Boyfriend and drugs - end it?

[dineofluty]

My boyfriend (21, same age as me) is an occasional drug user and it’s really bothering me. When I met him it was much, much more frequent but I asked him to cut down and he did so he’s changed a lot since then. I really, really hate drugs - the risks, the effects they have on people, and the morality surrounding them (county lines, dealers etc).

He started smoking weed daily at 14. At 16 he was round at his mates every weekend having “seshes” - doing ketamine, cocaine, MDMA and weed all at the same time. This was two years of doing this every single weekend. Nowadays he isn’t a daily weed smoker - he does it about twice a month when he sees certain friends and that’s it. I asked him to completely stop with the ketamine and cocaine, as I had seen him on both of these and those experiences resulted in me basically having a panic attack each time. He said yes to that and has kept his promise and I know he will never touch them again.

He mentioned last week he was going to his mates for a “sesh”. I asked what this would involve and he said weed, then paused for a while then said “and probably MDMA”. He knows exactly how I feel about this and I’m genuinely considering ending the relationship over it, which would be a shame because in every other way it’s perfect. I can deal with the odd bit of weed but anything else is a nope. We’ve talked and he’s not willing to give it up, he said this will happen no more than once a year from now on, and he goes to “let loose”. But even using MDMA once a year bugs me. I don’t understand the need to use illicit substances to “let loose”.

I think a reason I feel conflicted is because he basically had no chance of avoiding drugs. His mum was a drug user when she was younger - she used to drop my boyfriend off at his dads on the weekends so she could “get off her face” with her friends. When he started smoking weed at 14 she had no problem with it and even encouraged it. At his 16th birthday party she knew that “everyone there was sniffing” and she just found it funny and had no issue with it. We’re talking about a house full of 15/16 year old children being allowed to use class A drugs here. She’s smoked weed with him on numerous occasions and knows he’s “done all sorts of drugs”.

His dad is also a heavy user - daily weed smoker, coke/MDMA on nights out. He asks my boyfriend to get weed for him sometimes. My boyfriend’s 15 year old cousin is going the same way my boyfriend did - heavy daily weed smoker, has done MDMA, ketamine and LSD. I was over at his dads house on NYE last year and three of his cousins (ages 15, 18 and 20) were taking ecstasy pills, and this wasn’t a problem for anyone in the family. My boyfriends entire family encourage it and I feel so sorry for him, but equally I don’t want to be a part of that family. My brother is 15 and I’d be devastated if he was doing ketamine or ecstasy, or even smoking cigarettes.

I love him so much and we’ve been together for a long time, and he’s changed a hell of a lot from what he used to be - from multiple illicit substances every weekend to MDMA once a year. But it still upsets me and I don’t know what to do. Any advice appreciated.

You've said it upsets you. That's all that matters. You don't say if you have kids? This is normal behaviour to him. He has told you he will not give up his once a year mdma. So it's now up to you to decide if it it's ok or not.

Leave him. It’s simple.

your values are not aligned. In one sentence you say he’ll never do those drugs again and then you are saying he’s doing it this weekend.

think forward, if you stay with him, get married and have children do you want coke heads at the wedding? Do you want children with a man who spends his spare money on drugs? He certainly wouldn’t be safe to leave the children with and what about when Nannie want the kids to play. You’ve seen how she behaves and bought up your boyfriend. Would you leave your children with a drug addict??

you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t compromise it for someone who will only bring you misery

And speaking as an old fogie, you are so young. You can do way better. You've also gotten used to this relationship

The problem is that it’s habitual and a crutch. Also he has no interest in getting off it. Consider this life long, like his father and see if you fit into that picture.

Even better imagine your child(ten) going into school and innocently discussing their dads drug use so all the bells and whistles go off and the staff have to note it and eventually you end up with SS at the door.

I would end it. You want a drug free life and he doesn’t

Given his long history with it and his family attitude, the chances are very high that he will turn to drugs throughout his life to deal with stress.

You are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you.

@wizzywig We don’t have children nor do we want them.

