Would you expect your parents to spend time with your kids? Think we're being punished...

[bohemianbint]

I'm trying to figure out if I'm BU or not...

My parents live 5 minutes around the corner. So far this year, they have seen their grandson physically twice, but only for any real time last week, which was for 45 minutes.

When we do go there they don't help out with him, we just end up chasing him around trying to stop him from braining himself. They never come here and I can't remember the last time they actually spent any quality time with him. My mum had him for 3 hours, about 4 months ago and that's about it.

I understand that we chose to have kids and we need to get on with it. But I'm also a bit bit disappointed that they don't actually seem to want to spend any time with him, not to mention the fact that it's the only way me and DP could ever get any time together but they just don't seem to want to help as they're too busy with their own priorities. On the one hand I think, fair enough, they've worked all their lives, why should they do anything else now, but then again they got loads of help from both sets of parents when we were little and I got a lot out of spending time with my grandparents, and I feel a bit sad for my son (and the baby that's on the way!)

Thing is, they were round a lot when DS was first born, but because I wouldn't "do as I was told", I got told I was isolating everyone and no-one would bother with us. I feel like has now happened, which makes me angry because I think it's very wrong to punish us all because I chose to breastfeed and not do CC from day 1.

I'm in 2 minds as to whether to talk to them, or just get on with it as best we can (with no help from anyone!) and deal with it. I'm also tempted to just not go there for a while and see if they would ever want to see their grandson of their own volition.

Is it unreasonable to expect help?

Why don't you invite them for Sunday lunch tomorrow?
Sometimes people just need to be invited to something, they don't like to just pop round. And maybe if you invited them regularly they would start to invite you round more?

What was your relationship with them like before you had dc? They sound very controlling.

My parents call me once a week to check I'm still going up over the weekend and in the past have said they're not bothered about me, they want to see my daughter.

Its a double edge sword for grandparents I think - my dd has three sets who all want to see her regularly, so DH and I have to do a lot of trekking around, but we'd be moaning if they didn't want to see her iyswim

Talk to your parents - I'm sure they'd love to spend time with your son if you asked / offered.

oh and FWIW, out of the three sets of grandparents, only one comes up for dinner at our house every now and again (DH's dad)
My parents - we visit every weekend and so do my sisters so its like a family event, they never come up to ours for a vist
DH's mum - rarely pops to ours.

They do generally do Sunday lunch most weeks, but they don't see DS when we go because he's usually asleep until we leave. I went through a few weeks of taking him round to see them on Saturdays as they hadn't seen him in ages but they're always just on their way somewhere and we felt like they just wanted us to go. They're always out shopping or busy doing something so we don't really go uninvited now, and they're generally too busy to come here, and when they do they're in and out in 10 minutes and still don't really see DS as they'll turn up after he's gone to bed or something.

I just don't feel like they have the time, or like they want to spend it with us.

Pages - it's got much worse since I had DS; because I've done things differently to how they did they've taken it personally and have been quite funny with me about it.

To add to it all, DP's parents who are odd in general, told him this week that it didn't matter if he wasn't here when they came to visit DS, so long as they can see him they don't care about seeing us. It's really upset him and he was almost in tears about it this morning feeling like no-one gives a toss about us. Things are quite tough at the moment and I'm nearly 4 months pregnant and we get no support from anywhere.

Blimey, you are very unlucky with both sets of grandparents, aren't you? Don't think there's much you can actually do about it, but it is a shame.

Ahh Bohemian- I feel for you I really do. I know exactly what you are going through. My parents are like this too.
It's a double edged sword really, because if you 'did' resolve things and they visited you more they would probably try and take over. So in effect you cant win. And yes I do believe it's punishing behaviour.
All I can say I have recently decided to extract myself from them emotionally.
In other words have had to except this is how they are and I know they will never change. It's a change of mindset, an acceptance I guess.

It does help because while you are still longing or wishing them to change you end up feeling a bit emotionally bereft, and end up focusing too much on them instead of your own family unit.
Dont know if this makes sense...hope it does... ((((hug))))

sorry to go on but do you actually invite them to something for a sunday lunch?
Or next tiem they invite you ask if you can go a bit later when your dc is awake?

Don't bother going to see either set of grandparents, accept the fact that they only want to do things on their terms.

And er, actually, when you parent, it has to be on your terms. So you have to accept that they're never going to want to help you, they both sound utterly selfish tbh.

smithfield - thanks - I think you are right, and am wondering if extricating is the way to go, or if I should have one last ditch attempt at figuring out what is going on. But then I don't really want to rake up loads of things and bad feelings, especially at the moment. It's really made me think about moving away up to Scotland, partly because I just really want to and to be honest whilst we would be moving away from family/friends, the amount we actually see anyone it wouldn't make any difference!

