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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend is falling out with me and I am upset

77 replies

citygirl1961 · 26/06/2023 21:12

I am hoping for some advice. I made a stupid blunder on Friday night. I message two friends on Facebook regularly, one's a man, the other a woman, we are all friends together. I know they message each other and talk about me (nothing untoward) and I am fine with that.

On Friday my lady friend messaged me to tell me she's ordered an air fryer, something she's always been against, but she said she's got it just for some friends visiting her and she won't use it afterwards. Me and my male friend have always joked about her being against air fryers so I just messaged him to say that she's ordered one, then in one message I just said that it seems daft ordering one just for friends coming if she's going to use it afterwards and she could cook for them in the oven too. Next thing I got a message from her saying 'I know that, be careful who you message'. I had only gone and sent her the message in error.

I replied straight away to apologise and didn't get a reply until today. She said that she feels she can't trust me and I should have told her how I feel before our other friend. I did tell her at the time that I thought it was bit silly buying an air fryer for a friend's visit that she won't use afterwards but she says she is upset by what I have done. She says we are still friends but she won't message me as often as she needs time to get over this.

I am very upset as I don't feel I have said anything offensive. I have reminded her that her and our other friend talk about me in messages but she hasn't responded to that. We are supposed to be booking a holiday next year together as we went away in March this year and really enjoyed it. We have always been good friends and had a laugh together. I do have other friends but I still don't want to lose her friendship over something so trivial. I feel really gutted. Should I just leave her to come round and how do I cope in the meantime?

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 27/06/2023 09:42

Bookish88 · 26/06/2023 21:40

I have reminded her that her and our other friend talk about me in messages but she hasn't responded to that.

So you gave an apology and then half took it back by trying to justify your behaviour? I'm not surprised she didn't respond.

This. Sounds like you got quite defensive about it rather than just owning up that you messed up.

You might think your comment wasn't that bad, but you were critisizing her behind her back. Now she's likely wondering what else has been said behind her back.

She's communicated that she needs some space, so give her space.

LovelyMumma12 · 27/06/2023 09:55

Give her a couple of days and then message or better still go in person and apologise and say it was wrong and you completely get why she's upset. Then maybe invite her to yours and make her a nice meal or something,

maybe use the oven????

EmmaPaella · 27/06/2023 10:06

veryfluffyfluff · 27/06/2023 06:03

Why does your group of friends all talk about each other negatively behind each others backs? this is not a positive and uplifting friendship. Perhaps the toxic triangle needs to end.

This. I’d be upset too if I was your friend.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 27/06/2023 10:07

Air fryers bring out the worst in people.

Such an emotive subject.

ThunderStormPlease · 27/06/2023 10:09

Yep I wouldn't be friends with you after that. Needlessly bitchy.

You all need to grow up.

ThunderStormPlease · 27/06/2023 10:10

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 27/06/2023 10:07

Air fryers bring out the worst in people.

Such an emotive subject.

😂😂😂

TeeBee · 27/06/2023 10:14

Stop being a bitch. Simple. It's not what you said, it's the fact you're being condescending behind her back (or attempted to). I suspect she won't trust you again. I had a friend like that. I very much keep my distance now. We're not 12.

Original poster
citygirl1961 · 27/06/2023 19:50

Thanks for your replies. I can assure you I am not a bitchy person and neither is my male friend. We have always had a joke about our friend being adverse to air fryers, yes it is her preference but its always been a joke between us and nothing untoward was meant by either of us.

I have apologised, she said she needs time to forget it, she's said she is not falling out with me so that's something but I am still upset because of my blunder. Personally I think it was one error which should be forgiven but she's not me and she feels as she does, fair enough.

I suffer from anxiety and I am very upset by this. I don't know how to resolve it. I don't want to keep messaging her if its unwelcome but I don't want to lose contact either.

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 28/06/2023 00:02

citygirl1961 · 27/06/2023 19:50

Thanks for your replies. I can assure you I am not a bitchy person and neither is my male friend. We have always had a joke about our friend being adverse to air fryers, yes it is her preference but its always been a joke between us and nothing untoward was meant by either of us.

I have apologised, she said she needs time to forget it, she's said she is not falling out with me so that's something but I am still upset because of my blunder. Personally I think it was one error which should be forgiven but she's not me and she feels as she does, fair enough.

I suffer from anxiety and I am very upset by this. I don't know how to resolve it. I don't want to keep messaging her if its unwelcome but I don't want to lose contact either.

Again, this is all me, me and me - how it's upset you so much.
You suffering with anxiety has nothing to do with it, you aren't the one who's discovered their friends are messaging making fun of her. Imagine how anxious she must feel.

