What's stopping you from making amends with a friend/family member?

[justanothermanicmonday1]

Just that really.

I had a big falling out with a friend of 30 years and we recently had lunch and oh how I wish I reached out sooner. We've both been through so much and missed so much of each others lives and both regret it massively

Have you had a big falling out with someone or over the years and wish you could go back in time and handle things differently?

If so, what's stopping you from reaching out?

Do you ever see yourself making amends with this person?

If you believe a friendship is worth saving, but your pride is getting in the way, please please just go for it.

I had what I thought was a very close friend. She was known to be tight fisted but I accepted that about her and didn't let it bother me. For example, when I got married I invited her and her partner to the full day and evening. She insisted on knowing how much the wedding was costing per person so that she didn't spend more on a present than she would be "getting back". I laughingly told her not to bother buying anything if it was bothering her that much, her presence was enough and I really didn't mind. She was due to get married the year after and we'd been verbally invited to their wedding. Then just after my wedding, she asked me and dh to stay at her and her fiancé's house one Saturday night, saying we could get a takeaway , video etc (yes, it was that long ago). We offered money but were told that they'd pay and we could pay when we had them round a couple of weeks later. However, during that couple of weeks I had the worst news of my life. My darling dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer out of the blue and the whole family was devastated. I'd only just left home, bought a house up the road from my dad and worked for him, so I was going through all this with him everyday, propping him up etc. I phoned my friend and explained what had happened and that I'd have to postpone her and her boyfriends planned visit to mine the following Saturday as I just wasn't up to it. She was very abrupt with me on the phone and I could tell she wasn't happy that I was cancelling. I never heard from her again and was subsequently uninvited from her wedding. I was later told by a mutual friend that she'd dumped me because I owed her a takeaway and a video and I was trying to get out of paying for it. Years later I heard she was quite ill so I sent her a get well card via the mutual friend and on receiving it she apparently said "I can't remember why me and Stevie stopped being friends".

My stepbrother, who I absolutely adored, did something awful that nearly cost me and my now ex husband our home and business. He did it because he thought he would benefit and I realised that he didn't give a flying fuck about us as a family. I haven't spoken to him in years and it has profoundly affected the family dynamic to the extent that me and my kids are now the "outsiders" as it were and we are not invited to anything that he goes to. That has included Christmas, family weddings etc etc. I can't forgive him for the damage he caused and if I see him, which I do very occasionally, I just pretend he's not there. He has never apologised despite knowing what he did to my life.

My sister - I'd been present when our mum had died, she had the opportunity to stay as well but chose not to. Mum had been gone for less than an hour, she came in, pushed me away from mum's body & told everyone to keep me the fuck away from her, then spent the next two days ignoring me. I couldn't handle it so kept away from the rest of the family as she was always around, so I had no family support while grieving. I didn't feel able to go the funeral and be ignored, especially as she'd have been sitting with the rest of the family in the front row and I'd be sitting alone and ignored by her.

After a couple of weeks she got in touch, being aggressive, couldn't see the impact her behaviour had on me, didn't apologise. I don't regret cutting her off and can't see that I ever will.

The rest of the family that stood by and let me be isolated - I don't know. Maybe, someday I'll forgive........... maybe not.

nah went NC with brother over 15 years ago, he is a cunt, has always been a cunt, and will always be a cunt

😂

I think it's much easier to make amends if the fall out was over a one time event/issue.

Going NC is generally done as a very last resort when you just can't take it anymore and they are unlikely to change their behavior. It's the thought of going back to how things were that makes me decline any invitation that comes, via a flying monkey, to meet up. I would love to have a good relationship with her but sadly I don't think that will ever happen.

for me it's simple - nothing is stopping me, if i dont speak to someone it probably means im not bothered to speak to them

i cannot think of many situations where i fell out with someone over one thing. In most cases if i stopped talking to people it was because over time i lost any fondness i may have had for them

i certainly cannot imagine being very bothered is a friend from 10 years prior reached out and wanted to repair friendship

I would love to make things up with my ex best friend of 40 years but she owes me a serious apology for how she has treated me and let me down over my wedding for one thing and how she's blamed me for the Covid situation and singled me out when I've done absolutely nothing wrong to her.

That is absolutely disgusting.

What sort of person does that??

