He suggested that we are over.

[ThisHurtsBad]

I have name changed for this.
DH and I have struggled a bit recently. He can really tantrum when we fall out and do things like bang stuff, slam drawers etc and throw things on the floor etc.
this afternoon we had a ( what I think) mild disagreement.
I was busy getting stuff done before I had to go to work, the house is so busy this time of day and tbh I can’t leave things for him to do as he doesn’t do them and then I have to do it all late when I get home.
I was in the middle of doing something when he stood next to me and said no and stopped me doing what I was doing, I said ‘just a min’ and finished it (5 secs) he whinged and got moody and when I turned to him, he said he needed a hug. I gave him a hug and said, I will always give you time if you just give me a sec to finish what I am doing.
He then raised his voice and said ‘well couldn’t you have stopped that and given me your attention’
I admit I got defensive and said, I was in the middle of this and you could see I had almost finished, you could have waited the few seconds.
He started banging stuff around the house, slamming drawers In the kitchen and threw his food in the bin.
the kids were looking at me so I shouted in, can you please stop banging stuff and before I could settle the kids and go talk to him, he came over to me, slammed his wedding ring down and said ‘I think this should be reconsidered, don’t you?’ And stormed out of the room.
I was so shocked that I started laughing. I didn’t mean to but it completely floored me and it just came out ( like that weird laugh/cry type thing).

he has had tantrums like this before but never to this extent. I have no idea what I am going to do.
we have occasionally had an arguement but not that often. I put the ring on the bookshelf and went back to the kids.
he then came back over and said ‘oh, I won’t be putting that in a safe place then will I?’.
I explained it was on the bookshelf, grabbed my stuff, kissed the kids by and left.
im still stunned.

i think you're faced with a situation where your partner is heading towards a break up - its probably not just this situation, but you're both were definitely in the wrong here

I'd wait and see what happens when you get home and go from there. It could be real or an idle threat.

However he must do something about his anger. It is damaging for him to show your children the slamming about and throwing things behaviours when he gets upset and not agreed with. That is just not on.

I was just scrolling mumsnet on a break and I don’t want to give a too quick/meaningless reply, but he sounds exactly like my ex husband who since having proper therapy I’ve realised was a narcissistic abuser. The word narcissist may or may not be being overused these days, but from even those small examples it really pinged something in my mind. Even if it could be said he isn’t a narcissist, he’s abusing you. You and your kids don’t deserve to live like this. Since my ex husband left, his ‘manageable’ nastiness has taken us all a long time to adjust to not being around. I realised that I had been a nervous wreck so long that my body had adjusted to it as normal. Look into leaving.

Hang on, this is because you made him wait five seconds for a hug? Like a toddler wanting "up"?

He honestly sounds unbearable

He seems to have a lot of anger coming from somewhere, his behaviour is completely irrational over something so trivial

I have the same question as I'm really not sure how OP is is equally in the wrong on this one!!

What did the OP do wrong?

There is clearly something going on with him that probably has very little to do with you. His behaviour is alarming and awful.

I wouldn't feel very safe and secure around him at the moment (emotionally rather than physically) and I might ask him to stay away for a couple of days until he can work out what it is, grow up and have an adult conversation.

I'm sorry. This sounds really rough.

I'll elaborate:

Yes, he is definitely the worse party because his behaviour was childish and immature. However, OP did say he had these tantrums before and her reaction to his frustration was to laugh at him.

There is clearly something deeper going on and emotionally stable people don't throw a tantrum when refused a hug. We obviously don't know why he was so desperate for this hug, but a conversation about his behaviour should have taken place earlier

The laugh was clearly shock, @PaintedEgg. She wasn't laughing AT him, she was shocked at his ridiculous reaction and that's how it came out.

This can happen to me too.

I didn’t say I have often laughed at him, I didn’t laugh at him, I started nervous/ cry laughing , as I explained. It was shock not mocking him.

I laugh when I am really shocked or faced with aggression, I literally can't help it as it is an emotional reaction to fear and confusion, I don't think this makes the OP in the wrong.

He sounds like a big man baby.

@ThisHurtsBad but from a point of view of someone who is already in a midst of tantrum seeing your partner laugh and leave is probably even more upsetting

im not saying he was right to act this way, he was not - but just like you dont know what got into him, he may not know why you acted the way you did

something is clearly up with him, probably as someone said it has nothing to do with you, but he wanted a hug, didnt get one and had a literal meltdown

a charged reaction like this is VERY serious, him implying he wants to leave is probably not the core of the problem.

I think I would have laughed as well op, but not in the nervous-shock way, more in the look-at-this-manbaby-being-a-tosser way. He is no example to your children.

Sounds like it’s been over for him for a while (all the passive aggressive slamming of stuff) and he doesn’t know how to broach the subject with you like an adult.

What are you going to do when you go back?

HOW? In what universe are they both in the wrong? Because OP didn't immediately drop everything she was doing to give her husband the hug he was demanding?

Grown adults throwing temper tantrums is such an ick, I can barely cope with it from toddlers and teens.

when adults act like this its either because they are immature by nature or heading towards a breakdown

if this is somewhat new but repeated behaviour then it could be the latter - not a conversation to have in the morning but one that has to happen

So, to recap: you were busy running around doing tasks and looking after the DC because, if you leave it to be done while you're at work, it will not get done?

Then, he wanted your attention in the form of a hug, for no particular reason, and wanted this hug while you were in the middle of doing something. In effect, he expected you to "prove" that you loved him by dropping everything for him.

And THEN, he threw a complete OTT tantrum and threatened your entire relationship because you dared to suggest that perhaps he could have waited 5 seconds for the hug?

I'd laugh in shock and surprise myself OP except that I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm guessing he doesn't like you doing anything that isn't focused on him? Does he claim to be super insecure and therefore need constant reassurance from you, including "proof" that you haven't talked to other men or gone somewhere "inappropriate." When you are a bit irritated does he pull the "I'm just such a terrible person and no one can love me" card so that you start to reassure him!?

Me neither. If my partner or I want a hug we wait until the other has finished what they're doing. If we're told, "Just a sec," we accept it because, yanno, we're adults!

I think if I’d watched an adult man behaving like a toddler I’d laugh in astonishment too. If this is how he handles any kind of conflict or disagreement I think he’s doing you a favour to be honest OP

Oh, so it was a "I am Important Here. So Stop what you are doing and pay me some attention Immediately' was it?

He's an immature demanding shit. Call his bluff and tell him okay, sod off then.

I recognise paintedegg's username - they have fork for this kind of craziness and gas lighting.

He sounds like more of a child than your kids.

The "tantrums" are a form.of domestic abuse.

Actually yes to all of the above.
he accused me of hiding my phone from him so he couldn’t see what I was doing, we were sat eating dinner so I clicked my phone open and gave it to him and said look at whatever you like, I’ve nothing to hide at all.
he often upset if we disagree on something, especially disciplining the children. I like a more talkative and reflective approach to behaviour that isn’t good, he would rather shout and make demands. When we disagree about this ( in private, not in front of the kids) he gets quite shouty and says things like ‘ I’m just a moody bastard/ miserable c**t etc.
he often says he’s afraid of losing me and asks why I am with him and says things like ‘because im such a fuck up and bring nothing to the table’. He needs a lot of reassurance to calm down, words of affirmation and praise when he does something for our family like domestic chores etc.
tbh it is exhausting. I think we need therapy.

He sounds like a three year old. It's all about him isn't it? What do you want?