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Original poster

Friend is falling out with me and I am upset

77 replies

citygirl1961 · 26/06/2023 21:12

I am hoping for some advice. I made a stupid blunder on Friday night. I message two friends on Facebook regularly, one's a man, the other a woman, we are all friends together. I know they message each other and talk about me (nothing untoward) and I am fine with that.

On Friday my lady friend messaged me to tell me she's ordered an air fryer, something she's always been against, but she said she's got it just for some friends visiting her and she won't use it afterwards. Me and my male friend have always joked about her being against air fryers so I just messaged him to say that she's ordered one, then in one message I just said that it seems daft ordering one just for friends coming if she's going to use it afterwards and she could cook for them in the oven too. Next thing I got a message from her saying 'I know that, be careful who you message'. I had only gone and sent her the message in error.

I replied straight away to apologise and didn't get a reply until today. She said that she feels she can't trust me and I should have told her how I feel before our other friend. I did tell her at the time that I thought it was bit silly buying an air fryer for a friend's visit that she won't use afterwards but she says she is upset by what I have done. She says we are still friends but she won't message me as often as she needs time to get over this.

I am very upset as I don't feel I have said anything offensive. I have reminded her that her and our other friend talk about me in messages but she hasn't responded to that. We are supposed to be booking a holiday next year together as we went away in March this year and really enjoyed it. We have always been good friends and had a laugh together. I do have other friends but I still don't want to lose her friendship over something so trivial. I feel really gutted. Should I just leave her to come round and how do I cope in the meantime?

OP posts:
TeeBee · 28/06/2023 09:40

OP, you refer to it as a 'blunder and an 'error'. It wasn't, it was a purposeful attempt to talk behind your friend's back. Take a look at your own behaviour, not how your friend's reaction to your poor behaviour has made YOU feel. You have acted like a bad friend.

DollyTheFluffyOne · 28/06/2023 09:46

This is what happens when you gossip behind people's backs and they find out. What a trial thing to be discussing behind her back!

DollyTheFluffyOne · 28/06/2023 09:53

Sorry - trivial!

Cosycover · 28/06/2023 10:00

I think you were out of order.

Wonderingifitsjustme · 28/06/2023 10:39

It all sounds a bit odd and how do you know what they say about you? Why don't you all just talk on a group chat instead?

I think what you said about her was unnecessary and does come across as bitchy even if you commented to her that it's silly to buy the air fryer for one visit.

HistoriaSales · 28/06/2023 11:34

This reply has been deleted

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Gwlondon · 28/06/2023 12:10

I think once you see someone else’s mean thoughts about you, you can’t really trust them again. Also unless you are really sorry about it (and able to show it) she will probably think you don’t care about her feelings at all.

A friend did similar and now I think - “why did she waste my time if she didn’t even like me and was only tolerating me?”

Sorry, you have lost the friendship. You feel wretched because you have hurt her and she is taking a stance. You will have to suck it up.

Screwballs · 28/06/2023 12:18

Why do you all have separate chats, why not just set up a three way (CHAT) and be done with it. Then you can talk in front of each others faces if its all so innocent.

You got caught, face it, I have people I know that do that sort of thing so now, if I've owt to tell them, I send a message to the group to avoid gossip.

Original poster
citygirl1961 · 28/06/2023 13:17

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Thank you. Someone whose not just pointing the blame at me. I am not a bitchy person, I have apologised and am aware that she is upset. I don't want to lose her friendship but I do think she's over reacting. The air fryer issue is a banter between all three of us and I'd have thought she'd have seen it like that. I have seen messages between her and my other friend regarding me. They have mainly been concern about me but some of hers were quite critical so we are talking pots and kettles here. Those here who are saying I am making it all about me, I am not. I am merely saying that this has upset me as well as her, I am not disregarding her feelings, I have apologised and feel I have done my bit. I am not justifying my actions to her or anyone else.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 28/06/2023 13:48

The air fryer issue is a banter between all three of us and I'd have thought she'd have seen it like that.

She would have if you'd have said it as banter to her / to both of them, but she understandably sees it as bitchy and not banter because you purposefully said it just to your other mate.

I have seen messages between her and my other friend regarding me.

How? Why are you all seeing each other's private messages to one another? Did the other friend show you messages about you sent to him by the former air fryer hater? If so, what a shit stirrer.

ThunderStormPlease · 28/06/2023 13:51

It'd hardly banter doing it behind her back. That's what someone says when they're caught out on not being very kind "it's just banteeer!" 🤨

Aprilx · 28/06/2023 14:41

citygirl1961 · 28/06/2023 13:17

Thank you. Someone whose not just pointing the blame at me. I am not a bitchy person, I have apologised and am aware that she is upset. I don't want to lose her friendship but I do think she's over reacting. The air fryer issue is a banter between all three of us and I'd have thought she'd have seen it like that. I have seen messages between her and my other friend regarding me. They have mainly been concern about me but some of hers were quite critical so we are talking pots and kettles here. Those here who are saying I am making it all about me, I am not. I am merely saying that this has upset me as well as her, I am not disregarding her feelings, I have apologised and feel I have done my bit. I am not justifying my actions to her or anyone else.

