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Original poster

He’s left - help decode!

60 replies

Whatislife1845 · 26/06/2023 18:20

My ex fiancé and I split up about 6 weeks ago after 5 years. He broke up with me because he didn't feel 'the spark' anymore and didn't feel he loved me or ever had and didn’t feel I love him. I am 6 months pregnant and we have a 4 year old son together. We own our house together as well. All that to say our lives were very intwined for someone never in love.

We still see each other most days as he comes over to put our son to bed 3 times a week and sometimes works from home from the house. We’ve also done a couple of days out together eg school fayre.

We split amicably, I wanted to try counselling, he didn't so that was that.
Since then he always asks how I am and regularly says 'are you sure, you can talk to me', he notices when things in the house are running out and will buy them for me, he makes jokes about the break up, he teases me and touches me when he's
laughing at me, he often asks if there's anything he can do to help and he'll skip a social event if I say I do need his help. Without any question from me he
tells me about things going on in his life and what he's doing, where he’s going etc. we're very friendly together and constantly laughing. There have been no arguments but we have had conversations re finances and are currently preparing to sell the house.

He always calls rather than texts re arrangement.

Part of me resents him enormously for leaving whilst pregnant and makes me incredibly angry but part of me is desperate for him back. Help! Do you think he's just being kind or he's still interested?

OP posts:
Mischance · 27/06/2023 08:43

If you can retain good relations at least on the surface then this will be the best for your children.

I am sorry that he has done this to you.

Whattodowithit88 · 27/06/2023 08:48

His fucking someone else but keeping you close incase it doesn’t work out with them.

Open up your eyes!

catsnhats11 · 27/06/2023 08:57

The bit that jumped out was about you agreeing to sell the house and you say it's the one thing you have discussed - of course it is.

He's keeping you sweet till you sell the house.

Even if he tried to force the sale he's struggle to get this agreed with a small child and baby on the way and you (presumably) being the primary carer, his finances could potentially be tied to this house for a long time...

If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, ask him straight: is there any future for us to work things out or have you moved on, insist on a straight answer, keeping you in limbo isn't fair, and if he refuses, that is your answer.

YoSof · 27/06/2023 09:11

He’s being kind to ease his guilt and so you are agreeable to whatever he wants.

Do not agree to anything without speaking to a solicitor. Is he paying CM?

Caramellois · 27/06/2023 09:21

When he has walked out on you when you are six months pregnant with a four years on the basis that he "never" loved you and doesn't love you now, why aren't you having fantasies about ripping his gonads off?

ringsaglitter · 27/06/2023 09:29

Honestly, and I'm really sorry to say this because it will hurt like hell when you do catch up on this - he's seeing someone else. I am in complete agreement with everyone else here on this - and have life experience on my side to have seen this enough times

He's come to realise he doesn't love you because he's invested elsewhere, and he's able to get along with you because....he's invested elsewhere

I'd wager a lot of money on him seeing someone else. Guys don't usually (exceptions do exist of course) jump ship into the ocean. They jump onto another ship

Bluebells1970 · 27/06/2023 09:36

You need to toughen up here. He's treated you horrendously, and there you are still playing happy families.

There is no such thing is amicable when someone walks out on their pregnant partner. I would get yourself to a solicitor, put firm arrangements in place for him having his son and not when you're around/at home because he lost that right the moment he walked out the door.

And sadly there is highly likely to be another woman here. Presume the worst.

LemonTT · 27/06/2023 09:37

There isn’t much to decode. He has said and acted on what he wants to happen. He doesn’t want to get married and he doesn’t want to live with you. Whatever the reason why, it means he is not the right life partner for you. Being on your own or finding someone who does want these things are better options.

However you will still spend the next few decades being parents of two children you both created and who you are responsible for. They don’t deserve a life with two parents at each others throats who are angry and bitter. Never mind that a life lived in bitterness is no life at all.

But they also deserve better than to have two separated parents who are flirting and circling each other without any boundaries. This is going to cause a problem at some point when expectations are dashed. Then you will fall out and co parenting will be difficult.

