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Original poster

Who to put first?

61 replies

Bluebaron1 · 27/06/2023 15:42

Trying to keep this simple so advice please.

I have three daughters 18/20/24 who live with me. My new partner has fallen pregnant and I’m trying to find a way forward.

my ex says I should put my “children” first with regards her maybe moving in (they are not very happy about things).

I think they are adults and I should be concentrating on my new partner and unborn child?

OP posts:
Yupiknowhowthatfeels · 27/06/2023 15:44

Your ex is right.

Fidgety31 · 27/06/2023 15:44

Move in with your partner at her place and leave the three daughters in their current home

I cannot see how they are going to appreciate new girlfriend and baby moving into their home at their ages - unless it is a massive house with plenty of room

massiveclamps · 27/06/2023 15:45

Is there a reason why your 3 dc don't live with your ex?

Is the eldest likely to be moving out to her own place soon?

How old is your new partner?

Absolem76 · 27/06/2023 15:48

If it is your daughter's home and always has been of course they should come first. Why should they be evicted for your new girlfriend? Can't you and your girlfriend find somewhere together and leave your daughters.

Whattodowithit88 · 27/06/2023 15:55

I disagree, the children are adults and no longer need to come first as they are old enough to fend for themselves. They don’t need to be neglected obviously, but no longer can expect to be the centre focus of others lives now.
They have their own futures and the op is now entering a new stage of life (where you actually get your life back) so I do believe the partner should now come first, although i personally think your crazy to be starting again from the new born stage being as yours are now grown!

CindersAgain · 27/06/2023 15:56

There is a big difference between an 18 year old and a 24 year old.

AngelAurora · 27/06/2023 16:00

Your children come first? What planet are you on ffs?

Weal · 27/06/2023 16:00

Put them first in what sense?
move your partner in despite them not wanting her to move in you mean?
That does seem a little unfair unless you have planned and made them aware it will be happening over a period of time?

ricekrispi · 27/06/2023 16:01

Not sure what it has got to do with your ex and she will always have her own children's best interests at heart so will always be biased.

You and your partner should decide together and your adult children may adore their new sibling whilst also having a good reminder that having a baby isn't a walk in the park...

Netcam · 27/06/2023 16:03

I don't think your life is your ex's business. Your children are all adults, you have brought them up and you have a right to your own life. Your new baby will also have a right to a home with two parents. Although your adult children might not be happy about it, at the end of the day they need to develop some independence and also allow you to move forward with your life. They will probably get used to it. I wouldn't be giving them a choice, I would explain that it this is what is happening and how best can you all move forward to enable this to work best for all of you. If there is space for all of you then great, but now they are adults they can all now make a choice about what they want to do and whether they want to find somewhere different to live or stay with you.

Happyinmyowncompany · 27/06/2023 16:03

Sounds like a very selfish post tbh... Goodluck

PaintedEgg · 27/06/2023 16:04

well...put your children first but that also includes your youngest child yet to be born

i imagine your daughters may be unhappy, so talk to them (not your ex. she has nothing to do with any of this)

Happyinmyowncompany · 27/06/2023 16:05

Netcam · 27/06/2023 16:03

I don't think your life is your ex's business. Your children are all adults, you have brought them up and you have a right to your own life. Your new baby will also have a right to a home with two parents. Although your adult children might not be happy about it, at the end of the day they need to develop some independence and also allow you to move forward with your life. They will probably get used to it. I wouldn't be giving them a choice, I would explain that it this is what is happening and how best can you all move forward to enable this to work best for all of you. If there is space for all of you then great, but now they are adults they can all now make a choice about what they want to do and whether they want to find somewhere different to live or stay with you.

So just because the posters children are adults and the posters partner is pregnant they should kick the other adult kids to the curb?

Theunamedcat · 27/06/2023 16:05

Who lives where and in what way is she proposing you center your joint children? By getting rid of or neglecting this one?

WeWereInParis · 27/06/2023 16:09

my ex says I should put my “children” first with regards her maybe moving in (they are not very happy about things).

So they don't want her to move in? I would say that no, they don't get to say that your partner and newborn baby (when born) have to live elsewhere.

Unless you are suggesting kicking them out (I hope not) then you having all four of your children living with you seems perfectly reasonable in terms of considering them all, treating them equally etc (obviously you can't really treat a 24 year old and a newborn equally). Although I can understand the older children not being thrilled.

Watchkeys · 27/06/2023 16:11

What do your adult children think and feel about it? Those are the people who will be affected, theirs is the opinion you should ask.

Netcam · 27/06/2023 16:14

Happyinmyowncompany · 27/06/2023 16:05

So just because the posters children are adults and the posters partner is pregnant they should kick the other adult kids to the curb?

Show quote history

No, not kick them to the kerb, no reason for them to be evicted, but the new partner moving in shouldn't be prevented either. I think they should all be able to live together if there's space. But we are not responsible for providing a home for our adult kids kept exactly as they want it at the expense of being able to move on with our lives. My sons are 16 and 19 and if in their 20s they want to live with me, my doors would always be open to them. However, my home would be where I choose to live and together with whom I choose to live.

CwmYoy · 27/06/2023 16:15

Not your ex's business so shut her down.

Your daughters are adults. If they aren't happy with your GF and baby moving in they can move out.

The baby is the most important person in this.

WilkinsonM · 27/06/2023 16:16

I think you should communicate with your adult daughters, leaving their mother out of it.
is this a very new relationship? Did she get pregnant very quickly? Do the daughters have good reason to be unsure about living with her or is it just about the change to their lives? Is the house big enough for them plus another adult and a baby?
realistically yes they are adults and they can make their own decisions about where they live but it's a lot to put on them. They might be being a bit bratty or they might have genuine concerns. Impossible to say, but I don't know why your ex is involved in the discussion.

Unicorn2023 · 27/06/2023 16:16

@Bluebaron1 my ex says I should put my “children” first

This stood out to me a lot! Surely this includes the child you have on the way?! Or does she mean you should put the children you had with her first?! I am also really confused as to why your EX has any say in your life now. If your grown adult children aren’t happy you have moved on and want to move your new pregnant girlfriend in can they not perhaps move in with your ex until they maybe get to know her better?

gavisconismyfriend · 27/06/2023 16:18

Is this a reverse of some sort?

EllaRaines · 27/06/2023 16:19

'My new partner has fallen pregnant...'

That's not how it happens. You have been lapse in taking contraceptive measures.

As already suggested, let your adult daughters live in your house and you move in with with your new lady friend and your child to be.

You will of course have to maintain the house and garden and regularly visit to make sure your three older daughters are ok.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 27/06/2023 16:19

Well obviously you need to abort your second tier dc and become a monk until the day you die...
Your dc aren't dc. They are your offspring.. They are adults who need to accept they have lives and so do you.

Pissedoffandcovidy · 27/06/2023 16:19

The baby on the way is at least as important as the adult children (of not more, as the newborn is more dependent) and by far the best for that child would be to have her mother and father live together. You also have duties towards your partner. I would say its not ideal, but if your adult children don’t like it, they may have to move out.

Pissedoffandcovidy · 27/06/2023 16:21

Also are people who are saying he should move out and leave the adult children there honestly saying he should fully fund that house as well as the one he’s living in?! Why?