Boyfriend and drugs - end it?

[dineofluty]

My boyfriend (21, same age as me) is an occasional drug user and it’s really bothering me. When I met him it was much, much more frequent but I asked him to cut down and he did so he’s changed a lot since then. I really, really hate drugs - the risks, the effects they have on people, and the morality surrounding them (county lines, dealers etc).

He started smoking weed daily at 14. At 16 he was round at his mates every weekend having “seshes” - doing ketamine, cocaine, MDMA and weed all at the same time. This was two years of doing this every single weekend. Nowadays he isn’t a daily weed smoker - he does it about twice a month when he sees certain friends and that’s it. I asked him to completely stop with the ketamine and cocaine, as I had seen him on both of these and those experiences resulted in me basically having a panic attack each time. He said yes to that and has kept his promise and I know he will never touch them again.

He mentioned last week he was going to his mates for a “sesh”. I asked what this would involve and he said weed, then paused for a while then said “and probably MDMA”. He knows exactly how I feel about this and I’m genuinely considering ending the relationship over it, which would be a shame because in every other way it’s perfect. I can deal with the odd bit of weed but anything else is a nope. We’ve talked and he’s not willing to give it up, he said this will happen no more than once a year from now on, and he goes to “let loose”. But even using MDMA once a year bugs me. I don’t understand the need to use illicit substances to “let loose”.

I think a reason I feel conflicted is because he basically had no chance of avoiding drugs. His mum was a drug user when she was younger - she used to drop my boyfriend off at his dads on the weekends so she could “get off her face” with her friends. When he started smoking weed at 14 she had no problem with it and even encouraged it. At his 16th birthday party she knew that “everyone there was sniffing” and she just found it funny and had no issue with it. We’re talking about a house full of 15/16 year old children being allowed to use class A drugs here. She’s smoked weed with him on numerous occasions and knows he’s “done all sorts of drugs”.

His dad is also a heavy user - daily weed smoker, coke/MDMA on nights out. He asks my boyfriend to get weed for him sometimes. My boyfriend’s 15 year old cousin is going the same way my boyfriend did - heavy daily weed smoker, has done MDMA, ketamine and LSD. I was over at his dads house on NYE last year and three of his cousins (ages 15, 18 and 20) were taking ecstasy pills, and this wasn’t a problem for anyone in the family. My boyfriends entire family encourage it and I feel so sorry for him, but equally I don’t want to be a part of that family. My brother is 15 and I’d be devastated if he was doing ketamine or ecstasy, or even smoking cigarettes.

I love him so much and we’ve been together for a long time, and he’s changed a hell of a lot from what he used to be - from multiple illicit substances every weekend to MDMA once a year. But it still upsets me and I don’t know what to do. Any advice appreciated.

I would end it. The relationship is only going to bring you down in the end and you sound like a bright young lady who wants more for herself. It might be difficult to start with but in the long run you won't regret it.
You have your whole life ahead of you and you deserve someone who has the same morals as you and you can build a lovely life together that is drug free. Doesn't that sound lovely?
Good luck, you can have the life that you always dreamt of ❤️

Personally his level of use would not bother me at all - I’m pretty relaxed about drugs especially MDMA, occasional weed, and I agree with PP above that these two drugs are far less concerning ethically.

However you clearly have huge anxieties about drugs and that is perfectly understandable. What would concern me most about your future with him is his family - really habitual users who will be part of your life going forward. I can’t see this working long-term

Yes that’s why I find it so difficult to think about. He is hands down the kindest soul I’ve ever met. He does whatever he can to help people. I almost hate his family for what they exposed him to, and for just not being good parents (there are other terrible things that were overlooked when he was a teenager and it breaks my heart he had to go through that).

I think I might have to give him an ultimatum. After that it’s his choice as to whether this continues.

And yes that’s true. I forgot to mention so far that his best mate is the one who initially got him involved in this stuff - this mate has had a really traumatic upbringing and was drug dealing from the age of 13. I’ve met him and he’s nice but all he seems to talk about is drugs.

When my boyfriend agreed to stop the coke/ket he said “I can go through life thinking you’re slightly unreasonable for thinking the way you do but that’s fine, I won’t do them again”. So you’re right, it’s nothing to do with him seeing them as wrong.

I would say though, it’s never been a stress thing for him. He did it more when he was happy/relaxed. He said it was fun to get together with his mates and have those experiences. He is more stressed now than he’s even been and to cope he just wants hugs, to watch comfort TV shows and stroke the cats.

I have zero tolerance for drugs.

It isn't normal behaviour. Most of us get through our lives drug free.

You say you don't want children, you are 21.
In a couple of years you may change your mind and what then?
Do you want a drug user being the father to your children?

Why don't you make the decision to go to university either in September or if you need more time, next September? If you are interested in that, you could start another thread about which subjects to take etc and which university to go to. If you tell your partner he can decide whether he does something similar. However, I think he has a pull to your hometown and that could be the downfall of the relationship.

