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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband says no to spliting up

59 replies

babysteps1 · 26/06/2023 13:24

I told my husband I wanted us to seperate. Last month. Our marriage has been really not happy for years..

The worst discussion I've ever done I got ill from the stress before the chat.

He found the chat very difficult, and said he didn't agree with me. It was a really bad conversation, he said about suicide.

But since then, he's pretended the chat didn't happen.

It is my fault that I didn't take action after the chat, but I wanted to give him time to work on his feelings.

But it means I need to have horrinble chat all over again, and I don't know if I can be brave enough again

OP posts:

User63847484848 · 26/06/2023 14:26

With the suicide threats - with my STBX it seemed to work if I said ‘every time you tell me that I’m going to tell your GP’ which I did (or tried!).
i thjnk it was kind of genuine in that he was distressed in that moment but it was also manipulative.
once he realised it wasn’t going to have the desired effect it reduced and faded away.
but really those 3 months or so living together after I told him were totally hideous. So so much easier once I moved out, 6 months ago yesterday.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 26/06/2023 14:29

Time for action, no more dithering. File for divorce, this will lead to the sale of the house. He can't ignore a Decree Absolute. Make sure you have everything in place paperwork wise and work out what benefits if any you would be entitled to.

Thoughtful2355 · 26/06/2023 14:37

He mentioned the suicide so you dont go further with the breaking up. He thinks hes got you now by mentioning that, thats why he is acting like nothing happened x

loislovesstewie · 26/06/2023 14:42

Mentioning suicide, trying to pretend it's not going to happen are his ways of controlling you. What you do is calmly carry on with the divorce. You set wheels in motion, if he threatens suicide and you are scared call the police. If he threatens you call the police. You continue to tell him it's over, even while he tries to book holidays etc. It's part of his plan to get you to back off from separating.

Original poster

babysteps1 · 26/06/2023 14:43

@User63847484848

He said at the time of the chat about marriage therapy but i don't want to as i don't want to stay, and i'm worried it'll just be a way to make me stay. Him talking about how great our marriage is (its not) and how I am hurting him by wanted to leave and he can't understand it

I just want him to listen to me which he never does. he says he is listening, then just does what he was doing or thinking before

OP posts:

ScribblingPixie · 26/06/2023 14:47

I think you need to stop trying to work towards a place where you make a mutual decision to split. That won't happen. You need to get on with the rest of your life. Ask the solicitor how to move forward based on the likelihood that your husband will refuse to leave the house. Stop waiting for him, OP.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/06/2023 14:47

I'd give up trying to discuss it. He either ignores you or tries to railroad you into doing what he wants.
Let the solicitors sort it out.

User63847484848 · 26/06/2023 14:48

I found the marriage therapy helpful in taking forward the split, the counsellor literally told him he needed to begin to try and accept it.
we had two different counselors and they both followed the pattern of a session together then one with us both individually then together.
wjth the first one she asked us outright if we were on the same page as in were we there to mend the relationship. I found it hard to be honest with him sitting next to me as was fearful of him so kind of sat on the fence and said I didn’t know if it might be too late for me. But then when we had our individual session was able to be honest with her and say for me it was over. Soon after he ended that counselling as he took against her and felt she ‘wasn’t challenging me enough’ 🙄 but the next one he somehow tolerated it more from her talking about how he needed to accept it and now we needed to move onto talking about practicalities.
everyone’s different but for me the counseling was a life line in helping me move it forward and be strong and he was also called out on some of his behaviour.

User63847484848 · 26/06/2023 14:49

He wouldn’t leave the house so in the end I moved out with the children to a small rental, even though they’re with me the majority of the time. He just wouldn’t leave the family home and I knew even if he did he’d keep coming back and I didn’t think I could legally stop him. It’s been pretty awful but we’ve come a long way and the house is on the market now.

MagicBullet · 26/06/2023 14:54

babysteps1 · 26/06/2023 14:43

@User63847484848

I just want him to listen to me which he never does. he says he is listening, then just does what he was doing or thinking before

I’d take him up on that.
And make that a really good way to force him to listen to you and take your request of separating seriously .
So counselling to be able to separate as well as possible rather than to make things work iyswim

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/06/2023 15:37

he wnated to make it work and I am a selfish bitch who is ruining his life

Well it's him or you.

And marriage counselling while splitting is great. Unless the other person is abusive, which he is. So don't.

Kugela · 26/06/2023 15:38

Don’t bother with counselling. Instead spend the money on a good solicitor and counselling for you. He sounds manipulative and he may try to use counselling as a way to control you into changing your mind.

loislovesstewie · 26/06/2023 15:44

Another no to the counselling, it's trying to manipulate, put off the inevitable or is an effort to make you look the baddy.

PaintedEgg · 26/06/2023 16:01

get the ball rolling, get the lawyer, cut him off when he's pretending everything is fine, start splitting finances, tell everybody

he is not going to kill himself, he knows it, you know, everyone reading this knows it

Original poster

babysteps1 · 26/06/2023 16:02

yes, I think in counselling i'd be scared to say i wanted to end it because he'd be there saying he wanted to fix it, so it would be a waste of time and i'd be stressed because I'd just be lying and agreeing to things I don't want to agree to. Like the poster above says, i think its putting off the inevitable.

