Boyfriend and drugs - end it?

[dineofluty]

My boyfriend (21, same age as me) is an occasional drug user and it’s really bothering me. When I met him it was much, much more frequent but I asked him to cut down and he did so he’s changed a lot since then. I really, really hate drugs - the risks, the effects they have on people, and the morality surrounding them (county lines, dealers etc).

He started smoking weed daily at 14. At 16 he was round at his mates every weekend having “seshes” - doing ketamine, cocaine, MDMA and weed all at the same time. This was two years of doing this every single weekend. Nowadays he isn’t a daily weed smoker - he does it about twice a month when he sees certain friends and that’s it. I asked him to completely stop with the ketamine and cocaine, as I had seen him on both of these and those experiences resulted in me basically having a panic attack each time. He said yes to that and has kept his promise and I know he will never touch them again.

He mentioned last week he was going to his mates for a “sesh”. I asked what this would involve and he said weed, then paused for a while then said “and probably MDMA”. He knows exactly how I feel about this and I’m genuinely considering ending the relationship over it, which would be a shame because in every other way it’s perfect. I can deal with the odd bit of weed but anything else is a nope. We’ve talked and he’s not willing to give it up, he said this will happen no more than once a year from now on, and he goes to “let loose”. But even using MDMA once a year bugs me. I don’t understand the need to use illicit substances to “let loose”.

I think a reason I feel conflicted is because he basically had no chance of avoiding drugs. His mum was a drug user when she was younger - she used to drop my boyfriend off at his dads on the weekends so she could “get off her face” with her friends. When he started smoking weed at 14 she had no problem with it and even encouraged it. At his 16th birthday party she knew that “everyone there was sniffing” and she just found it funny and had no issue with it. We’re talking about a house full of 15/16 year old children being allowed to use class A drugs here. She’s smoked weed with him on numerous occasions and knows he’s “done all sorts of drugs”.

His dad is also a heavy user - daily weed smoker, coke/MDMA on nights out. He asks my boyfriend to get weed for him sometimes. My boyfriend’s 15 year old cousin is going the same way my boyfriend did - heavy daily weed smoker, has done MDMA, ketamine and LSD. I was over at his dads house on NYE last year and three of his cousins (ages 15, 18 and 20) were taking ecstasy pills, and this wasn’t a problem for anyone in the family. My boyfriends entire family encourage it and I feel so sorry for him, but equally I don’t want to be a part of that family. My brother is 15 and I’d be devastated if he was doing ketamine or ecstasy, or even smoking cigarettes.

I love him so much and we’ve been together for a long time, and he’s changed a hell of a lot from what he used to be - from multiple illicit substances every weekend to MDMA once a year. But it still upsets me and I don’t know what to do. Any advice appreciated.

Well with his immediate family showing him that this is as normal as having a cup of tea, i think you might have to cut your losses. Id give a final ultimatum if you want to never do anything like that again or your over OR just end it. At 21 blokes are generally still immature and easily led. Its not really until 30 they grow up! You need to consider if you want to be on edge everytime he visits these mates hes on the sesh with, promising to you he wont do it, will you trust him? When hes telling you youre boring snd nagging because he wants to have fun etc etc snd making you feel bad until you give in. Imo move on. Hes making his choice

If he's so great and happily gave up the cocaine and ketamine for you then why won't he give up MDMA? Or better still all drugs?

I don't see this lasting OP - and if it does at some point it's going to end up dragging you down in one way or another. You need to just focus on you and getting out of the shit hole place you live in. Start focusing on what you're going to do at uni - he's already dragging you down and your mind away from where it should be with all this talk of MDMA and letting loose - whatever the fuck that means.

You suffer with anxiety - start working on that, you've had a very difficult upbringing - get any help you can with that - and start looking forward. Away from this place and these people - and this person who you currently see as 'almost perfect' but probably is very far from it, you just don't know any better because of your upbringing.

You need to concentrate on yourself and be completely selfish for a while, don't let this hold you back. I wouldn't trust this bloke for a minute, who knows what he's doing when you're not around - or what he'll do when you're off at uni. Let him go to sink or swim and sort yourself out.

It's the normality of it within his family that would worry me the most Op.

He takes an E once a year 🙄. Bit of an overreaction to say the least.

OP take into consideration that on Mumsnet anyone that has more than a sherry at Xmas is an alcoholic and anyone that has the occasional line is a drug addict responsible for the world's prostitution and the destruction of the Amazon.

