Is there any coming back from partner calling me a fat c***?

[Worrisome54]

Around a month ago partner (9 years together, 1 young DC) repeatedly called me a “fat c*” when he was drunk after I had complained about how loud he was being (putting music on, early hours of morning, DC was at grandmas). I’ve struggled with my weight for a while but especially after having DC who is 1. Partner has apologised many times since but I can’t forgot.

I feel embarrassed that I’ve accepted/taken this and feel I’ve lost my dignity somehow. I’ve not told any friends as again too embarrassed for them to know that the person who is meant to love me would say such a thing to me. I don’t want to break up the family for DCs sake but really struggling to move past this mentally. Wwyd?

If the father of my child said that I was cunt - that would be the end for me.

OP. Where do you see the left level of how bad he will treat you?

I spent 15 years with someone who didn’t ‘quite’ strangle/ kill me nor threaten me (enough) but said similar. I am still here, with a very healthy/ emotionally intelligent son at the age of 32, who thanks me for getting away.
It can and does work.

There would be no coming back from that insult for me, I would lose all respect and trust and it would be the end of the relationship.
Being drunk is no excuse, being in an argument is no excuse.
Have more respect for yourself, set your bar higher, set a good example for your child as to what is acceptable.
You can do so much better than him and you deserve so much better.

The problem isn’t the words. The problem is he is a drinker and is disrespectful (being loud when you are trying to sleep) and nasty when he drunk. The only way I’d get past this is if he stopped drinking (and I genuinely believed he would stop for good).

I would find it very hard to come back from that as well. I think - at the very least - you need some time and space to think.

I’m sorry I think, like most others, the words are absolutely a problem. As well as the drinking, it’s not one problem or the other.

op, I’m sorry the reality is that’s what he thinks of you. For me there would be no coming back as every time I looked at him I’d know that’s how he viewed me.

Tell him he's a drunk prick.

The trouble is OP that once someone has shown you their true colours, as your partner has here, you can’t come back from it because that is who they are. You can chose to ignore it if you want to, but it won’t change. I’m speaking from experience here as someone who did ignore it until it was far too late. I would strongly urge you to think carefully about what is best for you and your child. I hope you are OK.

I loathe the c word. I never use and wouldn't tolerate being called it. But I wouldn't leave my husband if he said it to me once and apologised. That's a huge step to take.
However, if he repeatedly abused me, I would go. Because that would show me he didn't respect me and I wouldn't want to remain married to someone who had no respect for me.

@Worrisome54 i've been married a long time. During our worst arguments we've called each other a d1ck, arsehole and similar but NEVER anything worse not even in the heat of the moment.

We don't do this because there is an invisible line between loved ones you just don't cross. If you do, you can't go back.

A loving, respectful partner understands that and even if they are thinking nasty things they hold their thoughts because end of the day, they love you and know it is wrong to be abusive.

Your reaction is absolutely right. You know he crossed that line. Now he has, it's only a matter of time before he does it again because you've shown him he can without consequence.

In your shoes, i'd have a serious discussion on abuse and that you are not going to tolerate it. One more instance and he has to go.

I couldn't come back from that either but for me it would be the cunt part, anyone who called me that in anger or when drunk would only do it the once

This is one of those moments when someone pushes the boundaries of what is acceptable. If you stay, guarantee it will happen again, then it will be followed by something else to push your boundaries further.

That's why you feel that loss of dignity/ embarrassment. It's your subconscious telling you not to accept this and you are fighting against it.

You know, I'm not sure there is. Short story on my XH and similar. Not drunk, just laid in bed (maybe the alcohol doesn't excuse it, but is a reason in your case iuswim). Pretending to be sleeptalking. Muttering 'fat bitch' repeatedly, then denied any knowledge. It was part of a pattern of abusive behaviour which escalated.
Anyhoo, we are now divorced. That was the thin end of the wedge.

The fat bitch lost weight over time, got a new husband. XH remarried in indecent haste to a woman larger than I ever was. I feel sorry for her. Nice women, who was taken in by his surface charm, and just out of an abusive marriage herself. Ripe for the picking.

