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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He suggested that we are over.

71 replies

ThisHurtsBad · 26/06/2023 16:12

I have name changed for this.
DH and I have struggled a bit recently. He can really tantrum when we fall out and do things like bang stuff, slam drawers etc and throw things on the floor etc.
this afternoon we had a ( what I think) mild disagreement.
I was busy getting stuff done before I had to go to work, the house is so busy this time of day and tbh I can’t leave things for him to do as he doesn’t do them and then I have to do it all late when I get home.
I was in the middle of doing something when he stood next to me and said no and stopped me doing what I was doing, I said ‘just a min’ and finished it (5 secs) he whinged and got moody and when I turned to him, he said he needed a hug. I gave him a hug and said, I will always give you time if you just give me a sec to finish what I am doing.
He then raised his voice and said ‘well couldn’t you have stopped that and given me your attention’
I admit I got defensive and said, I was in the middle of this and you could see I had almost finished, you could have waited the few seconds.
He started banging stuff around the house, slamming drawers In the kitchen and threw his food in the bin.
the kids were looking at me so I shouted in, can you please stop banging stuff and before I could settle the kids and go talk to him, he came over to me, slammed his wedding ring down and said ‘I think this should be reconsidered, don’t you?’ And stormed out of the room.
I was so shocked that I started laughing. I didn’t mean to but it completely floored me and it just came out ( like that weird laugh/cry type thing).

he has had tantrums like this before but never to this extent. I have no idea what I am going to do.
we have occasionally had an arguement but not that often. I put the ring on the bookshelf and went back to the kids.
he then came back over and said ‘oh, I won’t be putting that in a safe place then will I?’.
I explained it was on the bookshelf, grabbed my stuff, kissed the kids by and left.
im still stunned.

OP posts:

yipeeyiyay · 26/06/2023 21:40

Yes, he is definitely the worse party because his behaviour was childish and immature. However, OP did say he had these tantrums before and her reaction to his frustration was to laugh at him.

The op says it just came out as a weird laughing crying sound and you think that makes her in the wrong? Our shocked reactions to crazy behaviour do not mean we have done anything wrong.

Rainrainstayawaytilseptember · 26/06/2023 21:41

He could be imo prepping you to hear he has cheated. You obviously don't understand him blah blah. She does...he was lonely.
.

yipeeyiyay · 26/06/2023 21:42

PaintedEgg · 26/06/2023 16:39

@ThisHurtsBad but from a point of view of someone who is already in a midst of tantrum seeing your partner laugh and leave is probably even more upsetting

im not saying he was right to act this way, he was not - but just like you dont know what got into him, he may not know why you acted the way you did

something is clearly up with him, probably as someone said it has nothing to do with you, but he wanted a hug, didnt get one and had a literal meltdown

a charged reaction like this is VERY serious, him implying he wants to leave is probably not the core of the problem.

So if it wasn't a shocked laugh/cry reaction and was just a cry reaction would you still be putting blame on the op? What if it was a scream? Or a faint? God forbid we react with emotion when someone behaves badly towards us. Are you an automaton?

OhBling · 26/06/2023 21:48

Pretty classic behaviour. I guess every time.he does something you don't like you either land up exploding at him and YOU are then the bad person or you have to then reassure him he's not a bad person and nothing is his fault?

Covert narcissism. The bundy book describes him as the victim. Read it.

I am sorry you are doing with this. If.you ever do decide to get rid of him.for.good, it will be hard. But perhaps start thinking about what that might look like ans what your options are.

Seebit · 26/06/2023 21:51

He sounds a bit of a dickhead to be honest OP. Why do you pander to it? Call his bluff.

coodawoodashooda · 26/06/2023 21:53

theWarOnPeace · 26/06/2023 16:20

I was just scrolling mumsnet on a break and I don’t want to give a too quick/meaningless reply, but he sounds exactly like my ex husband who since having proper therapy I’ve realised was a narcissistic abuser. The word narcissist may or may not be being overused these days, but from even those small examples it really pinged something in my mind. Even if it could be said he isn’t a narcissist, he’s abusing you. You and your kids don’t deserve to live like this. Since my ex husband left, his ‘manageable’ nastiness has taken us all a long time to adjust to not being around. I realised that I had been a nervous wreck so long that my body had adjusted to it as normal. Look into leaving.

Yeah. Snap

Jk987 · 26/06/2023 21:57

Add to all of this the fact that you said you do all the chores because he doesn't. Stop doing the chores.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/06/2023 22:21

He sounds quite emotionally fucked up.

You need to get him out of there before he does the same to your kids. Sorry to be blunt but don't think they aren't being affected just because they are young. I'm 60 and still have trauma from all of the arguing and bickering when I was a pre-schooler. It had a major adverse effect on my life.