Until you are able to stop making excuses and playing the victim, I do my blame her for not wanting to speak with you. You aren't genuine In the slightest.

gelatogina · 28/06/2023 05:44

Leave her alone and give her time to get over it.

you are in the wrong, it’s not all about how you feel anxious, imagine how anxious she is to find out her two friends are bitching about her behind her back.

summerpug · 28/06/2023 05:49

Some people take any opportunity to be offended and to try to take the moral high ground and bring people down..they enjoy the power .
just ignore and get on with your life
she use this as an excuse to end the friendship,or at least use it to enjoy leaving you worrying about the friendship .
let her ….

100yellowroses · 28/06/2023 06:17

the air fryer is irrelevant. Basically you were texting about her behind her back and judging her negatively. Quite hurtful behaviour and potentially one of many such texts? Half an apology then given. The question is what can you learn from this? Best not repeat this behaviour (texting behind peoples backs in such a mean way) and talk to your friend, taking ownership for your behaviour rather than minimising it. If I was your friend I’d take a step back too.

whataboutme77 · 28/06/2023 07:06

The thing is, she now knows that you run to make friend to bitch behind her back. Yes this is mild in the grand scheme of things but if I were in her shoes I would struggle to trust you and be wary of everything I was about to say, knowing it would probably be talked about behind my back.
The fact that they talk about you too makes me think that this friendship has a bit of an unpleasant side to it.

Gytgyt · 28/06/2023 07:12

Just thank God the topic was only about an air fryer. People talk obviously the txt was a silly mistake.

Littlethingsmeanalot · 28/06/2023 07:22

Is that exactly how you phrased it op?

yellowsmileyface · 28/06/2023 08:13

Personally I think it was one error which should be forgiven

She's not just upset about the specific thing you said. She's upset because it's been brought to her attention that her friends talk about her behind her back, and she has no way of knowing what's been said or how bad it is. As she said herself, she now feels she can't trust you. That's what this is really about.

As you suffer from anxiety yourself, surely you can understand how disconcerting this must be for her? Maybe YOU know you've never said anything that bad, but she doesn't know that.

yellowsmileyface · 28/06/2023 08:16

Also, you're lucky she's reassuring you that the friendship isn't over. I think she means that. But you really do have to give her some space.

Maybe you could use this time to reflect on why she might be this upset rather than minimising the situation.

diddl · 28/06/2023 08:23

So did it just come up in the course of a message or did you message him purposely just to tell him what she'd done?

Also how did you word it?

wavingtreetops · 28/06/2023 08:28

yellowsmileyface · 28/06/2023 08:16

Also, you're lucky she's reassuring you that the friendship isn't over. I think she means that. But you really do have to give her some space.

Maybe you could use this time to reflect on why she might be this upset rather than minimising the situation.

I dunno. I said that to a friend who upset me, but in reality I never spoke to him again.
Even if her friend does enter into the friendship, OP prob needs to accept it will never be the same again. The trust is gone.

And OP just doesn’t get this. OP needs to take this as a learning moment not to mock her friends to each other. Your friends are the people you turn to to build you up, not knock you down.

And OP, an apology would look like this ‘ you are right. That was nasty of me. You are right to be hurt by it. I feel bad about how I’ve behaved. I won’t do it again. I really am sorry.’

You can minimize how you’ve behaved to yourself but not to her. She knows how it made her feel.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 28/06/2023 08:33

OP, you are going to have to accept that you did a shit thing, you had ill-intent (how far down the scale is irrelevant) and you got caught out. It’s humbling. But it’s not about you. You upset your friend. Apologise, don’t be defensive, own it and leave her be.

Marchitectmummy · 28/06/2023 08:39

No one wants to feel talked about negatively however minor. It will be hard to recover from this other thsn surface friends I suspect.

Aprilx · 28/06/2023 08:43

I think your comment to the other friend, which was definitely behind her back, was not very nice at all. I am not surprised she is a bit annoyed. I don’t think it is end of friendship type of annoyed, but I think she is entitled to be put out at you speaking about her like that.

Vanillalime · 28/06/2023 09:04

Don’t beat yourself up OP. You made a silly mistake and it sounds like your friend has accepted your apology, but just needs a little bit of time for it not to sting so much.

However I do wonder what response you hoped to illicit from your male friend. It does seem like you wanted to have a giggle at your friends expense which isn’t very nice.

Follow the Triple Filter of Socrates and ask yourself is it true, is it good, is it useful. If the answer to any of those is no, then best not to say (or text) it.

Sparkletastic · 28/06/2023 09:18

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 27/06/2023 10:07

Air fryers bring out the worst in people.

Such an emotive subject.

😂😂😂

Sparkletastic · 28/06/2023 09:20

Give her some space and do some honest self-reflection in the meantime.