How have you managed to toughen yourself up against it? It't hard, isn't it....

posie - we don't invite them, because they usually invite the wider family to theirs on Sundays (although they don't usually tell us until an hour beforehand!) If we went at a time when DS was awake, it would mean that one of us would have to be in the other room with him as he won't sit at the table for a 2 hour lunch so it almost defeats the object when DS and one of us is not even there. If I did invite them round any other time I don't think they would come anyway. I'm just basically a bit hurt that they have never once taken DS to the park, and they never offer to take him, if for no other reason than it might help me and DP out. When we do go there they don't accomodate him at all, they just get on with things as they always have, if DS gets restless it's us that have to take him outside, no-one else offers to help by spending a bit of time with him. Christmas was a total nightmare and it gets to the point where it's just easier not to go - which is what we'll be doing this Christmas.

Cheers LittleBella.

They did actually say, with regards to childcare that even if they were retired they wouldn't look after DS, because then it would mean they couldn't go on holiday whenever they wanted.

I know they're entitled to do what they want in their retirement, and I've never even asked for them to help with childcare like that, but something about how it was said just annoyed me. And they've obviously had the same conversation in front of my sister because she was defending them not looking after him - not that I had brought it up with her!

Just means that I won't be able to afford to work until I've stopped having kids and they're all school age. And we're going to really struggle, but they just seem to think "I've made my bed", or something.

'If I did invite them round any other time I don't think they would come anyway.'

please just try, just once, they might surprise you
My parents sound very similar, one sister constantly moans that they never come round, pop in etc etc but that they go to my brothers quite often for Sunday lunch
This is because my brother invites them and my sister doesn't and my mum and dad hate to impose - they think weekends are family time and think they will be in the way unless they get invited

how old is ds ? - some people just don't find lo's interesting but they might become more so as he develops.

Hmmm...I might give it a whirl posie, but honestly, my parents aren't like that. DP's, perhaps, but mine have never been backwards at coming forwards, they were here all the time when DS was first born. The only other time we could invite them over when DS would be up and about would be on a Saturday, but they're always either shopping or watching the football and nothing interferes with that.

LIZS - DS is 18 months. I guess they might find him boring but it would still be nice to have a bit of help once in a while in teh meantime!

I mean, before I kids I found them thoroughly tedious, but it I knew my sister or close relative was dying of tiredness and struggling I'd like to think I'd give her a hand!

bohemian- I dont think I've toughened up really. It still hurts.
But I just decided to take time out on the relationship.
Parents like these/mine can batter your self esteem because it's a continual rejection from the two people who are meant to love you unconditionally.

I relate to your desire to move away, I haven't lived close to mine for many, many years, but to be honest I still clung on to the fact they would change even then.
As for taking time out (from them) yourself, only you 'can' answer that question. Go with your gut, trust your instincts. You have to be at a point where you decide enough is really enough.

Btw, does you sister have dc's? What's her relationship with them like?

You're right, I think smithfield.

I have a brother and sister and neither of them have kids yet. My sister is only 22 though and is my mum and dad's child, whilst I'm just my dad's daughter, IYSWIM. And my god, if my sister had kids it would be totally different, they still treat her like she is one and do everything for her so I imagine they'd be all over her kids. Which does rankle, a bit. I like to think they leave me to it because I'm more independant, but I suspect there's more to it than that...

They do sound weird bohemian, but i think you just have to accept them as they are. One thing's for sure - they're not going to change their routines/views much at this age!
DH's dad was similar (his mum died years ago). He lived a long way away, and hardly showed any interest in our kids at all. The first time we took dd (she was 3 months old) we arrived at his house after a 4 hour journed and he wouldnt even look in the carrycot because his favourite tv prog was on! Seriously! My parents were good, but lived 2 hours away so again, there was no weekly or even monthly contact.
I agree with you that GP's shouldnt be relied on for childcare - they have their own lives to lead.
But you mention in the OP that it would be nice if they helped a bit because that's the only way you and your dh can have time together. Now, you can do something about that. Enlist a local babysitter so that you and DH can have some time out. It will make you feel better - that you don't actually need your parents to help out, and it may even give them a bit of a kick up the backside if they see that you're using other adults to look after your kids. Maybe they won't agree with it (they sound like control freaks) but it will get the message across that you intend to get on with your own life.

(rolling eyes emoticon)- I so relate to this. My sister (10yrs younger). She is very much the golden child. She doesnt have kids yet but if she did....
She has never had to work, dad pays for her car, phone....

It hurts doesnt it.

I just suspected that was the case because you mentioned your sister sticks up for them.

