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Original poster

He’s left - help decode!

60 replies

Whatislife1845 · 26/06/2023 18:20

My ex fiancé and I split up about 6 weeks ago after 5 years. He broke up with me because he didn't feel 'the spark' anymore and didn't feel he loved me or ever had and didn’t feel I love him. I am 6 months pregnant and we have a 4 year old son together. We own our house together as well. All that to say our lives were very intwined for someone never in love.

We still see each other most days as he comes over to put our son to bed 3 times a week and sometimes works from home from the house. We’ve also done a couple of days out together eg school fayre.

We split amicably, I wanted to try counselling, he didn't so that was that.
Since then he always asks how I am and regularly says 'are you sure, you can talk to me', he notices when things in the house are running out and will buy them for me, he makes jokes about the break up, he teases me and touches me when he's
laughing at me, he often asks if there's anything he can do to help and he'll skip a social event if I say I do need his help. Without any question from me he
tells me about things going on in his life and what he's doing, where he’s going etc. we're very friendly together and constantly laughing. There have been no arguments but we have had conversations re finances and are currently preparing to sell the house.

He always calls rather than texts re arrangement.

Part of me resents him enormously for leaving whilst pregnant and makes me incredibly angry but part of me is desperate for him back. Help! Do you think he's just being kind or he's still interested?

OP posts:
violetcuriosity · 26/06/2023 18:22

Why are you laughing and joking with this dickhead? He's left you while you're pregnant alone with his other child and says he doesn't love you. Sorry but you need to stop making life so easy for him, he's got it both ways right now.

pinklama · 26/06/2023 18:27

he makes jokes about the break up, he teases me and touches me when he's
laughing at me, he often asks if there's anything he can do to help

Is he financially supporting his children and you? Not just topping up supplies.

I suspect he knows he has gone a really shitty thing and is trying to make light of it so it looks like he is not the bad guy in all of this.

he is not been kind or interested-he is a teflon covered prick who is trying to make himself look less of one.

LadyLardy · 26/06/2023 18:32

I agree with both PPs. He's an utter knob, but doesn't want everyone to think it.

He's making it as easy as possible on himself, so that you don't make any waves and he can pretend it was 'mutual' that he abandoned a pregnant woman and toddler.

Find your anger. Make the separation formal. If he's moved out he needs to stay out - not work from 'your' home when he feels like it. Go see a solicitor about separating house and finances.

And don't even consider taking him back. He's shown you who he is. You can and will do better.

HuntingoftheSnark · 26/06/2023 18:35

Decode - he's an absolute wanker who is trying to appear Mr nice guy. Stop making it so easy for him, put firm boundaries in place and don't let him have it both ways.

ItWasntMyFault · 26/06/2023 18:38

I agree with the others, he's trying to come across as Mr Nice Guy so people don't think bad of him and you agree with whatever he wants.
Start putting yourself and the children first.

idliketogetdownnow · 26/06/2023 19:04

Sorry to be crass but he could be in a great, happy, caring mood because he is now having regular sex with someone else.

I would not be playing along with this charade if I were you. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Is he paying you maintenance?

Shapemyeyebrows · 26/06/2023 19:26

@Whatislife1845 wow, I think you are reading this all backwards. He clearly has someone else and I bet he can’t believe he’s got it so good right now! He is able to break up with you, quietly see someone else whilst still maintaining “family life” with a laughy and jokey pregnant ex! The things you are reading into such as him asking if you’re ok most likely stem from a guilty conscience and also the fact he’s walked out on his pregnant partner with no urge to try. It reads as though you are in a bit of denial and unfortunately I think you are going to come crashing down to reality very soon where he is concerned. So I hope for your sake you start to concentrate more on you and your kids and less on him. He is clearly playing with your feelings. (And has someone else!!)

BananaSpanner · 26/06/2023 19:31

Why aren’t you more pissed off??!! He’s left you whilst pregnant, dismissed your entire relationship but is keeping you close in case the current fling (and there definitely is a current fling) doesn’t work out.

Put some boundaries in place, aside from anything your poor 4 year old must be so confused. Don’t let him have his cake and eat it.

Beaverbridge · 26/06/2023 19:40

Yes like others have said there's someone in the background. He's playing the "married bachelor" type. When she's not available he's coming round to you playing happy families. Time to put him straight. He's happy and joking cos he thinks he's so smart. I'd see a solicitor if I was you.

Anaemiafog · 26/06/2023 19:45

You're selling the house with a four year old and pregnant? Do you have somewhere to go? No wonder he's being nice. What a complete prick.