You are clearly very bright and you don't fit in in that hometown. Now is your chance to get out and train in something that will keep you secure for the rest of your life.

It's up to him what he does, but I think he will always return there.

@Frogmila I enjoy reading about science, crime, nature, things like that. Don’t know what field of work I would like though.

@NotMyDayJob I didn’t know about his extensive history when I got with him. As soon as I asked though he was honest and he’d mostly stopped by then. The guy I see and spend time with every day is a far cry from what I imagine his 16 year old self before. I think I wanted to give him a chance.

@elliebelliex Thank you.

@Rockingchai Yes that’s the biggest concern I think. My siblings are all like me - very sheltered, shy, anxious etc. If this continues they will likely meet my boyfriends family at some point and I can’t think of two more fundamentally different families than these two. For example, my boyfriends 15 year old cousin regularly using class A drugs and smoking weed daily, compared to my 15 year old brother who gets straight 9s in school, plays Pokémon go in his spare time, loves doctor who and who will never drink/smoke/do drugs in his lifetime. I want to protect my siblings.

I agree completely with this. Occasional MDMA use wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I'd much rather he did this than drink alcohol which is more likely to affect him negatively health wise and me negatively behaviour wise.

I’m planning to go to university in September 2024, I just have no idea what to study. I previously made a thread and people made some good suggestions although I still can’t decide. I just want a secure job/career that pays okay and will give me a decent work/life balance so that I can pursue my interests.

He will be studying for a degree through our local college, and only because he is close to being promoted at work and the degree ties into his job so he should get a further promotion after that. After his degree he wants to get out of here, we both hate it.

You sound very mature for 21 op and come across as really articulate and intelligent. Ditch the boyfriend and move away and use your good grades to build a stable future. You're anti-drugs and be is pro-drugs, it won't work.

I’m pretty anti drugs. I’m not sure the drugs/ alcohol argument is valid or even matters. Alcohol has clear labelling and you know what you’re getting. Not the case with MDMA and weed.

OP, I would normally say ‘leave’ but I’m going to go slightly against the grain here.

He has made tremendous strides over the last few years, and against all odds. He could have gone the way his mum and dad have, but he’s done much better. He seems to have many redeeming qualities.

If he’s a reader, and bright, can you send him information about MDMA and weed?
And maybe talk to him about how you want to shape YOUR life, and what will be a part of your life and what you will consciously keep out.
And then give it a bit of time ( the best lessons are ones we learn ourself- not ones which have been pushed on us).

But, I wonder about you. You’re 21, you’ve had a rough time and it sounds like you are estranged from your parents. Figure out the life you want and live it.

I wish this could be my viewpoint. I really wish I could think like this. I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder at a young age and it’s never gone away, and this is the one thing in our relationship that makes me this anxious. Also, his prior history with drugs does worry me. Not because I think it will happen again, but I think because I have a fundamentally different view to him and I genuinely don’t see how he didn’t have any worry about the risks of taking ket, coke, MDMA and weed all at the same time. It all just sounds like unnecessary risky behaviour.

Tbh it doesnt really matter. He is a drugs user he's probably going to increase the drug use. Any weed user I know is boring as hell and end up smoking more and more. Become a hindrance to their partner and kids etc and are generally a grifter/cocklodger
But whatever floats your boat.

You've asked if you should end it. There's a reason why you're asking. Probably because you know you should.

@dineofluty

I’m planning to go to university in September 2024, I just have no idea what to study. I previously made a thread and people made some good suggestions although I still can’t decide. I just want a secure job/career that pays okay and will give me a decent work/life balance so that I can pursue my interests.

Why not this year? I'd also encourage you to work backwards from the kind of job/career you'd want to do and choose your degree with that in mind. Or at least choose a degree subject that excites/interests you. It's three years of hard slog and building up debt, and you need a reason to keep going, so that's either because it's a subject you have genuine interest in or you know you have to keep going to get a job as a "xyz" or whatever you want to work as. You're far more likely to drop out or struggle if you're doing a course for no obvious reason/interest. You're also going to be a lot older than your flatmates/coursemates, so it may not be as easy to make friends etc - and another year delayed just makes that worse.

Sadly, and I say this with your best interests at heart, if you keep delaying, you'll probably end up not doing it at all. Your 21, you're already 3 years "behind the curve", so another year, it'll be 4 years. Sounds like you don't like you hometown, so that's another reason to get to Uni sooner rather than later to break free, start a new life somewhere else.

Thank you. He has definitely made a huge improvement. He used to do ketamine, cocaine and MDMA every weekend. He smoked weed daily from the age of 14. At 18 he went out every single night, binge drinking, smoking, doing coke etc. And now he has max 2 joints per month and MDMA once a year. He is better than his entire family. He is going to get a degree, is saving money, works full time and has done for years now. He wants to travel and experience things and everything else about him is amazing.