You are 21 and the reality is that most people your age will be experimenting with drugs. I was at a top university and pretty much everyone did there as well.

I understand how you feel with the anxiety. I've suffered badly with anxiety in the past and an Ex used to get really pissed sometimes and my anxiety was through the roof worrying about him getting home, getting in a fight, ruining his health etc. I'd try and explain this to him. He sounds like he has listened to you so far so it might give him the impetus to give up this last thing.

I think that if you both love each other then the best thing for both of you to do would be to move away to a new area together. He needs to keep his family and friends at arms length if he wants to keep clean from drugs. It sounds like he only uses drugs when he is with his friends, out of habit, since they are. Could you both apply and go to uni in a town/city far away? Rent a double room in a houseshare?

Obviously you shouldn’t put an ultimatum on him that to be in a relationship with you, he needs to ditch his family/friends. That wouldn’t be fair. But I would word it more like - I think we should make a fresh start together in a new town, away from temptations and old lifestyles. If we are going to have a future together then any drug taking is a red line for me, so the best plan is to remove ourselves from the temptation.

Massive overreaction. And I say this as someone who's brother was a heroin addict and is exactly as you describe.

He's taking the odd E and a spliff. Completely different!

You sound like my dd similar age. She thought he would change/get help but he didn’t. It took her a long time to confide in me because she thought she could change him but he was doing it behind her back. They did eventually finish but it took her many months to see the light. Is there any chance he could be doing more drugs behind your back?

If it makes you feel so uncomfortable, then definitely end it. You are so young and you have all the time in the world to find the right person for you. Sounds like your lifestyles are just too different.

I'm not someone who is puritanical about people's drug use, but I think it's important to note that the people who traffic cocaine also dominate the market for cannabis and other things as well. Using any illegal drug is feeding into that same black market that funds violent cartels in other parts of the world unless you're growing/making your own.

MDMA completely changed my life. I was in my 40s when I first tried it. It gave me a whole new perspective on myself and restored my inner balance. It's obvious why it was such a successful drug in psychotherapy long ago and is now being used again for that purpose. I made many positive changes in my life as a result and am now about 500% more successful in every aspect than I was back then.

I don't have much of a social life nowadays so can't remember the last time I took it, but conversations on MDMA are wonderful. Alcohol, on the other hand, is the worst drug in the world...

I think if you can't cope with him doing MDMA once a year, you should definitely split up.

Sorry, should have said, the chart is from the Lancet article "Drug harms in the UK: a multicriteria decision analysis" (2010)

https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736%2810%2961462-6/fulltext

There’s no chance. We live together, work together, spend every minute of most days and nights together. And he is so, so honest with me. He had a girlfriend before me who lied about everything and he was hurt a lot and so on our first date he said something along the line of “I want something where honesty and trust is prioritised” and it has been. Every question I’ve ever asked him has been met with an honest answer.

Agreed. A relative of mine suffered terribly with mental health issues. Ok the advice of someone doing research in the field he takes mdna. Whole new perspective on his relationships and outlook. Some interesting research out there but this thread isn't about this but I am glad you've found similar outcomes

"I Love him so much and we’ve been together for a long time"

I do not doubt you love him but do you really know what love is?. This seems to be a codependent relationship and you're still getting what you want out of it (that's why you're really with him now). Being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship though does not work, neither approach works.

You also do not really know what a mutually healthy and respectful relationship is mainly because no-one's ever been bothered to show you (and this is not it either).

I sincerely hope I am wrong here but I cannot see you actually going to uni in 2024 either. You keep putting it off and put up obstacles in your way by stating that you're otherwise busy in the meantime.

The second part of your comment sounds like the sunk costs fallacy. People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.
Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

How long have you been together?. Did you meet not too long after you became estranged from your own abusive family?.

I think it sensible to leave him. Whilst I'm not puritanical about drug use, having worked in the field, there is certain consequences that comes with the life style even if it is recreational. Recreational can easily lead to problematic use that can lead to addiction. 21 is too young to be saddled with the potential risk. Choose someone is doesn't have this lifestyle.

Been there done that,it only ever gets worse,please remember users usually lie! Get rid.

We’ve been together for nearly three years. And I became fully estranged from my family after we had gotten together. Before then I lived with my parents and every single day was awful.