I do look like the baddy, he says he's a good guy who would do anything for his family. He is a good guy in some ways, but i think the problem is that my standards were way too low when i met him so the fact he isn't a womaniser and wanted to commit that i ignored all the other stuff like not listening to me, and being really selfish.

And now i don't want to ignore all the stuff that makes me unhappy, but it's hard to explain it to him because he like 'what has changed?, You were happy before', and because its all vague stuff like 'you never listen to me' he can just disagree and say he does listen to me

OP posts:

PaintedEgg · 26/06/2023 16:05

also - if he is going to paint you as a bad guy then BE the bad guy

my ex husband used all similar techniques, from threats of suicide, to saying im abusive and cruel, to sending me messages about his mother having cancer (he didnt care, i knew that for a fact), to trying to guilt-trip me about his awful finances

my friend summed it up pretty nicely: my ex was using my kindness against me. he knew i always tried to be fair and not cause damage so he tried to convince me that i was this awful person and should be better - then lost his shit when i told him i was fine with him doing whatever he liked to himself as long as its not my problem anymore.

your husband is doing the same thing - he wont change, he wont listen, he doesnt give a single f- about you, he just doesnt want to have to change anything. so do it for him :)

mathanxiety · 26/06/2023 16:07

You have to stop being bothered by his feelings and also being worried about how your family sees your drespond. Disengage!

This isn't a TV show where the audience votes, and the person with the most votes gets to carry out their plans while the other person has to suck it up.

This is you making a decision about a relationship that is no longer working for you, one where you have been made to feel responsible for everyone else's feelings. Repeat to yourself daily. "I am sorry they all feel that way."

Hire a solicitor.
Get your financial ducks in a row.
Decide with the advice of the solicitor what you want out of the discussions wrt child support and custody of the children.
Decide what you want wrt disposition of the family home.
I don't think your free half hour solicitor was correct in his advice to stay in the home as it could affect tour rights down the road if you leave. Women are not obliged to stay under the same roof as a partner who is mentally unstable (threatening suicide = evidence of instability and coercive control = danger to you and your children).
Serve your H with divorce papers.
Then he governs himself as he sees fit.
He can be divorced even if he refuses to respond.

If your H mentions suicide again, immediately call 999 and tell the operator your H has threatened suicide.

mathanxiety · 26/06/2023 16:09

Decision, not "drespond"

Original poster

babysteps1 · 26/06/2023 16:23

@mathanxiety This isn't a TV show where the audience votes, and the person with the most votes gets to carry out their plans while the other person has to suck it up.

Yes, thats what it feels like talking to him!

When we had the chat he said he wanted us not to split because he loves me even if i don't love him anymore, and it was like that was the winning decision, that was what was going to happen. Even though i kept saying he needed to listen to me.

And then i thought later on it was another example of what he is like, he just cant see anything from my point of view. Like his vote counts and mine don't

OP posts:

diddl · 26/06/2023 16:34

When we had the chat he said he wanted us not to split because he loves me even if i don't love him anymore,

I mean realistically, who wants to be with someone who no longer loves them?

How would it really work?

Separate lives in the same house?

Original poster

babysteps1 · 26/06/2023 16:49

I felt so bad for him when he said that about he was ok with me not loving him like his self esteem is so low. but it was really depressing too and i feel so guilty.

Everyone thinks he is really arrogant, but i think he's really insecure really.

OP posts:

PaintedEgg · 26/06/2023 16:51

or he is comfortable as it is and it actually does not bother him if you love him or not

diddl · 26/06/2023 16:53

PaintedEgg · 26/06/2023 16:51

or he is comfortable as it is and it actually does not bother him if you love him or not

Well yes.

Might he have to parent his kids alone/do housework if you leave?

lifeissweet · 26/06/2023 16:54

babysteps1 · 26/06/2023 16:49

I felt so bad for him when he said that about he was ok with me not loving him like his self esteem is so low. but it was really depressing too and i feel so guilty.

Everyone thinks he is really arrogant, but i think he's really insecure really.

I think you need to start caring about your own feelings at least as much as you care about his. I'm not convinced you do yet.

He sure as hell worries more about himself than about you, so you need to harden a little bit.

You are going to hurt him. I'm afraid that's where we're at. It can be a short, sharp, decisive break or you can let him drag it out for ages. The pain is the same. He is not getting out of this unhurt, I'm sorry to say.

But the sooner you get through this, the sooner he can lick his wounds and recover.

But you need to put yourself first, worry about your own needs and feelings and be firm now. You can do this.

lifeissweet · 26/06/2023 16:57

I left my ex-h and he did this a bit. Begging and crying and then pretending it wasn't happening.

Once I was firm and left (it was easier for me to go and take control of the situation) it was only a couple of months before he shacked up with the next door neighbour (they're married now), so he wasn't heartbroken for long!

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