@Temporaryname158 It was the cocaine and ketamine he said he will never use again. We never spoke about MDMA. We don’t want children and his mum doesn’t use drugs at all anymore, although if we did have kids I wouldn’t be leaving them with her. He doesn’t buy any drugs, when he smokes socially it’s his friends that have bought them. He is not paying for the MDMA.

@RudsyFarmer That’s true, I couldn’t be with him if he turned out like his dad. His dad is a nice person but has had a shitty life and pretty much lives in poverty. I know weed makes people content with doing nothing and I don’t want that in a partner.

@Rainbowqueeen Thanks for the advice.

Definitely end it. Or is that the bar you set for yourself?

My view ...He isn't an addict he's a recreational user who is being very honest with you. He could have lied , you would have been non the wiser

Mdna &weed morally isn't county lines etc it's made in people's homes
Yes coke has moral implications and isn't cheap

Drugs are no worse than drinking and often have fewer negatives , you don't see anyone on mdna or weed fighting or being aggressive so I am unsure why you have panic attacks if he dabbles occasionally. Obviously if this is a deal breaker for you then you are perfectly entitled to that boundary

To be honest, him and his mum and their drug use sound really skanky. Can you imagine a future where you have children with him and that is the model family that he will be drawing on? Can you imagine having any relationship with his mum?

You are 21 and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't spend it with people like this.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy Aside from the twice monthly joint and once yearly MDMA he is great. He is super kind and looks after me, he’s supported me with my mental health, makes me smile, does nice things for me every day etc.

@Maddy70 He definitely isn’t an addict. The problem is the drug use in and of itself, not whether it’s a habit or not. I had a bad upbringing, although in a complete different way to my boyfriend. My parents were extremely controlling and as a result I never had any friends. I’ve never been on a night out, never drank alcohol, never done any of that. I don’t see the point in any of it anyway, and drugs have a lot of risks (yes MDMA less so than coke but they’re still there). I had never been exposed to drugs and never wanted to be, so walking into the kitchen to find my boyfriend in a K-hole was fucking terrifying.

My main problem is that chemically, he has no way of knowing what he is snorting. He has no clue if the batch of MDMA he’s using contains PMA or any other lethal substance. He also has no idea if he will react badly. His entire reasoning for it being okay is that “I’ve done it loads of times before and been fine”, and compared the risks of drugs to rollercoasters. Imo it’s such a stupid thing to say and I hate him using it.

WTF OP. You realise regardless of whether this is normal and acceptable in his household, circle of friends you realise this is an exception right? This is NOT normal
Most people DONT do drugs like this on a regular basis.
You'd be blindingly stupid to stay with someone in this environment when you full well know they won't change. The fact that you even consider what you'd have to do if you had a child (I.e not leaving them with his mum) is actually ludicrous.
Take a step back and ask yourself whether you actually want to be with someone who you will always worry about or whether you can actually be with someone you deserve who doesn't fill you with those feelings of fear and doubt.

You are not compatible if you don't have the same views on drugs. It will never ever work.
You're 21. Get yourself out of this situation

I don’t want children but even being around his dads side of the family makes me anxious. His 15 year old cousins constantly talking about how many bongs he’s had, how he wants to do acid later, how he did MDMA the other day, his 13 year old cousin being allowed to drink cider whenever she wants etc.

Where I live sadly this is the norm, it’s a very poverty-stricken area and a lot of people live like this. But I want better than this (and my boyfriend says he does too).

I don’t understand why you are wasting your time and youth on this druggie loser.
I’m sorry, but I can’t imagine staying with someone who does drugs, it’s so far from my reality to have people in your life who do any drugs, that I can’t picture it.

Why would you be with someone who brings this non-sense into your life? At the scummy people to boot?

Dump his useless ass.

Please leave him .. you are only 21 with your life ahead of you. I have a couple of family members who started like this, cut down and then their life spiralled out of control. He will only drag you down with him. Do you really want to be with someone who's idea of a 'good time' is having a 'sesh'.
Does he work, have hobbies, interests?

Please, raise your standards, concentrate on your life, your ambitions and future.

