Deluded family member is draining us all

[swifty6]

I have an uncle who is in his mid 60s. He has no children, never been married and until 4 years ago, had lives with my grandmother (his mum) his whole life.

Since she died he has really struggled to learn how to navigate life as she literally did all the life admin for him. He didn't even know how to boil an egg. As a result he has relied quite a lot on some extended family, including myself, for company, using a computer (he has no IT skills), and general venting.

I won't lie - it has become a bit of a burden. Mostly because he is quite honestly, deluded. He has had his house on and off the market for 3 years now, but when he gets a buyer he gets cold feet and withdraws. When he has found a house he likes, he also pulls out for strange reasons when he finds out something about the current owner's personality.

Since childhood he has had a dream to live in a remote part of the country 300 miles away from family. He has been talking about doing this his mum died, and been down there 3 times to see houses. But then he gets cold feet about this. If he lived in this location it would be very difficult to get to hospitals etc, and he's currently awaiting 3 operations.

He calls the family all the time to talk about houses on the market, and what a job it will be to pick up his current house. When he has been in the process of buying /selling I took a week off work to help him pack boxes, but now those boxes have been there for years. We all find it very draining, as we have listened to this for over 3 years now. I now think it is all a dream only, and he doesn't want to let this dream go, but also doesn't want to make a decision and have the hard work.

I've got to the point where I don't want to listen to it anymore, but he gets very hurt if we don't want to talk to him, and is always saying he's alone and no one will help him. I think he will worry himself to death before long, so I try to be understanding as i know it's stressful for him.

Would I be unreasonable to say I don't want to hear about it anymore? It feels unkind but I am so drained.

Assuming this man has capacity, then there's not really anything you can practically do to help him.

It sounds as if he is still grieving for his mother, and perhaps some counselling might help address that.

Don't feel beholden to him, and don't feel it's your responsibility to make his dreams of retiring to the countryside, come true.

He's a relatively young man, with many years ahead of him, if he inherits his mother's longevity. Leave him to make his own mind up about selling his house and buying somewhere in the idyllic location he's dreaming of.

Offer practical support when he actually needs it.

If he won’t accept advice and just plays the “Why don’t you… yes but” game there is nothing you can do. He sounds as though he still has mental capacity to make bad decisions. I have ILs like this. If you have offered your opinion and been rejected you may just have to step back. “You know my views Uncle Ted I’m not going to discuss it again”
It’s only when there is a medical emergency that there is potential for a change. Has he made a will and set up Power of Attorney? It would be great if he has and it isn’t you! I feel for you. We were only able to intervene when MIL broke her hip and FIL needed 24 hour care. It’s exasperating.

Wow this sounds exactly like my mum (although she didn’t live with her mum she lived with my dad).

Be honest about how you are struggling to hear it constantly.
Pull back and become less available so if he rings wait a few hours before ringing back and gently pull away.

I do feel sorry for him and he obviously is still grieving but you cannot waste your energy all on him.

I would encourage him to stay out until he’s had his operations.

Could he buy a caravan or something in or near the new area?
Then he can go down a lot and see if it’s for him before moving his life completely.

I can't imagine one of my uncles being close enough to think we are his substitute family, sorry if that sounds a bit harsh. I mean you are not his daughter, and you've got landed with him and whilst it's great that you helped him out with packing and with UC and so on, I really think you have done enough now. A phone call every now and again to listen is very nice, but actually running his life for him? Being his only support? No, because he isn't going to change or do the things you are helping him with anyway, it's just going to be a bottomless pit of his vague delusions about life.

I think for a niece, you have done enough- you have helped him get an income and supported him socially as much as you can, but you don't need to keep going like this, you aren't his new mum!

Sometimes when one person in a partnership dies you realise how dependent the remaining person has been and how the person who died has protected them or protected everyone else from their neediness. My dad was like this after my mum died.

I think that's the last thing the OP needs to be honest.

As someone who might be a little deluded myself, the kindest thing to do is to tell him straight up, that

a). He can’t move 300 miles away because he will be isolated and lonely
b). He needs to move to a smaller cheaper house in the local area

just dismissing “his dream”. Doesn’t help as that will make it want to prove to you he can do what will be a terrible mistake.