PaintedEgg · 26/06/2023 22:26

Ejismyf · 26/06/2023 21:15

@PaintedEgg did you actually start trying to make excuses to defend an adult having a tantrum because they didn't get huggies straight away when they demanded 😆

i didnt make an excuse - ive pointed out that this tantrum (calling it what it was - a good old child-level meltdown) probably was not cause by that one off delayed hug

PaintedEgg · 26/06/2023 22:29

yipeeyiyay · 26/06/2023 21:42

Show quote history

im generally pretty awful when people act out, but i am then able to say that my reaction sucked too and may have winded them up

to me it seemed like OP was concerned with the fact that he is implying he wants to leave, not that he seems to be on a verge of some sort of breakdown, literally having meltdowns over not getting a hug

whether she wants to deal with it (and how) is another matter (and she would be justified in nope-ing the hell out of that situation), but in that moment her reaction probably winded him up further

uncomfortablydumb53 · 26/06/2023 22:52

You don't need therapy...He can organise his when he leaves
This must be exhausting and the DC will pick this up even if you think they're fine
You'll be so much happier without him

FiddleLeaf · 26/06/2023 23:03

I gave him a hug and said, I will always give you time if you just give me a sec to finish what I am doing.

Is he a small child? The tantrums, demanding attention… are you getting anything out of this marriage?

kdeed · 26/06/2023 23:08

Domestic abuse, controlling the situation, gaslighting to make you think you are the one in the wrong, having you walk on eggshells because you didn't do as he said I clocked all of this and knew there would be more at the end accusing you of hiding phone etc it only ever gets worse please put yours and your children's lives first

ArcaneWireless · 26/06/2023 23:14

Tell him that you have thought about what he said about your marriage and he’s right. You have considered it and it is time for him to go.

BackAgainstWall · 26/06/2023 23:15

It sounds like you’re married to a complete baby.

Hats off to you for putting up with such an utterly needy insecure man, and your poor DCs having to witness it.

You must have have the patience of a saint 💐

SammyScrounge · 26/06/2023 23:35

PaintedEgg · 26/06/2023 16:31

I'll elaborate:

Yes, he is definitely the worse party because his behaviour was childish and immature. However, OP did say he had these tantrums before and her reaction to his frustration was to laugh at him.

There is clearly something deeper going on and emotionally stable people don't throw a tantrum when refused a hug. We obviously don't know why he was so desperate for this hug, but a conversation about his behaviour should have taken place earlier

Show quote history

The OP laughed 'accidentally ', a not uncommon reaction to an unbearably tense situation which ends in a ridiculously dramatic way. She has done nothing wrong except perhaps to tolerate a toddler for a husband.

AubadeIsIt · 27/06/2023 00:29

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 26/06/2023 19:37

Jesus wept. He sounds utterly insufferable.

Not only is his behaviour utterly shit and inadequate, you have to do everything because he simply won’t do it.

I guarantee your life would be so much better without him ruining it.

This. You won't believe how much less tiring your life will be without this shit in it.

Papajonny · 27/06/2023 05:42

I’m sorry you and your husband are experiencing some hardship. It can be challenging to handle disagreements and emotional outbursts in a relationship. I may provide the following broad recommendations that might be helpful to you:

Honest dialogue.
Look for a peaceful, non-confrontational moment to sit down with your husband and discuss your relationship. Inform him of your worries and emotions, and urge him to do the same. It’s essential to have effective communication to comprehend one another’s viewpoints.

Look for expert assistance.
Take marriage counseling or couples therapy as examples. A qualified therapist may offer advice, assist you in exploring the underlying problems, and instruct you in effective communication and conflict-resolution techniques. Additionally, they can help control rage and develop healthy ways to vent.

Security first.
Prioritize your safety if your husband’s outbursts turn violent or endanger either of you if they become physically aggressive. When this occurs, consider contacting a nearby helpline or support group for suggestions on handling the circumstance. You may also want to check out this post.
10 Ways to Eliminate Toxic Relationships

PaigeMatthews · 27/06/2023 05:54

Goldbar · 26/06/2023 19:41

He doesn't sound like a partner, he sounds like a burden.

This. He sounds absolutely awful. Controlling. Creating a traumatic upbringing for the children.

time to consider taking you ring off too and agreeing with you. I will guarantee you he will hit the roof. Him removing his ring was a threat to you to do as he wants immediately.

Shoxfordian · 27/06/2023 06:14

Take him at his word and tell him you want a divorce; he sounds exhausting and abusive

theWarOnPeace · 27/06/2023 13:29

I understand the sentiment behind suggestions of couples therapy, but his behaviour is abusive. It is not recommended to attend therapy with your abuser. Therapy by yourself to understand your own patterns and why you’ve ended up with an abusive person will help you find the pathway out, and to validate how shitty it feels being on the receiving end of his nastiness.

He needs his own therapy, but I wouldn’t be expecting him to engage with it or even actually to agree to it. I also don’t believe, even if he started intensive therapy tomorrow, it would resolve his issues quickly enough to save you and your children from further trauma.

To resurrect the old mumsnet phrase, OP - get your ducks in a row.

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