Around here it’s quite common for people to do these drugs regularly. Not most people, but a large proportion.

He currently has maximum 2 joints per month and this MDMA is an annual thing. I would be okay with the joints but the MDMA makes me uneasy.

I wouldn’t leave any kids with his mum for other reasons. She hasn’t touched drugs for years but she is highly irresponsible in other ways. She had my boyfriend at 14 and has seemingly never grown up.

Thank you for the advice.

He may be doing little at the moment when things are good, but he'll almost certainly start doing it more when things get hard, which they do for everyone, i.e. redundancy, bereavement, stress at work, etc etc. Drugs ruin lives. Run for the hills and don't look back. He's had the chance (and your support) to be clean and come off them - he clearly doesn't want to! You're staring at a life of misery sadly unless you get out of it and leave him to his precious "sesh's"

My advice to you would be to get the hell out of that area and away from him. In 20 years time he will be just like his mum. It doesn't matter what he says he wants from life, he is showing you all the time that he enjoys that kind of lifestyle.

What are your options now? What is your job? Where would you love to live?

Yes he works full time at the same place I do, and is currently close to being promoted. He works hard. He goes to the gym, plays guitar, reads, is teaching himself languages, wants to go travelling etc. You would never be able to guess what sort of past he had. If he would just quit the once a year MDMA everything would be fine.

Also I don’t have anyone else to rely on. I don’t speak to my parents, I have no friends or other close family. I can’t afford to live on my own. And I don’t want to either really.

But isn't that the point?
We are talking about drugs here. You shouldn't have to compromise. If you don't like or agree with mdma then don't be with someone who will use it, albeit only twice a year.
It may be normal in your area but it isn't normal overall and you have the freedom to choose what environment you want to be in a nd potentially what environment you'd rase children in.

You're very young, what's stopping you from leaving the area and finding your feet elsewhere?

I just want to say that he is nothing like his mum. She is a very selfish person and my boyfriend could not be more different. He works so hard at work, everyone likes him, we’re saving up for a house deposit, he’s applied for a degree course to help himself secure a promotion or a graduate job etc. If he’d just agree to completely drop the MD I would be perfectly fine with the relationship.

I don’t have many options tbh. I work at a supermarket for just above minimum wage and don’t know what I want to do with my life. I would love to live in Northumberland or in the Lakes. A nice, quiet and simple life would suit me.

It's a shame as he sounds like he has good qualities but unfortunately drugs are his norm thanks to his frankly neglectful family exposing him from such a young age.

He's said that he intends to continue his usage, so it's up to you how you respond. If you want no drugs (same as me) then you'll walk away.

I don't like to forecast but it isn't like a young person from a more normal background experimenting. Even him reducing drugs so far is deviating from what he knows and has been 'for' you, not because he sees anything wrong with it. Therefore I wouldn't expect him to want to cut down over time, I would probably expect him to want to go back to his norm in times of stress.

I know, you’re right. And the MDMA is only once a year but the point still stands.

I hate this area and what it does to people. Most people who are born here stay here. There were so, so many teen pregnancies at my school, I know so many people who use drugs regularly. There is poverty and crime everywhere and I hate it so much.

I work at minimum wage and have no idea what to do with my life. I have excellent academic grades but don’t know what uni course or job to get. And I don’t know how to go about moving, getting a career etc. It’s never been explained to me or presented as an option.

Oh and you have all the options in the world, I can tell by your posts that you write beautifully and are very intelligent and think things through thoroughly. Nothing wrong in taking some time to decide what you want from life but please don't be thinking you have few options.

You say you really, really hate drugs, but you can't do that much as otherwise you just wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who was involved with drugs.

I really really hate drugs, I have actively chosen to not have relationship with anyone who does drugs. It doesn't matter how many other positives there are, the drugs would outweigh all of that for me.

If you really really hate drugs, don't get involved with people who do them, it really is that simple.

Anything else is just excuses.

Do you have any general ideas what sort of work or field may be of interest to you, any news stories, books or conversations where you've thought 'ooh, I think I would quite like working on something like that?