It turns out he DOES a friend; a female, goodlooking one at that

[Hehasasecretfriend]

DP and I are together 7 dramatic years. I say dramatic as they universe threw a lot at us; bereavements (both), critical illness (me), repeated job loss and mental breakdown (him), familial turbulence (him), loss of identity post illness (me).

We really weren't established properly before all the drama started and really it's never been problem free. We were living together with a baby on the way very prematurely.

Despite that we are I thought both very committed. We have been in therapy and working hard. Our counselor always commends is on the work we do. She also always stresses to me that while she understands he has many struggles how much he absolutely loves me.

One major issue is he has no other functioning relationships; his family are all estranged and he never forms or maintains friendships. Of course that's all fine, we are all different except it feels like enormous pressure on us that he has nobody else to talk to or get another perspective.

Sex has never been great and has always been a source of angst as I had an adventurous and high drive when we met. He's selfish and despite all my efforts to mix things up, it never really improved. Then I got sick, my libido died, sex was very painful and became a source of huge stress. Our therapist suggested we take intercourse off the table entirely and instead try to develop genuine intimacy which she said was missing.

While he doesn't have a friend he could message for a drink or a chat, he always has lots of hobby people to meet up with which I actively encourage. He messages into group chat a bit but prefers to listen to podcasts. He never phones anyone for a chat or messages 1 on 1. I have opposite sex friendships which I make no secret of. I did notice recently he was getting quite irate if he wasn't getting to one of his hobbies enough. It set alarm bells off but quite mildly. As we are being very open in therapy I asked him if anyone was holding his interest. He said absolutely not.

It really felt like we are actually starting to get somewhere real in therapy.

Earlier today he went out but our child was playing with his phone. The app stopped working so I took it. WhatsApp was open. A female name I didn't know was at the top. I clicked and discovered messages over and back all year. He clearly meets up with her regularly. Their messages contain nothing explicit but definitely flirty. They remind me exactly of how he messaged me in our early dating days. There are messages at midnight and first thing in the morning. One morning they were meeting and I specifically remember how he pushed me away the night before after saying he had to get up early in the morning.

He came back from his walk and I said your WhatsApp was open. He immediately began saying he was sorry, it's just flirty talk, he knows he crossed a line but nothing physical happened.

This could be true but two of the messages look like innuendos that suggest something has. I don't know her though and if that's just how she talks.

He messaged her in front of me saying I saw the messages and was upset. She responded why straightaway then said sorry, English is not her first language and she has been in trouble before for upsetting people and will talk to me if necessary.

He keeps saying sorry, it was flirty banter and he loves me.

I keep thinking if nothing happens it seems stupid to make it more (it doesn't seem to have meant anything to her) but on the other hand we were already falling apart and what's the point of going to therapy and omitting information.

Thoughts?

Yes don't feel bad you did better than I would have id of gone nuts at her big time

She'll need her "fix" from some other poor woman's man next

It sounds like she's already got more than one texting buddy, but she's not the one tearing her (or OP's) relationship apart.

@GoodChat it seems she gets off on it , makes her feel good to get attention she really is disgusting

Oh sweetie! I’m so sorry! That sounds shit!

You did nothing wrong. Your completely within your right to blow your fuse and I’m really proud of you for sticking up for yourself and not letting this idiot woman gaslight you.

My theory is that she wants to enjoy their flirting without you kicking off and their sports club / her husband finding out and ruining her ‘perfect’ life.

Just take it as a lesson. She’s an arsehole. He’s an arsehole. No more meeting up. No more discussions. Try to be kind to yourself, seek support and focus on yourself and your child.

If DH mentions it or is apologetic, tell him to apologise to HER husband too.

It's quite telling that she knows exactly what is going on between you and your husband. He's still running to her and sharing details of your private relationship.

this seems to have blown up … a bit if meaningless flirting over a four month period and boom, things get dramatic, the woman gets it in the neck, your DH has to leave and you’re in the pits of despair.

Would you accept 'meaningless flirting' and late night texts from your partner, while you're in therapy trying to work things out?

Don't get sidetracked into investing mental energy into this woman. Her behaviour, motivation...all irrelevant and will be a (comfortable) diversion from focusing on what really needs to be faced.
Your relationship is in a very poor state. Its meeting few if any of your needs and your husband is clearly not committed to change as he is instead investing his energy in a second relationship.
There comes a point when upsetting as it is, you have to decide how much more you're going to invest in something that had proved over and over that its not right for either of you. I'd be working with your therapist alone with the aim of moving on and freeing yourself from the wrong situation to give yourself opportunity to find a better one.

I'm not bothered about her, her motives, marriage or anything else.

I'm in a terrible state. I want him gone so badly. I feel desperate. I've offered to pay for a hotel for two nights with the company card. He won't go, keeps saying he did nothing wrong beyond some messages which he has apologised for. He is now accusing me of having an affair and acting exactly as he did in the past which was why I insisted on therapy.

People here say end the relationship or throw him out like it's easy. He won't leave! When we started in therapy I said I didn't know if my goal was to navigate a breakup or to try to get us to a good place (for the first time probably). For about ten months beforehand I had been trying to figure out an escape route.