MsDogLady · 26/06/2023 22:33

@Whatislife1845, it’s likely that he is investing elsewhere while keeping you sweet. You’re being manipulated so he can smell like a rose to everyone — you, OW, family, friends and himself.

He has rewritten history and trashed you and your children, and is now using your hope and love to fuel his Good Guy validation. It sounds like you’re doing the pick-me dance by being amenable to his inappropriate, blurred boundaries. You are sabotaging your recovery.

My advice is to find your anger and stop colluding in his cake eating agenda. Distance yourself by setting strong boundaries. He needs to have contact with DS outside the home. No more working there, hanging out together, teasing and touching. Use email to make contact arrangements.

@Whatislife1845, you can’t heal until you really are separated, and the current set-up will only confuse little DS. He needs to establish a stable routine with each of you.

Regarding the upcoming birth, who will be with you? Surely not your exP who has abandoned you.

SpringleDingle · 26/06/2023 22:38

Agree with all the above… He’s a cunt and pretending to be decent because it suits him… find your rage!

SunflowerTed · 26/06/2023 22:41

Can’t believe you are so accepting. He is obviously sticking his
dick in someone else

fruitbrewhaha · 26/06/2023 22:44

How can you be so nice to this fucker?

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/06/2023 23:00

Just what the others are saying. Why on earth are you being nice to this complete and utter twat?

My guess is that he has met someone, and he is trying to impress her and make her think that he's wonderful guy, instead of a really awful one who has abandoned his pregnant wife.

And why are you letting him work from your home? Seriously, get some boundaries.

Yiayi · 26/06/2023 23:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

pavillion1 · 26/06/2023 23:11

why are you agreeing to sell the house ?

FurElsie · 26/06/2023 23:16

He doesn't love you and left you but wants things to be easy . Very tough for you, but don't have false hope, make space to be independent for your own peace of mind 💕

Inuno · 26/06/2023 23:20

Really ? You have a 4 year old and an un born child and you’re asking if ‘ he’s just being kind or he’s really interested ‘ ? Ffs !

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 26/06/2023 23:29

He’s given you the script: he absolutely has another woman, and is rewriting his history with you to make it ok in his eyes for him to abandon you, because if he never loved you then he can’t be blamed for moving on, can he.

PPs are right - he’s enjoying having her and the thought of you as well, and making himself look like the good guy.

no decent man tells his pregnant partner he never loved her.

PaigeMatthews · 27/06/2023 04:57

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 26/06/2023 23:29

He’s given you the script: he absolutely has another woman, and is rewriting his history with you to make it ok in his eyes for him to abandon you, because if he never loved you then he can’t be blamed for moving on, can he.

PPs are right - he’s enjoying having her and the thought of you as well, and making himself look like the good guy.

no decent man tells his pregnant partner he never loved her.

This.

he isnt being kind. He is keeping you single for his needs.

put up firmer boundaries. No he doesnt work from there. He takes the child to his when he sees them.

StopStartStop · 27/06/2023 05:02

So, this bloke leaves you when you're six-months gone, quoting from The Script that he never loved you. His other woman will come out of the woodwork eventually.

Get angry. You have two babies to support. Start sorting out a life without him. Set some clear boundaries about his visits etc and make the child support official.

Are you having sex with him? Quite often men who leave their partners want to keep the sexual relationship going. Say no.

inappropriateraspberry · 27/06/2023 06:34

So he gets to play happy families when it suits, then leave and live life as a single man? Talk about having your cake and eating it!
You need to make this a clean break up, your 4 year old must be very confused seeing mum & dad together, but not together. Does your ex ever have your child at his, or does he always see her at your house?

MintJulia · 27/06/2023 06:38

idliketogetdownnow · 26/06/2023 19:04

Sorry to be crass but he could be in a great, happy, caring mood because he is now having regular sex with someone else.

I would not be playing along with this charade if I were you. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Is he paying you maintenance?

This.

What are you thinking? See a solicitor, change the locks. He's left you. Stop playing his nasty little game.

yellowsmileyface · 27/06/2023 08:41

The breakup was very recent. Understandably you're not over it yet. However even if he did come crawling back, you deserve better than to settle for someone who doesn't appreciate you when he has you.

He comes across very disrespectful and insensitive, joking about the breakup whilst you're still hurting. It sounds like he's selfishly trying to make light of the situation so he doesn't seem like such a bad guy. His behaviour seems very self serving.

I think it'd be good for you to have a bit more distance from him. Keep things civil and focused on co-parenting, but stop being so friendly with him. It'll make it impossible to move on.