Deluded family member is draining us all

[swifty6]

I have an uncle who is in his mid 60s. He has no children, never been married and until 4 years ago, had lives with my grandmother (his mum) his whole life.

Since she died he has really struggled to learn how to navigate life as she literally did all the life admin for him. He didn't even know how to boil an egg. As a result he has relied quite a lot on some extended family, including myself, for company, using a computer (he has no IT skills), and general venting.

I won't lie - it has become a bit of a burden. Mostly because he is quite honestly, deluded. He has had his house on and off the market for 3 years now, but when he gets a buyer he gets cold feet and withdraws. When he has found a house he likes, he also pulls out for strange reasons when he finds out something about the current owner's personality.

Since childhood he has had a dream to live in a remote part of the country 300 miles away from family. He has been talking about doing this his mum died, and been down there 3 times to see houses. But then he gets cold feet about this. If he lived in this location it would be very difficult to get to hospitals etc, and he's currently awaiting 3 operations.

He calls the family all the time to talk about houses on the market, and what a job it will be to pick up his current house. When he has been in the process of buying /selling I took a week off work to help him pack boxes, but now those boxes have been there for years. We all find it very draining, as we have listened to this for over 3 years now. I now think it is all a dream only, and he doesn't want to let this dream go, but also doesn't want to make a decision and have the hard work.

I've got to the point where I don't want to listen to it anymore, but he gets very hurt if we don't want to talk to him, and is always saying he's alone and no one will help him. I think he will worry himself to death before long, so I try to be understanding as i know it's stressful for him.

Would I be unreasonable to say I don't want to hear about it anymore? It feels unkind but I am so drained.

That sounds exhausting. One thing you could point out is that if he moves to an area with a different NHS trust, he'll have to start from the very beginning to get his operations. He'll have to be referred to a new hospital, be assessed again by the consultant (who may not agree he needs the operation) and be put at the bottom of the waiting list.

'Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm'

That's something I read on another thread about difficult older relatives quite recently, and I think it is a very good point. You can only do what you can do, and you have to draw the line somewhere. He is not your responsibility.

'We are all allowing deluded family member to drain us' might be a better thread title. It puts the responsibility where it actually lies: if you don't like what someone does, you have to tell them. Set a clear boundary. He can talk all he likes, but whether you stick around to listen is up to you.

He sounds lonely and scared.

I have bought two houses in my lifetime but the last time was nearly thirty years ago. I wouldn't have a clue how to do it anymore without some form of handholding due to medical conditions (brain fog) which make decisions a lot harder than it should.

Sounds lonely and scared. Also, it sounds like he has special needs. Possibly undiagnosed

Yes this. You’re obviously a kind person, but unless there is some back ground where he cared for you as a child, supported you through university, bonded over a shared hobby etc, you really don’t owe him anything. I would imagine that he doesn’t actually have the confidence to move away from his support network so it’s basically a pipe dream that’s never going to happen. Of course you’re not unreasonable to enforce boundaries.

He's an adult. You are not responsible for him. Call adult social services and leave him to it.

Thanks for the replies so far.

I should also add that he hasn't got over his mum's death, and honestly thinks she died too soon at 91. He thinks it could have been prevented and blames himself.

He has spoken with bereavement counsellors and been to the GP about it dozens of times. But he won't be helped as he doesn't want to accept she's gone.

I've said to him we all miss her, but she did well to live as long as she did as many die younger. He said 'but the queen was 96'

I should also add that he hasn't got over his mum's death, and honestly thinks she died too soon at 91. He thinks it could have been prevented and blames himself.

Ah...that's why he can't let the house go. He's not grieved enough. I see he's had bereavement counselling but maybe he needs a different one as sometimes you can't "click" with a particular, or maybe a normal instead of bereavement?

He sounds as though he might suffer from anxiety. Might be why he never lived alone until his mum died. This inability to make a decision (to move house) and the constant backing out when he's almost there, shouts chronic anxiety.

That doesn't mean that you need to be his sounding board however. I think it might be worth him talking to his GP about finding some counselling.

Maybe also suggest he rents an Airbnb for a month or two or something in his chosen area to see if he'll like it before going through the trauma of a full house move.

