Deluded family member is draining us all

[swifty6]

I have an uncle who is in his mid 60s. He has no children, never been married and until 4 years ago, had lives with my grandmother (his mum) his whole life.

Since she died he has really struggled to learn how to navigate life as she literally did all the life admin for him. He didn't even know how to boil an egg. As a result he has relied quite a lot on some extended family, including myself, for company, using a computer (he has no IT skills), and general venting.

I won't lie - it has become a bit of a burden. Mostly because he is quite honestly, deluded. He has had his house on and off the market for 3 years now, but when he gets a buyer he gets cold feet and withdraws. When he has found a house he likes, he also pulls out for strange reasons when he finds out something about the current owner's personality.

Since childhood he has had a dream to live in a remote part of the country 300 miles away from family. He has been talking about doing this his mum died, and been down there 3 times to see houses. But then he gets cold feet about this. If he lived in this location it would be very difficult to get to hospitals etc, and he's currently awaiting 3 operations.

He calls the family all the time to talk about houses on the market, and what a job it will be to pick up his current house. When he has been in the process of buying /selling I took a week off work to help him pack boxes, but now those boxes have been there for years. We all find it very draining, as we have listened to this for over 3 years now. I now think it is all a dream only, and he doesn't want to let this dream go, but also doesn't want to make a decision and have the hard work.

I've got to the point where I don't want to listen to it anymore, but he gets very hurt if we don't want to talk to him, and is always saying he's alone and no one will help him. I think he will worry himself to death before long, so I try to be understanding as i know it's stressful for him.

Would I be unreasonable to say I don't want to hear about it anymore? It feels unkind but I am so drained.

Thats worth knowing. I'll keep it in mind. 🙏 Thank you.

Though TBH at the mo I've had to take a biiiig step back as every bit of help I've offered (after they've asked) has been met with 'we'll see, but we have to get sorted first.' Then they do nothing about it.
I can't do stuff for them, sadly. 😩

It sounds like he needs a smaller house or bungalow, or supported living of some kind, rather than some remote area, where he will have no support. Would he accept some guidance from family? Also he sounds as if anxiety is a problem, are their any well being centres in your area? We have Life Rooms, run by the NHS, there is a varied programme of activities, such as music appreciation, shared reading, crafts, computer skills and they also advise on benefits and healthy eating etc. I am in my 70s and although I am not anxious and have good mental health,I am not really very sociable, I realised last year, that I did need more interaction with other people and joined a shared reading group and chair based keep fit class, so that my life was more varied.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

Unfortunately, I don't think this man's mother did him any favours by doing everything and infantilising him as she did. She may have done it with the best of intentions, but he hasn't learned to stand on his own two feet at all.

My MIL could be very like that with my BIL. Always bailed him out, had him living with her and always picked up the pieces of any of his regular fuck-ups no matter what they were. He just learned to be dependent on her and has wobbled from one disaster to the next since she died a decade ago.

Could you be more directive? Ask him how he sees his life in 10 years. Does he have any interests? Could he move into a retirement village type place with some activities happening and a restaurant for main meals? Would he go to an Age UK day centre? Is there anyone he will listen to regards moving? Or Maybe look for a quirky 2 bed a lot cheaper, near where he is now so he releases some cash to live on and does not have to worry. It is very hard though. Were have had similar.

Contact Age UK, explain the situation and see if they can offer any practical help. Would he not give you Power of Attorney so that you can make any decisions for him.

Did he used to work or did he inherit his mother's house?

And if that "learned helplessness" is the result of an underlying condition, then all the tough love in the world is not going to cure it.

How did he get universal credit? Who helped him apply? And how is he eligible when he owns a house worth so much?

Even so it's not the OP's problem.
Stop helping could also mean calling social services and letting them deal with it. It's what they are there for.
Especially if special needs are involved, OP is neither a professional not this man's sole living relative.
What else do you suggest she do?

