Re evaluating my marriage with a drinker

[Krickley]

Hi, so my husband has always drank a fair amount over the years. Managed to rein it in at times when ive raised it as too much. Recently though hes almost hiding his drinking during the week when he should be being alcohol free. Example, i wont see his beer glass but i know hes drinking because i can see in his face, eyes and also his behaviour plus can smell it on his breath. Last night, there were a couple of cans of beer in the fridge, i never saw his beer glass but i could hear him very slowly opening them, washing up his glass afterwards. Today i went looking for the empty cans. No where to be seen. Not in our recycle bin/any bins. He will often wash up a glass and pop it back into the cupboard. My ears are highly trained in listening to him doing this 😒 i hate the noise of a can opening.

this is a problem isnt it.

friday/saturday/sunday he openly drinks because its the weekend and he can

ive voiced leaving him over this as i dont think its a good environment for the children to grow up in. He denies he has an issue with drinking and denies drinking mid week/daily

as pp's have said, alcohol is his first priority, your function is to help to keep his life stable so that he can get maximum enjoyment from his relationship with alcohol

Agree with this. You will find that you are propping him up and taking the weight of the issue whilst he gets to secretly divulge in what’s most important to him. He won’t want you to leave because you are the one keeping a level of stability in his life. But if you stay, rather than you improving his life, in actually fact he will just be worsening yours.

I don't usually jump straight to leave him in these scenarios, but you have already done everything you could reasonably have done. He has proved that he will put alcohol before anything. It's a horrific addiction and very hard to break.

So I strongly suggest you start planning your exit. The sooner you get out of this marriage, the better for you and your children. How he responds to this is 100% not your problem.

Please seek some support for yourself. It's the loneliest thing in the world, living with someone in addiction. Talking to one of these organisations will help you realise that you are not alone, will teach you to stop enabling him and will teach you that putting yourself and your DC first is not selfish.

I've been where you are. I stayed for far too long - sunk costs, loyalty, thinking leaving would be worse for the DC. I was wrong, damage was done to all of us. Don't be me.

What I can also tell you is that life without an alcoholic in it is like the sun coming through, freedom, peace of mind, happiness. However hard it is logistically and financially it is worth it.

im agreeing with everything you all say. Ive told him today im not happy and would like to split up. He’s obviously not happy About that, whilst sat cracking another can open. Said he doesnt want us to split up and we can fix it. I said we cant as he doesnt see he has a problem. He then got angry and said - why because i like a drink, im allowed to have drinks on a weekend. He said he wants us to stay together so we can be happy! Lol what he means is, forget that Krickley feels unhappy, as long as his status quo doesn’t change, everything will be great 🤷🏻‍♀️🥴

@Krickley You need to follow this through. Tell him you won’t bring your kids up with an alcoholic and whether he admits it or not that’s what he is. You say in your OP you have raised this several times before, he reigns it in then it goes back to normal. This cycle will continue until you tell him to leave. He has a free for all at weekends as that’s when it’s “acceptable”. However most people don’t drink every single Friday, Saturday and Sunday in the home. Then on top of that he’s hiding drinking during the week. Everything you say just reminds me of my ex. I know it’s so hard when you’re in the thick of it, I still feel guilty for leaving to this day but that guilt pales in comparison to the anxiety I had living with a functioning alcoholic.

@Krickley if that switch has flipped in your head, go with it. Start divorce proceedings tomorrow. Seriously, it'll be a tough road (I had suicide threats and threats to kill me!) but my life now 5 years down the road is amazing.

@Pearlsaminga

Maybe it was love.

😩 ugh I'd forgotten the "allowed" stage - the 'why is it x is ALLOWED to have a beer on a Friday night but I'm not ALLOWED to ...' I got verbally beaten down with the accusations of my so called unreasonableness in pointing out that x or y didn't drink every single day, didn't drink to excess, didn't lie.... It is all about him. His relationship with alcohol - his wants.
You aren't his mum. You aren't the beer police, you aren't responsible for his choices.
It doesn't matter if he won't admit that he has a problem - it doesn't make the problem go away and neither does it make you unreasonable for not wanting to be part of that life and for not wanting to keep exposing your children to it.
"Helping" him will result in the opposite. Get off the merry-go-round.
Save yourself and your kids.
He can argue that it's all ok until the cows come home - IT IS NOT OK

