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Relationships

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Original poster

Is there any coming back from partner calling me a fat c***?

88 replies

Worrisome54 · 29/06/2023 22:38

Around a month ago partner (9 years together, 1 young DC) repeatedly called me a “fat c*” when he was drunk after I had complained about how loud he was being (putting music on, early hours of morning, DC was at grandmas). I’ve struggled with my weight for a while but especially after having DC who is 1. Partner has apologised many times since but I can’t forgot.

I feel embarrassed that I’ve accepted/taken this and feel I’ve lost my dignity somehow. I’ve not told any friends as again too embarrassed for them to know that the person who is meant to love me would say such a thing to me. I don’t want to break up the family for DCs sake but really struggling to move past this mentally. Wwyd?

OP posts:

NoraLuka · 30/06/2023 11:31

ExH used to speak to me like that. At first it would only be when he was angry and he’d be sorry, then it would happen more often and he wouldn’t apologise. Then I got used to it and didn’t even notice it anymore. It took me about 5 years to leave, if I had my time again I’d go the first time he said it.

You don’t have to put up with this, OP.

Peachy2005 · 30/06/2023 11:34

Unacceptable - he has a drink problem. If he won’t recognise or address that, it will all get worse.

GameOverBoys · 30/06/2023 11:37

Alcohol doesn’t change who you are. It might lower your inhibitions but it doesn’t make you say something like that.
When your child is older would you want their partner to call them a fat cunt? and if they did what would you advise them?

FlowerBath · 30/06/2023 11:38

didn't you post about this already?

PollyPeptide · 30/06/2023 11:56

5128gap · 30/06/2023 11:31

Yeah but surely there's not being perfect, like you occasionally snap at someone, are untidy, forget to take the bins out, play music too loud; and being so far from most discerning people's idea of perfect that your response to being asked to turn music down is to turn into the equivalent of an out of control tantruming child, hurling unintelligent insults about? I genuinely can't imagine how any woman would feel she needed to settle for such an unattractive and poor specimen.

Show quote history

I've been back and read what the op said in case I missed something. It happened on one night. It's not happened before or since. And he has repeatedly apologised for it.
Maybe people will see me as a doormat, but I wouldn't divorce my husband over a one off incident. And I know MN is full of strong, self-sufficient women who are confident to just gather their clothes and children and leave, but in the real world, I don't believe most women would behave like that. Because for most us, it's a big thing.
Fortunately, I'm not in that position, and I would never tell the op what she should or shouldn't do, only she knows how she feels, but if I'm realistic, I'd not break up my marriage over one incident, no.

FriedEggChocolate · 30/06/2023 12:01

You'll be 100lb lighter without him though, won't you?

Nomorescreentime · 30/06/2023 12:03

I think the problem is, if he’s got to the point of throwing those kind of insults, how is the underlying relationship doing? It’s just a one off choice of words, yes. But do you feel respected and loved the rest of the time? Do you respect him?

BeachBlondey · 30/06/2023 12:18

FriedEggChocolate · 30/06/2023 12:01

You'll be 100lb lighter without him though, won't you?

I hope Op's husband is heaver than 7 stone, otherwise there's not much of a hammer on that nail. 😂

5128gap · 30/06/2023 12:18

PollyPeptide · 30/06/2023 11:56

Show quote history

I wouldn't call any woman a doormat. Unless you're in someone's shoes you can't possibly know all the complex variables that may lead them to decide to stay in a situation others would leave. You're absolutely right, leaving is nowhere near as straightforward as it advising someone to do do so from the comfort of your keyboard!
I think for me, it's less about saying LTB immediately, and more about discouraging a woman who has been treated very badly by a man who has significant failings by many peoples standards, from minimising his behaviour, because its harder in the short term to leave than stay.
Its one incident so far. But the odds are that it won't end up being the last. He's shown he's capable of abuse. It's triggered by drinking. Unless I've missed it, there's no suggestion of him stopping drinking.
While I agree with you that few women would really end their marriage the first time, there's a great many of us who wish we had and spared ourselves the repeats.
If the OP takes only from this thread that she's not unreasonable to consider it a deal breaking act, and that that there may come a time when she will leave, then she will at least be able to prepare.

CanCancanbefun · 30/06/2023 12:19

I would only stick with him if he was so remorseful he stopped drinking completely.

EllaRaines · 30/06/2023 12:20

Alcohol lowers inhibitions.

When he's sober he thinks you're a fat cunt. When he's had alcohol he says it out aloud.

I feel for you but he has developed a low opinion of you and that's unlikely to change.

BeachBlondey · 30/06/2023 12:21

CanCancanbefun · 30/06/2023 12:19

I would only stick with him if he was so remorseful he stopped drinking completely.

In the real world, that is 99% unlikely.

