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Original poster

DP insists on toddler in the bed

60 replies

nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 07:55

I'm not sure what I'm dealing with here so would really appreciate you reading my jumbled thoughts and telling me if you think I'm being paranoid here or what.

I have four children, one of whom is just 18 months old. DP and I have only been together 5 years. He's a good dad, so loving. He absolutely dotes on our son.
We used to have a good physical relationship, with sex usually around 4 or 5 times a week. This has now dwindled to about twice a month.

There are two issues at work here and I'm wondering if he's actually using them to avoid intimacy with me. One is that our toddler sleeps between us. Or did, because I've now moved myself to the sofa to sleep every night. I can't sleep on a tiny slither of bed and having to breastfeed LO on and off all night.
Secondly, DP has now started going to bed with our son at 7pm so that he can get up at 4am to play golf! Every single day!

I'm beginning to think that both issues are just a very good excuse to not sleep with me. I've spoken to him about how it's making me feel and he assures me that he still loves me, still finds me attractive, that it's just temporary that the baby's in our bed, and that he's playing golf early so that he doesn't have to play it later in the day and miss out on family time.

How do I fix this mess? Is it even worth trying? I've been in my sofa pit sobbing on and off all night. He's coming home from golf soon and wants us to talk. He thinks we should have some relationship counselling, but what's the point if I'm just going to be settling for a sexless relationship. That's a huge no for me, I can't live like this.

So, what do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:16

Caradonna · 23/06/2023 09:07

Well it will only be in the summer unless he plays by torchlight.
Does he play with others?
Is he back in time to get toddler up (who can't sleep on his own but can when DH wants to play golf).
It's a bit odd.

It's not odd. Our son sleeps until 7am at which time I'm up and about getting my kids ready for school or just pottering and having a coffee at weekends.
DP is often home from golf in time to do the school run for me, but today is running very late as apparently he's been stuck behind a group of four who didn't want to let him through. Plus he started later this morning.

DS sleeps all night when I'm on the sofa. He might wake a few times but DP is able to settle him quickly apparently. When I'm in the bed DS wants to breastfeed a lot, and kicks off if I try to refuse.

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 23/06/2023 09:16

A lot of people's sex lives change after a baby. I would say twice a month isn't outside the norm. Especially when one parent wants to cosleep with the child.

I don't think your situation is all that unusual.

Doggymummar · 23/06/2023 09:17

YouOk · 23/06/2023 09:02

I'm impressed he's got the both the cash and energy to play every day

It's over $100 a round here and takes about 4 hours. Earliest tee is 6.30 so unless it is far far away what is he doing before her gets there?

Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:19

toomuchlaundry · 23/06/2023 09:10

Didn’t realise golf courses open at that time?

What family time is he having with you and other DC if he goes to bed at 7pm?

From my understanding a golf course never really closes, only the club house has hours of opening. I don't think he's technically meant to be on the course at 5am, no. But as a member he can play whenever he wants, daylight permitting.

OP posts:
Appleblossompetal · 23/06/2023 09:19

He’s suggested counselling: sounds like he wants to improve things and work on the relationship.

Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:21

@Doggymummar He's a member. He pays an annual fee to play at the course, which is half an hour away from here. He was a member of a closer club until about six months ago. He said he was 'bored of that course' which I can understand actually.

Earliest tee, I've no idea. But obviously he's not booking if the course isn't officially open. And others are playing too as he's said there are people in front of him!

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 23/06/2023 09:22

Where are all the step parent forum posters to say you are using and taking advantage of your husband by having him do school runs for your children? That the bio parent(s) are 100% responsible for their own children and step parents should never ever lift a finger or put even a penny towards step children or else they are being taken advantage of and used by abusive, controlling, selfish bio parents who can't even parent their own children. Next thing we will hear is that you aren't even paying for 100% of costs related to your children plus 50% of costs related to your shared child and therefore financially abusing him as well.

Nicecow · 23/06/2023 09:23

Also from what you describe I don't see how he would have any time to have an affair (unless it was while he was 'playing golf' but who could be bothered with that!)

Hollyppp · 23/06/2023 09:24

I think he sounds like a pretty good partner and dad to all the kids overall. I can see the short term annoyance that he’s not available for you in the evenings but that may change if I understand?

I co sleep with our 2.5 yo and my DH prefers to sleep in the spare room (even though we have a huge super king bed). So I can’t see a huge issue with that if both parents are on board but if one isn’t then you can start to make changes on that front?

greyhairnomore · 23/06/2023 09:25

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 23/06/2023 08:07

At 4 am he is getting ready to get into someone else's bed. He is using your toddler to avoid sex with you.