Also bear in mind the possible outcomes here - what all of us want as partners of alcohol dependent people is the sober them we once knew, the one we fell in love with, the one who didn't have a problem with alcohol.
It's shit but that isn't an option. That person is gone. Look at your realistic options - he carries on drinking, refuses to admit there's an issue and gets more sneaky and your life and your kids life continues to spiral and be dominated by his drinking.
Or
He suddenly sees the light and says that's it I'm not drinking anymore. Do you believe him? Do you stay and help him reach sobriety - not having drink in the house, not socialising anywhere there might be alcohol, avoiding friends who drink....
What I'm trying to say is that in both scenarios everything is about him. Revolves around him. Both situations involve walking on eggshells of different kinds.
Don't wait for the previous him to return because that CAN'T happen.
Get out, get him out, whatever it takes - stop dragging yourself down with him.
This only hit me after I'd left. A friend said - what would you do if he turned up tomorrow and said "I'm sober and want to make it work"
I surprised myself because the answer was simply, that's great news but it's too late, too much damage has been done. I can't live like that anymore. It dawned on me that even if he then went away and "proved" his sobriety any relationship we had would always be dominated by drink. Whether he was drinking or not it would always be an issue.

I grew up with a father who drank from the time he got home from work until the time he went to bed - seven days a week.
It never occurred to me that he was an alcoholic because it was all I knew. He wasn’t violent, he wasn’t abusive - he sat quietly in front of the tv and drank his scotch & water, every night after work, night after night after night.
It wasn’t until I grew up and reflected back on my childhood that I realiised my dad had a severe drinking problem, that he was an alcoholic. Not every kid does when that’s all they know.
And it certainly didn’t “normalise drinking” for my siblings and me - none of us grew up to be heavy drinkers.

I dread to think about how many pints hes had today. Hes still drinking now, started at 1pm.

i want out for sure. Tomorrow im going to start to look at separating. Get advice on divorce. Were pretty separate anyway, like we both have our own money/accounts. We rent so no house to sell

Excellent, do it. They always talk about the addict's rock bottom and forget that we have one too. You have found yours, now harness it. Keep posting here when the weeping and wailing and resentment and anger start from him. We will keep you on track.

Something happened last night which i wanted to talk through and make sense. I went out to collect oldest from friends house plus shop. Around 1 hour gone. When i got home, husband seemed like he had been drinking- red in face, odd eyes and just acting a bit odd. Anyway, didnt think much of it. Oldest came down for a drink. Oldest and youngest messing around with something and i asked them to stop. Husband talking to oldest, flicked a tea towel at their face. It was gentle but oldest didnt like it. Husband did it again and oldest was getting upset. Husband and oldest arguing, oldest almost squares up to him and husband pushes him back, says dont start doing that to me etc. anyway, im trying to intervene, get oldest to go into a different room, but those two still arguing. Husband not helping and still going on when he should leave it. Oldest did nothing wrong here but friction between them. Anyway, husbands shouting for teen to go upstairs and hes saying no. Then husband pushes teen onto the stairs and shouting at him. Little one goes i between and sticks up for oldest. Im wondering wtf is going on for it to blow up like that. I ask husband to go out to another room to cool down. Oldest is crying. Husbands in the wrong isnt he? I mean wth. Whats his problem.

Others will come in too, OP, but that’s assault (on a minor?). Time for him to leave. Report it to the police.

Yes its made me really uncomfortable. Im going to have to ask him to leave tonight. Im so angry with husband

He's losing all judgement. Will he go, if told to go?

Alcohol makes many alcoholics (& people generally, I suppose) more argumentative, less ready to back down, more ready to engage in physical violence. The alcoholic especially often requires self-justifications beliefs to continue drinking, the drink enables this self-justification & makes thresholds and restraints lower. A vicious cycle. Boundary-crossing behaviour, an inability to defuse situations, a tendency instead to escalate them; this is all really common alcoholic behaviour. Your husband isn't mysterious in any way: he's behaving like an alcoholic who is drinking huge amounts in secret then being a huge arse to his family. As you say, you don't have to live with it, though.

This is really typical. Mine did it too - never backed down, got more and more aggressive. My youngest was his target of choice, oldest kept her head down and got very quiet. And yes, I had to intervene on more than one occasion.

That shove needs to trigger his departure. Talk to your oldest and see if they are willing to pursue involving the police, and if they are, do it. It's your quickest route to potentially getting him out and getting an occupation order. There are no guarantees, but he's clearly spiralling now and you need to act.

Good luck. Keep posting for support, we're all here for you.

he need to be gone, I dont know what your best strategy would be OP, others will have more knowledge & experience.
Please if you can keep a very detailed log of everything that happens