I absolutely couldn't ever forgive that either.

Did you have a nice relationship with your dad and his partner?

You absolutely wouldn't. Some people are just utterly vile!

@baddayforsure we hadn't spoken since last summer. Absolutely zero contact. It was her DM anniversary in February of her death and I sent her a card. It was my DD birthday a few weeks later and sent me a card wishing her a happy birthday. Then she just messaged me a few months later congratulating me on my pregnancy as she heard I was having another baby. Asked to meet. We had a wonderful lunch out that lasted hours and we're meeting again soon.

I wouldn't have reached out if I'm being honest because I was hurt. But now I know that was just ridiculous. It must have taken her a lot of courage to message me and ask.

Go for it. What do you have to lose?

I'm so so sorry this happened to you.

Did she ever try and reach out? Did you want to press charges?

You had absolutely to apologise for! I hope to goodness that he never suffers with his mental health.

I'm so sorry about your dad.

I genuinely believe people like that are severely unwell. Better off!

You're a better person than me because I would have caused an absolute riot at her behaviour. But I understand that you didn't have the energy especially after something so devastating x

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I am not reaching out because I haven't received any apology or acknowledgement for the hurt caused.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. It really holds true.

I was asked by a mutual friend if there would be a way I'd forgive and see the person again. My polite answer was never say no but realistically the relationship could never be the same again.

Basically, I said that for my dh, in the slight hope amends could be made for his sake, he needs it and I would do anything for him to have peace.

Me, outwardly I'm all "oh I'm happy they are happy", inwardly ... my walls are well and truly up and I hope they rot in whatever painful hell is coming their way.

I've told dh that when this relative does crash and burn I will not let him help either financially or emotionally, under no circumstances. They have shown us who they are, its far from the good person they make out to the rest of the world.

Death, but the bitch banned me from her funeral

My pride,my stubbornness and the fact I want a drama free life. I got a new job last year and it made me realise that she wanted a friend who hung off her every word and ignored her faults, one that pandered to her and put her on a pedestal.

She used to get jealous when our gym instructor would flirt or talk to me because she wasn't getting any attention.

This is such an intresting thread, I fell out with a relative who I was once so close with and who helped me alot throughout my younger years. I just got upset one day with some stuff that was said and we didn't speak for years, we made contact, than I made a big mess up with something and again we haven't spoken for a few years. I do miss her but I don't know how to begin again

But I do believe there's a difference between falling out going too far and people being utterly toxic in your life that you have to cut them out for your sanity and well being.

Wow. That has to be your mother.

I can picture being given a list of dictates from beyond the grave, eg, telling me not to make trouble. Ie, even when she's dead, I must collude with her narrative that she is perfect and did nothing wrong. I must publicly accept that I'm crazy.

100% this!

I couldn't have put this better myself. Absolutely no regrets for cutting a family member out of my life for every single one of these reasons.

@CrazyCatLady13 I feel for you. It's so hurtful, on top of the original hurt that is, when nobody in the family even asks you if you're ok? I mean, I know people have their own family dynamics and they know that they can't wade in to yours and fix them, so I wasn't champing at the bit to stand up on a box and give MY SIDE, but nobody has reached out to me and said, ''so, your mum tells us you're the devil, but we have known you since you were a child and you always seemed eager to stay on the right side of everybody back then, so whatever happened between you and your mum, we won't be drafted in to give you the silent treatment''. But no. Tumbleweed. Texts sent to thank aunts for money sent to my daughter went unanswered, Cousins blanked me when they saw me in the street.

It's like the dysfunction in this family, the extended family, blows my mind. All so content to just believe what they've been told. No inclination to check and see if I am upset or content to be ignored by the extended family.

And despite all of this, my mum still feels like the victim of me. I don't think I can ever forget the way she has behaved to me. Maybe I will gain the strength to no longer care. So it will not be forgiveness per se, it will be that I've have grown so bored of my own thoughts that I can no longer give this mess another minute.

Hope you're ok. I have felt less alone listening to Patrick Teahan on youtube, Jay Reid, Rebecca c Mandeville, all on youtube. all talking about family dynamics.

Finally realizing that actually, I don't like her, and life is much calmer if I don't feed her drama. I spent years trying to be her friend when she clearly wasn't interested.