Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP insists on toddler in the bed

60 replies

nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 07:55

I'm not sure what I'm dealing with here so would really appreciate you reading my jumbled thoughts and telling me if you think I'm being paranoid here or what.

I have four children, one of whom is just 18 months old. DP and I have only been together 5 years. He's a good dad, so loving. He absolutely dotes on our son.
We used to have a good physical relationship, with sex usually around 4 or 5 times a week. This has now dwindled to about twice a month.

There are two issues at work here and I'm wondering if he's actually using them to avoid intimacy with me. One is that our toddler sleeps between us. Or did, because I've now moved myself to the sofa to sleep every night. I can't sleep on a tiny slither of bed and having to breastfeed LO on and off all night.
Secondly, DP has now started going to bed with our son at 7pm so that he can get up at 4am to play golf! Every single day!

I'm beginning to think that both issues are just a very good excuse to not sleep with me. I've spoken to him about how it's making me feel and he assures me that he still loves me, still finds me attractive, that it's just temporary that the baby's in our bed, and that he's playing golf early so that he doesn't have to play it later in the day and miss out on family time.

How do I fix this mess? Is it even worth trying? I've been in my sofa pit sobbing on and off all night. He's coming home from golf soon and wants us to talk. He thinks we should have some relationship counselling, but what's the point if I'm just going to be settling for a sexless relationship. That's a huge no for me, I can't live like this.

So, what do you think?

OP posts:
80s · 23/06/2023 08:05

Your title "DP insists on toddler in the bed" - why does he insist on it, and what does he say when you refuse to have the toddler in the bed?
How old are the other children?

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 23/06/2023 08:07

At 4 am he is getting ready to get into someone else's bed. He is using your toddler to avoid sex with you.

Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 08:10

I don't really know why. Initially I wanted the baby with us. He was in a co sleeper cot next to our bed for the first six months for ease of breastfeeding. Back then our sex life was still pretty good and we were close.
As the baby got older he started creeping in to the middle of the bed somehow. I think that was probably for safety, to stop him rolling out maybe, but I can't quite recall how it happened.
I've suggested moving DS to his own room now many times, but DP seems anxious to let that happen.

My other children are 12, 10 and 7 from my marriage. DP is a great step father to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 08:11

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 23/06/2023 08:07

At 4 am he is getting ready to get into someone else's bed. He is using your toddler to avoid sex with you.

God! I never thought of that. I'm going to request a live location right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 08:17

Christ, I've just gone all sweaty and shaky waiting for him to get back to me. Thankfully he is indeed at the golf course.

OP posts:
Caradonna · 23/06/2023 08:19

So does he do family time when he is home?

80s · 23/06/2023 08:22

You could move the toddler to his own room today if you wanted.

The 4am golf thing is odd, but I don't think it's totally implausible that he's hrowing himself into golf to escape stress or other issues.
Why do you think that you would not be sleeping together following relationship counselling?

BrutusMcDogface · 23/06/2023 08:22

I wouldn’t tolerate golf every day at 4am and no evenings with him. My dp is a golfer and I’m a bit of a golf widow but he’s nowhere near as extreme as that. We have had words about this many a time and I like to think he sees my point of view now.

NewmummyJ · 23/06/2023 08:28

Do you think he might be worried about risk of another pregnancy?

FelisCatus0 · 23/06/2023 08:38

Playing golf every single day is too much. That is not normal at all. Once a week, yes. No way would I ever have put up with that, I would have nipped it in the bud the moment he started gravitating to playing every day. However, personally I think he is having an affair. No one 'plays golf' every single fricking day. I think you're naive. Sorry but I do.

MrsMikeDrop · 23/06/2023 08:42

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 23/06/2023 08:07

At 4 am he is getting ready to get into someone else's bed. He is using your toddler to avoid sex with you.

This is dumb. OP your husband is actually suggesting counselling so why not do it, he wouldn't suggest it if he didn't think the relationship was worth salvaging. Also I'd see the golf thing as positive (although maybe not eveyday) if his reason is so he gets it out of the way. Get the toddler in his own bed though, for the toddlers sake.

Shoxfordian · 23/06/2023 08:46

Do you really have so little trust and confidence in him that some random comment sent you asking him to check in with his location like a prison warden? Divorce him and stop messing about if you feel like that; there’s clearly no point in staying together

Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 08:47

I'm just finishing up the school run and will then be back to answer your questions.

