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Original poster

Who to put first?

61 replies

Bluebaron1 · 27/06/2023 15:42

Trying to keep this simple so advice please.

I have three daughters 18/20/24 who live with me. My new partner has fallen pregnant and I’m trying to find a way forward.

my ex says I should put my “children” first with regards her maybe moving in (they are not very happy about things).

I think they are adults and I should be concentrating on my new partner and unborn child?

OP posts:
FloofCloud · 27/06/2023 16:27

Fidgety31 · 27/06/2023 15:44

Move in with your partner at her place and leave the three daughters in their current home

I cannot see how they are going to appreciate new girlfriend and baby moving into their home at their ages - unless it is a massive house with plenty of room

^^ this

SamTG · 27/06/2023 16:28

I can see that your adult children might not want your partner and baby living there, but they’re adults. The baby is not.

Why are you listening to your exW? Of course she’s biased, she only cares about your adult dc she shares with you.

God, I can’t imagine being your poor pregnant partner, with a bf who is thinking “my exW says this shouldn’t happen”
How awful for her.

Original poster
Bluebaron1 · 27/06/2023 16:30

Sorry I tried to keep it simple but a few blanks to fill in.

it’s a big house I’m not kicking them out they will stay for as long as they want.
my ex still owns 50% of the house and I pay her rent for her share.
my new partner doesn’t have her own place she rents a room for a friend.

OP posts:
Mumof4plusbonus · 27/06/2023 16:35

Why does anyone need put 1st? Your daughters are adult, but young. I wouldn’t go kicking them out, especially the 18yr old. However if you want your partner and new baby to move in then that should also be ok. If they don’t like it they are old enough for their own place. (Ideally not the 18yr old).
Ex gets no say except to offer up their home to their children.

lookingforMolly · 27/06/2023 16:48

It's not either or.

My parents divorced when I was a young adult and I let them get on with their love lives as I got on with mine.. when I needed any support or advice they were still there for me and it worked the other way too.

Your new partner should move into your bedroom if she's pregnant as she needs you to care for her and the baby.

Your adult children can also stay put in the house if they wish and get on life with whatever guidance or support they require from you as long as it's reasonable.

Original poster
Bluebaron1 · 27/06/2023 16:51

lookingforMolly · 27/06/2023 16:48

It's not either or.

My parents divorced when I was a young adult and I let them get on with their love lives as I got on with mine.. when I needed any support or advice they were still there for me and it worked the other way too.

Your new partner should move into your bedroom if she's pregnant as she needs you to care for her and the baby.

Your adult children can also stay put in the house if they wish and get on life with whatever guidance or support they require from you as long as it's reasonable.

That’s my take but I’m getting a lot or pushback. It’s not ideal I’ve only been dated my new partner 7 months and it wasn’t planned they think she’s baby trapped me etc to there’s a lot of tension.

im hoping my children will calm down after a few days/weeks

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 27/06/2023 17:05

Personally I think any child over 18 is lucky if their parents allowed them to continue to live there after education. If you're not kicking them out, they have other options to leave if they want. Your partner and baby need support. your baby is a dependent. It's all in the word.

Odiebay · 27/06/2023 17:06

Bluebaron1 · 27/06/2023 16:51

That’s my take but I’m getting a lot or pushback. It’s not ideal I’ve only been dated my new partner 7 months and it wasn’t planned they think she’s baby trapped me etc to there’s a lot of tension.

im hoping my children will calm down after a few days/weeks

Show quote history

Time to teach them that you are equally responsible for this pregnancy and there is no trapping.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 27/06/2023 17:06

Sell the family home. You aren't a family now. Make a decent life for yourself and your new dc. Your grown up dc had a stable childhood by the sounds of it. Doesn't the new baby deserve the same? You don't need to support 4 adults in the family home plus yourself... Whilst new dp is in a rented room! Shocking

mindutopia · 27/06/2023 17:08

I assume some of the tension comes from the fact that there seems to be a degree of financial/age difference between you and your new partner. I'm assuming this because you are a homeowner with a child who is mid-20s dating someone who is a lodger in someone else's house - so not as financially comfortable and potentially not as old as you - and it's obviously all happened very quickly.

