What's stopping you from making amends with a friend/family member?

[justanothermanicmonday1]

Just that really.

I had a big falling out with a friend of 30 years and we recently had lunch and oh how I wish I reached out sooner. We've both been through so much and missed so much of each others lives and both regret it massively

Have you had a big falling out with someone or over the years and wish you could go back in time and handle things differently?

If so, what's stopping you from reaching out?

Do you ever see yourself making amends with this person?

If you believe a friendship is worth saving, but your pride is getting in the way, please please just go for it.

I got ghosted after 30 years so I think it's not for me to do any reaching out...

This describes mine too. Its better left in the past 😂

The fact that you can’t go back. Things won’t be the same as they were when they were good. People either change so much that you might not like the new version, or they may not like the new version of you, or neither party changes at all - and so the old issue still exists.
You can only move forward. You stopped being friends for a good reason.

Wow, so many relatable stories here. And there seems to be a reoccurring theme .... family members 🤣 you definitely can't pick them that's for sure. But you can choose to not have them in your life if they bring nothing but drama & sadness.

Also really sad to see many best friends friendships fall apart. Mine almost did. We have a long road ahead of us but I'm glad she reached out because tbh I never would have. And she was like my sister. But I just didn't have the energy. So we will see where it goes.

Will keep reading ...

Well it’s hard to make peace with someone who you feel wronged you but has a different narrative and says you have wronged them. But only if they won’t let go of it and move on.

basically you can only control your own part in a relationship not the other party. So it’s not entirely up to you!

100% spot on.

I think that's what I'm struggling with. I can forgive what happened but it's forgetting I'm having a tough time with. I was just at a point where I accepted the situation and was happy and then she text me. I couldn't ever ignore her or say no I don't want to see you. Because part of me did. She was/is my closest friend. Just a few unfortunate circumstances and I hope I can move past them within time.

Agree with everything you have said.

Five years ago my "friend" showed me exactly what she thought about my daughter. I believed her.

there really is no coming back from someone telling you they don't give a fuck about your child, even when that child is an adult.

it's true what they say, "when someone tells you who/what they are, believe them"

why would I want to go back to that?

I've only fallen out with 1 friend ever over something nasty she said.

With 20 years of friendship, I would have easily forgiven her if she just offered a sincere apology but instead she went off on one, screaming that I should have known that she didn't mean it, that I was being unfair for even mentioning it, that everyone was entitled to a bitchy day and that I shouldn't have even listened to her.

At the time, sorry would have repaired it at the time.

In my case, it's a sibling. For context, this sibling has always been equally balanced, a chip on each shoulder - despite a good career, partner with a good career, children, plenty of money and a nice house etc - but still carries a lot of imagined slights from childhood. I was older and it's far from my memory (or anyone else's!!) of how things were.

Cut me off years ago - something unreasonable they did over our parents' will, and I called them out on it. Was ordered out of the house etc. 6 months' later came back "not wanting to fall out". Never felt comfortable - all sorts of silly behaviour ensued - tolerated that.

Couple of years ago, another sibling had a terrifying ordeal. This sibling stated that they had always "hated each other" (not true!) and didn't even phone to see if they were ok. Complete strangers were far more caring and thoughtful. I called them out on this, and as a result, no communication at all, not even with my adult kids. Would have loved to have a close relationship - parents would be devastated if they had lived to see this though in some ways it wouldn't have been unexpected by them, let's just say) - and the other three of us do have a close relationship. I'm done.

Fear. Fear is what stops me making amends. I know I'll regret it even more in ten years than I do now but I'm almost paralysed by fear. How did you reach out? How can things ever be the same again?

My mum put her hands on me and violently attacked me right outside my house. Neighbours had to intervene and my mum did this all in front of my DD who was 21 months at the time. Poor baby was screaming and crying her eyes out.

This happened basically 5 months ago and I’ll NEVER forgive. I haven’t spoken to her in all that time and she will never see my children again. Awful, awful woman

The sister I was closest to. She had form for falling out with me over drunken arguments, one was about Richard fucking Dawkins for fucks sake. Didn't talk to me for a few months

My other sister, older than her by a couple of years, split up with a bloke, I helped her, sister helped too. She ended up moving close to both of us and basically wendied me out of the picture. The whole trans/gc thing didn't help either because my sister is a twitter addict and was fully immersed in twaw. In hindsight she was a bit of a bully and treated me badly sometimes (I treated her badly too, it was a toxic dynamic from the start) (I didn't really like the interactions both of them had with my kids.