You have to start measuring your worth in a another way. Every time they dont see your dc that sends a message about your value.
That's what I decided to put a stop to.

i can relate to this to but its my inlaws rather than my parents. they live 2 hours away and it is always us who have to visit them, we go to see them every school holiday as dp is desperate (sp?) for them to know their grandaughters but they honestly aren't bothered if we go or not. We invite them to us constantly but in five years they have only visited twice. They are both still young and both retired but we are expected to visit them - with toddler, teenager and newborn baby in tow. Never mind all the stuff that goes with it! DD3 was born 2 weeks ago, they came to visit this week after dp begged them but unfortunately i had to take dd3 back into hospital that day after she failed to gain weight and was still losing. It is still worrying us now. Because she was not home, they left that same afternoon as they were worried about their dogs who had been left in the house on their own. it breaks my heart to see dp so upset by this and it make me but we can't force them to visit. I am now getting fed up doing all the running and am not prepared to do it all the time like we used to. But for dp sake i know i will end up loading up the car again soon.

Im another one who can relate to this. I love my parents dearly but can safetly say they arent a help to me what so ever. Like BB says, I dont expect them to help me out, my kids, my choice. However it would be nice if they WANTED to come and join in and get invovled with my DC. We have 2 young DD's and they are a handful. If I am ill and home they wouldnt dream of offering to help. My DH works long hours and they know I struggle but never offer to relieve me every now and then. Infact, I havent even told my mum I have suffered from PND as I know she wouldnt do anymore to help and somehow I think that would make me even more upset. If she calls and she can tell I am upset and having a rough day she just laughs and says "oh, I remember how hard it was raising kids, it gets better, only 16 more years to go"! Somehow she manages to turn it all round on her as she had a rough time when I was a child and I honestly think she thinks I should experience the pain like she did. They both work and I totally respect that. There time is important to them but again, I had grandparents looking after me growing up and had a great bond with them and would love that to be the case for my DC.As for DH parents well, his mum sadly passed away before we met but his dad is a total plonker and has no interest in his grandchildren at all. He hasnt even looked after them for 5 minutes since the day they were born.
The thing that annoys me the most about it all is on birthdays and Xmas both lots of Grandparents want to see the DC and there is always bickering about who gets to see them yet every other day of the year they are no where to be seen. Both sides just want the fun happy days but not to help us through tough days. Sorry ranting on now but its been such a BIG issue for me since having first DD. There has been one breakthrough for me recently and that is the inclusion of my grandparents. I only have one lot of garndparents now and they are in their 80's now so unable to have DC for long periods but they have been great looking after DD2 (DD1 at school) whilst I go to dentist, Dr's etc. I have only recently started asking them. They are always excluded by my parents as they dont get on so I have had very little to with them up until now. By doing this though my parents have become very uptight about the amount of time we spend with my grandparents and last week took DD's off for the day. A case of jealousy I reckon!They have never had to try and compete for attention as DH side of family not invloved in anyway so this stirred them up big time!Top tip ladies!

I too can relate to this but it's my inlaws... long story but following their no show at my DD's 2nd birthday (which I specifically organised to suit them), and subsequent moodiness because I apparently "turned my back" and ignored her when talking to a group of people a couple of weeks after (which I didn't- I would never do that to anyway, no matter how pissed off with them I was), we decided that they weren't worth the bother.
DD is 2.5yrs old, they live a 5 minute walk away, she hasn't got a job and her husband works away for most of the years but she has NEVER looked after her, taken her to the park, shown much interest (every time I mention something that she has done or said, she counters it with something her other GD has done/said- sooooo annoying!) or asked if we need any help at all. On the day I got back from giving birth, I had to run about after her making her tea etc. FIL's first comment was "you still look pregnant to me"...nice.
They are idiots, basically. My DH is the oldest and they married because she got pregnant at 16 and he's always felt kind of punished in some way. He never got cuddles or praise and the thought of that being passed on to our children (am 34 weeks pg with number 2) was too much for him so he recently confronted her by phone...she was horrified that we accused her of favouritism and my FIL (who was back from working abroad for a few days, naturally having made no effort to visit my DD, who he has seen about 5 times her whole life) just screamed at her in the background to "put the fcking phone down or I'll go down there and kick his fcking c*nt in"...clearly, seeing as that was weeks ago and we've not heard from her since- that kind of behaviour is acceptable to her but attempting some emotional honesty is too much. This is during a time that I'm heavily pregnant and confronting my own family about childhood abuse so we've come to accept that some of us are unlucky where grandparents are concerned and we will endevour to try to make up for their crapiness by making sure they have lots of other lovely people around them. That's all you can do really....x

(sorry for the rant!)