OP posts:
Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 08:49

Shoxfordian · 23/06/2023 08:46

Do you really have so little trust and confidence in him that some random comment sent you asking him to check in with his location like a prison warden? Divorce him and stop messing about if you feel like that; there’s clearly no point in staying together

No, I had never ever even considered that he might be having an affairs because I trust him. But yes, one little comment did suddenly make me think 'oh fucking hell...could it be?'

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 23/06/2023 08:51

It's time to move little one for the sake of the family. Ours went into cot bed in own room at 6 months. We were all more than ready! Ask him specifically why he's so anxious about it. You can't go on like this. Hope it goes ok.

GeriatricMumma · 23/06/2023 08:59

Why can't he go to golf every day? If it's something he enjoys and keeps him mentally fit and healthy. Plenty of people go to the gym?

Can't believe you listened to that stupid comment saying he's off to another woman's bed. Ffs OP, get a grip.

He's probably just got parenting anxiety (which men DO get) and wants to make sure his child is safe.

Sex isn't just for bed time with either.

YouOk · 23/06/2023 09:02

I'm impressed he's got the both the cash and energy to play every day

baileys6904 · 23/06/2023 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Caradonna · 23/06/2023 09:07

Well it will only be in the summer unless he plays by torchlight.
Does he play with others?
Is he back in time to get toddler up (who can't sleep on his own but can when DH wants to play golf).
It's a bit odd.

Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:07

Okay, I'm home. He'll be back soon for this big conversation we're having apparently.

Golfing became a thing about three years ago. DP is quite image conscious and maybe has a touch of health anxiety. He was walking about ten miles a day to stay fit, and then a work colleague who is a keen golfer invited him to play one day. Since then his love affair has grown and grown.
Once our son was born DP quit smoking and drinking. He said he wanted to be as fit and healthy for as long as possible now he had a child to think of. He's also said on a number of occasions that he honestly believes golf will keep him alive. His dad died from a horrible disease (not hereditary) when he was fairly young.

He often meets up with his little gang of golf buddies to play, even at 4am. I'd say that he plays with them about 50% of the time and 50% he plays alone. Obviously once the dark mornings arrive he will have to return to playing after work again. I don't have a problem with him golfing, he loves it. But I do have a problem with the loss of our evenings together and his early nights as a result of golf.

OP posts:
Tlolljs · 23/06/2023 09:08

Is the golf course even open at that time?
Im an early bird get things done out the way and all that.
But he’s missing out the other end of the day by being in bed at 7.
Your toddler should be in his own bed and bedroom by now.

toomuchlaundry · 23/06/2023 09:10

Didn’t realise golf courses open at that time?

What family time is he having with you and other DC if he goes to bed at 7pm?

Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:12

Caradonna · 23/06/2023 08:19

So does he do family time when he is home?

Yes, he does. He cooks every day for us all as he's much better and more creative in the kitchen than me. He also shops every day. He does the school run for my children whenever he's available, he ferries my children to hobbies and clubs that he pays for and has encouraged them in to.

During the day whilst he's at golf or work or in the supermarket or wherever he is usually in almost constant contact with me. I'll get a little photo or an anecdote or a link to something interesting he found online. Or he'll just call quickly to ask for a shopping list of things to pick up on his way home. In my heart I know he's not having an affair to those of you who think im naive. He's too moral a person also.

OP posts:
80s · 23/06/2023 09:14

Why can't he go to golf every day? If it's something he enjoys and keeps him mentally fit and healthy. Plenty of people go to the gym?
If he can do it without OP being a golf widow, sure. But him going to bed every night at 7pm so he can golf at 4? Massively prioritising golf over his family and relationship? That's hurtful.

At this time of year the sun rises early and I can imagine it would be beautiful on a green, quiet golf course with the birds singing. I'd love it. But not at the cost of a marriage.

Nicecow · 23/06/2023 09:16

nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:12

Yes, he does. He cooks every day for us all as he's much better and more creative in the kitchen than me. He also shops every day. He does the school run for my children whenever he's available, he ferries my children to hobbies and clubs that he pays for and has encouraged them in to.

During the day whilst he's at golf or work or in the supermarket or wherever he is usually in almost constant contact with me. I'll get a little photo or an anecdote or a link to something interesting he found online. Or he'll just call quickly to ask for a shopping list of things to pick up on his way home. In my heart I know he's not having an affair to those of you who think im naive. He's too moral a person also.

Show quote history

Hmmm, he sounds better than most husbands on here tbh! I'd just have a talk with him and do the counselling. Men are allowed to be burnt out from sex too