She really used me when I was younger (10 years older) when I had shit of my own going on. The older sister who wendied me is a massive liar, so dysfunctional, I cannot be slightly arsed with her. I bump into her now and again and I'm civil, that's about it.

I did get in contact with the sister who I was close to and tried to make up, but tbh it was all about her, too much resentment. I have come to terms with it now. I only get a little flare up when I bump into one.

I have two older sisters who have lived far away for quite awhile, there's no relationship to speak of, when I was at my lowest they didn't help, just put the boot in. Not interested in playing happy happy for occasional visits.

That's so awful, so sorry you and your small child were subject to that.

It's not healthy to self harm & being around that person is a form of self harm.

Being in contact with them is like death by a thousand papercuts, with constant drips of nastiness laced into everything, some of which you don't even find out about until later.

Why would I 'make amends' & open myself up to more harm?

I cut contact, my life improved then I was persuaded to restart contact.

Nothing had changed & I came close to killing myself because of the endless poisonous chipping away at everything that was me.
Of never being able to mention any place I went or anyone I spoke to or they would be tracked down & told untrue shit about me so I could never have any connection with anyone outside their control.
Of always having to be on guard & keep every aspect of me & my life secret to protect it, never being able to aspire to anything without finding it was being actively destroyed around me because it is not my fate (they believe) to be successful or happy.

All I had to do to get them to drop me completely was just not pick up the phone & call them.
No row, no big falling out, I just didn't phone.
It's been years now.
They have my address, phone number etc.., but they never so much as sent a text message to see if I was still alive, other than one several months after I first stopped calling.
It said "Life's too short"
(It was my job to phone you see, not theirs, ever).

They don't love me.
When they say they do (to other people of course, not to me), it's just meaningless words.
I don't need any more people in my life who don't love me.

For me, it's eg person c, but it's up-to them as I tried before to offer the olive branch but got shut down. Therefore figured this time that if they want to then they can offer the olive branch.

I would like to repair things but I'm not betting on it

same here, but it'll never happen so I shan't wlrey about it anymore and carry on happily NC.

This but I doubt they will ever do it

We fell out with my husband's brother 12 years ago. He spent the next 3 years swearing he would never apologise to us for what he did. A total of 10 years after the event, he reached out to me via text msg, apologised and asked if we could connect. I would have, but for my husband, who had endured his brother for far longer than I, it was a case of too little too late. He said his life has been more pleasant without his brother in it and he had no desire to spend time with him. So that was that.

I'll never every forgive my brother for rejecting me after I had a total nervous breakdown during lockdown, stuck in a first floor flat no garden or support with DS (now 7) possibly relevant he has a huge detached property with humongous garden.

We were close before, he can't deal with mental health issues, I don't think he believes the legitimacy, bit like piers Morgan.

I called and called when I got better trying to explain and apologise and he refused to answer.

I'll never speak to him again.

What's stopping me is that they haven't changed or made any move to repairing the damage they caused or even admitted it is a problem. And they would still be a risk to my children. Frankly, they have no interest in me anyway, hence probably why they've made no move to fix any of the damage done, and they know they will never have a relationship with my dc after all that has happened, so I don't think they care.

My life is so much more peaceful without all the harassment and drama, so no way I doing anything to jeopardise that. I think people who have had a little falling out because someone was a bit grumpy or didn't come to their birthday party, sure, can be fixed and a relationship resumed. But in a relationship where there was abuse, I don't think it's possible to carry on without a lot of damage longer term to the person who was abused.

No fall out and ill never know what really went through his mind but I don't speak/see my dad. We just kind of lost contact and now it feels too awkward and I feel too hurt.

The only thing stopping me reaching out is I cant face the rejection when he disappears again which he undoubtedly would.

I contacted a cousin to ask politely why my family and I had been left out of roles at my auntie's funeral (she had no children of her own). My message was ignored and since then my uncle has died and I was told by the steward at the door not so sit in the front 3 rows as they were for family only.
I have no idea what the problem is but I've tried to find out and as far as I'm concerned I'll never know, I have no intention of taking this further and making myself look desperate.

I'll never make amends with my sister. I've tried to remain friendly throughout our communications (we share caring for our mother with dementia), but she's constantly down right rude, nasty, and bitchy about literally everything I say or do. Reconciliation is simply impossible with her. I get abusive/sweary text messages about tiny/irrelevant things. I genuinely think she's unhinged. It's not just me, she's now low contact with her own son and daughter, never sees her grandchildren, has arguments/legal disputes with her neighbours, etc.