Would you expect your parents to spend time with your kids? Think we're being punished...

[bohemianbint]

I'm trying to figure out if I'm BU or not...

My parents live 5 minutes around the corner. So far this year, they have seen their grandson physically twice, but only for any real time last week, which was for 45 minutes.

When we do go there they don't help out with him, we just end up chasing him around trying to stop him from braining himself. They never come here and I can't remember the last time they actually spent any quality time with him. My mum had him for 3 hours, about 4 months ago and that's about it.

I understand that we chose to have kids and we need to get on with it. But I'm also a bit bit disappointed that they don't actually seem to want to spend any time with him, not to mention the fact that it's the only way me and DP could ever get any time together but they just don't seem to want to help as they're too busy with their own priorities. On the one hand I think, fair enough, they've worked all their lives, why should they do anything else now, but then again they got loads of help from both sets of parents when we were little and I got a lot out of spending time with my grandparents, and I feel a bit sad for my son (and the baby that's on the way!)

Thing is, they were round a lot when DS was first born, but because I wouldn't "do as I was told", I got told I was isolating everyone and no-one would bother with us. I feel like has now happened, which makes me angry because I think it's very wrong to punish us all because I chose to breastfeed and not do CC from day 1.

I'm in 2 minds as to whether to talk to them, or just get on with it as best we can (with no help from anyone!) and deal with it. I'm also tempted to just not go there for a while and see if they would ever want to see their grandson of their own volition.

Is it unreasonable to expect help?

Blimey MrsM thats awful. At least I can say we dont get that kind of behaviour from ours so we should be grateful for that. Its great to hear you say you will make sure your DC have other people in their life and im sure they wont dip out in anyway. All the best for baby no 2

Thanks Winston- we've found out who are friends are, having gone through this and it's made our family unit much stronger so there's lots to be thankful for...x

Message withdrawn

This is something i have too My in-laws have never babysat once,i have 4 dc aged between 18 months old and sixteen. They never visit on the dc birthdays(usually stick a card through the door and run away) twats!!

My 2 ds's who are 16 and 12 no longer make any effort when they do happen to see them. If they pop in (1-2 times per yr) ds's will not come down and say hello never mind chat to them.

My parents used to be ok but favour my brother and his dc so much i have withdrawn from the games. They babysit/buy stuff/take them to clubs etc constantly. My dc ask me all the time why nana and papa have their cousins to stay every weekend and why nana has bought clothes to keep at her house for them?

I will never ever ask them to babysit again,they always turn up to spend time with my dc/babysit with at least 2 of my db's dc.
I even had to relay my table on New Years day cos they were bringing my db's ds with them as db had pissed off on Hogmany and hadn't come back. When i moaned i was told i was selfish spoiled and jelous(sp)

So haven't asked them over since New Year. They pop in for an hour to see the dd's and thats it.

I do feel better now cos i expect nothing from them and so don't get disappointed or upset when they let me down or don't show cos they decide to go to db's when they are mant to be coming here.

It's difficult to do,i have had years of shit from them and i cannot do it anymore.Need to let go for my own mental health tbh.

Bohemian

I can both sympathise and relate to this; have written at some length previously about my parents (and to a lesser extent my ILs) lack of supportive behaviour.

Have never asked for full time help or even part time assistance; I just want them to show some interest in my son; their only grandchild on either side of the family. This has just not happened. Both of them are in good health but just have different priorities.

I have often felt I have come a distant second to my brother's empty house in my hometown (My Mum goes around there twice a week to do his cleaning and other chores). She'll readily go there but if I am sick and need some assistance the sum total of this is to have a newspaper put through the letterbox (when they don't forget to do so that is).
Have now come to having a reciprocal arrangements with a couple of Mums at school .

My parents were alright as well when I was growing up and living at home. The cracks started to show though when I left home, the favouritism shown towards brother increased markedly. I was the good and eldest daughter and thus trusted and left to get on with it.

The suggestion that Winston made re her own gps is a good one. Alas I cannot follow through completely with this suggestion as my Mum's parents' are now sadly deceased. My Nan (my Dad's mother) is 100 next month but is still quite spritely and does show some interest in my DS and asks him about school etc. Which is more than my parents or ILs do.

