of his earnings to show for child support.

I feel that my husband has chipped away at all of my confidence. I have put on about a stone in the last year and he makes jokes about my weight, then says it’s just a joke. His nasty comments always come when he has been drinking. He either makes jokes at my expense or starts to get nasty.
I lost my hair a couple of years ago when I had chemotherapy, he regularly made jokes about it, but said he was just trying to lighten the situation, which was fine but it carried on too long.
He has picked fault in me numerous times during arguments - the most upsetting telling me that I should have died from cancer and “cancer missed one” with me.
My kids have heard him be nasty to me, it’s so embarrassing and it knocks my confidence with them too.

No.

If he does not think you are beautiful, what is the point…

Would you want your child spoken to like that by a future partner? Would you want them speaking to a future partner like that? If not on both counts then model what you want for them and don’t come back from this. At bare minimum I’d want him to commit to a massive reduction in drinking and some sort of anger management.

No coming back.

He's a nasty drunk and getting worse.

Your child deserves better.

Make your plans.

Don't waste your life on someone who speaks like scum.

But it's such an awful way to live. To think that he might be thinking that about you. And the fact that he might do it again. I can however see how it would be hard to leave. I was lucky that I found the strength to leave a toxic marriage. Best thing I ever did. I haven't looked back.

@

@LHJ21
You don't have to stay with him.
He has abused you at your most vulnerable.
Please talk to a trusted family member about this one and get their take on it.
How old are your kids?
So sorry and sending you a massive virtual hug.

@Gingerwarthog i want out but do not have the funds to and don’t have anywhere to go. My kids are 16, 11 and 9. They hate him being home. It all stems from when he is drinking that he gets nasty and argumentative.
I have tried telling him so many times over the years, he knows it’s an issue but he doesn’t care. He just tells me it’s my issue and if I have a problem then to leave.

Personally there is no going back for me. I've been called a cunt before by an abusive ex. At the time i brushed over it but thinking about it, my siblings and my friends are married to men who would never use that word. I want that stability in my next relationship. So yes, it would be over for me.