Re evaluating my marriage with a drinker

[Krickley]

Hi, so my husband has always drank a fair amount over the years. Managed to rein it in at times when ive raised it as too much. Recently though hes almost hiding his drinking during the week when he should be being alcohol free. Example, i wont see his beer glass but i know hes drinking because i can see in his face, eyes and also his behaviour plus can smell it on his breath. Last night, there were a couple of cans of beer in the fridge, i never saw his beer glass but i could hear him very slowly opening them, washing up his glass afterwards. Today i went looking for the empty cans. No where to be seen. Not in our recycle bin/any bins. He will often wash up a glass and pop it back into the cupboard. My ears are highly trained in listening to him doing this 😒 i hate the noise of a can opening.

this is a problem isnt it.

friday/saturday/sunday he openly drinks because its the weekend and he can

ive voiced leaving him over this as i dont think its a good environment for the children to grow up in. He denies he has an issue with drinking and denies drinking mid week/daily

What are you getting out of this relationship?.

The 3cs associated with alcoholism are that you did not cause it, you cannot control it (I see that you've tried) and you cannot cure it.

You're married to an alcoholic and like many such posts too its mainly about him. To date you've been playing out the usual roles such spouses play and those are enabler, codependent partner and provoker (because you never forget. Policing and or otherwise trying to monitor his intake like you have done never works either). Also many alcoholics are in complete denial that there is a problem at all.

There are no guarantees either when it comes to alcoholism; he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still could choose to drink afterwards.

Alcoholism is not called "the family disease" without good reason; you and your kids are all affected markedly by your H's/their dad's alcoholism and those effects also can be long lasting into their adulthood for instance. You've voiced leaving him; now put those words into proper action by seeking legal advice re divorce and support for your own self from Al-anon. You cannot help him and he does not want your help or support so save your own self along with your kids from this chaos and dysfunction.

Yes, this seems to be an issue. If he doesn't think he has a problem then you need to think about what you want to do. Whether you want to live with someone who drinks like this or not. From personal experience you can waste your whole life trying to persuade / cajole/ cry/ threat someone into drinking less. They won't unless they want to. So think about what's within your control and what isn't.

Im sorry to say OP, but yes, they are an alcoholic sadly. I have a close relative who was/is alcohol dependant (sober for 5 years now) but battled with sobriety for around 10 years and was addicted from way before any of us ever suspected, including themselves.

Until you're partner sees he has a problem, he won't be able to make steps or accept help to get through it. Even harder to accept is that he'll never be able to touch alcohol again because it'll all start back up the minute he does. The AA are an amazing support network and will help guide him and offer support, alanon are a support network for friends and families or addicts and they will be an amazing source of help for you too. There will be a group in your area. I highly recommend you go, they'll be completely honest with you about everything.

I think it's a problem if he feels he needs to hide his drinking from you. I don't necessarily think 'hiding drinking' alone means he is a problem drinker. I'm a now sober alcoholic and I certainly hid my drinking because no one (not even me) would have thought that drinking 2-3 bottles of wine a night was okay. But I don't necessarily think that someone who has 2 drinks a night is an alcoholic, even if they need to hide it from their partner (because they are likely to get grumpy about it). There are people who hide any drinking from controlling partners because of the consequences in their relationship if their partner knows they are drinking (even in a relatively normal way).

But it does mean that somewhere there is an issue and if he is drinking to the point it's damaging his life in any way, then he does certainly have a problem with alcohol. You don't have to be an alcoholic to have a problem with drinking.

I do, however, think you need to hand this over to him. It sounds like you are sneaking around monitoring what he's drinking and telling him what days are meant to be alcohol-free in the week. That's not a healthy dynamic in a relationship and it's putting a responsibility on you that isn't yours. I do think you need to sit down with him and tell him what your concerns are, make him aware that you know he drinks and hides it, but then let him know it's his responsibility to sort out for his own wellbeing. Nothing would have made me drink more or hide my drinking even further faster than dh telling me what I could or couldn't do. He did tell me he was concerned about me and wanted to do anything he could to help me get better. When I decided I needed to deal with the problem, it had to be my decision, on my terms, and no one else's responsibility to police. That's why I'm sober and healthy today.