I’ve already spoken to him a little bit, but even bringing it up makes me want to cry (think that’s my upbringing, any time I tried to voice an opinion as a child it didn’t end well). One of his friends was a heavy drug user until he was diagnosed with psychosis. I think that’s another thing that made my boyfriend want to cut down. I will try again to talk about it.

Yes I am pretty much estranged from my parents. And they were always estranged from their families so I have no one. Thank you for the advice.

I’ve just got a lot of things happening between now and next year so likely wouldn’t have the time to study. Next year is the best option for me. I just really don’t know what job I want to do - I’ve considered everything from doctor to engineer to nurse, paramedic, accountant etc. Just something secure with a decent wage and something that is transferable so would allow me to move away from here. I really don’t want to keep delaying. I wouldn’t be able to find a reason to live if I had to stay here working this job for the rest of my life.

You have no financial ties to him what's so ever, now is the perfect opportunity to leave him.
What is the point in doing a certain drug once a year? Why even bother doing it at all? Is he going to look forward to this one day a year all year? It's pathetic.
And in regards to his general drug use anyway, he has already shown you what's more important. The drugs come first, you come second, and it will always be this way. It's disgusting that drugs are seen as acceptable within his family. They are a family of losers and will get nowhere in life. They are too busy wanting to get high. I actually pity them all.

You are so young and shouldn’t have to lower your expectations for anyone. Is there anything in particular you’d like to do, work with kids, teaching, policing, working in finance, journalism, nursing, armed forces often have lots of positions as opposed to front line and loads of training opportunities. Apprenticeships can be really well paid (compared to 15/20 years ago) so there are loads of routes you could go down. You could get a live in position and move away for a while. The places you describe would be lovely places to live.

I also have a hard line with drugs. Actively avoid people who take them, one parent is an alcoholic and drug user, but luckily for me, the other wasn’t. DH always had jobs where he was drug tested and although I don’t get tested, he knows I don’t. When I was 21 I didn’t want kids but changed my mind when I found the right person. Neither of us would dream of letting anyone in our families look after kids under the influence of drugs, obv that’s a very hard line for me because I saw awful things on EOW visits the court ordered.

I know you’re torn but it’s unlikely he will ever break the cycle when both of his parents were the way they were, it’s all he knows. He had no safe place where adults put kids first and it’s awful, but it isn’t your situation to fix. And if you decide to have kids, it’s likely a 50/50 as to which way their lives would go, quite a gamble really.

He's a waster. You can do so much better.

He's not an occasional user, he's a regular user.

You will have a miserable future if you stay with him.

You are 21. You are supposed to be having fun at that age. You don't sound happy in his relationship, it's not supposed to be hard work at that age. It's not normal behaviour. Dump
Him and move away. The world is your oyster.

I would also say that good men are hard to find and you seem very happy, with a good stable relationship. Apart from this annual 'sesh' you have the same aims and goals in life and are working towards them. I think he has come a huge way so far from where he started and that will mostly be down to you. From having huge drug sessions every week he now just has a little blow out once a year. That's such a huge, positive change. From experience I imagine he will also very soon get tired of these once a year blow outs and they will stop, especially as you both want to improve your lives. So I would hold off on an ultimatum and these can massively backfire and just keep trying to tell him how anxious it makes you, because he is listening and improving his life. What he's done is impressive given the childhood you've described. I honestly wish you both the best of luck.

I wouldn't dismiss the idea of kids completely - when I was 21 I was SO sure I never wanted them, now I'm 32 and I have an almost 3 month old.
I changed my mind as I got older and you may do the same.

I forgot to add that drugs can lead to an inability to hold down a job and may also get him a criminal record if he drives and gets caught whilst under the influence of drugs.

No job or a low paid job leads to stealing or other crime to get money to more drugs. He may become violent if you don't give him money for drugs.

Drugs isn't glamour and fun, there is a dark underbelly and you do not want to get involved.

Drugs are sold by people who may be involved in gangs and higher up the chain the criminals are involved in human trafficking, prostitution, child prostitution etc.

Please walk away from him and don't look back.

@OooohAhhhh I think the once a year thing is because they’ve all grown up now and have jobs, houses, live far apart etc so they very, very rarely get to see each other altogether and “sesh”. Doesn’t make sense to me at all really. Like if you can limit to once a year then why at all?

@cracktheshutters All of those jobs sound good to me. I am interested in most things and think I’d enjoy any job as long as it paid okay. I’m wanting to apply for an engineering apprenticeship next year in addition to uni. Thank you for the advice :)

@Toddlerteaplease To be honest I’ve never had fun in my life. Bad upbringing, was severally bullied at school, no friends, suffered horrifically with my mental health and now work a dead end minimum wage job and live in an awful place. I feel down a lot of the time but I do want a better life for myself.

You sound like an intelligent young woman Op. Please start using that intelligence. This man will hold you back and cut your wings. Ditch him now.

Going to university and widening your horizons will be the making of you and I don’t think you will stay with this man.