NeverThatSerious · 30/06/2023 12:23

There’d be no coming back from that for me. Not just because of how absolutely vile his language was to you and the fact he purposely picked on something he already knows you’re self conscious about, thus knowingly maximising the pain caused to you, but also because he clearly drinks too much and is then obnoxious with it, and that he doesn’t see any need to cut down on his alcohol intake. He clearly doesn’t feel very bad at all about the way he treats you. The relationship would be over for me.

QuietDragon · 30/06/2023 12:36

Dinoswearunderpants · 30/06/2023 10:58

Exactly the same! I've said I want to stab my partner when he's pissed me off when drunk. You say awful things sometimes but if the relationship is generally fine, then you get over it.

Show quote history

I mean, if you and your partner have a history of drunken abusive rows and you're both cool with it, then crack on!

But for most people being called a 'fat c*' by their husband would be a step too far. They weren't even having a two-way argument! I couldn't even imagine DH speaking to me like that.

Ceci03 · 30/06/2023 12:49

The thing to remember OP is that when partners or anyone really show us who they are we need to believe what we see and not minimize or excuse it. He is showing you his true colours. It's up to you whether to accept them or not.

My dd has really helped me with this. I tho k with family it's slightly different. We have to forgive and accept if we want them in our lives. But for partners, no. He has shown you who he is can you live with that.

I remember the last holiday with ex dh before we split. We were in Menorca and trying to get on and patch things up. During an argument he said I was the fattest cunt on the island. He never apologized. When I said it upset me he said it was true and he was trying to motivate me. We struggled on for a few months but I couldn't get over it and it was one of the things that prompted me to leave him. Don't think he ever got it tho. Thing is he had been showing me who he really was for some years but I always excused it in some way. This opened my eyes really. There wasn't any getting over it.

It's your call at the end of the day. But listen to your gut.

Ihadenough22 · 30/06/2023 13:11

I have always felt that drinking can bring out a person's true nature and lets them say what they really feel.

You have asked him to stop/ cut down on his drinking which he refuses to do so. So he comes in drunk and got annoyed when you told him to behave. He then said that to you.

He is showing you his true colours now.

It's not fair on you or your child to stay with an abusive drunk. I have seen people who are heavy drinkers and in time their families suffer the fall out.

My advice to you is that you make a plan, get your ducks in a row, save a bit of money and speak to a solicitor about a divorce.

Kingfishersperch · 30/06/2023 15:52

Fat is used deliberately by men to make women feel shit about themselves. It may be to get you to shut up, or to make himself feel better. It certainly tells you more about him than you.

When I was in my early 20’s, 8 and a half stone at 5 foot 6, my then boyfriend regularly used fat as an insult. He was an odious creature who I finally managed to escape. His behaviour got worse over time.

I am guessing your partner has displayed crap behaviour before.

If he is truely remorseful he will stop drinking. if alcohol caused me to call my friend/boss/husband/child a fat cunt and I really didn’t mean it I’d stop drinking alcohol. As I Would recognise I could not control myself when drinking.

Callyem · 30/06/2023 22:32

Awful man. It will happen again.

Geppili · 01/07/2023 00:44

Awful role model for your DC. He has an alcohol problem. Get rid of him and thrive! I bet you would lose weight without him negging you all the time. Also, I bet you are gorgeous.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 01/07/2023 01:21

Honestly, how can you even bear to be in the same room as him after that?

Don't stay together for the kids sake, they'll be far happier with two happy single parents than with two parents who can't stand the sight of each other.

The correct number of insults in a relationship is 0. It's not even hard to do. Ditch him.

BlastedPimples · 01/07/2023 06:31

This happened to me in 2019.

By autumn 2022, he'd physically assaulted me.

It progresses and never ever for the better.

Please get him out of your life. It's a safety issue.

Channellingsophistication · 01/07/2023 06:38

Its disgraceful to call you that and I think this is just the start of it….

He has a drink problem which will only get worse. You would be better off cutting your losses now.

BlastedPimples · 01/07/2023 08:45

And does it happen only when he is drunk? I mean, that isn't any excuse but is he abusive when sober?

johnd2 · 01/07/2023 10:07

When he attacks you verbally like that he is telling you something about himself, not about you
You emotional response tells you something about yourself
If you avoid mixing the two up, it can be easier to understand the situation.
Also you can understand each others contributions and have a productive conversation potentially about how or whether to move forward.
Good luck

Lill1e · 01/07/2023 12:02

My exh called me a c**t a couple of times and a psycho when having arguments, among other things. Told me once when drunk he had no interest in me. Stupidly I stayed for another 13 years, had another child but eventually found the courage to leave. I'd never ever let anyone speak to me like that again. You may let this one slide but you will eventually go when you are a shell of yourself and cannot take anymore disrespect xx

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