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Original poster

Would you rather stay in a dead marriage or divorce?

69 replies

SpecialKwith · 23/06/2023 09:12

DH and I have been having problems for a couple of years - he’s completely withdrawn, says he dosent love me in that way any more etc. Things haven’t been great since we had the kids (now late primary age) if I’m honest.
He thinks we should just stay living together (as separated people) until the kids are older, but it’s torture living with someone who doesn’t love me (I still feel like I could rebuild things with him but he doesn’t feel the same).

This whole time has almost destroyed me and I am really struggling to see a way forward. Now I feel like the bad guy for not agreeing to live together as ‘friends’.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 23/06/2023 10:24

As a child I remember my mom being always sad and glum with my dad, I found her crying a couple times, then she divorced and my mom became that happy cheerful lady that was fun to be around again.

children want happy moms.

millymog11 · 23/06/2023 10:30

Possibilities

  • your husband has someone else who you don't know about or has seriously entered into the market of being with someone else who you dont know about.
  • at the same time as the above he has researched and decided it does not serve him to divorce you. Whether that be for domestic reasons (he likes living in your domestic set up) or more likely, he has done lots of research into the implications of divorce when you have late primary school aged children and knows he will come off much worse whilst they are younger. He wants to keep the status quo till the kids are older and you can divorce each other with a different kind of split (not taking into account the young age of the children.
The above sounds a bit harsh and unfeeling, it is not OP, I have been there myself and I send you love Flowers. If you do agree to the above, which some people do and it is entirely a personal decision, at least make the most of the intervening years with him living in the house to decide what you want to do after the children are older and you do get divorced.
Almahart · 23/06/2023 10:33

Divorce. No question.

Blueskies13 · 23/06/2023 10:48

Divorce. The relief I felt was huge when it ended. My kids are ok too. Better to live in a healthy environment than a toxic one. I wasn’t going to spend my life pretending.

LL1991 · 23/06/2023 10:49

Divorce every time.
I was a family law paralegal in a past life and dealt with divorce and children act cases on a daily basis. Even if you think your current situation isn’t affecting the kids it will be and after my experience I’d rather be in a happy relationship and show my kids what life and love should look like than muddle through with everyone less happy than they could be.
Children are incredibly perceptive, I’ve read many reports where children have been interviewed and spot on knew what was going on when their parents even thought the parents thought they had hidden things well.
Fine if your husband is happy to waste his time (I’m assuming the plan is to split eventually) but please respect your time and what you have to offer. It’s a no brainer to leave and sort it out now and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who will love and respect you while you are still young. There’s also no guarantee he won’t develop another relationship while you are cohabiting for the kids, if he knows things will end up eventually and he is just waiting for a date when it would supposedly hurt the kids less - this situation will only hurt you more. You may also find that I. Living together you trick yourself into believing that it could still work which, again, will only come to hurt you. Free yourself up to deal with the heartache now and give yourself the chance to find love again.
My other advice would be not to wait to sort finances, some people leave things to sit while the kids are young and decide they’ll fix things when the kids are older/going to uni. This just makes everything harder for everyone involved and means you can’t move on properly.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but I can’t think of another way to say this with my current baby brain and, as an outsider looking in, I’d want someone to give me similar advice if I ever needed it. X

GiftIdeas749472 · 23/06/2023 10:54

jfshu · 23/06/2023 09:40

@SpringOn I'm the child of parents who dragged out their marriage too long "for our sakes", and I assure you that fucked me up in its own unique way too....

My parents are still dragging theirs out and it's awful for me to witness.

I hate being around them, and wish they'd divorced years ago and found happiness separately.

It affects me within my own marriage too, although DH is understanding. I actively work at NOT having a marriage like the one my parents have.

frazzledasarock · 23/06/2023 10:58

If I were you. I’d get legal advice and start looking at how I could feasibly live on my own without a dual income (if that’s your current norm).

In my experience finances are the biggest obstacle in splitting up.

you need to have your own place and the ability to live and pay bills.

check what benefits you might be entitled to.

What would work regarding child contact, would you split it?

Would he be a relatable parent or is he likely to pick up and drop parenting as and when it suits him?

do you have support in real life? For back up childcare but also to have a support for yourself? Rally around all friends and family.

I wouldn’t stay in an unholy marriage but I’d plan leaving meticulously to ensure it’s easiest as possible for you.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 23/06/2023 10:59

I divorce, it's better all round, even for the kids

Kids use your relationship as the blueprint for their future relationships, if they see as the norm, this is what they will strive for. I wouldn't want my kids ti stay in an unhappy and unloving relationship.

gettingoldisshit · 23/06/2023 11:03

I am the child of divorced parents and so are my children and I would 100% say leave! Its far far worse and does far more damage to children whose parents stay in a toxic relationship! Divorce is painful but you will all move on and eventually find happiness whereas you will be unhappy constantly in a toxic marriage.

GiveOverRover · 23/06/2023 11:09

Divorce. If you both had equal levels of emotional investment then I'd say try everything you can to make it work. But it doesn't sound like that's an option.
Your kids are watching an indifferent father and a destroyed mother as it stands and thats not doing anyone any good. Staying is hard, leaving is hard but it's also what is needed when someone doesn't love you.

