Would you rather stay in a dead marriage or divorce?

[SpecialKwith]

DH and I have been having problems for a couple of years - he’s completely withdrawn, says he dosent love me in that way any more etc. Things haven’t been great since we had the kids (now late primary age) if I’m honest.
He thinks we should just stay living together (as separated people) until the kids are older, but it’s torture living with someone who doesn’t love me (I still feel like I could rebuild things with him but he doesn’t feel the same).

This whole time has almost destroyed me and I am really struggling to see a way forward. Now I feel like the bad guy for not agreeing to live together as ‘friends’.

Divorce. He might be happy to coast along in a dead marriage, but you aren't.
Take control of your own future and happiness. Good luck.

Only you know.

I am the child of divorced parents, it fucked all of us up hugely, basically because the ‘grass was greener’ and one parent was bored.

It would take a very high threshold for me to break up my family (DV or toxic relationship affecting kids).

Only you know whether there are ways for you to be happy as a family, or not. Both roads are difficult.

I would have to leave in this situation. I would stay if there was still love on both sides which could be worked on but it sounds like he has completely checked out and has no interest in wanting to even attempt to salvage things. Divorce is terrifying but you can be so much happier by yourself or with someone who loves you further down the line

I divorced. It wasn’t what the ex wanted. I stayed for longer than I should out of guilt and the fear of being the bad guy. Making the initial step was harder than I thought but it was so worth it. I felt immense relief even though I had a tough few years financially. I’m now in an amazing relationship, life is fun and easy. You deserve more than he’s offering.

Thank you all.

@SpringOn unfortunately I think our problems have affected the kids, they pick up on what’s going on even though we are very careful not to argue in front of them etc

I'd leave. The situation sounds soul destroying, he doesn't get to force you to accept this.

I'd give him an ultimatum, either he works with you to recover the relationship or you move out and divorce.

I would leave.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Children learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents.

Staying for the supposed sake of the children, well whose sake would your now husband be really staying for, theirs or far more like his own because it’s somehow easier. Do not drag this dead marriage out any longer than it needs to be.

I'd interpret that as he wants to shag about and keep uncomplaining maid service.

No thank you.

Divorce. Life is too short to put your life on hold which is what you'd be doing. If he felt the same way as you did in terms of putting some effort in (whether that was romantically or even as friendly coparents) it would be different, but it sounds like he's given up, you don't deserve to be miserable, not even for the sake of your children, and I doubt it would be a happy environment for them to grow up in anyway.

@SpringOn I'm the child of parents who dragged out their marriage too long "for our sakes", and I assure you that fucked me up in its own unique way too....

It is really tough to do but the kids will be happier ultimately if they are not watching you stay together for their sake while picking up on the difficulties between you. They are better off learning that when a relationship can't be salvaged that you do move on. They can adjust.

Yes it is very hard to do, but you really should move on. You have time to work out how to cope financially and can take control of the situation.

I don't see how you can keep your self respect and continue as you are. It's eating you up.

He's basically put you in a situation where you have to instigate splitting up because he's spineless and selfish.

Is he having an affair? Dig around a bit - I would anyway - get all financial info to hand BEFORE splitting up. I've been reading this on here for years and still didn't do it.

And then ditch him. Your kids will be OK.

I'm a child of parents who stayed together for 'the kids' we had a horrible time due to the frostiness the arguments behind closed doors when they thought we were asleep. I went on to have a relationship like my parents and had to learn the hard way.

Don't stay or leave for your kids do it because you too are a person and your happiness matters too. I wish my parents had separated I wish I could've seen them both happy.

This sounds heartbreaking. I couldn’t do it OP. If he wants to separate I think he needs to leave, especially as you still want more.

Never stay together for the children. Ever. No good will come of it.

I'm another child of parents who should've divorced. There weren't any blazing rows, but the atmosphere was toxic, everyone walked on eggshells, passive aggression became the norm etc.

My sister has never had a relationship and my marriage has been hugely affected by my warped view of what is acceptable.

Show your children what healthy boundaries are and separate amicably because you are the blueprint for all their future relationships. Would you want this for them?

Divorce. You only get one life and it's too short to spend unhappy and unfulfilled.

You need to separate - not a healthy environment for your children and you deserve to be happy. 💐

I would personally divorce, sometimes you need to put yourself first, I don't have kids yet but I am married.

I just think if I had kids and they were in the position you are in I wouldn't be encouraging them to stay in a marriage that is over.

This is only IMO, I'm sure you are a strong person even if you don't think you are right now, years down the line you will be mentally and stronger than before and glad you moved on.

I hope you are okay and find the right path for yourself and your kids,
All the best 💛

Sounds like he has all the control. He doesn't love you but insists you stay together? That's a bullshit life and it's making you desperately unhappy.

Insist you go to couples counselling, not to make a go of things but to discuss how to separate with minimum impact on the children, how to create a new relationship built on a form of mutual respect and trust that you will both be good parents.

Meanwhile, ensure that this together-but-separate life works for you. Go out, get fit, pursue friendships and interests and make sure you are developing your career too so that you have a strong independent life already built to support you when he eventually decides to shuffle off on his own. He probably won't. He'll get jealous of your new found energy and try and drag you back.

Staying in an unhappy marriage "for the sake of the kids" is an awful thing to do. Imagine the guilt those kids will feel in later years thinking that, if it wasn't for them, their parents could have moved on and be happy.

You have to leave. It's not good for the kids:

The kids are messed up, irrespective of that you do.

Arguing or not in front of the kids they detect vibes anyhow. Besides why do you want to stay in a house with a man who doesnt want a relationship and is probably eventually going to have one outside the house anyhow with someonelse. There's literally no point in staying