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Original poster

Can you ever know for sure that you 'love' someone?

55 replies

James637 · 28/06/2023 17:30

Deep question...

But I often struggle with this...

How do you know for sure that you love someone? Be it, a parent, child, partner, wife etc...

How can one know 100% that what they feel is love, baring in mind that 'love' has no standard definition, and you can't possibly know what other people feel.

If you say yes you feel love, how can anyone know that the 'love' they feel which is subjective in the first place, is the same feeling and intensity as what other people feel.

OP posts:
JayAlfredPrufrock · 28/06/2023 17:33

No idea. I’m sure it’s different for everyone. I know I’d give up my life for my DD.

cuckyplunt · 28/06/2023 17:33

I know my own love, don’t really need to understand anyone else’s, just as I have no idea how anyone one else sees the colour yellow. There are people I know I will love forever; DH, my Mum, my Dad, who is dead, my friend Joe, my children.

EmmaEmerald · 28/06/2023 17:35

If you mean in a relationship, I don't know

I do know I love my mum and best friend.

Original poster
James637 · 28/06/2023 17:42

cuckyplunt · 28/06/2023 17:33

I know my own love, don’t really need to understand anyone else’s, just as I have no idea how anyone one else sees the colour yellow. There are people I know I will love forever; DH, my Mum, my Dad, who is dead, my friend Joe, my children.

So just playing devils advocate….. how can you know what you feel is ‘love’ by the standard definition? Maybe you just like them strongly?

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 17:45

You want good things for them even if you gain nothing out of it. You wish them well when noone's around.

TwoManyKids · 28/06/2023 17:45

I look at my children and they both sooth my soul and make me feel invincible. I think that's love

EmmaEmerald · 28/06/2023 17:47

cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 17:45

You want good things for them even if you gain nothing out of it. You wish them well when noone's around.

But we wish most people well, surely. Not all, but most 😂

cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 17:49

EmmaEmerald · 28/06/2023 17:47

But we wish most people well, surely. Not all, but most 😂

Show quote history

But then what makes your loved one so special if you wish/like most people?

Blingb · 28/06/2023 17:50

Mothers are head-over-heels beyond-all-reason insane about their own children, and so am I. Let's call it "love". I definitely recognise it in other mothers. It's a behaviour pattern rather than a feeling, to me. Other mothers may experience it differently, so I think of it as a category to which I belong rather than an identical experience.

EmmaEmerald · 28/06/2023 17:51

cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 17:49

But then what makes your loved one so special if you wish/like most people?

Show quote history

That's my point
sorry I wasn't clear
wishing people well doesn't mean you love them.

cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 17:55

EmmaEmerald · 28/06/2023 17:51

That's my point
sorry I wasn't clear
wishing people well doesn't mean you love them.

Show quote history

Love is a chemical reaction/bond when two people spend enjoyable time together. You might love your dog and grieve if it passes whilst wouldn't necessarily feel the same for your neighbour's pet you see frequently.

80s · 28/06/2023 17:55

how can anyone know that the 'love' they feel which is subjective in the first place, is the same feeling and intensity as what other people feel.
I have no idea what other people feel. Whether or not other people have exactly the same inner life as me interests me mildly, but ultimately it makes no difference to me.
Some people don't "see" any pictures in their heads, some people have photo-real images, apparently. And?

Original poster
James637 · 28/06/2023 17:56

So if I think of my parents… there’s a feeling of ‘being used to them being around’ and fear and anxiety when I think of them dying. I like spending time with them and feel a connection more so with my mother. They are almost like friends and just really familiar people in my life.

Does this count as ‘loving them’?

OP posts:
80s · 28/06/2023 17:58

Are you worried you're weird, or what's the issue? :)

cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 17:59

James637 · 28/06/2023 17:56

So if I think of my parents… there’s a feeling of ‘being used to them being around’ and fear and anxiety when I think of them dying. I like spending time with them and feel a connection more so with my mother. They are almost like friends and just really familiar people in my life.

Does this count as ‘loving them’?

Yes. Not romantic love obviously, love for your parents. You don't want to snog your best friend but it doesn't mean you don't love him in a Platonic way.

Blingb · 28/06/2023 17:59

James637 · 28/06/2023 17:56

So if I think of my parents… there’s a feeling of ‘being used to them being around’ and fear and anxiety when I think of them dying. I like spending time with them and feel a connection more so with my mother. They are almost like friends and just really familiar people in my life.

Does this count as ‘loving them’?

I'd say yes.

StrawberryRainbows · 28/06/2023 18:02

I would say there are different types of love that we feel for different people. The love you feel for a Parent, the love you feel for a partner and then a child and a best friend. They all touch our lives in different ways which brings forth the feelings of love. Also feelings of Non Romantic love. Loving someone as a friend and happy in their company, but the feeling of Romance is not present

Original poster
James637 · 28/06/2023 18:03

80s · 28/06/2023 17:58

Are you worried you're weird, or what's the issue? :)

I just always wonder whether I feel the same as other people do when they say they love their parents. It seems more like a friendship than something more powerful as love. And you can’t know for sure how you would feel until someone bad happens to them etc and whether those feelings are more just about losing them yourself and not as concerned about them as people

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 28/06/2023 18:04

My oh and I say if you have to wonder then you are not in love.

weegiemum · 28/06/2023 18:06

I think as long as you feel and define it as love, then it is. I love my husband, my 3 adult dc (even though one of them is being horribly awkward right now, I love her anyway), my parents, in a lesser way my siblings, nephews and nieces. I think as long as I am convinced it is love, then it is. I'd give my life for those I love the most.

cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 18:07

@Doggymummar They also say if a man gives you mixed messages, he's not keen

StrawberryRainbows · 28/06/2023 18:08

@Doggymummar I agree with this. If you have to wonder OP, it probably isn't love and more familiarity

BreviloquentBastard · 28/06/2023 18:09

I don't know or care particularly how anyone else feels love, I don't think there is a standard definition of it.

I know I love my parents, my brothers and sisters, my family. I know I love my daughter. I know I love my husband. I even love my dogs and cats. All different kinds of love that feel different, but all real and definitely love, by my own definition of it. Whether another person feels love the way I do doesn't make my feelings any more or less real. It's a very personal thing.

80s · 28/06/2023 18:09

Do you have trouble working out other emotions; do you suffer from depression (now or sometimes), or could you be autistic? I also lack confidence in my feelings at times and it's probably something along those lines - alexithymia - or just anxiety fogging things up. But I know that if, for instance, I got a phone call saying someone had died, I'd be devastated. If you are guiltily thinking that even if you were sad in that situation, it might be for selfish reasons, then that part sounds a lot like anxiety.

Watchkeys · 28/06/2023 18:10

There isn't a standard definition. The assumption is that it's different for everyone, and that, if we are close, it's because we understand the other person well enough to understand what it means when they say that they love us.

Keep in mind that you don't need the word at all, it's just a communication tool. It can also be conveyed in a million other, often more meaningful, ways. My partner only has to look at me sometimes, and that expression tells me everything I need and want to know. A squeeze of the hand, a thoughtful gift, the keenness to spend time together, the shared laughter, the depth of conversation and communication... love is as we define it, not as it is defined.