You are walking on different pages.
I ended a relationship for this reason. We weren't married luckily. He was a good guy, not an angry drunk, always kept on top of work but as I tried to explain many times, he was not looking after himself. Hadn't been to dentist in years. Never bought himself clothes. Almost no savings. I just couldn't see a future. I am only getting more health conscious as I get older, more focused on saving, health, strength💪 teeth!!
I know what you mean, my x used to carry this rucksack every where, I think there were cans in it.

Have you kids? :-/

Hi @mindutopia sorry, in my initial message i wrote a couple of beers in the fridge, what i failed to write was he had met a friend for his weekly catch up on his way home which would have meant 2 beers at the pub, plus he would have bought 4 cans into the house. Those two would have been out of the 4 he bought. I do think he has a crate of beers in his car which he takes them from.

Id say hes drinking around 4 cans each evening, probably 6 plus wine on a weekend. Never any spirits but i think thats where the issue is for him thinking theres no issue. He thinks of an alcoholic as someone who has lost everything and drinking spirits at 8am

I think your best bet is to accept that if you stay he will take you all down with him so you need to start making a private plan to put you and the children on a better path.

I left my ex when he was drinking 70-80 units a week, and I could not allow ds in ex's car because I was never sure if ex was over the limit or not. He too was adamant that he wasn't an alcoholic, that I was making a ridiculous fuss etc.

If your dh has taken to hiding his drinking, there's a problem, no doubt.

It comes down to what you can cope with in your life. I could never leave my ex with DS because it was becoming unsafe. Finally, he couldn't be trusted and that was too much to manage.

Do you think it's just beer stashed away in the car? For someone with an appetite for booze, a couple of sneaky cans isn't going to touch the sides.

All you can do is decide if YOU want this to be your life. I gave my partner an ultimatum and I meant it, I was prepared to leave, I expected to have to. They actually stopped drinking that day, 6 years ago now.

Not all alcoholics by any means all sit on park benches. Many of them have families and hold down jobs - until they do not. I have seen that comment re spirits as well said by alcoholics which is more denial on his part.

How many family occasions has he already ruined or where you’ve attempted to cover up for him?.

Do you yourself accept he is an alcoholic and that you cannot help him?.

I think im coming to that conclusion of not being able to help him. Ive tried to get through to him many times over the years but he refused to talk about it. He will almost bat me away as if im talking absolute garbage and generally will walk out of the room. Its hard to talk about thing when the kids are around. I dont want them to hear too much of our conversation for fear of them repeating it. I know its not ideal for them to live in a house like this, with an alcoholic, and im trying to do something about it.

hes really in denial i suppose. I gave him an ultimatum a couple of years ago but, im kicking myself now, i dont know why i didnt keep to it. I said no more drinking in the house. He stuck to it for a few days, even said he slept better/felt better but then the weekend came and it all fell to pieces

Someone else had put on another drinking thread this week about staying together “in sickness and in health” yeah but at what cost? I mean if the person is drinking themselves into an early grave vs an unforeseen illness, that’s different surely. I dont want to end up his carer

My mother is an alcoholic and it was a huge dark cloud on my childhood. As sad as it is, prioritise your kids and protect them from the trauma of an alcoholic parent. Trust me it gets worse, never better. I'm 37 and my Mum still drinks.

Nah, fuck that. You didn't sign up for this.

You’re as caught up in his alcoholism almost as much as he is. It’s affected you markedly as well. Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not even begun yet nor have you started to address your roles in this too.

No more ultimatums. Repeated ones lose all their power. You gave him this already and a) you did not follow through on it (why?) and b) he could not stick to this for more than a few days. Why would he take you at all seriously?.

They are already growing up in a home with an alcoholic father. Your children are being affected by seeing all this going on around them, their home is not the sanctuary it should be for them or for you for that matter.

I would urge you to contact Al-anon and seek legal advice re divorce. Your man’s primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s likely not been you ever. His thoughts also centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. Make better choices now with both you and they in mind, not your alcoholic.