My strong advice is to think about how you can put boundaries in place that reflect your actual relationship, which is separated co parents. You don’t need to be friends or confidants and you don’t really need to spend time together. He needs to learn how to parent on his own and in his own way. He is not an uncle and you are not his nanny.

Blossomed · 27/06/2023 09:42

I agree with previous posters re. him having his cake and eating it. Sadly, he is keeping you sweet/stringing you along. This allows him to manipulate the situation in his favour and prevents you from moving on.
Please speak to a solicitor before you proceed with selling the house. The wellbeing and future of you and your children are priority, not this guy.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you ❤

Prelapsarianhag · 27/06/2023 09:44

Kick the evil bastard out of your home. Let him feel the cold wind blowing.

WorkOfArt · 27/06/2023 09:46

Well he’s having a great time isn’t he? Dumping his child and pregnant partner but calling around having a laugh and a joke. Don’t fall for it. Sorry op.

JeminaSunshine · 27/06/2023 09:46

What?? Sighing and joking while he's more than likely fucking someone else?

Absolutely not. Where's your boundaries? This cunt has left you pregnant with a toddler. He doesn't deserve your company.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 27/06/2023 09:48

He broke up with me because he didn't feel 'the spark' anymore and didn't feel he loved me or ever had and didn’t feel I love him. I am 6 months pregnant and we have a 4 year old son together

How dare he behave like that around you? Laughing and joking and deliberately keeping you dangling for an ego boost, knowing full-fucking well that you’re as vulnerable as you’ll ever be right now?

Utter cunt. I suspect his wishy washy excuses are really ‘my eye wandered’.

Cut him out. Set boundaries. Make a claim for maintenance.

JauntyJinty · 27/06/2023 10:14

So he gets to play happy familys with you when he fancies it and act single the rest of the time?

musixa · 27/06/2023 10:20

Do you think he's just being kind or he's still interested?

He's clearly not 'still interested' or he wouldn't have left you. Stop deluding yourself and draw up some boundaries.

Ofcourseshecan · 27/06/2023 10:36

OP, this selfish irresponsible piece of shit is just keeping you sweet while he gets you out of the house. Don’t let your house be sold — you need to keep your home for yourself and DC.

Get onto CMS. Make sure he pays the highest possible rate, because a man who dumps the pregnant mother of his child won’t hesitate to try to swindle you out of the money your children are entitled to.

He is not in any way good or decent or caring. Don’t give him any more chances to hurt you.

huntingcunting · 27/06/2023 10:49

Cherchez la femme.

Sorry OP, but there will be another woman involved here and he's keeping you sweet in case it doesn't work out with her.
It's the classic script.

He shouldn't be working from your home. He left so he needs to work elsewhere.
Stop entertaining this piece of shit.
Don't answer his calls. Correspond by text only. Tell him he can't work from your home anymore
Go and see a solicitor to make sure he doesn't rip you off with the house sale.
Get the child maintenance process started.
Don't put up with any more shit. He's manipulating you and playing Mr Nice Guy and that's always dangerous because these are the snakes in the grass who play funny beggars with child maintenance and so on.

OhBling · 27/06/2023 13:12

Usually, men behave like this in situations like this for one or more of the following reasons:

  1. He knows he's been a complete dick but doesn't want to look bad in the eyes of family/friends/colleagues/community. If you can keep it all friendly and amicable etc, he gets to say, "oh, it's fine, Whatislife and I have a great relationship these days - I was just there fixing her tap for her. We're brilliant friends and this is best for everyone."
  2. He's in a relationship with someone else, or plans to be. This super friendly approach is designed to a) prevent you from kicking off completely when it all comes out, "but Whatislife - we broke up and it's been fine. You know this is best and we're still best friends." and b) to keep you sweet in case the grass is NOT in fact greener on the other side.
  3. He is worried that he will have to give you more money than he is willing to and wants to keep it so friendly you won't feel comfortable pushing for more (or even, what you're entitled to).

Tell him to stop. He's a selfish arse who has broken your heart. He can arrange to see the DC as per whatever agreement you have in place, should be paying maintenance an support and you can talk to your lawyer about the split of assets.

