Friend is falling out with me and I am upset

[citygirl1961]

I am hoping for some advice. I made a stupid blunder on Friday night. I message two friends on Facebook regularly, one's a man, the other a woman, we are all friends together. I know they message each other and talk about me (nothing untoward) and I am fine with that.

On Friday my lady friend messaged me to tell me she's ordered an air fryer, something she's always been against, but she said she's got it just for some friends visiting her and she won't use it afterwards. Me and my male friend have always joked about her being against air fryers so I just messaged him to say that she's ordered one, then in one message I just said that it seems daft ordering one just for friends coming if she's going to use it afterwards and she could cook for them in the oven too. Next thing I got a message from her saying 'I know that, be careful who you message'. I had only gone and sent her the message in error.

I replied straight away to apologise and didn't get a reply until today. She said that she feels she can't trust me and I should have told her how I feel before our other friend. I did tell her at the time that I thought it was bit silly buying an air fryer for a friend's visit that she won't use afterwards but she says she is upset by what I have done. She says we are still friends but she won't message me as often as she needs time to get over this.

I am very upset as I don't feel I have said anything offensive. I have reminded her that her and our other friend talk about me in messages but she hasn't responded to that. We are supposed to be booking a holiday next year together as we went away in March this year and really enjoyed it. We have always been good friends and had a laugh together. I do have other friends but I still don't want to lose her friendship over something so trivial. I feel really gutted. Should I just leave her to come round and how do I cope in the meantime?

Just let her cool down. It's one thing to know you're talked about, it's another to read it. Give her some space.

Your message sounds quite matter of fact and nothing you wouldn't say to her face. It'll blow over. In a few days she'll have other issues to deal with and a friend thinking she's daft for buying a kitchen appliance for a few days will be nothing. Try not to worry, she's even said its fine. She's probably just under a bit of pressure planning to host her friends

I have reminded her that her and our other friend talk about me in messages but she hasn't responded to that.

So you gave an apology and then half took it back by trying to justify your behaviour? I'm not surprised she didn't respond.

You have said that it’s nothing you wouldn’t say to her face but you didn’t set out to say it to her face. You intended to say it behind her back to the third member of your group. It all sounds a bit bitchy to me - why talk about each other at all behind each other’s backs?

I was burned very badly by something like this at secondary school - still with me 40 years on - so I just don’t say things behind people’s backs full stop.

But we all fuck up sometimes (God knows I do). If you’re generally a good friend, perhaps just say - she’s right, you were out of order and apologise. It will probably blow over.

You’ve been caught out and I get her point of view. You were being bitchy and got caught out

She wasn't being bitchy though, she'd said the same to friend's face

To be fair it's bitchy isn't it - going straight to someone else to basically slag her off. It's really childish, I'd wonder what else you said about me.

@Coldcoldheartdualipa saying it to her is different than going to a friend and saying "friend bought an air fryer isn't that silly" - it's inviting people to laugh, make bitchy comments. The message was for that exact reason, why else would you message someone with such mundane info? It was meant to invite criticism- let's not pretend otherwise.

Same. Own up & apologise for being a mare.

You said what you said to your male friend to your female friend, so it isn’t the crime of the century. I do see why she is annoyed but if I was her, there is only so annoyed I could be as you did say it to me already. I’m sure she has said things to your male friend that she has never said to you, so really she probably won’t remain mad at you forever. The issue is, she will wonder maybe what else is being said by the two of you about her. This would throw me also as a group of friends have no business speaking about one another in any bitchy way( tho I’m sure it happens a lot, we just never find out about it) I think it’ll blow over but it’s a lesson learned for sure!

Sod the who's offended who, you have a friend who is "against" a certain kitchen appliance, bit is buying one anyway. Who has such strong feelings about air fryers? She got bigger issues to deal with than you!

It doesn’t sound like a very good apology.

You accuse someone of having issues just because they have made a compromise? Talk about Puritanism. I wonder if you live up to your own high expectations.

How do I cope in the meantime?

it all sounds so melodramatic from you, why not take your friends advice and be careful who you message. It’s immature behaviour really to talk behind each others backs like this.

I'd be upset if I thought two of my friends were laughing at me behind my back. I think most people would be.

This happened to me a few years ago and I was devastated.

I was in a group of 3 friends and although I had also talked to each about the other, and assumed they talked about me, to actually see it in writing was horrible. And she she was pretty nasty about me.

When I called her on it she then launched into some awful thing I apparently did years earlier that she'd never mentioned before.

I haven't spoken to her since and never will again.

Exactly her. Don't be surprised when you are iced out of the friendship

You got caught out and now you can only apologise and hope in time all gets forgotten.

it also seems like you conduct your friendships by messenger, maybe get out in the real world and spend some time with them?

Why does your group of friends all talk about each other negatively behind each others backs? this is not a positive and uplifting friendship. Perhaps the toxic triangle needs to end.

You got caught being mean. Your comment to your other friend was to belittle and make fun of her, even if it was quite low key. I’d be upset if I was her, and your apology was half hearted. It would change the way I saw the friendship.

This. Regardless of whether you'd say it to her face, you didnt. You were bitching and gossiping behind her back. Thats not a nice feeling from a "friend" is it? how would you feel if the situation was reversed? I am presuming you wouldnt feel wonderful about it so stop doing it. Its nasty behaviour.

You sent a bitchy message and got caught out. Dont be surprised if you lose this friendship. Good grief- its an air fryer, its not the crime of the century to change your mind about buying one is it?- she hasnt done something awful, is this really the only interesting conversation you can think of to have with your friends? the three of you sound toxic and really unpleasant bitching about each other behind each others backs about every tiny little thing.

Ouch. This is my worst nightmare. Well it doesn't sound like you said anything too bad, so hopefully she'll get over it but she might not as well. It's the while betrayal factor, knowing you and the other friend make fun of her, I'd feel a bit hurt (even though it's not that bad)

You’ve been called out OP, imagine how upset she is.

Yes you didn’t call her a cunt, but what you have done is shown to her that behind her back you’re bitchy and talking about her to another mutual friend. Taking the piss and laughing at her. What normal human being would be ok with that?

Happened to me once in the loos, two friends discussing my issues I was having at the time in separate cubicles. It made interesting listening, especially when I called them out 😁

Ah the feeling of doing something with ill-intent and being busted is a humbling one. 😆

Let’s be honest, the message content might have been matter-of-fact, but it was designed to mock the woman/start a conversation to mock the woman who bought the air fryer.

OP knows it and now, so does the woman.