Swifty, he's definitely not in full possession of his faculties. I'm wondering if you're my old school friend's daughter. Your uncle sounds 100% like her brother, who had special needs - but no real diagnosis - and lived with his mum all his life.

I don't know what the answer is as it's not easy to hand over resonsibility, but I really don't think you can be expected to carry all of this.

I think parents who treat their children as children all their lives do no one any favours. Part of any parent’s role is supporting children towards independence. Young adults with learning difficulties, and other conditions that affect their ability to be self sufficient often thrive in supported accommodation. Surely preferable to suddenly finding themselves adrift because their parent dies.

Someone who has held down a good enough job to afford to buy a house should be capable of looking after themselves long before they get to 60. OP you have my sympathy. Practical help when needed is fine, but can you encourage uncle to volunteer, or get involved somehow with people so he isn’t depending on you constantly for these conversations?

Our daughter will be going through this with our son once we're gone.

I actually feel sorry for him, his mother's let him down badly.

I'd call him out on it and tell him to stop wasting time going on about a pipe dream then support him in accessing age concern who can be really good with this kind of thing. Yes he's a pain in the arse but I don't feel it's entirely his fault, good parents encourage independence. They don't smother it and allow them to become reliant as adults to fill a.need in ourselves.

He sounds like he may have undiagnosed additional needs or be neurodiverse. Can you contact adult team of social services for advice. What did he do for work? Wondering if any charities related to that who could assist.

This sounds like my brother. I am fully expecting to be responsible when my parents pass on. I have promised them. He haa high functioning autism. He works and has his own flat but he is reliant on family for company/ decisions/ social life/ emotional support. He has no friends or partner.

My god who on earth would talk to someone like that.

No wonder the elderly are literally dying from loneliness.

Everyone has to have boundaries, and once they are crossed you have to go into self-preservation mode otherwise you'd go round the twist yourself.

He sounds a classic covert narcissist, he’ll never be independent but will talk about it. They are always the victim hence the poverty speech, in his mind he actually believes this crap. There is no insight therefore no help. Assisted living for autistic 55+ maybe yr best option. He obviously needs support. And so do you.

But what should OP be expected to do?

The PP who pointed out that his mother did him absolutely no favours in infantilizing him the way she did was completely correct. He hasn't even had the opportunity to learn one degree of independence. Now she's died, he is making the choice to allow these issues to become a burden (a harsh word, but yes, they are) on wider family members who are trying - and are entitled to - live lives of their own.

If he won't accept adult social services intervention, or any of the state support on offer, then it's his conscious choice to make his care and wellbeing the responsibility of his family. It's not on his niece to carry him throughout the remainder of his life: that's not a fair burden to place on anyone.

OP's choices - harsh and unfortunate though this is - are to step back or to become engulfed. It's that straightforward. It's not possible to help someone who won't help himself, underlying condition or no underlying condition. All that will happen is that her happiness and energy reserves will be dragged down with him.

OP - I recommend having a read of Susan Forward's Toxic In-Laws, in particular the section on 'The Engulfer', which gives gentle, loving but firm strategies on disengaging yourself. He needs to accept outside support, and if possible pursue a diagnosis - because that support will not be coming from you. This message needs repeating, ad nauseam, until it gets through.

Forward's book refers to in-laws, but this dynamic and her strategies for dealing with it are exactly the same. I know it will be tough. But you do deserve to live your life. This is not at all an unreasonable expectation.

Not sure if it's been suggested, OP, but could Age UK be of any use? They have a bunch of stuff on their website about what's out there, support wise, which might be helpful. If you tell him you simply don't have time to look after him, but these are the options, he'll have to choose something or go without. You can make sure he's got food and his bills are paid on a once a month visit and a 5 minute repeat order from a frozen food supplier. That deals with his basic needs. Tell him that's all you can do, other than perhaps a social visit on your schedule, when you can, and leave him with his list of options.

If that's not viable, why isn't it? Why do you feel you should do more than ensure he has food, utilities, and some company here and there?

What part of the country is that? Have you explained that lots of small communities don’t willing accept outsider?