I helped him. He got to the point where he had to apply as he ran out of money. The house value isn't taken into account, only savings.

Yes he used to work. He owned the house

He thinks he will move to this remote village and be welcomed with open arms into the community. He thinks there will be plenty of willing people who will welcome him into the fold, and he will spend the rest of his days having lovely walks in the countryside.

It's a part of the country that is well known for not liking outsiders, so I don't think it will be as lovely as he imagines.

What's his UC claim based on though? He can't just be saying he refuses to work, and then they bail him out. Is he ill? Carer? Disabled?

It's essentially Jobseeker's Allowance, but now it's just UC as there's no such thing as JSA

He can’t be all that incapable if he worked until a few years ago.
Disengage to save your own sanity, otherwise you’ll become a replacement for his mum and your life will essentially consist of trying to look after him while he blocks everything you try to do to help him. You’ll spend time and energy finding him somewhere nice to live, he’ll go along with it then refuse to move in. Rinse and repeat.
If social services need to be involved, they should be involved. If that causes him to have a meltdown so be it.

Suggest to him having a conversation with a social worker about his options for moving out of area and what support he might benefit from.
Sheltered accommodation, supported living, warden control housing.
Benefits check, connection to voluntary community, local social groups, statutory support, he could start volunteering or benefit from having a volunteer to talk to, IAPT or CMHT involvement , what about council funding for heating / house maintenance, how bad is the house - hoarding means fire services need notifying or if the property is falling into disrepair to a
dangerous point, application for housing could be completed with support from a professional (evidence will be needed and can be supplied by adult social care and health) , digital eagles , library IT drop in sessions, citizens advice for any post queries, sensory team? Equipment? Safely alerts?
HAS could offer lots of support.

So he doesn't have to maintain his claim then? They don't actually check if he's jobseeking? What I'm wondering is if he's just taking you all for a ride... he's quite capable, but, if he's lazy, why bother, when he can sit around talking pipedreams with you all day long?

Is that possible? And meanwhile, he's keeping up the pretence that he's looking for work, so that his benefits keep coming in?

He's currently signed off by the GP in relation to the health issues he's awaiting operations for. I'm not sure if it's laziness or anxious about change and moving on - so he wants to stand still.

I think a retirement village is a great suggestion. One where they have activities, a restaurant and can buy in care if they need it.

Today is the best he's going to be, as he ages and his health deteriorates things are going to get worse, especially if he's eating poorly and not heating the house.

Someone mentioned asking for POA but I think that he would have to be judged as not having capacity before you could use it?

Is he autistic? I've seen similar traits in friends/ex partners?

I'm not sure if it's laziness or anxious about change and moving on - so he wants to stand still.

Lots of people with ASD in our family and this is a trait I recognise. I'm not sure if it's laziness or anxiety but either way, it's not going to change, no matter how hard you try.

That was really kind and loving of you to take a week off work to help pack cases. The fact that this was years ago and he's done nothing concrete about moving just shows how little you can actually do to help him move on with his life.

This is his problem and not yours. I know that sounds cruel, but you can only live your own life, not his. You've listened, tried to help and you can do no more.

It sounds as though he leans on many of the extended family. How do they feel about it all? Can you have a group chat to make a plan? Even if you can't, your uncle has other family and is a grown man, capable of running his own life in the past and now. Set boundaries that protect you...that's the only thing you can really control in your dealings with him.

I have a friend like this Op, he has no family now and feels cut adrift from life. Parents mean well but making all the decisions for your DC and never letting them be responsible for their own life even as an adult isn't the kindness it seems to be. They get so used to having someone to take care of them that when that person's gone they desperately search out someone else to take their place, lots of people will take on a child but adults are different, everyone wants them to take care of themselves.
I understand why you feel conflicted but if you could steer them in the right direction it would be a great kindness

That's the next PPI scandal waiting in the wings !

but he has noone to leave to it wont really matter