Show quote history

It is not banter when it is behind somebody’s back FFS! And you are definitely a bitchy person and if your friend does similar then she is also a bitchy person, it’s not mutually exclusive. Good lord call this a friendship, you all sound slightly toxic.

Catspyjamas17 · 28/06/2023 14:44

It's just a bit of mild piss taking. I'm sure she will be ok about it.

Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 28/06/2023 14:44

How she feels about you will depend on how much she likes and trusts you. Not much you can do except be as nice as possible.

and learn NOT to talk about others behind their backs. It’s a horrible habit

Qbish · 28/06/2023 14:52

Just own it, OP. Don't start with the "Yes buts" and the "But she did the same thing".

If a person reads a message like that about themselves, they wonder what else their 'friends' have been saying about them behind their back. Because you were obviously very comfortable with sending that message to your other friend.

And if you do apologise, do it properly. Don't say "I'm sorry, but...". As the saying goes, everything before the 'but' is bullshit.

sonjadog · 28/06/2023 14:58

You have been talking about her behind her back. That is unkind and it is hard for a friend to find out. Now she will be thinking about all the other things she has told you and wondering what you have been saying behind her back. She will also be wondering about this in the future.

You are very busy minimizing what you did. You don't need to beat yourself up about it, but sometimes people behave poorly and we hurt other people, and we have to accept that rather than trying to find ways to make it not really as bad as it was. Her feelings are hurt and she is allowed to feel that way, and you should accept that you have caused that hurt. You don't need to keep on apologizing, but give her the space she says she needs to get over it. I am sure she will with a little time. In the meantime, just accept that you messed up and get on with other things. Be pleasant and a good friend to her in future and learn from this not to send unkind messages about others in the future.

I was in your friend's position maybe 10 years ago. My friend apologized sincerely, and after a while we moved on and are as close as we ever were. But it did take a while for me to feel as comfortable telling her things as I had been previously, and while it is long forgiven, I doubt I will ever forget.

BreviloquentBastard · 28/06/2023 14:59

Jesus Christ my 15 year old and her friend group are less dramatic than this. Maybe all of you might consider growing up?

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 28/06/2023 15:08

This actually happened to me last year, when a 'friend' of mine messaged another 'friend' saying 'I think she's in a mood 🤣'... but she sent it to me by mistake ( the comment was about me) The tone of that really upset me, and as someone else said it was also a case of wondering what else they said about me. I didn't feel the same about either of them after that

Mary46 · 28/06/2023 16:11

Maybe time will help. Op I had a fallout with a friend the trust was gone.. takes time I think

ladydimitrescu · 28/06/2023 18:50

Well you clearly can't see you've done anything wrong so I don't really understand the point of the thread.

Original poster
citygirl1961 · 28/06/2023 20:18

monsteramunch · 28/06/2023 13:48

The air fryer issue is a banter between all three of us and I'd have thought she'd have seen it like that.

She would have if you'd have said it as banter to her / to both of them, but she understandably sees it as bitchy and not banter because you purposefully said it just to your other mate.

I have seen messages between her and my other friend regarding me.

How? Why are you all seeing each other's private messages to one another? Did the other friend show you messages about you sent to him by the former air fryer hater? If so, what a shit stirrer.

No my other friend accidentally sent a message to me that was meant for her. No one deliberately shared messages and no one is a shit stirrer as you put it. No need to be rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
citygirl1961 · 28/06/2023 20:23

ladydimitrescu · 28/06/2023 18:50

Well you clearly can't see you've done anything wrong so I don't really understand the point of the thread.

I can see what I've done wrong which is why I apologised and why I feel awful about it. That's the point of the thread, for advice not to be criticised.

OP posts:
WunWun · 28/06/2023 20:29

Her friends talking about her negatively behind her back obviously isn't trivial to her. I think you made the wrong move by trying to justify it to her by saying you haven't said anything offensive and that she does it too. Personally I would go back to her and apologise for saying that and tell her you appreciate that it was hurtful and you regret it.

momonpurpose · 28/06/2023 20:33

It's not trival to her which you don't seem to grasp. I assume you are all early 20's because grown ups don't behave this way. I think you should come to grips with that you lost a friend over an air fryer. In future friendships do not engage in this ridiculous behavior again or be prepared to lose more friends. Hopefully you will learn from this as you get older

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 28/06/2023 21:14

Advice about what though? I am not disregarding her feelings, I have apologised and feel I have done my bit. Unfortunately the act of you apologising doesn't negate her feelings about it and doesn't mean she'll automatically get over however she's feeling. You've already stated you feel she's over reacting.. and you've done your bit.. sooo... it seems like you're just looking for validation to be a bit miffed that she's not replied to you saying everything is hunky dory.

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