Wow, sorry to hear so many people are in the same boat. MrsM - your FIL sounds absolutely hideous and not the sort of person you'd want near your kids anyway!

Re the grandparents, unfortunately my two remaining grandparents died a couple of months after DS was born which was devastating. I really miss my Gran and I bet she would have loved to help out, and I would have really trusted her with him. Such is life, I suppose.

I drive for hours to take my children to see my parents

My mother talks to them for 5 mins, maybe lies on the floor with them for a bit then gets up and goes out "I'm busy you know"

Needless to say I don't go up there that often .. although I then get this rose-tinted idea of what my family life is like and forget and back in the car we go for a 5 hour journey minimum only for the same thing to happen again

tbh I've barely talked to my parents this year, I can no longer be bothered with it .. gawd that's sad when I actually think about it

(DH's mum lives in another country)

in-laws generally avoid us cos we went and produced a disabled child. FIL has seen his Grandkids maybe once in the last 2 years?

Sorry BB and ATM, realised after I posted alot of people would no longer have their own Grandparents, a bit insensitive so I apologise. I am one of the lucky few on that front and am grateful for that.
NeedMC, you mean your in laws (or out laws should I say) actually dont want to know their grandchild because he/she is disabled??? WTF??? Are there really people like that out there? I am shocked and saddened by that.Sounds like you are far better off without them.

Hi Winston,

No need to apologise to me hun!. Your suggestion re getting your own grandparents involved is a good one.

I am certain my Nan and Grandad would have loved to have known my son and my husband. They never got to meet either one of them.

with best wishes

Attila x

Hi all, My parents live 6 hours away and like yours the novlety wears off within 10 mins. They were more interested in the pup this time. DH parents live 10 mins away but have nithing to do with kids. Very sad as always hoped they would. We have to do all on our own and never get any much needed romantic weekends away!

It's really depressing me today and stressing me out. I'm not well, DP is on the brink of exhaustion and when I spoke to my mum earlier, she just said "well, that's what it's like when you have kids - bleeding awful!" Which isn't really what I needed to hear. She has said she might be able to watch DS on Fri but only in response to me makign some very pointed comments about how we are struggling without help.

I'm starting to think we may have to have it out once and for all.

I can't wait to be a grand parent. I will be there as much as my kids want and I will babysit - even in the dark! - if they want to go out for dinner.

My ILs help loads some times and not in others but they do have busy lives.

BB - I think you need to stop looking to your parents to provide support for you - it is clear that if they do, it will be given very grudgingly.

They sound quite selfish, but that is life.

Instead of raking over and over this situation, why don't you just look for alternative means of support?

I think it is up to you and DH to put in place the support network you feel you need, then you can choose how much or little you want to see family.

Find a CM, nursery or babysitter to take DS for a few hours a week to give you and DH a break. Support doesn't have to (and for many people can't) come from family members. Most of my close friends with children have no family members living within 2-3 hours distance, and a few where they live many more hours away. As such, loads of people have to find alternatives to family and since your family don't seem interested in your DS, then stop looking to them for support and find someone else instead. You'll feel better for it - once you stop seeing them as the sole source of support!

cheers soapbox. We were talking about this today; DS goes to a CM for 3 hours in the week, which is fab for me but it doesn't really benefit DP. Unfortunately she doesn't work weekends which is the only time DP and I get time together, and there really is no one else who could help, which makes it all very frustrating. We can't afford to pay for anymore childcare than the 3 hours we already do, and we might have to stop that soon due to lack of cash.

It's just very frustrating when you really can see absolutely no way out of the situation. And it's really making me resent my parents for being so heartless and unconcerned about us, especially at the moment when things have never been tougher.

Tbh if your parents are not retired they probably don't have loads of spare time. However, I think their behaviour is less than supportive so I can understand that it would feel hurtful.

Soapbox ideas are v sensible and practical. I think you will feel better if you find alternative solutions...and perhaps you will no longer feel tied to staying in the same area if you parents are not going to give you the support you had anticipated.

