Husband says no to spliting up

[babysteps1]

I told my husband I wanted us to seperate. Last month. Our marriage has been really not happy for years..

The worst discussion I've ever done I got ill from the stress before the chat.

He found the chat very difficult, and said he didn't agree with me. It was a really bad conversation, he said about suicide.

But since then, he's pretended the chat didn't happen.

It is my fault that I didn't take action after the chat, but I wanted to give him time to work on his feelings.

But it means I need to have horrinble chat all over again, and I don't know if I can be brave enough again

I think most arrogant people are insecure - the arrogance is covering the insecurity.

@lifeissweet

Yes, your post says better what i've not been able to say.

I know i need to put my needs first, ive been thinking that this last month more and more and thats sort of why i wrote the thread today.

The chat that i told him i wanted to split the hardest thing ive ever had to say, how is it just kind of being ignored?

He keeps being really fake cheery too which is really hard

The suicide threat is on page 13 of the abuser's handbook. It's a standard acting for trying to get his own way.

You are not one of his belongings. He doesn't get to decide that you have to stay with him against your will.

Let him ignore it. Like so many have already told you, you don’t need his permission, agreement, blessing or even acceptance to divorce him - and divorce him you must. You are not a hostage or prisoner. You are a free woman with agency, options and free will. Stop trying to convince him, stop talking, start doing.

Stop feeling bad.
Stop calling arrogance insecurity.
Stop focusing on him and his feelings.

You are the only one who should matter to you.

What he really meant when he said what he said there is that he resents the fact that you're the one ending it, not him.

You don't need to give him reasons, everytime you try to explain he'll dismiss it in some way. Tell him you're done and your relationship is over and as of now you're just co-parents. If he asks why just repeat, you're done and because you're done and there's no chance of that changing it doesn't matter why.

This.

Don't let him dictate. It's your life!

Mine was a "very proud" man (arrogant twat) who "couldn't stand it" if we divorced. After living in an uncomfortable standoff situation for several months, I realised what was needed ...

I applied for a divorce and gave him my completed papers, knowing he wouldn't sign. I escalated the standoff situation, and started hassling him about signing. Surprise, surprise, he applied for a divorce and gave me a form listing a load of bollocks about abuse he said I'd subjected him to. I signed it. Goal achieved.

To add: I did this because I couldn't afford to drag him through court, I needed a mutually agreed divorce. However, he refused the financial disclosure - I should've realised he would!

I signed the agreement anyway. It had been a short marriage. He bought me out of our flat but I have no idea what other assets he owned. As you've been together a long time, financials will be more complex and definitely not to be written off if you can help it. Therefore you will probably have to get court involvement at some point, so you may as well just divorce him with the aid of a solicitor.