Can you ever know for sure that you 'love' someone?

[James637]

Deep question...

But I often struggle with this...

How do you know for sure that you love someone? Be it, a parent, child, partner, wife etc...

How can one know 100% that what they feel is love, baring in mind that 'love' has no standard definition, and you can't possibly know what other people feel.

If you say yes you feel love, how can anyone know that the 'love' they feel which is subjective in the first place, is the same feeling and intensity as what other people feel.

Judging love for parents is like a fish judging water - you can't because you can't compare.

My parents died when I was quite young, and the world without them came as a big shock. It's OK to take your parents for granted, I think. That's part of the nature of it. I talk to my kids about their grandparents and I do stuff with them that my mum did with me, so it goes over generations.

In other words, "If you have to wonder, it probably isn't love" doesn't apply in every situation. Some people find it hard to work out what's going on in their heart at all. If your parents treated you poorly or you grew up without them, then you might not love them, of course, but if you're questioning all your feelings and your parents are nice then it sounds like something else is going on.

Yes of course you know that you feel love. But love may be different for everyone and the love that you feel for the various people in your life (be that child, partner, parents, friends) is almost certainly different.

Someone else will feel love more strongly than you and your love will probably go through seasons, sometimes it will get stronger, sometimes weaker, sometimes it will end; but you know that you feel that.

I always think there's different types of love and different levels of love...

Ah but in love and loving someone aren't necessarily the same thing

I've thought I've 'loved' people before then realised I didn't love them at all.

I love my DH and my children. And defo my pets. Not sure about much else.

I don't understand that either, if it's a partner or something.

Yes! I have pretty bad anxiety!

Someone once said to me ...

If a train was coming down the track and the track split in two - one route would cause your loved one to die, the other would cause 100 strangers to die. You can control which route the train takes - which do you choose?

For me, there could be millions of people on the other track, but I would still choose to save my children. That's love.

Love is such a subjective term and like a pp put it, as difficult to describe as a colour. I'd lay my life down for my parents, my husband and my cats but that doesn't mean I don't love my other family or friends.

It's morbid, I apologise, but it's the clearest vision I have heard of what unconditional, and in my case, parental love is.

You've got me thinking now.

I have pretty bad anxiety!
You might just be torturing yourself 🤷‍♀️could be worth asking your doctor.

What is love anyway? It's a subjective feeling. If you say you love someone or love something then you do. There is no criteria to say if you love something or not.

It's an emotion, like being happy or sad.

I agree with this. I think what parents (and I’ll say it, especially mothers though not always) feel for their children is beyond love, but there’s no word than can encompass it. It is such a primal, protective, all consuming feeling. It’s like you’ve taken a vital part of yourself and let it grow and become its own being but the connection to your own existence is never ceased. A parents love for a child cannot be replicated, not even in the way a child loves their parents back in my mind. That’s not me saying ‘you don’t know love if you haven’t had a child’, because that’s absolutely not true. It’s something different and unique as all loving relationships are.

As for other relationships, I’m not sure from my personal experience. I loved my mother but that eventually just became forced respect to numbness. The inevitability of child neglect/abuse. I thought I was in love with my only longterm partner, but I think it was contentment that eventually soured when things became difficult. When life was easier it felt like love but I think I just simply felt safe for the first time in my life. I’ve certainly never had some sweeping romantic love, butterflies and love sickness. Just a desperate grab to be loved unconditionally which is simply unrealistic.

I know when I love someone. I don't care if it is the same for other people, I just know how it is for me.

I’ve been on anti depressants for years due to the anxiety but I dunno, I just feel like I don’t feel love in the way other people do but there’s also no way to know!!

Anti-depressants can also muddy the water a bit. It's certainly worth mentioning as a symptom, though - the doctor could suggest looking into autism, for instance, or change your medication.

Like I say, I've had the same feeling myself. But it comes and goes. I'm now with a partner who's extremely considerate, and my life circumstances are different, so my anxiety is lower and I'm able to feel my feelings better. You might find the same thing happens with you.
In any case, even if you do always feel things differently, then that's how it is; it's not something you can blame yourself for, and it doesn't stop you from being loving to your parents or anyone else. Focusing on your blind spot won't help anyone. Try looking up some gratitude exercises and doing those instead.

