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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says no to spliting up

59 replies

babysteps1 · 26/06/2023 13:24

I told my husband I wanted us to seperate. Last month. Our marriage has been really not happy for years..

The worst discussion I've ever done I got ill from the stress before the chat.

He found the chat very difficult, and said he didn't agree with me. It was a really bad conversation, he said about suicide.

But since then, he's pretended the chat didn't happen.

It is my fault that I didn't take action after the chat, but I wanted to give him time to work on his feelings.

But it means I need to have horrinble chat all over again, and I don't know if I can be brave enough again

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 26/06/2023 13:26

The suicide threat is there to stop you doing what you want to and to make you stay with him in an unhappy marriage. It's part of the script that some men follow when they feel they're losing control.

Do you work? Can you afford to just move out?

maranella · 26/06/2023 13:27

Okay, so you have a horrible marriage and he's an emotional blackmailer - I can see why you want to split up!

OP, have you spoken to a solicitor? If not, make an appointment now so you can get an idea of the process, the timescale and in order to get the legal ball rolling. You don't have to have the conversation again - you've told him your intentions.

gamerchick · 26/06/2023 13:28

Yeah the suicide threat is to keep you in line and it's worked hasnt it?

You need to get your business in order, get a plan and then tell him again that you both need to talk about what splitting up looks like.

Are you wanting him to leave?

pippinsleftleg · 26/06/2023 13:28

You don’t need to have the chat again.

You’ve had the chat now start taking action. See a solicitor, etc and get the ball rolling.

FloweryWowery · 26/06/2023 13:29

You don't need to have the chat again. He's not going to suddenly see your point of view and happily agree to seperate. You do not need his permission. Get on with what you need to do to seperate. He's an adult and responsible for his own life.

Gettingbysomehow · 26/06/2023 13:30

Don't bother talking to him, get the divorce papers started online and give them to him. Suicide talk is always just that....talk. Take no notice.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 26/06/2023 13:30

Don't start the chat again, just carry it on. So when your ready say further to out chat about separating I now think i/we/you should start looking for somewhere else to live. Or I'm starting to sort the house out ready for when we go, is their anything in particular you want then just start doing it. Don't ask just tell him. If he mentions suicide, be supportive but don't back down. Say you understand he's upset and your willing to take him to the doctor/mates/parents/sibblings but that's all you can do. Then just start telling people and start planning your future. Good luck

MintJulia · 26/06/2023 13:30

If you are struggling even to have a conversation with him, and his immediate reaction is to threaten suicide, then I'd say the marriage is already over.

He cannot prevent you from leaving, and he cannot prevent a divorce. You are not responsible for him, only for yourself, and you have a right to try to be happy.

What family support do you have? You sound quite isolated. I'd call Woman's Aid and ask for advice before doing anything else. There are people who will help you. And please be careful.

ArcticSkewer · 26/06/2023 13:30

You seem confused.

Divorce is not a joint venture. You file the paperwork and get things started.

BishopRock · 26/06/2023 13:31

You've had the chat.

Now go and see a solicitor.

Tell him afterwards if you like, then get on with the business of splitting up and divorcing.

Screamingabdabz · 26/06/2023 13:31

So? Set about it. You don’t need his permission. His suicide threats are his responsibility - don’t let this hold you back.

Original poster
babysteps1 · 26/06/2023 13:44

thanks everybody

I had the free meeting with the lawyer before i spoke to him, and they said I should not leave the house as it would make it harder for me. But my husband when we had the chat, said there was no way he was leaving . it is joint

the thing is, I had wanted it to be amicable, for our kids but if i just say 'here's the lawyers letter', he'll go nuts (not in a violent way, just really really horrible) and say he wnated to make it work and I am a selfish bitch who is ruining his life

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 26/06/2023 13:45

You’ve had the chat. You don’t need to have another one. Just progress with the next stage to divorce.

I hope things are much easier for you from now.

caringcarer · 26/06/2023 13:46

You've done the chat. Now get to a good solicitor and they will write to him. You could go away for a few days so you're not there when he gets the letter if you wanted to.

pippinsleftleg · 26/06/2023 13:47

It doesn’t matter what he says. Surely he’s selfish for not letting you end it?

you can only please one person here so it might as well be you.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 26/06/2023 13:48

OK so the issue is you want him to move out but he has no more need to than you do. You both have the right to stay in the family home till its settled by court so get the divorce applied for

pimplebum · 26/06/2023 13:54

It's not a hostage negotiation you are in

You have made a big brave decision

Now for the sad, but action part of your new chapter in life

You deserve to spend the rest of your life happy and relaxed

Original poster
babysteps1 · 26/06/2023 13:57

i don't want him to move out straight away (i think the best thing would be to sell the house) but i do want him ti stop pretending. he said the other day about booking a family holiday! I said no and i know i should have said something to him then about the split, so why would we book a holiday, but teh kids were there and i chickened out of it.

I agree what someone said before that he is not going to suddenly agree with me and be happy to split. But I hate hurting his feelings

OP posts:
pointythings · 26/06/2023 13:58

So you know it isn't going to be an amicable divorce. Go ahead anyway. The house will have to be sold. That is often the case. You will both be poorer. Also normal.

But do it anyway because life in a miserable marriage is no life at all.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/06/2023 13:59

You told him you want to separate, you don't have to seek his permission. You've started the ball rolling, and he doesn't need to be involved to keep the momentum going.
His refusal to engage along with the suicide threat is his way of controlling you.
Take the control back and although it's sometimes tough, you'll get there. Lots of us have been in your shoes and look back thankful that we took the leap. Good luck.

BoohooWoohoo · 26/06/2023 14:02

Start taking action because by waiting you give him false hope that you've forgotten about it.
Call an estate agent round when h isn't in and get some valuations.
Start the paperwork. You can't stay married because he's manipulating you.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 26/06/2023 14:04

ArcticSkewer · 26/06/2023 13:30

You seem confused.

Divorce is not a joint venture. You file the paperwork and get things started.

Pedantically …..divorce can now be a joint venture and the government is encouraging it
the law changed last year to eliminate “blame”, all divorces are now based on one or BOTH parties saying the marriage has irreversibly broken down. Since last year BOTH parties can petition together so there is no single petitioner or respondent

But the point you’re trying to make is correct- she’s going to need to move ahead whether he agrees or not

Original poster
babysteps1 · 26/06/2023 14:15

thank you all for your advice

I know your all right.

I think I need to tell my family we are spliting up (he didn't want me to, even though his family know i have made him unhappy by saying we should split, i am the bad person in there eyes)

and I think i should start sleeping on the couch - i tried that the night of the chat but he started really crying about it so i didn't.

OP posts:
User63847484848 · 26/06/2023 14:20

I’ve been there
plucked up the courage to say it, nearly vomited, said it and then he was pretty much saying ‘no, not happening’

stay strong
you will have to tell him a few times
be clear and firm
ideally get along to counselling the two of you (might help him realise you’re serious) or definitely see a counsellor yourself (will help you stay strong and cope with what he throws at you, which will be everything)

sleep in a separate room from now on. That will send a clear signal. He can’t just bury his head in the sand.

if you have kids suggest you start dividing up the weekends and one of you be with them whilst the other goes and stays with friends.

you are allowed to do this and he will have to accept it.

unsync · 26/06/2023 14:22

Contact your local Women's Aid, he's following a well trodden path with the suicide threats and crying etc. They can support you through this.

Honestly, once you learn the tricks they use to make you do what they want, it becomes a lot easier to stand up for yourself.

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