It sounds blindingly obvious to me that he has some additional needs. I understand when he was a child that such things weren't picked up at school and that parents thought it was shameful and were reluctant to seek a diagnosis. But surely you can all see that he needs more support - and if you are unwilling to give it to him yourselves (understandable - it sounds very draining) that you do all need to flag this with adult services and possibly start the journey towards a very late diagnosis?

agree that it sounds like he’s got some sort of undiagnosed additional support needs or mental illness. Are adult social services involved?

It sounds a horrible situation - very sad for him as he’s obviously not coping and incredibly hard for you. Ultimately though, you’re just not trained to deal with this - hopefully outside agencies will be able to advise.

Clearly autistic
most of my immediate family is ,so it’s easy to spot the signs .
im sure I’d be exactly the same in his shoes
very little help for adults with SN in U.K.
change Is hard ,be that his mum dying or moving
I do think if you haven’t many family members who will take turns supporting him ,you need to contact adult social services,who will hopefully assess him

I was trained, long ago, never to engage with mental health delusions, because a sane person doing so only confirms to the deluded one, that their delusion is recognised, therefore real, and that embeds it even deeper. To their further obsession and disadvantage.

Just do not engage in those conversations. Yolu have that choice.

" Oh hello Uncle Ted.,nice to hear from you. Stop there, I'm not going to talk about houses/the property market today. I don't want to talk about that.

Isn't it hot! How's the dog coping?. No, I don't want to talk about houses. Stop now or I'll put the phone down. Talk to you another time, bye Ted.".

He's a very paranoid person so he would have a meltdown of adult social services become involved. I'm not sure what they could do?

Also his house is worth about £1million but he's not worked in 6 years so he has no cash. He is living like a pauper off universal credit (he doesn't qualify for state pension yet), so he's eating the most basic food, didn't have the heating on at all over winter etc, which seems to have caused some other health issues. he complains to me all the time about lack of money. I told him he should sell the house and buy a cheaper house and then he will be able to live well off the rest of the cash, but he is looking at houses in the same price range as that he's selling.

I feel bad for him because of the money situation and wonder what I can do, but then remember he owns a house that's worth a massive amount. He could live a very easy life if he helps himself.

I'm in a similar situation with a pair of family members. They NEED to move, they NEED to declutter before that, they NEED to make the current house presentable.

But they want other people to do it for them.

They are implying poverty (not quite pleading poverty) and hoping that people will be charitable and do everything for them. For free. Now.

However, they are sat on 6 figures of spare money, plus the current house, which is about double their savings.

The problem is that I'm (effectively) their only relative, the only one capable of helping, sorting, etc. And I've had enough. I can't do it all and have my own life (which really isn't exciting; I've not even had a week away since 2019!) I'm no longer helping them do anything other than hospital appts that they can't get transport for.
I'm fed up.

It's up to him. I'd disengage.

Sounds like he needs a retirement flat for over 55s with the associated supportive community.
Gosh this is a hard one for you.
Has anyone asked him 'do you want me to take over and make all the decisions for you and then just get you to sign on the dotted line when its sorted?' Because while that would be a pain and a lot of work (and potentially a lot of future grumbling about where he has been moved to) it might MIGHT stop some of this hassle. Or is he always going to fret about something?
I don't know if that's a reasonable suggestion or not - sure some will disagree loudly! - but he clearly needs help and guidance and cannot live comfortably asset rich but cash poor.

If it helps, I frequently get letters from a local estate agent - 'looking to downsize? Isn't it daunting, we can help with EVERYTHING including getting house sale-ready as we know it can be quite a stressful thing to organise yourself'. I'm paraphrasing, but that's the meaning of it.
Maybe ask a few estate agents (or get them to, I hope they can make a phone call or two?)

If you're not his sole surviving relative, I'd take a massive (and I mean massive) step back and disengage from the whole thing. It is not your responsibility to sort his life out.

someone else mentioned it but 100% he’s needs a nice flat/house in supported living. He might love it.

rather thanmoving can do he do an equity release?

free up somecash nd they jsut take it off when he dies

Learned helplessness can only be unlearned when people stop helping.

Cruel to be kind.

@swifty6 IDK if it would make a difference but you could explain to him that if he moves there it'll be harder for family to be there for him as often as he gets older and runs into health issues.

I'd absolutely disengage from him. He may be mentally unwell or have undiagnosed special needs, but you really can't take all of his issues on.

He does need the input of adult social services, but if he won't accept that then there is nothing you can do other than just back off before this drives you insane.