DP insists on toddler in the bed

[nopainnogain1]

I'm not sure what I'm dealing with here so would really appreciate you reading my jumbled thoughts and telling me if you think I'm being paranoid here or what.

I have four children, one of whom is just 18 months old. DP and I have only been together 5 years. He's a good dad, so loving. He absolutely dotes on our son.
We used to have a good physical relationship, with sex usually around 4 or 5 times a week. This has now dwindled to about twice a month.

There are two issues at work here and I'm wondering if he's actually using them to avoid intimacy with me. One is that our toddler sleeps between us. Or did, because I've now moved myself to the sofa to sleep every night. I can't sleep on a tiny slither of bed and having to breastfeed LO on and off all night.
Secondly, DP has now started going to bed with our son at 7pm so that he can get up at 4am to play golf! Every single day!

I'm beginning to think that both issues are just a very good excuse to not sleep with me. I've spoken to him about how it's making me feel and he assures me that he still loves me, still finds me attractive, that it's just temporary that the baby's in our bed, and that he's playing golf early so that he doesn't have to play it later in the day and miss out on family time.

How do I fix this mess? Is it even worth trying? I've been in my sofa pit sobbing on and off all night. He's coming home from golf soon and wants us to talk. He thinks we should have some relationship counselling, but what's the point if I'm just going to be settling for a sexless relationship. That's a huge no for me, I can't live like this.

So, what do you think?

Make you both a coffee, take it outside and have a chat. It sounds as though on the whole you have a lovely relationship, just things have gone a bit haywire at the moment and you need to chat it out. Perhaps it’s time to move your toddler into his own room and negotiate a few days a week when DH stays up with you in the evening and either gives golf a miss or plays in the evening? Tell him you miss him and you want to spend more time together and then listen to him in case there is something going on with him. Perhaps he’s a bit older and doesn’t want sex as often. There’s usually a compromise and fun to be had other ways.

good luck x

Go and tell him you want to talk. Get off MN and agree to go to counselling and agree some time together and a plan to put toddler in his own bed.

Did he play golf at 4am before he met you?

Not sure why your toddler is still feeding in the night or not in a bed our twins are younger and do both well

I agree with you OP. Our bed is strictly a no-kid zone. It is where we as adults sleep, disconnect and yes, have sex, which is healthy is. a relationship and you can't do that with a child there.
On the fence about the golf - if he loves it, great, and it is time consuming, so he is right by doing it early he is round more for family time. If he went at 2pm, that' a huge chunk of the day. It's not an activity lie a run or gym class which is over in an hour.

Why are you determined not to have couples counselling? You sound like the ideal couple for it - you've both recognised that you have issues, and you still like and care about each other.

Okay so we sat on the deck and had a little chat. He says that I haven't been pushed out of the bed, I've voluntarily left and he's asked me many times to return. I explained why I feel like I'm a back seat passenger in the relationship now. He apologised and said that he agrees we need to get DS out of our bed. He also said we can't 'just cold turkey him in to his own room because he'll cry all night'. So we've agreed that for the next couple of weeks the toddler will stay in our room but strictly in his cot and DP will settle him when he wakes so that he doesn't think boob is on offer.
DP said he'll give up golf if it helps us, but obviously I don't want him to do that. He says he'll adjust his hours of play so that he gets to stay up later with me, so that's made me happy.
On sex, he said that he does find me sexy but that he doesn't 'find the vibe very sexy'. I thought he was going to say that I give off bad unattractive vibes but he meant with the baby around. It's not conducive apparently. Halle-fuckin-lujah 🤦‍♀️
I hope we can fix things. I'm going to get in touch with a counsellor today and see if I can arrange us an appointment. It can't hurt.

This update explains a lot. Health anxiety (explains fear of separation from child overnight) and also unresolved grief. Suggest he needs some counselling to prevent these issues destroying your relationship

Good outcome.
of course he's not getting up at 4am to go and fuck another woman 🙄 nobody conducts affairs between 5 and 7am. I think daily golf is a pisstake though. Fitness is one thing but taking an hour to go to the gym or half an hour to run is one thing, a long game of golf an hour's round trip every day is something else. This should be a Saturday morning treat not a daily nonsense.
I also agree he's putting the baby between you and maybe using this as a reason not to have sex because he's not in the mood for sex. That's the bit you need to get to the bottom of.

That sounds positive OP. It's great that you talked.
There are ways to "sell" a bedroom to your child :) - new "big boy's" bed with amazing glowing stars/princess canopy/stuffed animals/themed bedcovers/nightlight, new bookshelf now he's "big enough" to choose his own story at bedtime.

Is your dh reaching the age when his dad died, or can he see it looming on the horizon? My dp was also quite nervous around that time. My stepdad too was apparently convinced he'd die at the same age. Really unnerving.