WANKER

Aprilx · 27/06/2023 15:32

I would concur with the majority, that he is neither being nice nor is he still interested. I mean if he was still interested he wouldn’t have split up with you.

I think he is “being nice” for two reasons only, one so that he can present this as a mutual thing so he won’t look like such an arse for leaving a pregnant partner. And the other reason, is he is keeping you on side whilst a house sale is sorted. On that point, why are you agreeing to this when you are six months pregnant. Refuse and make him go to court to try and force a sale.

Original poster
Whatislife1845 · 27/06/2023 15:45

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all your points.

Im agreeing to a house sale so I can live closer to my friends and family and have better support when the baby comes - where I live now I moved to for his benefit.

He is currently living in an HMO so can’t have our son over night or round really during the day so can only put him to bed in my house. That being said, he’s lousy at the weekends and does about 3/4 hours on a Sunday where he takes him out.

I think my problem is I have so much fear of screwing my children up and making them resent me for enforcing boundaries (I know this is ridiculous and boundaries will benefit us all) that I’m just too kind to him. I think I also have a lot of fear of being hated by him (again ridiculous).

I will be a bit more forceful but at the moment I honestly don’t think he’s capable of doing anything better.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 27/06/2023 15:45

Not a lot of decoding here. He's left. Whatever he does after that, you need to be the one who makes sure that he never gets a look in again regarding having anything more than a platonic relationship with you.

Take responsibility for yourself: you don't want a partner who might up and leave at any given moment, then come back at will. Your child doesn't want a father who is there one minute and gone the next. And then back.

So it's over. You could have a chat with him and tell him that. Spell it out. 'You do know that there's no chance that I'd ever take you back in any romantic or sexual way, don't you? You've done too much damage.' He won't be expecting that. Watch his response. It'll tell you the answer to your puzzling.

Watchkeys · 27/06/2023 15:48

I think my problem is I have so much fear of screwing my children up and making them resent me for enforcing boundaries

You will screw your children up by allowing a come-and-go-as-I-please merchant to have a primary position in their lives.

Original poster
Whatislife1845 · 27/06/2023 15:54

Watchkeys · 27/06/2023 15:48

I think my problem is I have so much fear of screwing my children up and making them resent me for enforcing boundaries

You will screw your children up by allowing a come-and-go-as-I-please merchant to have a primary position in their lives.

I know I just need to action it now

OP posts:
MagicBullet · 27/06/2023 16:01

OhBling · 27/06/2023 13:12

Usually, men behave like this in situations like this for one or more of the following reasons:

  1. He knows he's been a complete dick but doesn't want to look bad in the eyes of family/friends/colleagues/community. If you can keep it all friendly and amicable etc, he gets to say, "oh, it's fine, Whatislife and I have a great relationship these days - I was just there fixing her tap for her. We're brilliant friends and this is best for everyone."
  2. He's in a relationship with someone else, or plans to be. This super friendly approach is designed to a) prevent you from kicking off completely when it all comes out, "but Whatislife - we broke up and it's been fine. You know this is best and we're still best friends." and b) to keep you sweet in case the grass is NOT in fact greener on the other side.
  3. He is worried that he will have to give you more money than he is willing to and wants to keep it so friendly you won't feel comfortable pushing for more (or even, what you're entitled to).

Tell him to stop. He's a selfish arse who has broken your heart. He can arrange to see the DC as per whatever agreement you have in place, should be paying maintenance an support and you can talk to your lawyer about the split of assets.

WANKER

⬆️⬆️⬆️
THAT with huge bells on

Channellingsophistication · 27/06/2023 16:05

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Him saying he has been unhappy /didnt love you etc is, as others have said, all part of the script he is telling to make himself feel better. He is probably living a great life of freedom of the single life. Time with the family to make him look like a nice guy when he wants to! Then he can go home and leave you to the hard work …. He may well have met someone else, or have his sights on someone. Men don’t usually leave without having someone else to go to….

I think you need to find your anger. He has done a terrible thing to you.

but you will be fine without him you really will