I stayed far too long because of the "in sickness and in health", because he was my best friend as well as my husband, because he always promised he was trying, because I could see the stresses and mental health issues that were feeding the addiction. Because there were always brief blips when he would drink too much but always related to something happening in life so therefore understandable (at the time, in the fog) Sober him was awesome. Not - drinking - that - much him was also great. I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened but the blips ran into each other until they took over completely and sober him never happened
Until I left I was mistakenly worrying that it "wasn't that bad?" He didn't hit me after all...
Your description of hearing the noise of a can opening strongly resonates. It took a good 6 months before I felt my shoulders relax after years of being on edge - I still shudder momentarily at that sound.

I wasted so much time, too much time "helping" implementing "rules" he would devise - no drinking till after food, no drinking until after 9 - X amount of units a week.
When I finally told friends and family they told me to get out and helped me to do just that.
I left. Not because I didn't love him. I left because I had to follow through with the threat - I hoped beyond anything it would be the kick up the arse he needed to accept the help on offer.
It wasn't. He didn't. 8 months after I left he was evicted. 16 months after I left he was dead.
It isn't your fight, you need to live.
Stop trying to rescue him or police him into not drinking - you can't, it's a losing battle. Prioritise yourself and your children or you will all be destroyed alongside him.
I'm so sorry. It's utterly shit. Sending strength your way.

Just to add, years ago my neighbour had this problem. It was only after they split up that she discovered empty bottles of vodka in the car.

As far as he's concerned, you just don't get it. He fits around normality at home, but he's not in the same world as you.

My ex is an alcoholic, he moved back in with his parents about 15 years ago after his girlfriend kicked him out, he runined what should have been his parents golden years, he's in a bad way now, can't walk far, some cognitive decline, I think he's only alive because his poor parents had no choice but to look after him.
I, on the other hand am in very good health in my late 50s, I've always been a health fanatic, can't think why I married such a man 🤷

Can I suggest you follow Josh Connolly on Instagram, he talks a lot about growing up with an alcoholic parent and how badly this affected him and I think you might need to hear what he has to say. I grew up with an alcoholic parent I was forced to see EOW and it really messed me up big time. Josh talks about how the worst thing you can do is not talk about it because as very young children, they learn that this is some shameful secret they can’t talk to anyone about. As a result, and because they are 50% of that parent, kids of alcoholics grown up believing their parents drinking is their fault for not being a good enough kid. I still have a lot of MH issues stemming from my situation, please get some support and advice before it is too late. There’s another threads on here where a teenager attempted suicide because of her dads drinking and mum not safeguarding the kids, this is the last situation any of us would want to be in, please get help for you and your kids sake

@Krickley Theres another thread about alcohol which I have just posted on and I will say the same on here. I was previously in a relationship with a functioning alcoholic (didn’t know until we lived together) and I would put money on you not knowing the full extent of your partners drinking. They get used to hiding their drinking and lying about the amount they drink. Ultimatums you don’t stick to are pointless. They learn you don’t mean it. I know too well that sinking feeling when you hear a can being opened and the smell of beer you haven’t seen them drink. If you have kids you really need to tell him he either stops drinking completely or you split up. My ex is still functioning but I know one day it will catch up with him, and I didn’t want to be around for that. I was so caught up in watching what he drank and worrying about him. It takes over your life, and you will be losing part of yourself to this issue. I know someone else who was an alcoholic, he worked etc but then gradually went downhill and eventually he lost the use of his legs and died of cirrhosis.

what I remember especially is a weird chemical smell that the drinker has in the morning after a heavy night

You can’t manage his behaviour. It will pull you down too.
All the energy you’re putting into him could go towards a better life for you and the children.

Thanks for your replies. Im reading and taking it all in. I do feel zapped of personality. I feel the fun has gone out of me. I avoid get togethers because he drinks excessively and i hate it. Which is sad for the children. I just want out of this. I dont really deep down, want to give anymore ultimations. I feel done with all the empty promises. Id like a fresh start

Im genuinely a healthy person deep down except im currently a size 18 and unfit. I put this down to all the worry i put into this relationship. I do pretty much all of the parenting. He doesn’t really get involved. Im trying to find time to get out and exercise and meal plan but every day is almost firefighting homelife. Im already doing it 💯 alone and i think if he wasnt here, id be able to plan easier