DP and I are together 7 dramatic years. I say dramatic as they universe threw a lot at us; bereavements (both), critical illness (me), repeated job loss and mental breakdown (him), familial turbulence (him), loss of identity post illness (me).
We really weren't established properly before all the drama started and really it's never been problem free. We were living together with a baby on the way very prematurely.
Despite that we are I thought both very committed. We have been in therapy and working hard. Our counselor always commends is on the work we do. She also always stresses to me that while she understands he has many struggles how much he absolutely loves me.
One major issue is he has no other functioning relationships; his family are all estranged and he never forms or maintains friendships. Of course that's all fine, we are all different except it feels like enormous pressure on us that he has nobody else to talk to or get another perspective.
Sex has never been great and has always been a source of angst as I had an adventurous and high drive when we met. He's selfish and despite all my efforts to mix things up, it never really improved. Then I got sick, my libido died, sex was very painful and became a source of huge stress. Our therapist suggested we take intercourse off the table entirely and instead try to develop genuine intimacy which she said was missing.
While he doesn't have a friend he could message for a drink or a chat, he always has lots of hobby people to meet up with which I actively encourage. He messages into group chat a bit but prefers to listen to podcasts. He never phones anyone for a chat or messages 1 on 1. I have opposite sex friendships which I make no secret of. I did notice recently he was getting quite irate if he wasn't getting to one of his hobbies enough. It set alarm bells off but quite mildly. As we are being very open in therapy I asked him if anyone was holding his interest. He said absolutely not.
It really felt like we are actually starting to get somewhere real in therapy.
Earlier today he went out but our child was playing with his phone. The app stopped working so I took it. WhatsApp was open. A female name I didn't know was at the top. I clicked and discovered messages over and back all year. He clearly meets up with her regularly. Their messages contain nothing explicit but definitely flirty. They remind me exactly of how he messaged me in our early dating days. There are messages at midnight and first thing in the morning. One morning they were meeting and I specifically remember how he pushed me away the night before after saying he had to get up early in the morning.
He came back from his walk and I said your WhatsApp was open. He immediately began saying he was sorry, it's just flirty talk, he knows he crossed a line but nothing physical happened.
This could be true but two of the messages look like innuendos that suggest something has. I don't know her though and if that's just how she talks.
He messaged her in front of me saying I saw the messages and was upset. She responded why straightaway then said sorry, English is not her first language and she has been in trouble before for upsetting people and will talk to me if necessary.
He keeps saying sorry, it was flirty banter and he loves me.
I keep thinking if nothing happens it seems stupid to make it more (it doesn't seem to have meant anything to her) but on the other hand we were already falling apart and what's the point of going to therapy and omitting information.
Thoughts?