NotNowGertrude · 23/06/2023 11:20

Divorce every time

IME staying in a relationship where you are not loved, cared or respected every day does a lot of damage to you & your future relationships the longer you stay. This then takes years to unpick & recover from

The peace of mind you get when you're done is priceless. I feel like I'm on holiday every day without him!

learnfromme1 · 23/06/2023 11:23

I’m on the verge of ending my dead marriage OP, the difference is my husband is the person in denial who wants us to keep pretending. (Sorry I don’t mean that to sound harsh, but for you to say you think you can rebuild things when he’s made it clear he has checked out of the marriage is denial)

His suggestion of remaining living together as separated people is ridiculous and selfish , as some other posters have suggested.

OR it could be his way of trying to soften the blow - if you were to say to him that no, you want to officially separate and live apart, all as amicably as possible, I wonder what his response would be? He might jump at it. I would if my husband said that to me.

the factor that is spurring me on is that, like you, I can see how it is starting to affect my kids- happily married parents are the best thing for children but sadly I can’t offer my kids that. It’s unhappily married or not married at all. A horrible position to be in, you have my sympathy and solidarity.

ontheplayground · 23/06/2023 11:32

IMO, what he means is that he hasn't found a new woman yet. So he wants his comfy life in a household with you for a bit longer. Less hassle, less reorganisation, someone who is probably doing the lion's share of the childcare and housework and life admin.

As soon as he finds a new partner to move on with? I suspect his tune will change.

P.S. My parents waited far too long to separate, and I remember the huge relief it was for me and my sister when they finally did.

Original poster
SpecialKwith · 23/06/2023 12:43

I really can’t thank everyone enough for their comments. I’m going to keep looking back at this thread when I feel wobbly - and have cut and pasted some things to make sure I remember them! My parents are very anti divorce and have been pressuring me to ‘make it work’ but I’ve been getting more and more miserable and at times have worried if I will make it through (which is not like me at all).

Thank God for Mumsnet - it’s amazing to feel this support (from strangers!) and affirmation that I’m not mad for finding the situation unbearable. I think as one poster said I have been in denial in a way and I need to accept that it’s time to move on.

OP posts:
TheMurderousGoose · 23/06/2023 12:48

He’s a shit who wants everything on his own terms without a care for your happiness, or quite frankly your kids’ happiness.

Choose happiness for you and for your children by leaving him.

Original poster
SpecialKwith · 23/06/2023 13:35

@TheMurderousGoose i think he genuinely thinks that it would be for the best for the children to stay living together. It’s true that I don’t think he cares about my feelings much anymore.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 23/06/2023 14:31

100 percent divorce. I stayed for several years when I was unhappy, looking back I was probably depressed. I found he cheated, kicked him out and divorced him. My mood lifted and I started to enjoy life again and relax whereas I'd been very tense before. Found a new partner and remarried and very happy now. Don't let him grind you down.

whatafryup · 23/06/2023 15:00

I am in the process of divorcing my husband as the marriage is long dead - like a PP, I've instigated. The children having at least one happy parent is better than two miserable ones, I am keeping my end goal in sight - a new home, freedom and happiness whether by myself or with a new partner. Am not kidding myself there won't be bumps along the way but I couldn't keep the status quo.

My parents have several marriages and divorces between them so I think it's normalised divorce for me rather than adversely affecting me.

Zanatdy · 23/06/2023 15:04

jfshu · 23/06/2023 09:40

@SpringOn I'm the child of parents who dragged out their marriage too long "for our sakes", and I assure you that fucked me up in its own unique way too....

Same. This isn’t a great alternative you know

Ghislainedefeligonde · 23/06/2023 15:07

Yes I’m also separating from dh for the same reason as some others but he would rather keep trying. I’ve been seeing a counsellor and this week was telling her what a relief it is to not have to pretend any more. I also believe one happy parent is better than 2 miserable ones

Gardenerboo · 23/06/2023 15:08

@GiveOverRover Staying is hard, leaving is hard

that really resonated with me. I’m in the same position as the OP and this thread is helpful. That sentence seems so obvious doesn’t it?

I keep thinking it’s too hard to leave but staying is miserable.

perfectcolourfound · 23/06/2023 19:46

Do your parents understand that you can't 'make a marriage work' if only one person wants it to work?

Would they really rather you be unhappy (and potentially impact your children's adult relationships later on)?

Your husband forfeited his right to decide what happens when he told you he doesn't love you in that way anymore. He doesn't get to dictate a life that has you feeling unloved and resentful. If you leave you will be happier, and you will be free to, one day and if you want, meet someone who will love you.

Your chidren deserve to see healthy relationships modelled as well.

You need to put your children and yourself first. Not the man who says he doesn't love you anymore.

EarthSight · 23/06/2023 19:58

I'm so sorry OP.

You can't work on things with someone who doesn't want that. He's truly checked out if he doesn't even want to give it a shot. If you've made it clear to him that you really want to work on your marriage, then what are you meant to do next? Grovel?

SquirrelSoShiny · 23/06/2023 22:09

Marking place because it's reaching a crunch point for me.

crazeekat · 23/06/2023 22:26

please leave. u don't deserve to live in a loveless marriage, no one does, and as the child of divorced parents it was honestly the best thing they could have done for us kids.
i will say to my grave staying together for the kids is so wrong! they grow up
miserable!! they know every bit of stinking atmosphere. you will not be able to show them how a loving family is. separate and let them have two happy parents who put the kids first. it sounds cruel but it really really is for the best and u down the line will
meet someone else who will
give u the love and respect u deserve.
and your kids will respect you for it when they are older.