I think I do know what love is. I never did before but now I think I do. I know that if I’m anxious about anything then my boyfriend will always be there to hold me and reassure and encourage me. I feel safe with him and he makes me happy. Also, he is the one encouraging me to go to university and try new hobbies and get outside more and work towards things. I’m the one getting in my own way, usually because I’m anxious but also because I think I’m not worth it a lot of the time (which again, he helps me through this).

We both work full time in a low paid but physically demanding job. We exercise, we eat well, we want to get degrees and good jobs and move away. We want to travel and go on holidays, we want to buy a house, get a dog, just have a nice simple life. We both want these things. If we can just speak about this issue and get it sorted then we will be on the right track.

I don’t want to break up with him because of his dodgy family either. He has as much reason to break up with me for mine.

@AttilaTheMeerkat wow that is such an informative post. I can see you know what you are talking about. It relates a lot to my DD’s previous relationship. Thank you.

I wish you well op.

You met this person at 18 and after all the toxic crap and abuse you went through with your family meeting this man must have felt like both fresh air and a way out. But you've basically gone from what was and is a living hell into a relationship with a man who himself is from an emotionally unhealthy and dysfunctional family where addiction is present. We tend to repeat what is already known to us and you're clinging onto each other.

You've stated intention to want these things; has he really done the self same?. Does he want the same as you say you do?. This is who he is and he is not going to change unless he himself wants to make changes and not for you either, it has to be for him. Look at what he does, do not get taken in by mere words. You for your own part have placed obstacles in your path to go to university citing that you are busy for the next year. Even if you did go then (and I sincerely hope you do) there is no guarantee whatsoever he will do the same. Words are cheap OP; its actions that count.

Where do you see yourself going forward?. I can honestly still see you in the same position in a year's time and again I sincerely hope you prove me wrong.

"I think I do know what love is. I never did before but now I think I do. I know that if I’m anxious about anything then my boyfriend will always be there to hold me and reassure and encourage me. I feel safe with him and he makes me happy. Also, he is the one encouraging me to go to university and try new hobbies and get outside more and work towards things. I’m the one getting in my own way, usually because I’m anxious but also because I think I’m not worth it a lot of the time (which again, he helps me through this)".

What is your definition of love?.

Kindly put he is your current bf, not your therapist nor should he be acting as such (I am in particular referring to the last sentence in your comment). You in turn cannot use him as a crutch and you need to find a professional person to work with in regard to the anxiety (along with perhaps fear, obligation and guilt) that your dysfunctional childhood caused. This is why I have said that acting as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works; you're both each others rescuer/saviour really.

Have you ever had therapy to deal with your toxic family and childhood leading from them?. What happened to you here was not your fault; you were but a child at the time and the fault lies entirely with your parents. They had a choice when it came to you and they chose to repeat the same old that was done to them.

We live together, work together, spend every minute of most days and nights together

This sounds so unhealthy

I married the love of my life at 23, also a "few times a year" type. We ended at 33 because I wanted a baby and he wanted to keep having fun.

I have a little one now and messaged ex on his bday. 41 and had a rager of a night with his 45 yr old brother.

Neither of us is wrong, but I'm glad we aren't together. My bday is next month and I want to spend it with a toddler.

Some people change and some don't.

Going to university is the easiest way of moving away. It's far far easier than getting a degree and then moving. There's such a huge proportion of people at university who have moved away. Have a look at universities in the Northumberland region if you think you like it there. I agree with a previous poster that you are putting things off. You could get in for the September if you wanted to and so could your boyfriend if he has the qualifications.

I really think you should put yourself first. Given your family don't prioritise shit, you have to prioritise yourself.

I have no idea if this would help you but it's worth a look:
https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/

Does the company you work for have any career progression? Someone there you can talk to?

Where you live sounds a LOT like where I live - this stuff is so normalised, it's really hard for people like him to see it as shocking when everyone you know is like that. I feel for him and it does sound like he's made strides.

But you're not comfortable with what you're not comfortable with and you can only change your behaviour: he's said he doesn't want to give it up altogether, you can't change that. The only thing you can change is what you do in response.

(I know plenty of functioning, well-earning, generally responsible adults who smoke weed, take MDMA occasionally, etc. I don't particularly think that's a barrier to him being a good partner in itself - the issue I think is that if everyone around him does it very regularly, it's going to be tough to keep boundaries in place. AND if you're not comfortable with it full stop, that's absolutely your right)