Horrible response

FelisCatus0 · 23/06/2023 09:28

Freefall212 · 23/06/2023 09:22

Where are all the step parent forum posters to say you are using and taking advantage of your husband by having him do school runs for your children? That the bio parent(s) are 100% responsible for their own children and step parents should never ever lift a finger or put even a penny towards step children or else they are being taken advantage of and used by abusive, controlling, selfish bio parents who can't even parent their own children. Next thing we will hear is that you aren't even paying for 100% of costs related to your children plus 50% of costs related to your shared child and therefore financially abusing him as well.

OP is the one doing the school runs, not her husband.

Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:29

Right, he's back. With a breakfast wrap for me Smile His brother's now called so that gives me time to eat and reply.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 23/06/2023 09:29

Not sure why people are so focussed on the golf. Toddler in bed is the issue. He needs to be sleeping in his own bed now and you need to work on a bedtime routine together. Tell your partner it’s non-negotiable.

80s · 23/06/2023 09:31

The focus on the golf is because he's going to bed at 7 with his son to be up by 4. No evenings with OP.

Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:31

I am really mourning the way things used to be between us. By 7pm the kids would be upstairs and the dishwasher dealing with the fallout of dinner. He'd be on the sofa looking for a movie for us to watch. We'd snuggle up and usually talk over whatever we'd picked to watch. Then we'd go to bed together and often be intimate. Now that's all gone. He's off to bed at 7pm with DS, and I'm on the sofa alone. It's shit.

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 23/06/2023 09:33

FelisCatus0 · 23/06/2023 09:28

OP is the one doing the school runs, not her husband.

Show quote history

She did that day because he wasn't back in time but mostly he does them. He also cooks for her children, ferries them to their activities, pays for them.

Competely being taken advantage of and used in every way.

Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:35

What the fuck are you on about? He encouraged the clubs and hobbies so he pays and takes them. I do all the housework while he cooks. I pay the bills and he pays the mortgage. No one is being taken advantage of.

OP posts:
Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:38

Right, I've got to go. Thank you for helping me gather my thoughts ahead of our conversation.
He's currently taking the piss out of my little panic attack about him having an affair. He showed me his location history for this morning. I said why are you showing me this? He said it's to prove that he actually went around the golf course and not just straight to a bush. 😆

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 23/06/2023 09:39

nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:35

What the fuck are you on about? He encouraged the clubs and hobbies so he pays and takes them. I do all the housework while he cooks. I pay the bills and he pays the mortgage. No one is being taken advantage of.

Go read the step parent forum. These are not his children. You are supposed to be 100% responsible for the children you chose to have and not in any way use another adult to care for the children you had. Their belief is you married him to use him for childcare and money and whatever else you can get out of him while shirking your own responsiblity as their parent.

Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:50

I don't understand. He wants to talk and he wants us to have couples counselling. So why the fuck is he outside cutting the grass? It's like he's avoiding the issues again. I give up. 😞

OP posts:
FelisCatus0 · 23/06/2023 09:53

nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:38

Right, I've got to go. Thank you for helping me gather my thoughts ahead of our conversation.
He's currently taking the piss out of my little panic attack about him having an affair. He showed me his location history for this morning. I said why are you showing me this? He said it's to prove that he actually went around the golf course and not just straight to a bush. 😆

He is taking the piss out of you understandably suspecting a man who looks for excuses not to have sex with his wife, and who is out at stupid o'clock roaming around in the dark on a golf field, every...single....day, of an affair? That is a more than REASONABLE assumption. He thinks what he's doing is a joke, and he doesn't care about your feelings. I'd be made even more furious that he was taking the piss out of such a serious fear. Wow, he's a real arsehole. Cheating or not, he's a real arsehole.

marapournumber4 · 23/06/2023 09:55

CUtting some grass? Is this for real?. I think most golf clubs ( where I live anyway) at least have a chain across their driveway entrance to stop people driving in and hooning around on the greens. Does he have a key?

Original poster
nopainnogain1 · 23/06/2023 09:57

@FelisCatus0 Actually it made me laugh, that just because he's at the golf course doesn't mean he's not in the bushes with another bloke. He was taking the piss in a friendly way, with his arm around my shoulder pulling me in for a hug. I know you're desperate for him to be fucking someone else but he isn't.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 23/06/2023 09:58

What golf course opens at 4am?

pikkumyy77 · 23/06/2023 10:07

Why is it so hard to just say directly “ I need sex and time with you just as much as you need golf and time away from me. How can I get you to prioritize our time together?”
I, personally, think he sounds like he is using golf, quitting smoking, the health kick and sleeping with the toddler to control uncontrollable fears of premature death as a father. Now that he is a biological parent he is reliving the loss of his father and determined never to miss time with his son. The romantic relationship is too challenging for him right now. He is subconsciously converting it to a roomate or quasi sibling relationship so he can focus on the baby and the more important father/sin relationship.

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