Would you rather stay in a dead marriage or divorce?

[SpecialKwith]

DH and I have been having problems for a couple of years - he’s completely withdrawn, says he dosent love me in that way any more etc. Things haven’t been great since we had the kids (now late primary age) if I’m honest.
He thinks we should just stay living together (as separated people) until the kids are older, but it’s torture living with someone who doesn’t love me (I still feel like I could rebuild things with him but he doesn’t feel the same).

This whole time has almost destroyed me and I am really struggling to see a way forward. Now I feel like the bad guy for not agreeing to live together as ‘friends’.

Thank you all.

@perfectcolourfound i think my parents (my mother particularly) expects me to just wait until DH sees sense, or something. Meanwhile my life is draining away and my mental health is being ruined. But to her divorce is the worst thing that could ever happen, so that explains it I suppose. Her attitude has been very upsetting.

DS is about to go to secondary school (in Sept) so this is terrible timing for him but I’m not sure how much longer it can carry on like this. I am considering if we can live together a few more months but plan for full separation in the meantime…

@EarthSight yes and the thing now is that even if DH agreed to give things a shot for the kids or something how could I trust him? I know he doesn’t love me.

@SpecialKwith , you sound like a loyal and loving person with a lot to give. You want a happy, committed marriage, but that's not on offer any more with your husband. I'm yet another person whose parents stayed together for the kids and it caused me major problems. I took on that "you stay no matter what" attitude, and I too stayed, miserably, for the kids, for years. My ExH left eventually, 8 years ago, and life is so much lighter now. The kids have commented that we are both happier now.
I don't see why your son starting secondary school means this is terrible timing, though. There's never a right time, always something going on in life. In fact, starting secondary is an exciting time and he'll be becoming more independent, meeting new people, so it's a time of change anyway. It sounds like your husband may well be committed to spending time with the kids, so you can still both be fully supporting your son.

divorce. Not said likely… am 15 months post separation… 6 weeks from divorce. 3 kids- one disabled

it’s better not living a lie and having a big problem to solve each day

life is toi short and it’s important to model healthiness as much as poss for your kids

@SpecialKwith I can tell you if you do stay life feels very very long and hard if you have mentally 'checked out' - trying to feign enthusiasm about plans or holidays when your head is thinking 'oh my god- loads of 1 on 1 time ' is not a nice feeling. Split ups are awful but do tend to have a finite period of immense pressure-- remaining goes on and on - and believe me I think the other person knows your heart isn't in it- so it's not kind on anyone really if you do still care even a little bit

I’m in a position where I’m staying for the kids as my parents’ divorce messed me up. You can call it weak or whatever. I just can’t cope with leaving and the trauma being relived. I also don’t think leaving results in happiness either from what I’ve experienced. I’m always amazed how people meet another partner but I am pretty certain I’d never let anyone in again. I don’t have support network, no parents etc.

I agree with you

Menodory

Why did your parents divorce mess you up?. Was it because they were adversarial towards each other?. Its when they are adversarial and or contentious that damage occurs.

It does not follow that your divorce, if you were to choose that path ultimately, would turn out the self same as your parents divorce was for you and your children. Whose sake are you staying for really; theirs or really your own because its somehow "easier"?. Divorce is not failure but living in unhappiness is.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want your children as adults to do the same as you i.e stay in an unhappy marriage and if not why not?. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. And FWIW I do not think you're as weak as you think you are.

He's the bad guy, making this about himself while trying to drain you for his future purposes.

It's hard to live in a marriage where love has gone. If you can still get on ok, it's doable (I did it).

I waited until the kids were independent, living their own lives, and then I left.

You need to also weigh up finances etc.

Id be wondering what exactly he means by living together but separated and ‘friends’? Does he want to just be platonic and go out and date on the side after a bit? Because it sounds to me like that would be good - for him. Wouldn’t have to disrupt his home life but could go and meet new people while retaining the stability of the marital home.

Even if that’s not the case and he just wants to be celibate for another decade I don’t think that it’s at all better when it causes tension and unhappiness. It’s really unfair of him tbh to use the kids as a bargaining chip and ask you to live with someone who doesn’t want to be in a marriage anymore. He’s essentially asking you to sacrifice yourself for him because it makes his life easier - if he was truly concerned about the kids first he would want to split as amicably as possible and co-parent with you.

@ButterflyOil he would be dating other people in this scenario, yes. I would be free too as well. I have said I think this could get extremely messy.

We had another chat last night and he said he might be willing to try but isn’t sure… I’ve asked him to let me know clearly either way but am also worried whether the trust is gone by this point 😞

I would absolutely divorce OP. Does he expect you to care for the kids and do wife work while he does whatever he wants?
My DS now 40 years old told me recently that the divorce was such a relief for him, it was obvious we weren't happy. Children are not stupid, they know when they don't have happy, normal parents.

@Gettingbysomehow Well to be fair to him he does his fair share of kids and housework… but I think he is reluctant to break up the family. We’re both terrified of harming the kids so it’s good to know (in a way) it was a relief for your DS, thank you.

Our sons definitely also know we are not happy, unfortunately.

I have now said I’m not living together unless we give the marriage a proper go, so we’ll see.

I could have written this myself! Getting divorced was the best thing I could ever have done for myself and for the kids. Doesn't mean I don't value marriage, it just means that you value your own happiness. Even if the grass doesn't end up greener, why would you want to spend your life unhappy?

This @Isis1981uk xxxxxxXx

I went through something a little similar. H told me he didn't love me anymore. Things hadn't been right for a while and whilst I was willing to work at it he wasn't.
He didn't suggest living together, but took a year to move out! It was so incredibly stressful and impacted us all, despite us not arguing, it didn't give the kids a good example of marriage.
He moved out 6 months ago and the atmosphere in the house has totally changed. I can relax without walking on eggshells and have started to feel I can move on and the kids are much happier too.
I would definitely not recommend trying to live under one roof separately.

Thank you @Rega26 , sorry you had to go through this too. Can I ask how you sorted him moving out, with finances etc? Do you share custody of kids? We have been a bit stuck on this every time we start discussing separating.

@SpecialKwith I now have to claim universal credit to get by but he promised to pay enough in child support to cover the shortfall so I can stay in the home. It is rented though, so we don't have the complication or a mortgage. He works long hours and travels alot whereas I work part time, so the kids are with me most of the time and go to him every other weekend and occasionally in he'll take our youngest to football midweek if work allows.
To be quite honest though, out of our 4 kids, it's only the youngest (8) that wants to stay regularly and the others aren't too interested.