Would you expect your parents to spend time with your kids? Think we're being punished...

[bohemianbint]

I'm trying to figure out if I'm BU or not...

My parents live 5 minutes around the corner. So far this year, they have seen their grandson physically twice, but only for any real time last week, which was for 45 minutes.

When we do go there they don't help out with him, we just end up chasing him around trying to stop him from braining himself. They never come here and I can't remember the last time they actually spent any quality time with him. My mum had him for 3 hours, about 4 months ago and that's about it.

I understand that we chose to have kids and we need to get on with it. But I'm also a bit bit disappointed that they don't actually seem to want to spend any time with him, not to mention the fact that it's the only way me and DP could ever get any time together but they just don't seem to want to help as they're too busy with their own priorities. On the one hand I think, fair enough, they've worked all their lives, why should they do anything else now, but then again they got loads of help from both sets of parents when we were little and I got a lot out of spending time with my grandparents, and I feel a bit sad for my son (and the baby that's on the way!)

Thing is, they were round a lot when DS was first born, but because I wouldn't "do as I was told", I got told I was isolating everyone and no-one would bother with us. I feel like has now happened, which makes me angry because I think it's very wrong to punish us all because I chose to breastfeed and not do CC from day 1.

I'm in 2 minds as to whether to talk to them, or just get on with it as best we can (with no help from anyone!) and deal with it. I'm also tempted to just not go there for a while and see if they would ever want to see their grandson of their own volition.

Is it unreasonable to expect help?

Can I ask.. when you're at your parents house, why do one of you have to go to another room with ds? Why can't he have a chair at the table to eat & then when he's finished can't he toddle about from person to person?

I came from a huge family, there are 16 grandkids..it's always been like this! I was an aunt at the age of 8

Next time, don't fuss, don't panic, just let ds toddle about & see what happens

TsarChasm - yep, in a way, I'm finding their total lack of empathy/concern the hardest thing to deal with. But I've always been a total let down, from my choice of career, lifestyle and the fact that I've always reminded them of my "bloody mother."

WallOfSilence - Hmmm. DS will sit in a high chair, sometimes for up to 20 minutes but he's always had his lunch earlier than we all tend to sit down, so we can bribe him with munchies for a bit but then he gets bored and restless. He's really active and needs to run around and is very vocal if you try to confine him! He usually wants to run around, climb the stairs or run in the garden, which means one of us has to stay with him as the house and garden are not child friendly, to say the least. Usually, if he's not asleep, lunch time for us is hell.

And with regard to the toddling about from person to person, no one else watches him and he ends up pulling crystal decanters and glasses over or eating things he shouldn't. No one else helps at all.

Do you see your mother much?

If so, what's she like with ds?

My mother has only just got back in touch with me after 8 years, and she abandoned us as children after doing unspeakable things.

Ironically, she's the best with DS out of all of them, but she's only met him a handful of times and you understand our concern; I'm not sure I could ever leave him with her.

How to toughen up?

My sister told me that once you have kids, your focus changes, and you have your own family now, so other members of your 'old' family don't become so important. I thought it was a really odd thing to say, but now I have 2 DC, I completely understand it.

It's a useful way of thikning about it, another sister has behaved appallingly towards me, and it is easier to think to myself, 'I have my own family now, she doesn't matter.'

Another point, and I really don't want it to sound patronising, you are probably taking it more to heart because of your hormones. Again, for me, when I recognise something like that, it helps.

Enjoy your family & your pregnancy, and just try to accept that grandparents don't always turn out the way we hoped.

Re the comment about teachers - an ex friend of mine never wanted children as they were dirty, smelly, messy and thick. She taught at a primary school.

Couple of things --- do you really need to see your parents so frequently if it's such a stress? The 2 hour lunches with crystal decanters and wine glasses just sounds way too formal and stressful to even think about with little ones. Is this about duty rather than pleasure? Because you have your own family now and don't owe it to your parents to do/be what they want.
Also - a babysitter is the way forward so you and DH get a bit of time together. We always relied on sitters as parents were miles away and CM didnt work weekends.

Ok. I do understand your concern re: your mum.

Do you have any friends who use a babysitter they can recommend to you?

Or do you have any cousins? I know I used to babysit my cousins when I was younger.

And even now when my niece is busy I get my dh's cousin to babysit. My niece is a mature 17, able to put them to bed & they go to sleep. My dh's cousin is 18 & has a little guy of her own she brings with her. They stay over & he has a travel cot.

Have you any neighbours with teenage/mature children that could sit for an hour so & dh could go for a walk/drink at the pub?

Nope, no one else really. My parents will do the odd evening session but that doesn't happen very often, and it doesn't involve them actually seeing DS as he sleeps like a top.