XH not happy, spends time with adult DD waxing lyrical about things we all used to do together over 20 yr marriage. Texting me on flimsy pretexts. Suspect would be back like a shot, but that ship sailed many years ago.

Anyhoo, wittering on abusive patterns. You too may well be happier away from his abusive ways. You can lose weight, if you wanted. He sounds like he will always been an arsehole. He won't adress the drink issue, and that is very telling.

I’m sorry but calling you a fat cunt is the epitome of showing someone you disrespect them.

Me and DH have called each other terrible things when drunk - easily as bad as this. We can sometimes be absolute arseholes when we're drunk. We always apologise and make up the next day. No way would either of us consider divorce over it. We just accept, that sometimes are are knobheads when we have too much to drink. We always forgive and forget. We love each other dearly and have a good relationship 95% of the time.

I just hate the 'C' word and would find it difficult to forgive - depends how good your relationship is normally I suppose.

I am surprised at just how common a word it has become on MN although I never hear or see it anywhere else.

I would never speak to someone like that, sober or drunk, but in the event that I did, I would be too mortified with myself to continue with my drinking habits.

This suggests he either isn't that remorseful, or he's developing a dependency on alcohol, or both.

Either way, no, I couldn't come back from that. Due to past bad experiences, I have a zero tolerance policy on verbal abuse.

Jesus I can't believe people are saying to leave over something trivial.

Is this the only outburst that's happened? If on the whole, your relationship is fine then why through it away for a nasty drunk comment?

People don't see things through any more.

Relationships are about respect but equally you sometimes say stupid things, especially when drunk.

Go with your gut feeling. You’re right, it is undignified. it isn’t normal. it’s abuse.

If my husband did this to me it would change my opinion of him and the marriage permanently too.

Exactly the same! I've said I want to stab my partner when he's pissed me off when drunk. You say awful things sometimes but if the relationship is generally fine, then you get over it.

Indeed I'd be very cross. But if he apologised and it was out of the ordinary, I wouldn't end my marriage over it. That's a huge step to take. It's easy to tell someone to leave or say I'd leave, but in reality it's absolutely massive for oneself and the children. Everything takes a hit. So, yeah, I know I'm not perfect and haven't always done everything right, so I'd give him a second chance of course.

I don’t understand why people say they don’t want to be break up with someone for DC sake when it’s precisely for their sake that you should leave someone who is abusive and disrespectful.

othrwise what are you teaching them? To accept a shit partner, no love or respect, an unhappy life and how does that help them growing up?

I think children can be translated in many instances to I don’t want to do it alone, or I am financially reliant on him, or I am scared to be single. But it’s easier to say I’d take being repeatedly called s fat cunt for my kids, than to say I’d take it because I don’t want to or can’t go it alone.

Please try to stop seeing the fat part as the worst of this. Substitute fat for any other word you choose, stupid, annoying, nagging, whatever and what are you left with? A husband who can't handle his drink, and who insults and verbally abuses you. Carrying that through life is infinitely more serious than carrying a view extra pounds, so don't be distracted and let your feeling alight on your weight. Be upset because your husband is awful, not because you're currently a little heavier than you'd like.
And no, I'd not get past that. I couldn't care less if other people thought I should because this sort of thing is normal to them. Its not to me and it doesn't have to be for you.

I don’t know that I’d actually march down to a solicitor the next morning but this kind of thing might be the beginning of the end for me. I dumped a boyfriend over this immediately in the past. I am absolutely not the woman you come home to pissed and beat/verbally abuse. Find someone else to tolerate that shit. OP you are totally right to not “get over it” if that’s how you feel.

Yeah but surely there's not being perfect, like you occasionally snap at someone, are untidy, forget to take the bins out, play music too loud; and being so far from most discerning people's idea of perfect that your response to being asked to turn music down is to turn into the equivalent of an out of control tantruming child, hurling unintelligent insults about? I genuinely can't imagine how any woman would feel she needed to settle for such an unattractive and poor specimen.