Why do you think you should feel love the way others do? Why don't you think everyone is feeling something different, and so your feelings would be equally as valid?

Questioning your feelings in this way is what causes anxiety, by the way. You don't trust your feelings, and your feelings are a manifestation of who you are. If you don't trust yourself, your actual own self, the expressions of your nature, then how will you know when to run, when to worry, when to feel fear etc? And if you're not 100% sure of those feelings when you feel them, how can you be sure you'll have your own back?

Anxiety is the feeling that nobody has got your back, and so you might get overwhelmed by anything and everything, at any moment. Start having your own back: you feel love the way you feel love, and that's fine. It's real, genuine, true, it's the right size and shape, so go ahead and respond to it in whatever way comes naturally to you.

Thanks for your reply.
Are you on anti depressants yourself?

I don’t think I have autism, as I don’t show any other signs.

I guess I just feel ‘wishy washy’ sometimes when I start thinking about how I feel about certain people. It’s sort of there, but it’s not.

As someone who’s single and has struggled with relationships and is now 34 and feels he’s running out of time to sort all this and possibly then have kids, it’s scary! I feel in a rush to try and sort my emotions and find someone that I don’t feel ‘mehhhh’ about, which is hard considering I feel this way about everyone.

Thank you for this 🙏🙏🙏

If you're not sure, you don't.

I have been on anti-depressants before but not currently.
At 34 there's not a big rush for a man, if you fancy a family. My bf adopted a baby daughter at 45. I met him 6 years ago and am now his longest relationship :D We don't live together and are enjoying our relationship. As Watchkeys says, your way of life is equally valid. You don't have to stick to a set pattern. My brother is 41, no kids, no house, alternative lifestyle, the odd girlfriend over the years and he seems to have found a real goal in life over the past 5 years maybe. He's a lovely guy. If you must have a role model, he'd make a great one :)

find someone that I don’t feel ‘mehhhh’ about
I met the best guy for me so far (not my husband of 20 years as it turned out) when I was 48, him 52. I had no idea what to make of him when we met but he seemed quite fun. Then I gradually realised that he is also really kind and thoughtful, and good at expressing it, and that we think in a similar way about a lot of things. Still took me 3 years to work out I fancied sticking around with him for a while.

Who knows what will happen to you. Maybe you'll marry and have kids at 40 then divorce at 45 and be a single parent. Maybe you won't marry or have kids but meet someone you really chime with at 60 and have 30 great years with them. Maybe you won't ever have a deep love affair but you'll be a great football coach/uncle/friend.

Yeah maybe. I guess it’s tricky just because where I live is very much 2 children, 1 dog etc stereotypical suburban life so when you see everyone around you settling down it’s hard.

Out of interest what is your brothers real goal?

I agree with what you say but I feel like not having children when you are older would leave a gap in your life. I would also feel weird compared to others. What scares me
is the fact that my emotions are so ‘wishy washy’ as I call them that I can’t imagine feeling strong love for a SO and kids and the guilt that would come from being in that situation would make me suicidal :/

He grows and sells heirloom vegetables and has got very keen on preserving old varieties, sustainable, old-fashioned growing methods and so on.

Have you had any therapy for your fear of exclusion? Do you know where it comes from?
Are there any "weird" groups you could join locally - trainspotting, improv theatre, naked rambling, the odder the better? :) Embrace it, make it your "thing", and surround yourself with people who are not 2 children 1 dog.
Maybe move to the city where there's a more diverse mix of people.
You'll also find that as you grow older, there will be more singles around you again! And less nuclear mixes: patchwork families, people who don't live together. You're at peak nuclear family time now.

There's nothing especially weird about not having children, in any case. Do you not know anyone who's stayed childless? Apart from my brother I can think of maybe five or six other childless singles/couples I know, off the top of my head. Two even in suburbia!

And remember that you will not be the same in five or ten years' time as you are now. Don't fall prey to the "end of history illusion".