Big sympathy to you on this one but I would say forget trying to change things and move forward on your own terms.

BB, then cut the CM out and hire a babysitter from sitters for every saturday evening (or lunchtime) come to that

What is the actual cause of DP's exhaustion - could that be looked at as well?

BB- I agree with soapbox.

I know it's not easy and your dc's are very young, but also try and remember it does get easier with time.

Try and focus on that as well, as I find this helps me ie to try and re-focus and stay positive. They grow up in a blink of an eye, and really young dc's is as tough as it gets.

You may find nursery daycare too expensive, but we found a lovely (and I mean really lovely) babysitter. Cheaper alternative, and we paid £7 perhour, which was on the highs side as she was trained childminder too and offsted registered.

Childminder is another alternative.
The more independant you become, the more powerful you will feel. Dont allow them to impact on your mental health like this. You can find alternatives and and get the breather I know you need right now.
Take care BB.

DP's knackered because he's an absolute diamond and gets up on the weekends and lets me have a lie in whilst I'm still suffering from 1st trimester hell (despite being in the second trimester - I've been quite ill with it all recently). He's also just started a new job and that combined with money worries and his parents beign a bit crap are all starting to take its toll. I'm trying to make his life easier for him in little ways but all we really need is just a bit of time together.

soapbox - thanks as well for the sitters link. I was wondering where on earth you go about getting one from!

Apologies I haven't read all of this thread but this is such a shame for all concerned.

I would be gutted to get this response from my parents and my in laws (both sets have been fantastic and I realise the more I read mn that we are vv lucky)

Not sure about in laws - but if this were me and my parents I just know I'd have to get to the bottom of it or it would wear away at me.

Does this follow a pattern in other areas as you have grown up? Ie do it our way or we freeze you out? You must be terribly hurt by this reaction

BB - can't Dp have a sleep during the day at weekends to catch up a bit? This could even be while you take DS to your parents for Sunday lunch

I think many of us, will have felt exactly the same at this point in the raising children cycle. It is just the way it is. But that doesn't mean it isn't difficult

I think you just need to turn your mind off of your parents as 'being there' for you. Then you and DP will just have to muddle on with it. But at least, you'll be able to do so, without constantly feeling that somehow your parents are letting you down. You need less stress, not more in your life right now!

BB - can't Dp have a sleep during the day at weekends to catch up a bit? This could even be while you take DS to your parents for Sunday lunch

I think many of us, will have felt exactly the same at this point in the raising children cycle. It is just the way it is. But that doesn't mean it isn't difficult

I think you just need to turn your mind off of your parents as 'being there' for you. Then you and DP will just have to muddle on with it. But at least, you'll be able to do so, without constantly feeling that somehow your parents are letting you down. You need less stress, not more in your life right now!

We had this and let it go for 10 years with fisrt two DCs.
then DH had had enough. Eldest had started asking why granny and grandpa never came to see him and his brother.
They had been pretty disinterested parents so we didn't expect loads of attention but they kept asking DH to visit them without the children and kept telling DS1 to go away and stop bothering them on the few occasions they did visit.
anyway. Dh called them on it just before DD was born and we haven't seen them since. DD is now five.

The huge irony is that it is so screamingly obvious from all that they have said that they have no time at all for children and yet , until they retired they were both...teachers .

It is sad but our view is that it is very much their loss and that our kids do much better without GP's treating them like a PITA. DS1 used to find their constant rejection quite hard to take. He is 14 now and when we talk about it he reiterates that he is much happier not seeing them.
Really odd to me but there you go!

BB, what you're describing is happening in loads of houses up & down the country on a daily basis.

There are very few CMs who will mind at weekends.

Have you tried doing relaxing things with ds at the weekend? Such as going to the pool & letting him splash about? Or going to the beach (even in winter with a coat on) & letting ds run on (whilst you can still see him?)

We found this great at weekends, spending relaxing time together.

I love my ILs & they help out when they can. Unfortunately MIL works full time & my parents are too far away... we just get on with it. My dh has started a new job this week too & is up an hour earlier than he was before. We have worked it out by both having early nights... is there any chance of this with you & dh?