After a few surprising sessions 'we' decided to work hard at it. All the way through he has only said he wants things to work with me, that he loves me and he wants our relationship to be happy.

Now I 💯 don't want to be with him anymore and he won't discuss how we can make that happen. He won't give me two days space so that we can make a plan. All the apologies are gone and he's back to his mocking, snarling abusive old self.

I have to look after the business tomorrow morning (I'm not letting that go down the pan) so I can't leave before then.

I've phoned women's aid, the Samaritans and spoken to the police all today in complete distress.

I am taking my daughter tomorrow to my auntie's house, the trip was already arranged. The police told me to go straight to the courthouse and file for a safety order on Monday. One of them also whispered to me to keep a log.

Just chill out tonight as much as possible and try enjoy your time at your antys house you are emotionally exhausted with all this going on bless you , take 1 day at a time x

I first thought was that she was some sort of scam artist, the sort you see on tv, but usually male conning women out of thousands of pounds.

At least he’s having a emotional affair, and has lied for a year, and has had his head turned.

I don't know that it was meaningless. I'm not ok with it regardless, I was getting all the black moods and grumpiness while she was getting all the effort and sparkle.

And it's not as if I posted saying I thought our relationship was wonderful until this. Our relationship was a disaster and we were in therapy. I was doing my absolute best, I thought he was too but he was doing this.

This relationship sounds really sad and massively hard work. I think because you have shared so much trauma and worked so hard in therapy you have fallen in to a kind of sunk cost fallacy. Whatever was good about this was good for about five minutes then it sounds like you both clung to it like a life raft. But it’s pretty clear you have done everything you can and it has run its course. Your therapist doesn’t have the nerve to tell you not to waste your time plugging leaky holes in this sinking ship but you really should just end it.

I don't know how to end it, he won't leave! I am not leaving the house as I need to mind my business and have no family close by. I will not leave my daughter with him.

Is there anyone on his side of the family you could talk to, to get them to tell him he needs to move out, who could maybe put him up for a few days?

None of his family speak to him; (or each other really - they are utterly dysfunctional) not his siblings, his parent or his three other children. He has no friends but plenty of people he 'hobbies' with.

I'm now in a guesthouse to cool down. He followed me all around the house earlier trying to gaslight me about the messages. I said on repeat, even if this version is true (which I know it isn't) I still want you to leave. Please just leave and give me some space. He finally said yes fine, we will think about selling the house at some stage, till then we will just live amicably as that is what's right for our child, he then accused me again of having an affair and I absolutely lost my shit, I hit him in the side of his arm, walked downstairs burst into tears and smashed a bowl on the ground.

I am in despair. I feel like I can't stop the inevitable. I won't be able to get away from him.

Then I heard him phone the police and calmly report me for assault, said I was smashing up the house, our child wasn't safe and could they send help.

He went out onto the road and I could hear him telling the neighbours I was having an episode and he had called for help. I just heard the woman next door say curtly "I'm not getting involved in this" and walked away from him telling her son to come into the house.

Then the police came in and said did you lose your temper, tell the truth are you struggling with your mental health?

And he stood there looking smug. I feel broken.

You need to get out now. Call a relative for support, call the therapist for advice, and take your child and go.

Needless to say stop being in couples therapy and get your own. This guy is a major manipulator and you will not be able to be safe in therapy with him.

I can't get hold of the therapist but I have a meeting with women's aid on Tuesday. I spoke to the domestic abuse person earlier and she gave me some advice about legal aid. I have left and we are in a guesthouse. I'm going to my aunties tomorrow for two nights.

You’re not struggling with your mental health, you know this and we know this. Now is the time to gather all of the strength that you have and do your best to pull yourself together because now is not the time to fall apart, there will be plenty of time for that later. Have you got a plan for the weekend? Talk us through it, it will focus your mind and help you feel a sense of control.

Thank you.

Yes I'm spending the night here then going to pick up our stuff when I know he will be out and going to my auntie's for two nights.

I'm not telling my auntie; she's on my late dad's side and always lived abroad but has returned and had invited me already. I'm just going for some space and going to pretend he's sick.

Why can't you tel her the truth? Won't she support up and won't your DD spill?

I don't really know that side of the family and I don't want to set the rumour mill going. I also want a break from the topic.

Yeah I guess our DC might say something like "Mummy is upset because daddy was messaging a girl and the police came" but f it, my auntie won't question me if she realises I've opted to keep it private.

Your visit to your auntie was perfectly timed, someone in the heavens is looking out for you. Two nights away will hopefully mean that by the time you have to see him again the shock will have started to wear off and you will be better able to grey rock him.

I would add an appointment with your GP to your to do list for when you’re back. Tell your GP that since telling your DH that your relationship is over due to him cheating on you he has started telling you that you’re mentally ill. Tell them he kept pushing you until you cracked and then immediately called the police and told your neighbours that you were mentally ill - because that is exactly what he did. Your GP will make a note in your medical report and this might be handy in the future if he keeps on about you being mentally ill.