I think you obviously do need to support your new partner and child, but it sounds like very early days still (pregnancy or no pregnancy) to be moving her into the family home. I can see why this is causing tension.

With the exception maybe of your 18 year old, it's time to start talking about what their plans are for living independently and how you and your ex can support them to start heading in that direction. Doesn't mean they won't still have a 'home' with you and yes, the timing isn't ideal, but they will need to launch eventually and this could be a good time to start working towards that.

MumLass · 27/06/2023 17:12

Oh heck. Well, if you got this new partner pregnant and have been together less than 7 months I would worry about the likelihood of it lasting I'm afraid. If one of your daughters came home and said she was pregnant to her boyfriend of 7 months what would you think?
I'm going to guess that your new partner is younger, perhaps closer in age to your daughters than to yourself?

HowardKirksConscience · 27/06/2023 17:18

‘Fallen pregnant’ - you mean you got her pregnant!

Should have put something on the end of it…

Seaoftroubles · 27/06/2023 17:29

Have your daughters met your girlfriend? And if so did they like her before they were told about this latest development?

pinkyredrose · 27/06/2023 17:35

Was the baby planned, were you using contraception?

whiteroseredrose · 27/06/2023 17:37

Oh dear what a mess.

You and your daughters are living in the family home which is part owned by their mother and you have got a woman you barely know pregnant. And the girlfriend isn't even financially solvent enough to rent a place for herself let alone look after a baby. Not exactly responsible, and I can see why your daughters think that it was planned.

One of your daughters is barely and adult and your ex can veto the girlfriend moving in, it is her property too.

It is probably time to sell the family home and buy your ex out.

Quartz2208 · 27/06/2023 17:38

You stayed in the family home and are now planning on moving in a new (younger) pregnant girlfriend into their family home your ex still owns half off.

you need to sell the house and split the money now you cannot move her into that house

ActDottie · 27/06/2023 17:42

All your children should come first. The three that are adults and the unborn child.

Dotcheck · 27/06/2023 17:42

Why aren’t your daughters happy? Is there an age gap?

Rogue1001MNer · 27/06/2023 17:45

they think she’s baby trapped me

Noone's heard of condoms???

FishIsForCatsNotDogs · 27/06/2023 17:46

AngelAurora · 27/06/2023 16:00

Your children come first? What planet are you on ffs?

The baby is the OP's child as well. So which should come first....the adult "children" or the newborn?

Weal · 27/06/2023 17:48

I don’t know if your ex is still local but wouldn’t it make more sense for her to move back into the family home and the older children stay with her. Then you and new partner find a new family home?

Yupiknowhowthatfeels · 27/06/2023 17:48

You have been irresponsible and have ongoing responsibility to your older children.
You should probably rent or buy another place and live there with your girlfriend and baby.
Totally unfair on all involved to inflict a new baby on your older kids, and the one inevitable conflict on your GF and baby.
You should take the additional rent, £ of running two houses on the nose. Costly mistake no?

Nclktnntt · 27/06/2023 17:48

AngelAurora · 27/06/2023 16:00

Your children come first? What planet are you on ffs?

You're aware the unborn child is also the OPs child right?

Dery · 27/06/2023 17:55

It’s really important for you start taking responsibility for the pregnancy. Your GF didn’t fall pregnant. This isn’t a cold she’s caught. You got her pregnant. The language about trapping is sexist BS and, in any case, she is at least as trapped as you and probably more so because reluctant fathers can and do walk away from their children.

Original poster
Bluebaron1 · 27/06/2023 18:00

yes without going into the “why did this happen” yes she is younger (32) me (50). She was renting until two months ago when she moved out to save up money to buy in the autumn. She’s employed in a good job and I’m a high earner. She also has a little boy (5) starting school in September.

so I agree it’s all a bit screwed but I’m trying to find a way forward.

I have considered selling and buying/renting but 1/ I have 2 1/2 years on my mortgage with a £30k redemption fee,
2/ my three older children would have nowhere to go (could maybe take the younger two at a squeeze),
3/ there are no 5 bed houses to rent within 10 miles of me as of today
4/ my ex won’t sell

OP posts: